Will a Narcissist Come Back After "No Contact?" , Five Ways to Cut Narcissistic Supply and Insure No Contact.

I am a body language expert, I read the body language of suspects, criminals, celebrities, and politicians for the national media and speak and consult on Malignant Narcissism.

Will a Narcissist Come Back After using the technique of "No Contact?"

The simple answer is yes, they will come back till they get nothing.

 Malignant Narcissists are empty, lacking a positive emotional connection to themselves that can fill them, they instead feel they are in a dark abyss. They need to constantly be fed a narcissistic supply of other people’s emotions. To them, you are a possession, a source of supply that they can pick up and use anytime. Time for Malignant Narcissists is not linear, it's never too late to hurt you and get fed by your pain, it is never too late to reach for you to get the pleasure they once had. Because they still feel any pain that ever happened to them as if it is still happening. Think about how Trump still feels that Obama still got more people at his inauguration than Trump did and that humiliation still bothers Trump today as much as it did that day and he still feels the need to change it and seek revenge.

They feel they should be able to reach for you to get the pleasure they once had 

So if you use the technique of having  "no contact" they can feel just as angry at you years later as they did when it first happened, if you hurt them in the relationship they are still mad if you loved them and they liked that, they feel you should always give them that.  They may show this by continually calling to call you or driving by your house or trying to come back months or years later with flowers.

The Five Ways to Cut Narcissistic Supply to help Narsistic abusers stay away and not stay no contact.

1. You must make sure they no longer get any "supply" from you. That means no communication from you and blocking not accepting or responding in any way to communication from them. No contact has to be complete, no social media or any way for them to know about your life and feed off of it or see to insert themselves in it or destroy it.

 

2. You may need to reduce or cut contact with any mutual friends or business associates or family members who still see your abuser. Especially if they condone, or ignore the fact that they are an abuser and or if you feel or know they may share information about you, your routines, your other relationships, and or emotional state with your abuser. Your abuser gets supply from information about you especially any information about any trouble or difficulties in your life. Your vulnerability is supply. If you can trust those you know who are in contact with your abuser to never under any circumstances share any information about you you may be safe from direct abuse but knowing the fact that your abuser still has contact with them is a supply win for your abuser's ego. Ask for a promise from your circle not to share information and reveal information to them cautiously.

3. If people in contact with your abuser mention your abuser go "Grey Rock." So for example if they say, "I saw Richard (your abuser) the other day." say nothing, or give the mention of their name no energy or say something so dull or uninteresting so the person is unlikely to mention anything you say to your abuser. And the practice of going "Grey Rock." will eventually help you feel nothing about them as well. Your abuser will break down from rock to dust to nothing. 

If they are in contact with people you have in common you need to trust them not to talk about you to your MN abuser. For example, if something is going well or horribly in your life, your abuser may seek to know what’s going on in your life from a mutual friend and feed off your pain at a distance. MN loves to gossip. If you can’t trust your friends to not share anything about there is a strong chance your abuser will come back, or harm you. For example, if they find out you dating someone new, they may find a way to falsely smear you with that new boyfriend or girlfriend. If they know anyone in your work/profession the MN may try to bad you behind your back. 

My abuser threatened to destroy my professional reputation. I did nothing. I contacted no one. I trusted my behavior with others and professional reputation to speak for itself. He told me that he had destroyed past wives and girlfriends by labeling them as "Crazy." I knew his pathology would be revealed by any attempt to hurt me. He called and emailed people in his profession that he knew where my clients were and tried to convince them I was the abuser and stalking him.

 Blessedly, I had a sterling reputation and several of them contacted me and said it was obvious he was, "Crazy" and or obvious he was an abuser with dark intentions and that was what the people he contacted were saying to each other. A few said they already saw him as crazy and or odd and his calling them and or emailing him just confirmed their impression of him. 

If you can’t trust your friends or family to not talk about you and not respect you and your boundaries you may have to go "no contact" with him or her for at least a while must either not talk to your friends at all about your abuser or go contact with them otherwise you may need to go no contact with your friends or be very careful what you share with them about your life.

4. You have to hope are fed by lots of other people, so they don’t have to cycle back to you as a formally reliable supply source. This is heartbreaking and seems unethical because most of us want to warn others and protect them from abuse. So, if your ex has a new gal, or your abuser has a new job as much as you may fear for that new girlfriend's future, or those new coworkers or employees they provide your abuser with a source of "supply" may keep him from hurting you. If a coworker is now getting his or her anger, that coworker is "supply' and not you.

5. You have to hope they won’t keep playing with you at a distance with actions like smear campaigns, name-calling, and damaging your other relationships as that can continue to feed them so they continue to feel connected and in contact and or you need to not care or give any energy to these actions. Just let any feeling about their actions go. 

 

Consequences to the MN don’t typically work well, but Malignant Narcissist's greatest fear is public humiliation so if they look weak or stupid and their masks come down to others when they seek to recontact that can work. For example, if you go no contact but your abuser is still driving by your house you can continue to ignore it and make it clear to your friends that your abuser driving by your house to stalk to you makes you feel sorry for him, how small his life must be, and your friends agree that makes him look sad and small he may stop stalking.

If their last contacts before no contact gave them no supply if you went Grey Rock it can help. 

You need to make sure you go “grey” giving the abuser no emotion, no anger, not victim, not passive, not powerful and strong just boring, using a monotone voice and as little expression as possible no matter what they do to trigger you or those around you.

As you go “grey” before no contact if they call to talk about the boring aspects of your day, if they talk d Will a Narcissist Come Back After No Contact? don’t give any feedback. Be dull. If they get mad. Don’t be triggered just say you get it and say you need to go.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Finding the Right Words and The Right Way to Comfort Someone

Finding the Right Words and The Right Way to Comfort Someone

By Body Language Expert Patti Wood 

What to say when you can't find the "right" words to talk to someone who is experiencing tough times like health issues, job disruption or loss.  Frequently, people don't show up during tough times simply because they feel like they don't have the "right" words. Here are suggestions about how to respond to friends when they are grieving or going through a hard time and need some extra support.

I suggest that you listen to the voice and watch the body language of the person who you wish to speak to and see and note where they are emotionally. Be fully present with them, and focus on their discomfort instead of your own. You may not say the perfect thing, but that's a small hiccup, don't perform an act of help, with an old script platitude, be helpful, People often avoid those going through loss and struggle. Being present and connected is a gift.

To be helpful you will want to know if they wish to go deep or if they need to pull back. Make full complete eye contact, breath with them. If can be authentic match their posture so you can chemically for a moment feel what they are feeling.

You know that when you match and mirror body language with someone authentically you can create the same chemicals they are. This is what creates empathy. Don't be afraid to feel a small bit of sadness or pain briefly with them. That' a gift you can give them.

It's important to know that when someone is laid bare in grief, they can read you your nonverbal cues more acutely. They know if you are open and willing to be with them and listen to them and if they can share their truth. They will shut down or pull back or have to work to make you feel comfortable if you a plastic, and only go to the surface or you show more discomfort than they do. So be careful not to give them pat statements like, "I am sorry for your loss." You can say that but use different unscripted words.

What can you say when someone is going through a hard time?

You can ask how the loss is affecting you. Be prepared they may go deep "I have lost my partner and my best friend, and it hurts so much."

You can say you can share your deep pain with me, it's safe to tell me how you are really feeling. You can say, "I have the time and want to spend the time with you to sit with you, to be with you, to talk on the phone with you. You can say, "I know the pain is big." Or "I know it's a deep aching pain. They may say, "Thank you for asking and standing in my grief with me for a moment." "My pain is so big, thank you for being in sorrow with me."

You can just ask to sit in silence with them and or give them a long hug.

You can share memories of their situation and how hard you know it is and memories of they lost. You can say, "I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went to the beach. I will miss hearing his voice joining with yours." 

Rather than say, "Call me anytime if you want to talk. "You can share three things you want to do for them and ask them of those three what would be the most beneficial now. "I can call you every day this week at 4:00 to check-in, or I can stop by Thursday for a short 10-minute visit." Or I can drop off dinner one night you chose this week." Which of those would be the best for you?

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

What Do You Say To Someone Going Through a Tough Time, Loss or Who is Grieving?

Instead of "I'm Sorry For Your Loss"

What to say when you can't find the "right" words to talk to someone who is experiencing tough times like health issues, job disruption or loss  Oftentimes, people don't show up during
tough times simply because they feel like they don't have the
"right" words.  
Here are suggestions about how to respond to friends when they are grieving or going through a hard time and need some extra support.

I suggest that you listen to the voice and watch the body language of the person who you wish to speak to and see and note where they are emotional. Be fully present with them focusing on their discomfort instead of your own. Take the focus off you. Take the focus off your discomfort or prospect of embarrassment if you say the wrong thing. Being present and connected is a gift since people often avoid those going through loss and struggle.

You want to know whether they want to go deep or if they pull back.

Make full complete eye contact, breath with them. If can be authentic match their posture so you can chemically for a moment feel what they are feeling.

You know that when you match and mirror body language with someone authentically you can create the same chemicals they are. This is what creates empathy. Don’t be afraid to feel a small bit of sadness or pain briefly with them. That’ a gift you can give them.

It's important to know that when someone is laid bare in grief, they can read you your nonverbal cues more acutely. They know if you are open and willing to be with them and listen to them and if they can share their truth. They will shut down or pull back or have to work to make you feel comfortable if you a plastic, and only go to the surface or you show more discomfort than they do. So be careful not to give them pat statements like, “I am sorry for your loss.” You can say that but use different unscripted words.

You can ask how the loss is affecting you. Be prepared they may go deep “I have lost my partner and my best friend, and it hurts so much.”

You can say you can share your deep pain with me, it's safe to tell me how you are really feeling. You can say, “I have the time and want to spend the time with you to sit with you, to be with you, to talk on the phone with you. You can say, “I know the pain is big.” Or “I know it’s a deep aching pain. They may say, “Thank you for asking and standing in my grief with me for a moment.” “My pain is so big, thank you for being in sorrow with me.”

You can just ask to sit in silence with them and or give them a long hug.

You can share memories of their situation and how hard you know it is and memories of they lost. You can say, “I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went to the beach. I will miss hearing his voice joining with yours.” 

Rather than say, “Call me anytime if you want to talk. “You can share three things you want to do for them and ask them of those three what would be the most beneficial now. “I can call you every day this week at 4:00 to check-in, or I can stop by Thursday for a short 10-minute visit.” Or I can drop off dinner one night you chose this week.” "Which of those would be the best for you?'

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.