What is he saying with his body language? Is he into you?

Here are my rough notes and insights from my new book in response to questions sent to me for a story on Glamour.com I have listed the body language cues first and then the answers so you can take this as a "Is He Into You?" body language quiz:

1. He Licks His Lips

2. He Talks with His Hands

3. He Pushes Your Hair out of Your Eyes

4. He Rubs His Collarbone or Stomach

5. He Sways While Speaking

6. He Raises His Eyebrows

7. He Fidgets in His Chair

8. He Runs His Fingers through His Hair

9. He Sits or Stands with His Legs Splayed

10. He Strokes His Face

11. He Reaches Out His Hand

12. He Kisses You... On Your Forehead



1. He Licks His Lips: When we get nervous our saliva glands stop secreting and our mouths get dry. If someone licks his lips before he talks he could merely be nervous or he could be nervous because he is uncomfortable with what he is about to say. Perhaps he is embarrassed, perhaps he is lying. If he licks his lips after he speaks he is likely trying to erase what he just said because it is a lie. Licking the lips after you speak is a strong "tell" of deceit. I call this move the tongue eraser.

2. He Talks with His Hands: People from certain cultures--Italy, Turkey, South America-- tend to talk more with their hands. It is part of their culture. Extroverts talk with their hands to be more expressive. Using your hands helps you access more information in your brain, especially emotional information and emotion laden words.

3. He Pushes Your Hair out of Your Eyes: If the touch is gentle and doesn't linger too long it’s a movement that shows tenderness and caring. If he frowns or grimaces as he does it, it shows a need to have things correct and/or perfect. If he gives you long lingering eye contact and his hand strays on your face a beat longer than necessary, he wants you. (It is a sexual come-on move.)

4. He Rubs His Collarbone or Stomach: These moves send very different signals. Rubbing the collarbone at the front of his body signals insecurity. It is not a usual move for a man. Women touch theirs when they are stressed. A man rubbing the back of his neck, signals stress and if he shows other signs like pressing his lips together tightly or bringing his eyebrows together in a V over the nose he may be ready to fight.

5. He Sways While Speaking: The meaning depends on the sway. Most swaying motions are comforting motions. We might sway to music. The front to back is typically a comforting motion mimicking being rocked in the mother's womb. If the sway brings him up on his toes it indicates happiness.

6. He Raises His Eyebrows: This can mean so many different things--surprise, happiness, recognition, a positive greeting from afar, skepticism. So much of the meaning is in the timing and words being said.

7. He Fidgets in His Chair: This restless motion communicates a lack of comfort with himself, the topic, the situation or the speaker.

8. He Runs His Fingers through His Hair: If the motion starts from the front of his face and goes all the way back and is done with some forcefulness and/or a sigh it could mean a desire to erase negative feelings. If he dips his head forward and gently cups his hair and smiles it signals he wants to look good. If he does that last move as he approaches you or you approach him, he is a bit nervous about his appearance because he wants to look good for you. It may mean he likes you.

9. He Sits or Stands with His Legs Splayed: He feels powerful or wants to feel powerful. Sitting with the legs splayed shows Machismo. "I am the alpha male."

10. He Strokes His Face: This is another of those cues where it depends on the other cues and the situation to determine the meaning. Stroking the chin typically means, "I am thinking about this." He is critically considering and evaluating the prospects of the situation.

11. He Reaches Out His Hand: If he is reaching in your direction he likes you and is symbolically reaching out to touch you. Reaching out palm down shows interest and a desire to touch. Reaching out with the palm up is unusual on a first date and would say hold my hand. A man would only reach out palm up, making him vulnerable, if he knew the woman well and knew he would not be turned down.

12. He Kisses You... On Your Forehead: A great sign of tenderness.

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How do you know if he loves you? Using body language to detect lying

How can reading body language and paralanguage alert you to whether or not he really loves you when he says he does? Remember that in nonverbal communication and deception detection, the timing is the “tell”. What does his body language look like just before he says, “I love you”? People feel and show what they are feeling before and as they are saying what they are feeling. The order of a honest person's message is feel, show, say. The primitive brain feels first without the words--just the pure emotion of love. Then the primitive brain, where emotions and body language are processed, shows with nonverbal cues that there is love present. Then the cognitive brain thinks of the words that say I love you. So just before he says I love you and/or as he says it, look for the cues. Is he making eye contact? Is his heart facing towards you? Does his face change with upward expressions before or as he says the words? Are his toes pointed towards your heart or towards the door? Listen to his voice. Does his tone and intonation reveal warmth and caring as he says the words. If all the nonverbal signs of love come before or during you are in luck. The man loves you. Or is the timing off? For example, he has a tight face with downward pulled muscles and clipped voice and he says "I love you," and then he smiles. If so, it is possible he might not be into you. Remember to look for the timing and duration of emotional gestures to be synchronous. If they are off the normal pace, delayed, stay longer than they would naturally, or stop suddenly, the man may be lying. OK guys, I know you may be reading this wondering, "Why did Patti make the guy the liar?" Simply because more women send me photos standing with their sweeties and ask me, “Is he in to me?” than men. A woman could give the same cues.