Effects of Toxic Relationships - A Body Language Expert's Insights

Three nonverbal effects of a toxic relationship and how being in a toxic relationship affect your body language and your health.

There are many costs of being in a toxic relationship that are caused by the toxic partner’s body language. A healthy partner can be contaminated by an unhealthy partner’s body language by matching and mirroring his or her body language. They can do this matching and mirroring subconsciously or consciously.

Research on Isopraxism (matching and mirroring) shows that when we are with someone in a bad mood or who has any strong negative emotions his or her behavior has a pulling effect that can make us feel bad as well. If you have ever had to work in an office with someone who is in a bad mood you know you can catch that mood like you do a cold.  This is a scientifically verifiable phenomenon.

Our mirror neurons see the person’s body language and if it is emotionally strong and or if we care about them we mirror their behavior and begin to feel what they are feeling, so in the case of toxic body language we can feel bad as well. I have a paragraph describing the “bottom up” scientific process that occurs with mirror neurons that shows we can do this matching consciously or subconscious. Another possible harm that occurs in a toxic relationship that has a nonverbal communication link is equally as stressful for the healthy partner. We have an angry, dangerous or sick partner sometimes we CAN NOT mirror to empathize with them or we can come to harm. For example, typically we can’t match anger with a very angry person or we escalate the emotion. We can’t mirror a more powerful person’s body language as we may threaten their alpha status and escalate the emotion. Lastly a dangerous behavior from a partner can make a healthy partner go into a stress response, or a combination of stress responses. They can freeze in place or tension and his or her limbic brain response prepares them to flee fight or feel faint. That heighted stress response can do things like keep cortisol levels high and make the person feel exhausted and sick.

Solid empirical evidence

that suggests that our brains are capable of

mirroring the deepest aspects of the minds

of others-intention (at the fine-grained

level of a single brain cell). This process is

effortless, or what’s called “bottom-up” (just

knowing), rather than “top down” (having

to consciously figure it out). In a “bottom

up” process there is no need to draw complex

inferences or even think about it. Instead,

we use mirror neurons to know.

Further studies of mirror neurons have

indicated that when a mirror neuron is

activated, it also will activate motor neurons

that in turn activate muscular activity in the

viewer. In other words, when our mirror

neuron system perceives a physical (e.g.,

grasping) or emotional (e.g., happiness)

intention of another, it will activate the

same muscles in the observer that are being

activated in the subject sending the message.

This is important to know, because the

latest findings in the neurosciences suggest

that the way we know we are having an

emotion is by first identifying a change in

our body. The prefrontal cortex specifically

identifies bodily changes and labels them

as happy, sad, angry, etc., a “bottom-up”

process. 

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Jennifer Aniston and Justin how are they as a couple then and now? What does the body language of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Show?

Red carpet what's unusual about the older red carpet photo with her in the gorgeous red dress is that she is standing just behind him in the photo. I have been reading her body language with men for many years and she likes to be right beside and even with the men she is with. Her photos with Brad Pitt were the poster photos for equality in a relationship. Here you see, in the sweetest feminine sense, her seeking just a hint of protection.

I also love how he is lifting up her hand in their hand clasp and has his head tilted towards her.  Having said that, because her head is facing away and he is looking in a different direction as well I give the photo read a 3 out of 5.

I love the photo of them in the grey room both dressed in black. She is looking at him with her head tilted slightly upwards very contentedly. With the eye placement and facial muscles in "up" position it  looks as though her lips are pressed together to keep her from grinning more largely rather than to suppress negative emotions.  And he is mirroring that lip closed smile as well. Again a tight lipped smile typically reads negatively but here it's positive.

I like how he is lifting up his shoulder to get it up and around her. Up motions show positive joyful emotional state. The fact that he does that with her double arm wrap shows he doesn't mind her showing her ownership and connection of him. Though I wish his fingers were a little bit more wrapped around her back overall with his smile I give them a 4 1/2 out of 5. 

Check Life & Style next Wednesday for the full story!

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Advice on Dealing with a Deceptive Boss, How to Talk To Your Boss When You are Upset

If you decide to confront your boss, click the link below before you do to get advice from Patti.
A friend of mine took time off to spend with her new baby. She had gotten permission from her boss and they had an agreement she would work from home and her job was secure. The first day back she was revived and emailed that her job as it was titled had been given to someone else and she was to work under him. She felt she needed to talk to her boss. If you are having a very difficult time with your boss and think they may be withholding information or lying to you and you know you need to talk to them be prepared.  Here are my recommendations plus an example of how to have a very direct conversation with a boss using my ERASER method for courageous conversations from one of my books. This will show you how to tell your boss you are upset with him or her.
If you decide to confront your boss, “have a plan for what you’ll do and what your boss needs to do,” says Patti Wood, body language expert, and speaker at Communication Dynamics Inc., in Atlanta. “Be prepared to go take action and follow through immediately.” However, she cautions that an unstable boss may make you uncomfortable or even present danger. In the latter case, she suggests finding a different method in a safe environment. If you are going to have a politically dangerous conversation you may wish to pull in a third party.
“A compulsive liar,” she says, “will continue to deny any evidence of deceit you (present). Be prepared to repeat your statements of evidence. Repeat your plan and … what (the person) must do.”
Don’t let tears or anger dissuade you from your course of action, Wood adds
http://www.reviewjournal.com/workwise/don-t-let-deceptive-boss-drag-you-down-get-help-you-need

                                The E.R.A.S.E.R. Method by Patti Wood from her book.

Write out your script as if you were saying it out loud to the person. Practice how you will say it in an even tone and ideally role play it out with someone and work through how you will handle anything they will say. This is a VERY strong message so make sure you can deal with the consequences. In this case that may mean looking for a new job. 

Exact        With exact terms, state the person’s behavior as it exists now.  Answer the following questions in your statement.  When did it happen? Where did it happen? Who was involved? How often has it happened? Don’t use generalizations such as always, never, every time.  Don’t guess at why they do what they do.

Example:  We talked  Three times before I took maternity leave about my job is secure and you agreed that it would be. I just received an email from you that you have given my job to Frank. (Be prepared to give specific dates that you conversed. If there is an email trail send it to your personal email outside of the corporate email system and print it out and bring it with you.)

Result       What is the concrete result of that behavior? What happens because they do or don’t do something?

Example:  Because you made an agreement to keep my job secure I worked at home with the knowledge and dedication that my job was secure. Now you have broken our agreement and want to reduce me to a position with far less pay into a subordinate position and action affects my career with the company. 

Aware       Make the person aware of the emotion(s) the behavior arouses in you.  How do you feel in response to their current behavior?

Example:  I feel deeply and upset and more than a little surprised.

Switch       Give them a behavior to switch to.  What would you like them to do instead of their current behavior? Make sure it’s one small concrete replacement behavior.

Example:  I’d like to know why you would do this without communicating with me and the steps you can take to restore my position.  

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

The South Beach Guide to Selfies and Step and Repeat Posing

Patti shares a tip when taking a "selfie."  Check the link below before you take that next selfie.

The South Beach Guide to Selfies and Step and Repeat Posing

March 13, 2014 | by betsy f. perry | Talk of the Town

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Everyone has an angle. And sometimes when the spotlight’s on, we’ll do anything to find it.

It seems everyone in Miami has an angle and works it whenever a camera is within range, which these days is pretty much 24/7. Whether it’s chin up or down, legs crossed, cheeks sucked in, or lips in a trout pout, in this Instagram world, a good picture is apparently worth a thousand words and just as many hours of rehearsal time in front of a mirror.

Though some label us narcissists, and there’s definitely some truth to this, socialites, reality television stars, and social media samurais have become role models—hopefully you weren’t thinking Sheryl Sandberg or Hillary Clinton—for Miami’s next gen eager to learn how best to look picture perfect for its close-up. But while we’ve studied Kim K’s online tutorial for taking the perfect selfie and tried “squinching” our eyes to ooze confidence—which actually can make you look angry or constipated—is there more we can do when the red carpet comes calling?

After years of endless A-list late nights, the omnipresent Seth Browarnik, founder of Miami’s celebrity photography agency World Red Eye, has seen it all from behind the lens. “Don’t try to be a Kim K, because we make fun of that kind of person. We want the girl with an aura who is jumping up and down exuding energy and not making a duck face.”

But Real Housewife of Miami Marysol Patton claims she does mimic celebrities because “social media has made everyone more self-conscious, so I’ve been learning as I go along and I observe what other people do,” and she suggests, “Cross your legs, start with the body sideways, turn your shoulders more toward the camera, and toss your head back.” Anyway, who better to learn from than someone who does it for a living? By the way, there’s nothing on the planet more important than this, so please take note.

But while remembering to flip your hair, put one hand on your hip with the arm away from the body to avoid bat wings, and your elbow pointed downward to look seductive and skinny (of course, the fellas can flash the sideways peace sign), body language expert Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language & Charisma, says, “Since we’re giving out a thousand cues in a photo, it’s important to think happy thoughts, and if your emotions are true, there’s a higher chance of the photo coming across.”

Would I be happier if my eyes were bigger and spaced farther apart, my upper lip fuller, and my hair like Secretariat’s mane? Of course, but that’s for when I come back as Angelina or Gisele. But after too many pictures I quickly delete, it seems I look best when not focused on myself or worrying about how others view me. And that’s the issue; we’ve become victims of a selfie-centric social media world where the only relationship that counts is the one with an iPhone or a camera lens, or Instagram following! What really should matter is your relationship with close friends and family…. like in Kim Kardashian’s case, all 12 million of them.

Article link below:
http://oceandrive.com/the-latest/talk-of-the-town/postings/the-south-beach-guide-to-selfies-and-step-and-repeat-posing

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

How to Take a Great Selfie Photo - Eleven Body Language Tips for Creating Great Selfie Photos

How to Take a Great Selfie Photo - Ten Body Language Tips for Creating Great Selfie Photos

Tips to Take a Great Selfie

From Body Language Expert Patti Wood

Make sure you look at tips one and eight as they are key!

1.      Tip One - Don’t hold your breath, instead take deep breaths filling up your stomach, not your upper chest with air. Breathe again relaxing your shoulders and then let the breath fill you up and lift up your body. Don’t worry you will be moving as the photo is taken. Just keep snapping letting your deep full breaths lift you to create wonderful "up" body language. 

2.      Tip Two - If you are standing and want to look “extra” skinny across the waist and hips stand like female celebs do on the red carpet. Place one foot pivoted out to the right and the other foot in front of it with toes pointed slightly to the left.

3.      Tip Three - To look skinny you can turn so one shoulder is towards the camera and the other is away from it. This works for women and for men. You have heard that TV adds ten pounds to anyone filmed. When a photo of you is taken head on, it makes you look heavier than you are. It’s because the plane of the body in the photo matches the plane of the camera’s eye not because you ate too much chocolate. Remember when one shoulder is closer to the camera then the other it makes you look slimmer.

4.      Tip Four - For women only. If you’re standing and you want to take attention away from your hips and look slimmer, stand with only one side of your body towards the camera with your feet and the rest of your body turned away. Then turn and look at the camera over your shoulder.

5.      Tip Five- To look slimmer and powerful.

For women:  To give yourself an hourglass figure do the Mae West, “Come up to my place.” Hand on your hip stance.  Stand catty corner from the camera so your right foot is towards the camera at 12:00 on a clock and your left foot is to the side at nine o’clock slightly behind the right. Shift your weight over your back left leg. Stretch your body up to elongate your torso and place your hand just above your hip. This pose doesn't work for everyone so check yourself out in the mirror first. 

For men:  Expand your body by lifting up your chest and holding your shoulders back. Practice in a mirror first so you can make sure you look natural and relaxed and don't forget the breathing in tip #one to make it natural. 

6.      Tip Six- Stretch your neck up and point your chin just a little bit up. This gets rid of a double chin. Careful not to point it too high up or you will look like a stuck up snob.

7.      Tip Seven – A variation from the above. Turn your head so that only ¾’s of your face is towards the camera and then lift up and elongate your neck then slightly tilt your head to the side. This keeps any sagging skin at the neck, chin and face smoothed out. Think of it as a temporary face-lift. Now if you could only stay that way all the time and not look like a goose!

8.      Tip Eight – Smile naturally. Talk while you are being photographed. Don’t freeze. Freezing into cheese pose makes the muscles in your face tighten rather than relax. Keep snapping. Talk about things that make you happy, your kids, or your sweetie. The magic words that will help your face go into a full big smile are words that end with your mouth open such as ee and aa sounds so you can say a string of words like money, cherry, cheese, hay, day, lay, say.  

9.      Tip Nine -Another trick for smiling is to place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth and smile. Or turn on a comedy show and start laughing. Everybody looks beautiful when laughing.

10.  Tip Ten - Show the best side of your face. This is different for each individual. The right side of your face is controlled by the left hemisphere and is less emotional. That may mean it has less wrinkles or it may make you look more severe.  Your left side of your face is controlled by the right emotional hemisphere which tends to make that side of your face more animated and expressive. Check out your face in the mirror to find your “best side.”

11.  Tip Eleven – Sometimes you can break all the rules, lean in, look down and say “hello” 

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.