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Social Anxiety Tips

agreements occur between your children, try to listen
Dear Patti

Find the article below or by going to the magazine website www.motherhood.com.pk

Social Anxiety
7 tips for reducing your
social anxiety and
improving your first
impression at parties
and networking events
none of them feels neglected
When attending or taking part in school events, try to do so
By: Patti Wood MA, CSP
Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Street Journal, Forbes and 
Some of you may think of parties and mingling
opportunities and jump for joy whereas some
of you may think of punch and cookies and
meeting strangers and feel your palms begin to
sweat and your throat start to close. Here are fun and
helpful tips for feeling more comfortable at your next
party so you can change from a wallflower to a
“social butterfly.”

1. Go early rather than late. If you arrive before
other guests, it is easier to get acclimated. You can
stand with the host if you need courage or introductions.
You can even ask for an anxiety-distracting
task like taking everybody’s coats or asking if they
would like a drink. Nervousness comes out of your
body in many ways. One way is through your hands.
When your hands are confidently occupied with
useful tasks, that confidence message goes to your
brain and affects your entire body. It also gives you
an easily repeatable script, “Would you like me to
take your coat?” as a conversation opener.

2. Stand near the best smelling food. That is
where the people are. If the food is good, they will
think good things about you. Research says that
pleasant smells give rise to pleasant mood states and
persuasion research shows that when we feel good
we associate those pleasant feelings with the people
we were with when we felt them. Want to get a call
from someone you met at a party? Our sense of smell
is our strongest link to memory so someone you
meet near the good smelling food will be more likely
to remember you if they associate you with a good
smell. Food also gives you an easy conversation
opener. “Have you tried the crab dip?” “It’s great.” In
addition to this, holding and eating food, like taking
coats, gives you something to do with your hands.

3. Look for an Open Person. Having an open
body language makes you more approachable. Use
this information to look for people who you can
easily approach. Search for people who are intently
speaking to someone already. Spy the people who
have their feet slightly apart a few inches rather than
crossed, pressed together, or cowboy show of defensive
stance 14 inches apart. It is easier to approach
someone who is showing his or her palms as they
gesture and is smiling. If you are super shy, you can
Feeling anxious at the prospect of mingling with people is
quite common just go up and stand next to someone who
looks open and slowly mirror his posture. Research says
he is likely to start a conversation with you.

4. Go first….you can also introduce yourself. I
know I know, you’re thinking, "Patti, you are insane.
I hate to talk to people and you want me to initiate a
conversation!” “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.” Put
down the fork. Research shows that when you
initiate you appear more confident to other people
and they immediately feel more at ease. In addition,
when they feel at ease, the comfort transfers to you.
Remember, two awkward people equal three times
the anxiety. In the classic movie, “Come Saturday
Morning” Liza Minnelli introduces herself with
charming tenderness to a shy boy on a bus.

5. Introduce people to each other. Again, you
have something to do, and goodness it takes the
pressure off you. You now say the younger person’s
name first to introduce them to the older person, say
the lower status person’s name first to introduce
them to the higher status person. Think bigwig’s
name is said last.

6. Ask a question and then relax and listen.
When I was in grad school and teaching at Florida
State I tried out for and got a part in a community
program. I almost lost my voice and I learned a lot
about listening. So much anxiety comes from not
knowing what to do or how to do it well. I can tell you
that the smartest thing you can do at a party is ask a
gentle question. It completely takes the talking pressure
off you. You don’t have to be witty and urbane
to be good listeners. And if “The Seven Habits of
highly successful people” is right, everybody loves a
good listener.

7. Nod your head. Nod your head. Women love
it. Men typically only nod their heads when they
agree, woman nod to show they are listening. Guys,
if you nod your head a lot, she will love you. Beware
of nodding your head at your female boss at the
office. Power people love it when you nod your head
too, but your boss might think you love them so
much you are willing for them to nominate you for
the office, “recycling waste committee for 2009.”


Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

What is Michelle Obama's Hugging Style? Michelle Obama’s Hugs

What is Michelle Obama's Hugging Style?
What do Michelle Obama’s Hugs Mean?

Here are my rough notes describing the meaning and style of Michele Obama’s Hugs followed by a piece I did for Daily Beast about Michele's hugging body language.
Michelle Obama is an amazing hugging powerhouse. She initiates hugs and she likes to be "on top" when she is hugging. Michelle's preferred way of hugging is to have her arms up and around and have the other person's, (if they choose to hug back), arms below hers. Going first and hugging on top are power moves and a maternal/matriarchs style of hugging.  Amazingly, she even does this with some political figures! Presidential wives have always been "bottom huggers" But, there are many photos of her hugging dominant world leaders with her arms on top.  You rarely, if ever, see women as "on top" huggers except for big female stars of Hollywood.

Michelle also likes to wrap her arms fully around the head or waist of her hugee to fully encompass them. This shows affection as well has her power. 

Typically she does not cup her hands, rather than arching the palm in soft hold she keeps the palm flat and the finger extended out and flat. That is a much more formal way of holding the hands and it gives her more property dominance. That is she takes up more space across the back. That can also send the signal, “I am strong.” And “I have your back.”
One of the most interesting and what I find is the sweetest aspect of her hugging style is that she likes to place her head right next of the head of her huggee. Sometimes, even brushing her cheek against theirs as she goes in. That is a very giving and intimate way to hug. Many huggers are only halfway huggers and don't give their full upper torso. You see them actually have conflict about being too close. You can see them hold their head slightly back and I can see tension in their necks as they make a real effort to not be too close or too intimate.  Mrs. Obama wants to have that head connection.

I would call Mrs. Obama a Big Bear hugger which is defined by the arms being wrapped fully around the person and being pulled in tight with a quick but tight secure squeeze. This shows enthusiasm for seeing someone and can also show someone’s need to show power over or protection of the huggee. 

Here is the link to the Daily Beast article I did on this topic.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/04/28/how-michelle-obama-became-hugger-in-chief.html




Hold Tight
04.28.155:20 AM ET
How Michelle Obama Became Hugger In Chief
At the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, forget the jokes and schmoozing. The real power lay in FLOTUS’s embrace.
Even though Ezra Kaplan was awarded $5,000 towards his journalism studies before a room full of the nation’s most acclaimed reporters and glittering celebrities, the true highlight of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was the hug he received from Michelle Obama.

“Seriously, I’ve been telling everyone this, she is the best hugger ever,” Kaplan tells me, his enthusiasm bubbling over the phone from halfway across the country in Evanston, Illinois. “I’ve been trying to describe it to many of my friends. It’s a solid hug, not a dumb politician hug with a pat on the back. It’s a real hug that makes you feel like she legitimately cares.”
Sure, the Commander-in-Chief got in some good yucks at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night, especially with Keegan-Michael Key playing his “Luther, the anger translator.
But more intriguing to analyze was the onward hugging march of Michelle Obama, who embraced nearly 20 journalism scholarship recipients, a gesture of physical intimacy that is now a trademark for the current FLOTUS.


After speaking to multiple body language experts, the consensus is clear: Michelle Obama is an exceptionally pro-hug first lady, and what she communicates via her willingness to embrace others says much about her personally.
“I do think she hugs more. She stands out,” says Patti Woods, the author of Snap—Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma and a teacher on body language for over 30 years.
It’s not just the frequency of Obama’s hugs, but the types of hugs she gives, which is unique for first ladies, says Woods. “Typically, it’s been fairly formal. There’s more restraint, holding the pelvis back and the head back. You see a lot more body tension around former first ladies, a lot more upper body going forward but the rest of the body going straight down. It’s less giving. There’s less intimacy,” she says.
That stiff, restrained embrace—the kind that have all the artificial, unfulfilling sweetness of a pack of Sweet’N Low—is not Obama’s style. Noor Wazwaz, another scholarship recipient who received a coveted FLOTUS hug on Saturday night, can certainly attest to that.
“She was holding onto me. People were like ‘Wow, that’s a tight grip.’ I think that genuine love and compassion comes out.”
“She definitely gives the best hugs, that’s for sure,” she says, noting friends even remarked on the embrace from a photo she took. “I have a picture of me and her at the VIP party. She was holding onto me. People were like ‘Wow, that’s a tight grip.’ I think that genuine love and compassion comes out.”
Michelle Obama separates herself from her 45 FLOTUS predecessors because she’s an “initiator hugger,” says Woods. “She’s the one who does it all the way. There’s no hesitation. It’s not ‘Now, I must hug.’ Instead of it being a formal ritual, she wants to do it.”
However, it’s not as if Obama exactly had stiff competition to become the most huggable first lady. Historically, the White House spouses are not known as the most physically affectionate creatures.
There’s Barbara Bush, who, according to a Vanity Fair profile in 1992, terrified the White House staff—“when she frowned it had the capacity to send shudders through a lot of people,” one Bush associate told the magazine.
“Barbara Bush had her shoulders back and was more regal, stately,” says Susan Constantine, another body language expert. “Michelle Obama is inviting the hug, and she’s giving you the green light.”
No first lady was more regal than Nancy Reagan. Her Dynasty-era glamour was strictly look-don’t-touch. She was more famous for lecturing the youth of America on the perils of drugs, not holding them close. Any physical intimacy was strictly for her husband.
Even Jackie Kennedy, one of the most adored first ladies in U.S. history, was not a woman to be hugged—publically at least. The young and stunning Mrs. Kennedy was an alluring asset to JFK’s 1960 presidential campaign. However, her hair was so perfectly coiffed, her Oleg Cassini ensembles so pristine, her accent so utterly patrician, one could not imagine embracing her, lest we blemish her with our plebeian impurities.
“When we look at Jackie Kennedy, she had that untouchable look, even though she was lovable,” says Constantine. In contrast, Obama “has the look of an everyday, approachable woman. The difference between the two is that Michelle Obama does not come across as stuffy. She’s opened up her arms. Naturally, her guard is down, rather than seeming very prissy.”



Jason Reed/Reuters
Obama’s move to be less formal and more intimate is not without precedent among iconic women on the world stage.
Princess Diana was one of the first female heads of states to relinquish the stately distance for a physical closeness. For Princess Diana to hug a 7-year-old AIDS patient in 1989 was actually a landmark physical gesture, a hug that had social and cultural significance. “She would lean down and look at children at eye level. She was always warm,” recalls Constantine.
Far from exhibiting the usual royal parental reserve—Prince Charles famously said he could not remember being hugged by his mother, the Queen—Diana relished hugging her own boys.
Indeed, both Diana and Michelle Obama have shown personas crafted around warmth and accessibility. As such, their hugs may be the ultimate power move, a subversive way of showing strength and authority.
Most surprising of Michelle Obama’s hugs was her infamous embrace of Queen Elizabeth in 2009. British pearl-clutchers recoiled with surprise when FLOTUS put her arm around Her Majesty, even though it was the famously formal Queen who initiated the move.
Compared to the first lady’s usual style, this was barely a hug, but a warm, firm hand on the back to match the Queen’s own move. Yet even that level of physical intimacy was unprecedented for official White House interactions with royalty.
“At some level she [Michelle Obama] made a decision to do what she wanted,” says Wood, “and to show her warmth and personality, but also her power. It was her saying, ‘We will take care of you. We will protect you.’ To me that’s very strong.”
For Wood, “In that moment, it totally took away her [Queen Elizabeth’s] power, and that’s why the country was horrified. We will always just have that image of the Queen looking diminutive and uncomfortable, and Mrs. Obama looking incredibly comfortable and incredibly confident.”
Many would disagree with that: The Queen looks very comfortable, and it more seems a wonderful, impromptu, expressive moment for both women to have shared.
For Wood, Obama has hugging moves that convey unusual strength for a woman. “She likes to be on top—to have her arms up and around—when she hugs. She even sometimes does that with powerful males. I’m amazed by that. Usually, women go under [reach down to a waist] when they’re hugging powerful men.”
Of course, there are those who doubt how genuine the hugs are in the first place.
“Are the hugs truly because she wants to connect on an emotional level, or are they robotic? That’s still a question to be answered,” says Constantine.
She sees Obama’s hugging as a way to combat the more negative press she received when her husband was first campaigning for president in 2008.
That summer, a Pew Research Center poll noted that Michelle Obama was in the press more often than her Republican counterpart, Cindy McCain. But, a higher percentage reported hearing negative stories about Mrs. Obama than Mrs. McCain.
“The way she [Obama] wants to be portrayed is countering the bad publicity of seeming mean, angry, bitchy that was out there.” Her excellent, personable hugging has been good PR for her. “The pendulum is swinging the other way over to being sociable, arms around the waist, the girlfriend thing,” says Constantine.
Her hugging has also distinguished the image the Obamas want to portray of a more accessible, “normal” White House.
“I think with their whole strategy was about connecting with people. The president and FLOTUS [traditionally] stay in the White House, they don’t intermingle too much. I think they [Michelle and Barack Obama] have broken the rules,” says Constantine.
“I think they’re setting trends with a new connectivity with the American people. I think people want to feel like they can talk to people in leadership. I tend to like it, and I’m not even a Democrat,” she adds with a laugh.



Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

How to Recover From A Bad First Impression

Patti was interviewed by the Toronto Sun on how to recover from a bad first impression.  Read her tips below!

You Blew It! Now What?
How to Recover From
A Bad First Impression
JOANNE RICHARD
Special to Postmedia Network

Your gut tells you that you messed up, but you don’t get
a second chance at making a good first impression right?

Well, possibly you do but you must go in prepared. A
recovery mission to alter an initial perception requires
persistence.

According to experts, if you’ve made a bad first
impression, people then search for behaviors that
backup their initial perception, and ignore information
that conflicts with what they already believe. Beliefs stick
and may limit opportunities in many areas of life.

Persistence
According to body language expert Patti Wood,
(pattiwood.net) first impressions are made within seconds
and it can take up to six months of continuous face-to-
face interaction to change an incorrect first impression.
First impressions are stubborn, social psychologist Heidi
Grant Halvorson tells Business Insider. “And they can
Sometimes be way, way off.” If you’ve stumbled, here’s how
 to recover and make a great impression — the second
time around!
Set a new intention, recommends
Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First
Impressions, Body Language and Charisma. Think of the
new impression you want to send. Anchor it with a specific
set of behaviors you will do at a specific time.
“Let’s say you are seen as overly critical in meetings so
at each meeting you set the intention: I will give one piece
of praise by midway in each meeting and smile and look
at the person or group as I say it,” says Wood.
Provide the perceiver with abundant evidence that they
are dead wrong about you, suggests Grant Halvorson in
Business Insider.
Repeat your evidence behavior over and over.
Piling it on will need to go on for quite
some time. Adds Wood: “If you want to change your
impression you will have to give your better impression
over and over and again to build trust. Don’t be discouraged.
Keep trying. Your consistent positive behavior
will nurture a more accurate healthy impression and long
lasting healthy relationships.”



Show a different, better side
of your personality to help reshape perception, recommends
Wood. “If you come across as gruff, turn and show
your sense of humor. If you come across a cold, show your
warmth — perhaps by showing the way you are a good listener
by leaning forward, paying attention. “If you come across as critical,
show you are actually a positive person who notices
good things by making a comment about a great movie you
just saw or giving a concrete piece of praise,” says Wood.



 


Interact in a different place.


“Research on first impressions
says they are more likely to change if the person sees you
in a different environment,” says Wood, so if the blunder
happened in a meeting room, stop and chat in the hall or
break room. “If you interact every day in the office, go out
with the office staff to lunch. Mix your environments.”
Watch and listen to yourself. Wood says to use your
phone to audio or video tape yourself to see what it is
you are doing that sets a bad impression. “Then watch the
tape and write out the behaviors or have someone else
listen to or look at the tapes and give you feedback.”
Check in at the start and end of interactions.



Be aware of your first and lasts
The first thing and last thing you do in an interaction has the greatest
impact on your impression, says Wood, so be sure to take
note of what you’re doing and make adjustments in your
behavior at those times.

Ask for a do-over
Consider a do-over. If you really messed up and are
committed to reversing that bad first impression, then
apologize and start over. Be profuse and gracious with
your apology, recommends Vicky Oliver, author of 301
Smart Answers to Tough Interview Questions. This must be
done with integrity to work, adds Wood. You must sincerely
wish to improve how you are. “A very brave way to change
a bad first impression is to ask for a do-over then ask that very person to tell you the
one small behavior you can change to begin to heal and
change their impression of you.,” says Wood.
joanne.richard@sunmedia.ca


 
“A very brave way to change a
bad first impression is to ask that very
person to tell you the one small
behavior you can change to begin
to heal and change their
impression of you.”
Patti Wood


Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Body Language of Leaders of China and Japan

Notice the body language, the sour downward looks in the leader of China (Xi Jinping) and leader of Japan (Shinzo Abe) Also notice how they pull away from each other in the photo below.


The leaders of China (Xi Jinping) and Japan (Shinzo Abe) held an ice-breaking summit this morning, after two years of dangerous animosity.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Verbal and Body Language Signs You're Neglecting Your Husband, Your Husband is Unhappy and or is Mad at You, and May Want to Leave You

Verbal and Body Language Signs You're Neglecting Your Husband, Your Husband is Unhappy and or is Mad at You, and May Want to Leave You
By Patti Wood MA, CSP
Author of
SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma


He does not spend time with you
He does not want to be in the same room
He does not want to have meals with you
He is always tired
He picks silly fights and complains about small things
He makes you wait. Time is an important non-verbal communicator. If he keeps you waiting, it's a sign his interest is waning and a sign of disrespect. This is true for dates as well. If he starts waiting until the very last minute to make date plans with you, it's likely he's lost interest, or he's hoping something better will come along and he's using you as a back-up.
He declines sex and intimacy. There is a dramatic change in sexual behavior.  This can mean two things: (1) He wants to avoid any situation where he might have to express emotion or attachment to you, or (2) He's getting it somewhere else.

Here are some specific nonverbal behaviors.

Feet Behavior

He points his feet away from you. The feet are the most honest portion of the body.  Look at your sweetie's feet when you are out with other people. If they are pointed at you, great. If they're pointed at someone else, your partner may be looking to walk.

Eye Behavior

1. Avoids making eye contact with you despite the fact that you are looking directly at him.

2. He knows that you are looking at him instead tries to make eye contact with someone else, look at the ceiling or to another point in the room.

3. Stares at you with dead eyes and the corners of his mouth turned downward with compressed lips.
4. Stares at you with a sneer - the corners of his mouth twisted and his nose wrinkled.

5. Turns his head and looks away while you are speaking.

6. Shakes his head, rolls eyes or yawns.

Body Behavior

1. Thrusts one or both hands into the pockets of his pants when talking to you.

2. Places his arms and hands against the chest and inserted the hands through the gaps made near the armpits.

3. Whether he’s sitting or standing, he keeps his legs closed tightly together or very far apart.

4. Leans back in his chair positioning himself at a distance from you.

5. He does not mirror you and or you notice you’re mirroring his negative body language. People mirror each other's body language when they are in love with similar gestures, voice volume, etc. If you're noticing the two of you are out of sync, you probably are. That's not all.

6. He closes his body windows. When a sweetie is unhappy they will display a lack of open "windows" towards you. "Windows" being his heart, eyes, neck and palms. If your man turns his heart (the center of his chest) away from you as you are talking to each other.




Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.