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Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts

5 Common Traits Narcissistic Men Are Looking for in Women

What are the signs you are dating a Narcissist? 

I have been writing and speaking about charisma and the and their dangerous extreme narcissists for many years. 

This is the story for Verily I was asked to contribute to last week. You can also see more about who they are attracted to and more signs you are dating a narcissist by going to this blog post 
https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/2017/10/just-did-piece-for-verilymagazine.html 



5 Common Traits Narcissistic Men
Are Looking for in Women

PUBLISH DATE:NOV 2, 2017

Experts say this is how to keep from being a
narcissistic man’s ideal.

Swept off your feet with compliments, fancy dinners, and generous gifts—you think you've found McDreamy. When you describe the surreal time you're having to friends, it feels like you're talking about a movie. Yet, as the dating continues, you start to notice that it’s really all about him. He constantly talks about himself, prioritizes his needs over yours, is overly sensitive to any form of criticism—and is obsessed with status (the fancy dinners dates at the exclusive restaurants are starting to make sense).
You find that emotional intimacy is impossible, and your relationship starts to fizzle— and you realize it’s happened again.
You dated a narcissist. Again.
Only 7.7 percent of men have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but you may have dated one, or maybe even several, as they often flock to a certain type of woman. If you’ve frequently dated guys who make it all about them, you might have noticed a pattern. After the intense wooing is over, he’s quick to criticize you and put you down if you express any sort of resistance to his need to put himself first. 
As a therapist, I've seen this seriously damage women's self-esteem and well-being. And over time, I've noticed that narcissists seek certain traits in potential romantic partners. So I spoke with other experts in my field to discuss trends and discovered that there are five common traits a narcissist looks for in a woman. 
Do any of these sound like you?

1. You’re outwardly successful. 
It can be tough to admit, but if you feel insecure about yourself even if you are attractive, put together, and successful, you may be advertising yourself as a great fit for a narcissist. “Narcissists tend to seek out people that will fill a template for what they believe will make them look good,” says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a trained Gottman Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “In essence, [the narcissist’s] partner may be seen as an accessory,” she explains. A narcissistic man is attracted to someone who looks beautiful and accomplished—not because they like that person, but because her appearance and accomplishments fuel his ego. 
However, a narcissist also wants a woman who isn't too confident because he wants to run the show. So if he senses your insecurities, he will be all the more attracted to you because you won’t likely threaten his own success, whether it’s real or perceived. While it might be uncomfortable to acknowledge your insecurities, owning them and making a plan to increase your self-confidence can help. When a narcissist senses your strong sense of confidence, he’ll back away. 

2. You're a people pleaser (and can't help it).
Of course, we all want the guy we’re dating to be happy, but if it comes at the expense of your own well being, it’s unhealthy. A narcissist is looking for someone who will give him constant attention and emotional validation at any cost. Psychotherapist and author, Karen Koenig, says that individuals who attract narcissists often “don’t have a strong sense of who they are and what they want because they don’t believe it’s okay to take care of their own needs.”
A narcissist is someone who monopolizes the relationship and who never compromises. He just demands. Establishing boundaries so that your needs are acknowledged and met in a relationship could help prevent you from getting too deep and potentially trapped. 

3. You avoid conflict like the plague.
While few people are actually fans of conflict, if you avoid conflict at all costs, you might be making yourself more attractive to narcissists. Patti Wood, body language expert and author, says that narcissists tend to want someone “who is low in ‘harm avoidance’ and high in ‘cooperation.’" If you tend to give in easily to the wishes or demands of others at work or in your personal life for the sake of avoiding conflict, you might fit the ideal profile of a potential partner for a narcissist.
If you often put your needs and opinions aside for the sake of avoiding conflict in the relationship, you’ll more easily fall prey to a narcissist who thrives when others provide the empathy and attention they crave. Yes, being willing to compromise in a relationship is important but being a doormat isn’t compromising.

4. You’re ignoring red flags.
One big red flag that signals narcissistic behavior is never taking responsibility for any negative events in one's life. Narcissists are known to play the victim when things don’t go their way, explains Patti Wood, and they will often blame their exes, bosses, and friends for anything negative that’s happened in the past. Don't make the mistake of ignoring this crucial red flag. If you are quick to explain away your date calling his ex “evil” or "crazy" saying his boss was “out to get him," you are sending signals that you are okay with him blaming others for his mistakes. Yes—we all make mistakes but when someone refuses to take responsibility for his role in the event ever, you’re risking your own happiness and well-being down the line because soon he’ll start blaming you when things don’t go well.

5. You are swept up in the romance on the first date.
It's easy to allow yourself to be infatuated after the first date, especially when you are dating a narcissist (they're so attractive and charming at first!). Even though it typically takes some time for a narcissist to reveal his true colors, there are some subtle signs that you can look out for on a first date to help you steer clear of the second. Look past the "love bombing" and the overwhelming flattery and ask the following questions:
·         Is there any back-and-forth in the conversation, or is it total domination?
·         Does he accept your opinions even if you disagree with each other? 
·         Does he act entitled to certain things, or expect special treatment?
·         Is he rude to the wait staff or bartender? 
·         Is he over-the-top on the first date? 
·         Is he invading your space? 

If it's a resounding "yes" to one or more of these, it's a sign he does not deserve a second date, even if it occurred at a Michelin-starred restaurant. A narcissist thinks he’s the sun, and he’s looking for someone to orbit around his world and make him look good without causing too much trouble. Being confident in yourself, standing up for your needs and opinions, firmly enforcing boundaries, and not being afraid to say no and walk away, will help send the message to your narcissist that you aren’t going to fit in his self-obsessed world. 


PLUS
If you truly want to understand how smart warm wonderful women are targets of Psychopaths read the research of Sandra Brown:

“The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women's unique and astounding elevated 'super traits' of temperament, personality strengths and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural 'balance' to the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.”

“While the uncovering of her innate traits and conditioned behaviors explained much about this dangerous relationship and has brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation of some of the victim's temperament traits and explaining how it could affect her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host said, "That's a crock of crap! You're telling me that a few temperament traits can do that? I don't believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own it and she was probably abused as a child." These simplistic answers are what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public psychopathology education.”

“As mentioned, my research has revealed that women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary 'super traits' of temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:


Here is the research by Sandra Brown on what psychopaths look for in a romantic partner:
§  Extraversion and excitement seeking (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.)  In other words, these women started out being the least dependent types on the planet!
§  Deep Investment in all relationships (The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.)
§  Sentimentality
§  Attachment – Deep bonding capacity (She has a deep bonding capacity.)
§  Competitiveness – stand ground – not codependent (She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will stand her ground.  Again, not the co-dependent type at all.)
§  Low Harm Avoidance – does not expect to be hurt (She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she is.  In other words, not a person looking to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood.  In fact, more often than not, these women were never exposed to abuse of any kind as children.)
§  Cooperation
§  Higher Empathy – can be genetic
§  Responsibilty and Resourcefulness



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Alpha Signals Are Not Clear Signals a Man is Unfaithful

Do Alpha Signals mean a man is unfaithful? Not really! Here are my notes for the story I did for "The Independent." If you look at my notes below then read the article at the below link you can see a difference in what I sent them and the story. 


Alpha signals are not automatically a signal that a man is being unfaithful. However attraction and sex may create an increase in testosterone and creates subtle changes in the body like increased skin tone. Men may also preen standing taller. So they may be seen a bigger. They may also increase their size by elevating and pushing out their chest, pulling back their shoulders and giving off strong alpha male signals.

The broad leg stance is particularly interesting. Legs held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose.

Slightly wider indicates that the person feels grounded and confident.  A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.  Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks. So it may show that a man has a new mate he wants to guard.

Open legs displays makes the males sex organs vulnerable, showing, “I am so strong you won’t even attempt to hurt me, I am fearless." This display can be a sexual display (especially men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

Legs planted firmly and far apart (more than 9 inches apart) is primarily a mail pelvic display. It is a way of saying, “This is my space, I own it and I am not moving.”  It’s an alpha signal because it highlights the male’s external sex organs saying, “I am man.”


Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

5 Reasons Women Believe Their Cheating Lovers Aren't Lying

The media piece I did last week on the body language signs of cheating just came out this morning.



That piece inspired me to write:


"5 Reasons Women Believe Their Cheating Lovers Aren’t Lying” 
by Patti Wood professional speaker and author of 
"Snap Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma"

If you read this and suspect your sweetie of cheating talk to him. You may get an honest response. Do know that if you see the signs and wonder why you didn’t notice and fell for the deceit you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Here are four reasons you may have been fooled.

Loving body language is the opposite of lying body language - I share in all my Establishing Credibility and Detecting Deception programs that the research on deception shows that the person you love can lie with the greatest ease. In part because loving body language is the antithesis of deception body language and in addition your love makes you want to trust.

Let’s just look at just a few of the body language cues that can confuse you. When people lie they tend to withdrawal, not touch you and not match and mirror your body language. Your love partner may be physically close, sleep in the same bed, touch you, match and mirror you and even continue to make significant eye contact, and other loving cues that can fool you into thinking they are truth tellers. Most people feel guilty when they lie and or fear being discovered so they show stress cues when they lie and have difficulty lying well. So Everyday liars have tells! 
Professional liars such as undercover cops, may not feel guilt because they need to lie to do their job and survive. And liars who have mental health issues may not have tells because they just plain don't feel guilt or remorse.  

Your love can create a “Truth Bias”Research shows that as we become more trusting, we also become more confident, but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told (Levine & McCornack, 1992; McCornack & Parks, 1986)

When people are in love, they of course feel close and trust in their romantic partners and know them well and think they know everything about them. While this trust provides people with a sense of security and comfort, it creates an opportunity for deception called the “truth bias.” Your blind faith in your love makes you ripe for deceit as the very foundation of intimacy is that you trust so who is a better victim than the person who believes you the most!

You may think you have gained an extra special ability detect lies from your love- Because you spend so much time with them and believe their is intimacy you think you know them like no one else knows them. In fact, as intimacy increase so does your confidence in your ability to read you man. Even when part of you feel there is something wrong if someone else tells you, "He is lying", or "He is dating someone else." You may feel or say, "Oh, I know him, he would never do that."

You may have lost trust in yourself that would help you be discerning - You may also get lost in the instability of the crazy tilt and whirl. E
ven when you do know something is wrong, and talk to your partner and they continue to lie, to the extent you begin to lose faith in instincts and question your very honest and accurate feelings of insecurity. You can tilt back and forth between absolute trust and absolute lack of trust. You can look them in the eye and say, “I know something’s wrong.” And they can look you in the eye and say, “Darling I would never do anything to hurt you,” and lean in to kiss you and rub your back. You feel at a gut level the  mismatch of love and deception being presented together. It can be intense and painful. You want to claim the love message’s truth but at some level you know something is wrong. This may swirl you into a crazy tilt and whirl of instability. Again the messages of love and the messages of a lack of love that feel like the lack of love or decent, "I love you I want you I need you, but I have to go out of town for a week and I will be out of touch." The cheater can even create this crazy tilt and whirl without malice. They may love you, but they lie because they just happen to also love and or be attracted to someone else too. Or they may create the crazy ride out of more selfish reasons, such as the desire for power, control, thrills or mental health issues such as narcissism. (Google the term Love Bombing for more information for more information on the more malicious form of this crazy making.) 

Some lovers are really good at lying - Lying over and over again on a sometimes daily basis to your lover can make you an expert liar. That doesn't make them inherently horrible people, just people that may no longer give you the normal nonverbal and verbal signs of deceit. Some lying lovers may justify their lying by saying to themselves, "I don't want her to know because it would hurt her and I want to save her pain." and therefore not show nonverbal signs of guilt. Their fear level may be low, as they know they have succeeded at lying in the past. Conversely lying lovers may have a desire for excitement and or feelings of power that living on the edge, and undercover may provide. They may get some of that power derived from the “dupers delight,” that thrill some people get at fooling someone. They also may be “good” at lying because they generally love the partner they are cheating on or may think that in order not to lose them and or their lifestyle they must lie. Survival liars can also rationalize their lies in a way that reduces and eliminates normal deception cues. The carnival ride that the cheater can create that may allow them to continue their deceit and from which, in some cases, may allow them to continue to feel powerful, and or believe that they had a right to cheat because you are needy or crazy. Fascinating because they are the instigators of that instability, they run the crazy tilt and whirl.


Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     





What Does Playing with a Wedding Ring Mean

If a person twists their wedding ring as they are talking to you it typically means they are attracted to you and they are aware of the bond they are under and have a desire to ignore that bond. If they move the ring up and down the finger it shows there desire not to just ignore but to remove that bond. Men and Woman can also make these movements in a conversation with people they aren’t attracted to merely because the conversation make them regret their bond of marriage.