I worked on a piece today for a magazine that asked me, ask an expert on first impressions, and networking, several questions about getting into the dating world after 40. Here are my very rough notes that I sent them.
How do they approach coming back to dating after a long break? One step in
entering into the mingling, and dating world is to think about it as an
adventure, a fantastic trip to a new land! That can raise your energy and
excitement and flip it from a “Job” to what it can be and that is fun! When you
plan a trip, you think about where you most want to go, then kind of “scenery”
and “activities” and new people you want to see and experience. Make a plan, set
weekly and monthly goals and activities. Post your activities on your phone and
ideally to make it real a wall calendar in your home. I suggest to clients they
put little yellow sticker circles on activity days on their calendar and make
sure they plan on a least one a week.
Number one, talk to strangers. Start conversations with interesting, safe
people wherever you go. From your bank teller to the guy or gal behind you in
line at the grocery store. It makes your life happier and as my mom always
says, “Go out, You might meet somebody.” She met my dad at a dance she hadn’t
wanted to go to because she was tired from a long day at work but her sister
said, “Go, you might meet somebody.” She met my dad on a Wednesday and married
him a WEEK later.
Ask yourself what you like to do, or if you have been a homebody for a while
what you use to like to do. Do you enjoy movies? Find a meeting up group and go
to movies or go onto your neighborhood Facebook page, (Try Nextdoor.com) and
say, “Hey I am going to see “MOVIE” name at 4:00 on Sunday, who wants to join
me.
If you like music search for small venues ( Search for “Listening Rooms”
those are venues, where people don’t get on their cell phones or get rowdy
they listen to the music and can talk before and after acts) where you can meet
people and go. You can take a book, but sit at the bar and leave a empty seat
next to you and if someone seems nice, guy or gal talk to them. Practice your
meeting new people and small talk skills.
It's cliché, but find a class at your local college, in the continuing
education department. I taught a course we called “Meeting of the Minds" at
Emory continuing Ed for 14 years. It was a six week class where the group met
at different coffee houses. A lot of people met, fell in love and got married
taking that class.)
Again cliché, but volunteer. Google something you might like to do and then, volunteer. You can usher at plays and concerts, you can read at the local
hospital, you can sort food at the local food bank, you can register people at
a Saturday Marathon.
Look online for Meetup groups, They have them for EVERY interest, from
photography and hiking to wine tasting and science lectures. Just go, go early
so you can be the greater and have a task to do to make other people feel
welcome.
Absolutely ask you friends for their help. Years ago I asked two guy friends
if they knew anybody and they said, “Are you kidding we are gay, we don’t know
anyone for you.” Weeks later they called, they were having dinner with my one
friends uncle, who was single and describing what he wanted in a woman and it
fit me to a tee and we set up a date. Keep saying what you are looking for.
Your friends and family may forget you are looking. Remind them!!!
Eat out at restaurants you feel comfortable in that the kind of people you
feel good around go to. Sit at the bar where you can make new friends. If that
seems overwhelming, go sit at the bar and order take out and get a
drink,(soda’s work if you don’t’ drink) so you sit there for a few minutes,
then build up to sitting there for a full meal and talking to strangers around
you.
I recommend that you NOT go to online dating sites That is a rather scary
world for the over 40 newbie single person.. Even if you are an introvert and
it seems so simple. Delay the urge. Get your sea legs and the connection of
other single friends first to be grounded and supported. Getting out into the
world with other SINGLE people who are experiencing some of the same feelings
is helpful and healing even if you don’t immediately meet someone you want to
date. You may test it later, but Delay it. If and when you do go into that
world, know it’s very easy to create a persona or façade online. choose
carefully, get on the phone as quickly with them as possible to hear how they
really are and not merely anyone’s well-crafted tales. Ask yourself if you feel
safe and comfortable with them on the phone. Are any warning bells going
off. Ask them for photos of them with friends and or family. Look at those
photos carefully to see how they are with other people.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
