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Why We Love Our Cell Phones

By Patti Wood MA, CSP
Speaker, Author and Coach


Yes, we love our cell phones.  Our cell phones can  give us a high, make us feel superior to others, comfort and advise us. There is so much to love.

Four Reasons We Love Our Cell Phones.

1.       When you interact with a technological device you make what is labeled in the research “quick shallow decisions”, such as, “I want this text. I don't want this text. ““I want this website it’s interesting. I don't want this one it’s boring” “I want to take this call.” “I don’t want to take this call.”
These quick shallow decisions lay down pathways to the ego centers of your brain. In fact, doing so gives you a bit of a hit of a chemical high. So when you check your phone you get a high, feel in control and because you are getting a hit to the ego centers of the brain it makes you feel superior to those around you. You can now understand why people are constantly checking their phones, especially when they are stressed or have no other activity or bored and why techno jerk doing it rudely, seems irritated and uncomfortable to have ask him to stop interacting with his phone or gets irritated when you want to talk with him face-to-face. Unfortunately, to successfully make quick shallow decisions you are laying down pathways to the ego portion of the brain and having the face-to-face interactions that lay down pathways to the social centers of the brain. You’re laying your tracks down to the ego center that produces that nice addictive high but interpersonal communication becomes more difficult and may even feel like an inferior means of interacting. Something you are "above" having to do. “
Again, when you talk to other people face-to-face you lay down neural pathways to the social centers of your brain.  The more you interact interpersonally human to human the stronger the pathways become. Meeting people and talking to them becomes easier and you become more skilled and confident and make a great first impression.
I discuss this in my book, “SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma”  

2.      In addition, I have seen that nonverbally the small portable device becomes a “comfort artifact” similar to a “blankie” or teddy bear. Touching it and interacting with it, can calm us and create soothing chemicals in the brain.

3.      Also, for many the phone becomes a companion so they touch it and interact with it whenever they feel alone.

4.      Finally, Siri and Google search offer the comforts of a all-knowing and wise parent that can tell them how to get to the grocery store, what to buy when they get there and how to cook it, and if they burn themselves while cooking how to sooth their “Boo Boo.”

My main website is www.PattiWood.net. You can also find my other websites, blogs and YouTube Channel by searching for Body Language Expert.

Here is another piece I have written on this topic.

Why Technology is Stressing Us Out? Technology and the Brain

I was speaking at a private school recently and the teacher updated me on some of the latest research on the brain being done at Emory University. It is very interesting so stick with it.

  1. The pruning of (reduction) neural pathways in the brain when we are young is based on how we use our brain. The brain prunes pathways we don’t use and keeps the neural pathways we use the most.
  2. The ones laid down when we are highly focused on activities like reading a book or having a deep conversation are deeper and have more capacity like wide superhighways. They can handle more information overload when we are under stress like a highway can handle more cars in commute time than a surface road.
  3. The neural pathways laid down for the quick shallow decisions we make when we are on technology such as, “I want this email I don’t want this one.” “I want this website in my Google search I don’t want that one.” are shallow and thin pathways that actually break apart under stress because of their low capacity, like a bridge could collapse if too many cars and trucks are on it at the same time. This is kind neural pathways that young people are forming the most.
  4. If we don’t have focused attention and deep social bonds and therefore only have the shallow, narrow, neural pathways formed with our use of technology we have trouble handling stress. We may feel overwhelmed and helpless and unable to make a decision. We may have panic attacks, freeze in place, get sick or call our mommies for help. Any one that uses technology a lot can form more shallow narrow pathways and therefore have less ability to think and function under stress.



Body Language Read of Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder


It's hard not to be tense on the Cannes carpet. (so much travel, and so many people) Nikki looks like a department store dummy/doll. So stiff and in place. What is very concerning is that her arm closest to him, that is actually more relaxed rather than stiff like the rest of her, is not reaching towards him or holding him in any way, yet they are on the same plane side by side. The photo is of both of them, but if you clipped it you wouldn’t know they were with anyone else.  Her stare is filled with pain. His stare is one of resignation. He does overlap her and his shoulder is up slightly to wrap his arm around her but his body is very tense and his mouth is closed and again holding his true feeling in. This couple could be unhappy because of the tension of the event but I would like to see them comfort each other if they are tense do to external causes or help make each other more playful with the craziness of Cannes. 



Happy photo of him in a white shirt grey scarf. I love how relaxed he is. He is leaning in a relaxed way towards her with his right hip laying against the front of her body and his weight over the foot closet to her. These cues combined with his bright lifted smile show how happy and comfortable he is with her. Nikki is all about him in this photo, She is checking in too make sure he is truly happy, shown by her head out and towards him and the check in glance and slightly tense smile. But her eye brows have a nice lift and there is not other facial or body tension so I know she is pleased with his happiness and closeness. I would love to see their hands and feet, but I give this photo a four.





Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Time Travel Novels Read by Patti Wood

Time Travel Novels
 Read by Patti Wood

I have been fascinated by time travel since was 9. I read three or four science fiction books a week as a teenager. Yes, I was and always will be a nerd and yes, I love the movie, “Ground Hog Day” and I have seen the very silly, “Hot Tub Time Machine.” If you are looking for a fun, “It is time for something completely different “read over the summer, here are some of the books I have read.


I read this when I was twelve and I am still amazed at Well’s vision! The writing is a bit stilted, but everyone should read this classic. The Time Machine is a science fiction novel by H. G. Wells, published in 1895. Wells is generally credited with the popularization of the concept of time travel by using a vehicle that allows an operator to travel purposefully and selectively through time. The term "time machine", coined by Wells, is now almost universally used to refer to such a vehicle.


I read it when I was in the sixth grade and the story started my fascination with time travel.  Wrinkle in Time is a science fantasy children’s novel by Madeleine L'Engle, first published in 1963.[1] The story revolves around a young girl whose father, a government scientist, has gone missing after working on a mysterious project called a tesseract. The book won a Newbery Medal, Sequoyah Book Award, and Lewis Carroll Shelf Award, and was runner-up for the Hans Christian Andersen Award.


I read this in the novel “Bid Time Return” my first semester of college. It was later re titled "Somewhere in Time" after the Christopher Reeves movie came out. I can remember sitting on my dorm room bed and being transported by it. It is really a romance novel. Guys may not like it, but it was a delicious read. Somewhere in Time -Matheson's classic novel tells the moving, romantic story of a modern man whose love for a woman he has never met draws him back in time to a luxury hotel in San Diego in 1896, where he finds his soul mate in the form of a celebrated actress of the previous century. Somewhere in Time won the World Fantasy Award for Best Novel, and the 1979 movie version, starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour, remains a cult classic.



I read this when years ago in the fist week the book came out. It is a fast paced summer read. Plan to stay up to finish it. Timeline is a science fiction novel by Michael Crichton that was published in November 1999. It tells the story of a group of history students who travel to 14th Century France to rescue their professor. The book follows in Crichton's long history of combining technical details and action in his books, addressing quantum and multiverse theory. I liked how the characters who traveled back dealt with the rough style of living in the 14th century. Some abated to it readily, and some where horrified. The Movie really didn't convey the fear they had well. 


I read this a few years ago and was charmed by the setting in Venice. There are many scenes that take place in coffee houses and famous landmarks. I also enjoyed the characters based on real life figures. For example, it mentions Mark Twain and his family on there stay in Venice when he was on his world wide speaking tour. It also delves, Hitler’s childhood and the strong prejudice that Many Venetians had against the Jews that is very unsettling and insightful. It’s an entertaining book. 
The Little Book Thirty years in the writing. Selden Edwards' dazzling first novel is an irresistible triumph of the imagination. Wheeler Burden-banking heir, philosopher, student of history, legend's son, rock idol, writer, lover, recluse, half-Jew, and Harvard baseball hero-one day finds himself wandering not in his hometown of San Francisco in 1988 but in a city and time he knows mysteriously well: Vienna, 1897. Before long, Wheeler acquires a mentor in Sigmund Freud, a bitter rival, a powerful crush on a luminous young woman, and encounters everyone from an eight-year-old Adolf Hitler to Mark Twain as well as the young members of his own family. Solving the riddle of Wheeler's dislocation in time will ultimately reveal nothing short of one eccentric family's unrivaled impact upon the course of human history.


I read this book in the readers copy that my friend Pat gave me after she reviewed it for a magazine. (The book didn’t come out another year)  I have this potent memory of reading it. It was one long reading orgy weekend. I feasted on the story. You have to get to the end. It is one of the best book endings ever written. It is also a romance novel. The movie didn’t do it justice.
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, published in 2003. It is a love story about a man with a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel unpredictably, and about his wife, an artist, who has to cope with his frequent absences and dangerous experiences. Niffenegger, frustrated in love when she began the work, wrote the story as a metaphor for her failed relationships. It is better than the movie.




This is a fun read, though a bit dark at times and the time travel aspect is rather hokey, it is a delight to have Bram Stoker and H.G. Wells Conversing.
The Map of Time Characters real and imaginary come vividly to life in this whimsical triple play of intertwined plots, in which a skeptical H. G. Wells is called upon to investigate purported incidents of time travel and to save lives and literary classics, including Dracula and The Time Machine, from being wiped from existence.

I read this in seventh grade and have not read it since, but I remember feeling the main character’s rage and was hooked on the idea that time travel gave you a chance for a “Do Over.” Dan Davis was tricked by an unscrupulous business partner and a greedy fiancee into spending thirty years in suspended animation just when he was on the verge of a success beyond his wildest dreams. But when he awoke in the future, he discovered he had the means to travel back in time -- and get his revenge


I read this in High School. I don’t think I would like it now but at the time it was thrilling. The Eternity of the title is an organization carefully isolated from the rest of the temporal world, staffed by male humans called Eternals recruited from different eras of human history commencing with the twenty-seventh century. The Eternals are capable of traveling “upwhen” and “downwhen” within Eternity and entering the conventional temporal world at almost any point of their choice, apart from a section of the far future which they mysteriously cannot enter.



I met a guy at a party in the 90’s who had the movie rights to this book. He was passionate about it and was working to get the movie made. I had never heard of the book and bought it immediately. It was a very a great read. It predated the movie Ground Hog Day, and had main characters who keep living the lives over and over again trying to get them right.
Replay is a novel by Ken Grimwood first published by Arbor House in 1986. It won the 1988 World Fantasy Award for Best Novel.
The novel tells of a 43-year-old man who dies and awakens back in 1963 in his 18-year-old body. He then begins to relive his life with intact memories of the previous 25 years. This happens repeatedly with different events in each cycle. The premise was explored earlier by Richard A. Lupoff in his 1973 short story "12:01". The novel was a bestseller in Japan, and its time-loop concept has been referenced as a precursor of Harold Ramis' comedy-drama Groundhog Day (1993).

I love time travel, but I have to say this book was really slow paced and deeply dark. Stephen King loved this story too much and the book needed a better editor.  Stephen King is a great writer and it was interesting but way too long with so much repetition. I loved the way the main character goes back in time, I learned a lot about Oswald. Several guy friends of mine loved it. I think the going back and trying to do your life over again to get it right ( of in Stephens Kings Version to get the whole world right.) was paced more effectively in REPLAY.
11/22/63 Time-travel story where a man finds a diner that connects to 1958... you always go back to the same day. So he starts at the same day in history each time he goes back. So one day he goes back and just stays. He leaves his 2007 life behind. His goal? To get up to November 22, 1963, and stop Lee Harvey Oswald. He does, and he's convinced he's just FIXED THE WORLD. But when he goes back to '07, their is something wrong and we see if he can fix it. 

I love this time period. so it was fun to travel back in time to New York. When advertising artist Si Morley is recruited to join a covert government operation exploring the possibility of time travel, he jumps at the chance to leave his twentieth-century existence and step into New York City in January 1882. This book has a few sequels that are also good. The biggest surprise was to learn about the intense traffic problems and pollution in New York City in that time period. I read quite a bit so I was aware that coal mining and manufacturing towns had heavy pollution at that time, but thought of New York City as cleaner.






Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

The Rewards Of Taking a Risk, Risk Taking and Happiness

"What is a large risk that you took in the last year and what happened?" "Describe what made the risk scary and if taking that risk provided a positive result." 
We take risks when we travel to a new city, start a new business venture or the biggest risk if you’re single, go out on Match.com! You may know people who jump out of airplanes, do comedy on open mike night or go to India to meditate and sleep on blankets next to 300 strangers. Taking a risk is scary, but it can make us happier. You may know people who won't try new foods, or go to plays or any kind of live performance because there is a risk it won't be good. Goodness, I read the mixed reviews of a bed and breakfast in Asheville and wondered if we should "risk" staying there. Then I realized, what the heck, they have rocking chairs on the porch, I can rock my way through any terrifying bed and breakfast stress. After all, it’s not as if this vacation has me laying down a mil on the crap tables in Vegas!  That's my plan for August! 

Gambling in Vegas is not what I am talking about, that's not a reasonable risk for me. But you may know the wonders of taking ongoing risks that others may deem far too scary from them. I feel a sense of excitement every time I speak to an audience, I know that rush I feel even after all these years and the knowledge and experience I bring to the moment. Each audience is different. You may have a similar experience in your life. You may know the thrill that a skilled surgeon has before a surgery or a seasoned climber has before a mountain trek or an experienced surfer about to take that big wave. It’s wonderful. That thrill and sense of adventure is one of many reasons I feel so blessed to be a speaker.

I was inspired to think about risk by a Psychology Today article on risk and happiness. The article shares the surprising finding that though the state of risk, of not knowing the outcome, is actually an anxious state that people who are curious go through that uncertainty, actually report the most satisfaction with their lives. The article states that, "Curious people generally accept the notion that while being uncomfortable and vulnerable is not an easy path, it is the most direct route to becoming stronger and wiser." In fact, a closer look at a research study by Kashdan and Steger suggests that, curious people invest in activities that cause them discomfort as a springboard to higher psychological peaks." 
Two of my dear friends are taking risks right now that I greatly admire. My one friend, let’s call her Sarah, is a successful writer. We were housemates in grad school and she won awards for her screenplays. Sarah is a published author and has been taking scriptwriting classes for several years. She is going to California this summer to pitch her fantastic TV show scripts. A big risk, and so exciting.  
Another friend, let’s call him John, has not drawn since he was in High School. He has started drawing again now in his 40's. John was talking to a friend’s young son and the young man asked him what hobbies and interest had given him joy in his life. John listed drawing among his past joys and the young man asked him, "Why aren't you doing it now?" John realized that all these years he had been concerned about being self-critical of his drawing abilities so he didn't want to take the risk of that negative self-talk. But, now he realized he was excited to take the risk so in the past month he started drawing and guess what, he is so happy and his drawings are amazing!  

So today think of the big risks and small risks you take. Appreciate them, revel in them and take a few more. Then let me know about the happiness you got for being curious. 
Below I put the short portion on risk from the long Psychology Today article and then the entire article.

The Real Reward of Risk
When anxiety is an optimal state 
It's a Friday night and you're planning on meeting friends for dinner. If you want to ensure that you'll go home full, you grab pizza or burgers. If you instead pick a cuisine you've never tried before (Ethiopian—sure, why not?) you run the risk that you won't like your injera and wat that much—but you might also uncover a surprising delight.
Truly happy people seem to have an intuitive grasp of the fact that sustained happiness is not just about doing things that you like. It also requires growth and adventuring beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. Happy people, are, simply put, curious. In a 2007 study, Todd Kashdan and Colorado State psychologist Michael Steger found that when participants monitored their own daily activities, as well as how they felt, over the course of 21 days, those who frequently felt curious on a given day also experienced the most satisfaction with their life—and engaged in the highest number of happiness-inducing activities, such as expressing gratitude to a colleague or volunteering to help others.
Yet curiosity—that pulsing, eager state of not knowing—is fundamentally an anxious state. When, for instance, psychologist Paul Silvia showed research participants a variety of paintings, calming images by Claude Monet and Claude Lorrain evoked happy feelings, whereas the mysterious, unsettling works by Egon Schiele and Francisco Goya evoked curiosity.
Curiosity, it seems, is largely about exploration—often at the price of momentary happiness. Curious people generally accept the notion that while being uncomfortable and vulnerable is not an easy path, it is the most direct route to becoming stronger and wiser. In fact, a closer look at the study by Kashdan and Steger suggests that curious people invest in activities that cause them discomfort as a springboard to higher psychological peaks.
Of course, there are plenty of instances in life where the best way to increase your satisfaction is to simply do what you know feels good, whether it's putting your favorite song on the jukebox or making plans to see your best friend. But from time to time, it's worth seeking out an experience that is novel, complicated, uncertain, or even upsetting—whether that means finally taking the leap and doing karaoke for the first time or hosting a screening of your college friend's art-house film. The happiest people opt for both so that they can benefit, at various times, from each.

What Happy People Do Differently
One of life's sharpest paradoxes is that the key to satisfaction is doing things that feel risky, uncomfortable, and occasionally bad.
By Robert Biswas-Diener, Todd B. Kashdan, published on July 2, 2013 - last reviewed on June 19, 2014
For psychologists who frequently fly cross-country, how we describe our career to seatmates—mentioning for example, that we are psychologists—determines whether we get five hours of airborne intrigue or inside access to a decaying marriage or more detail than you can imagine about an inability to resist maple-glazed Krispy Kremes. Even wearing oversized headphones often fails to dissuade the passenger hell-bent on telling her story of childhood abandonment (which is why it is handy for research psychologists to simply say we study " judgments"). For those of us who risk the truth and admit that we study happiness, there's one practically guaranteed response: What can I do to be happy?
The secret of happiness is a concern of growing importance in the modern era, as increased financial security has given many the time to focus on self-growth. No longer hunter-gatherers concerned with where to find the next kill, we worry instead about how to live our best lives. Happiness books have become a cottage industry; personal-development trainings are a bigger business than ever.
The pursuit of happiness is not uniquely American either—in a study of more than 10,000 participants from 48 countries, psychologists Ed Diener of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Shigehiro Oishi of the University of Virginia discovered that people from every corner of the globe rated happiness as being more important than other highly desirable personal outcomes, such as having meaning in life, becoming rich, and getting into heaven.
The fever for happiness is spurred on, in part, by a growing body of research suggesting that happiness does not just feel good but is good for you—it's been linked to all sorts of benefits, from higher earnings and better immune-system functioning to boosts in creativity.
Most people accept that true happiness is more than a jumble of intensely positive feelings—it's probably better described as a sense of "peace" or "contentedness." Regardless of how it's defined, happiness is partly emotional—and therefore tethered to the truth that each individual's feelings have a natural set point, like a thermostat, which genetic baggage and personality play a role in establishing. Yes, positive events give you a boost, but before long you swing back toward your natural set point.
True happiness lasts longer than a burst of dopamine, however, so it's important to think of it as something more than just emotion. Your sense of happiness also includes cognitive reflections, such as when you give a mental thumbs-up or thumbs-down to your best friend's sense of humor, the shape of your nose, or the quality of your marriage. Only a bit of this sense has to do with how you feel; the rest is the product of mental arithmetic, when you compute your expectations, your ideals, your acceptance of what you can't change—and countless other factors. That is, happiness is a state of mind, and as such, can be intentional and strategic.
Regardless of your emotional set point, your everyday habits and choices—from the way you operate in a friendship to how you reflect on your life decisions—can push the needle on your well-being. Recent scholarship documenting the unique habits of those who are happiest in life even provides something of an instruction manual for emulating them. It turns out that activities that lead us to feel uncertainty, discomfort, and even a dash of guilt are associated with some of the most memorable and enjoyable experiences of people's lives. Happy people, it seems, engage in a wide range of counterintuitive habits that seem, well, downright unhappy.
A Blind Eye To Life's Vicissitudes 
The benefit of seeing the forest but not the trees
A standard criticism of happy people is that they're not realistic—they sail through life blissfully unaware of the world's ills and problems. Satisfied people are less likely to be analytical and detail-oriented. A study led by University of New South Wales psychologist Joseph Forgas found that dispositionally happy people—those who have a general leaning toward the positive—are less skeptical than others. They tend to be uncritically open toward strangers and thus can be particularly gullible to lies and deceit. Think of the happy granny who is overcharged at the car dealership by the smiling salesperson compared with more discerning, slightly less upbeat consumers.
Certainly having an eye for the finer points can be helpful when navigating the complicated social world of colleagues, acquaintances, and dates—and it's something the less sunny among us bring to bear. In fact, Virginia Commonwealth University psychologist Paul Andrews has argued thatdepression is actually adaptive. Depressed people, the logic goes, are more likely than others to reflect on and process their experiences—and thereby gain insight into themselves or the human condition—albeit at an emotional price. A little attention to detail helps with a more realistic evaluation of the social world.
Yet too much attention to detail can interfere with basic day-to-day functioning, as evidenced by research from Queen's University psychologist Kate Harkness, who found that people in a depressed mood were more likely to notice minute changes in facial expressions. Meanwhile, happy people tend to overlook such second-to-second alterations—a flash of annoyance, a sarcastic grin. You probably recognize this phenomenon from interactions you've had with your partner. While in a bad mood we tend to notice the tiniest shifts and often can't seem to disengage from a fight ("I saw you roll your eyes at me! Why did you do that!?!"), whereas when we're in a good mood, we tend to brush off tiny sleights ("You tease me, but I know you love being around me"). The happiest people have a natural emotional protection against getting sucked in by the intense gravitational pull of little details.
Similarly, the happiest people possess a devil-may-care attitude about performance. In a review of the research literature by Oishi and his colleagues, the happiest people—those who scored a 9 or 10 out of 10 on measures of life satisfaction—tended to perform less well than moderately happy people in accomplishments such as grades, class attendance, or work salaries. In short, they were less conscientious about their performance; to them, sacrificing some degree of achievement seems to be a small price to pay for not having to sweat the small stuff.
This is not to say that we should take a laissez-faire attitude to all our responsibilities; paying attention to detail is helpful. But too much focus on minutiae can be exhausting and paralyzing. The happiest among us (cheerfully) accept that striving for perfection—and a perfectly smooth interaction with everyone at all times—is a loser's bet.
The Unjealous Friend  
We're buoyed by others' good fortune
You've heard it a million times: The definition of a good friend is one who's there to lend a hand in times of need. In a recent Gallup World Poll, the biggest predictor of happiness at work was whether or not a person had a best friend they could call on for support. It makes sense, then, that we often assume that a good friend is the one who takes us out for beer and sympathy after we get passed up for a promotion—or that we're being one when we pick up our buddy at the bar after his post-layoff binge leaves him too drunk to drive.
Indeed, such support softens the blow of difficult life circumstances by helping the sufferer move past them. Still, new research reveals a less intuitive idea about friendship: The happiest people are the ones who are present when things go right for others—and whose own wins are regularly celebrated by their friends as well.
Support for this idea comes from psychologist Shelly Gable, of the University of California, Santa Barbara, and her colleagues, whose research revealed that when romantic partners fail to make a big deal out of each other's success, the couple is more likely to break up. On the flipside, when partners celebrate each other's accomplishments, they're more likely to be satisfied and committed to their relationship, enjoying greater love and happiness.
Outside of your primary relationship, however, why would capitalizing on others' success make you happier? Why should you support your born-lucky buddy by listening to him detail yet another sexual conquest when you're spending far too many Friday nights reading zombie comic books? For one thing, he really does need you. The process of discussing a positive experience with a responsive listener actually changes the memory of the event—so after telling you about it, your friend will remember that night with the model as even more positive than it was, and the encounter will be easier for him to recall a few years down the line when he's been dumped. But equally important, you'll get to "piggyback" on your friend's positivity. Just as we feel happier when we spend money on gifts or charitable contributions rather than on ourselves, we feel happier after spending valuable time listening to the accomplishments of friends.
In life, it seems, there are an abundance of Florence Nightingales waiting to show their heroism. What's precious and scarce are those people who can truly share in others' joy and gains without envy. So while it might be kind to send flowers to your friend when she's in the hospital for surgery, you'll both derive more satisfaction out of the bouquet you send her when she finishes medical school or gets engaged.
A Time For Every Feeling 
The upside of negative emotions
The most psychologically healthy people might inherently grasp the importance of letting some things roll off their backs, yet that doesn't mean that they deny their own feelings or routinely sweep problems under the rug. Rather, they have an innate understanding that emotions serve as feedback—an internal radar system providing information about what's happening (and about to happen) in our social world.
Happy, flourishing people don't hide from negative emotions. They acknowledge that life is full of disappointments and confront them head on, often using feelings of anger effectively to stick up for themselves or those of guilt as motivation to change their own behavior. This nimble mental shifting between pleasure and pain, the ability to modify behavior to match a situation's demands, is known as psychological flexibility.
For example, instead of letting quietly simmering jealousy over your girlfriend's new buddy erode your satisfaction with your relationship, accept your feelings as a signal, which allows you to employ other strategies of reacting that are likely to offer greater dividends. These include compassion (recognizing that your girlfriend has unmet needs to be validated) and mindful listening (being curious about what interests her).
The ability to shift mental states as circumstances demand turns out to be a fundamental aspect of well-being. Columbia University psychologist George Bonanno found, for instance, that in the aftermath of 9/11, the most flexible people living in New York City during the attacks—those who were angry at times but could also conceal their emotions when necessary—bounced back more quickly and enjoyed greater psychological and physical health than their less adaptable counterparts.Opportunities for flexible responding are everywhere: A newlywed who has just learned that she is infertile may hide her sense of hopelessness from her mother but come clean to her best friend; people who have experienced a trauma might express their anger around others who share similar sentiments but conceal it from friends who abide by an attitude of forgiveness. The ability to tolerate the discomfort that comes from switching mind-sets depending on whom we're with and what we're doing allows us to get optimal results in every situation.
Similar to training for a triathlon, learning the skill of emotional discomfort is a task best taken on in increasing increments. For example, instead of immediately distracting yourself with an episode of The Walking Dead or pouring yourself a whiskey the next time you have a heated disagreement with your teenage son, try simply tolerating the emotion for a few minutes. Over time, your ability to withstand day-to-day negative emotions will expand.
The Well-Being Balancing Act  
Pleasure and purpose work together
Even the most ardent strivers will agree that a life of purpose that is devoid of pleasures is, frankly, no fun. Happy people know that allowing yourself to enjoy easy momentary indulgences that are personally rewarding—taking a long, leisurely bath, vegging out with your daughter's copy of The Hunger Games, or occasionally skipping your Saturday workout in favor of catching the soccer match on TV—is a crucial aspect of living a satisfying life. Still, if you're primarily focused on activities that feel good in the moment, you may miss out on the benefits of developing a clear purpose. Purpose is what drives us to take risks and make changes—even in the face of hardship and when sacrificing short-term happiness.
Working to uncover how happy people balance pleasure and purpose, Colorado State's Steger and his colleagues have shown that the act of trying to comprehend and navigate our world generally causes us to deviate from happiness. After all, this mission is fraught with tension, uncertainty, complexity, short bursts of intrigue and excitement, and conflicts between the desire to feel good and the desire to make progress toward what we care about most. Yet overall, people who are the happiest tend to be superior at sacrificing short-term pleasures when there is a good opportunity to make progress toward what they aspire to become in life.
If you want to envision a happy person's stance, imagine one foot rooted in the present with mindful appreciation of what one has—and the other foot reaching toward the future for yet-to-be-uncovered sources of meaning. Indeed, research by neuroscientist Richard Davidson of the University of Wisconsin at Madison has revealed that making advances toward achievement of our goals not only causes us to feel more engaged, it actually helps us tolerate any negative feelings that arise during the journey.
Nobody would pretend that finding purpose is easy or that it can be done in a simple exercise, but thinking about which activities you found most rewarding and meaningful in the past week, what you're good at and often recognized for, what experiences you'd be unwilling to give up, and which ones you crave more time for can help. Also, notice whether your answers reflect something you feel that you ought to say as opposed to what you truly love. For example, being a parent doesn't necessarily mean that spending time with your children is the most energizing, meaningful part of your life—and it's important to accept that. Lying to yourself is one of the biggest barriers to creating purpose. The happiest people have a knack for being honest about what does and does not energize them—and in addition to building in time for sensory pleasures each day, they are able to integrate the activities they most care about into a life of purpose and satisfaction.
There's More To Life Than Being Happy
Nobel Laureate Albert Schweitzer once quipped that "happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." Despite the apparent luster of achieving a predominantly positive state of mind, critics argue that the pursuit of happiness is a misguided goal—it's fleeting, superficial, and hedonistic.
Research backs up some of these claims. Studies by psychologist Ed Diener show that people actually pay an emotional price for intensely positive events because later ones—even moderately pleasant ones—seem less shiny by contrast. (Sure, getting a raise feels terrific, but it might mean you fail to fully appreciate your son's performance in the school play that afternoon.)
Perhaps more damning is a series of studies led by University of California, Berkeley psychologist Iris Mauss, which revealed that people who place a premium on being happy report feeling more lonely. Yes, being happy might be healthy—but craving happiness is a slippery slope.
As well-being researchers, we don't deny the importance of happiness—but we've also concluded that a well-lived life is more than just one in which you feel "up." The good life is best construed as a matrix that includes happiness, occasional sadness, a sense of purpose, playfulness, and psychological flexibility, as well autonomy, mastery, and belonging.
While some people will rank high in happiness and social belonging, others will find they've attained a sense of mastery and achievement. This approach appreciates that not only do people differ in their happiness matrices—but they can shift in their own respective matrices from moment to moment.
For instance, your sense of autonomy might spike dramatically when, as a college freshman, you shift from living under your parents' rules to the freedom of dorm life—and then plummet a decade later when you become a parent and must sacrifice even the ability to choose your hours of sleep. Yet it would be a mistake to assume that coeds have greater well-being than new parents. Rather, each group is experiencing a unique flavor. 
Parsing the good life into a matrix is more than linguistic trickery; shifting toward a mixed-bag view of well-being opens more paths to achieving a personally desirable life. Enjoying success in even one area of the matrix can be a cause for celebration.
Happiness By The Numbers
62 
Distance from home, in miles, at which point people's tweets begin declining in expressed happiness (about the distance expected for a short work commute).
40 
The percentage of our capacity for happiness that is within our power to change, according to University of California, Riverside researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky.
85 
Number of residents out of every 100 who report feeling positive emotions in Panama and Paraguay, the most positive countries in the world.
20 
The percentage of the U.S. population wealthy enough that their feelings of happiness are not affected by fluctuations in Americans' income equality.
"What is a large risk that you took in the last year and what happened?" "Describe what made the risk scary and if taking that risk provided a positive result."

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

What Can You Do If Someone Says Something to You That Reveals They Have The Wrong Impression Of You?

What Can You Do If Someone Says Something to You 
That Reveals
They Have The Wrong Impression Of You?

You're talking to someone a co-worker, or perhaps your boss and they say something about you that isn't true about you at all.  What do you do in that moment to correct his or her misperception of you? Perhaps a mistaken impression is shared with you during your performance review, or in passing in an office conversation or meeting. Your boss or co-worker might get the wrong idea about your personality, sense of humor, interests, performance, your work or life goals or other things about you. What can you say in the moment or if you are too surprised to correct it in the moment, what is the best way to go back and set the record straight? These ideas are adapted from my book "The Conflict Cure

Sometimes you are sure they aren't accurate and sometimes you need clarification. I recommend, if you don't know how they came to that impression, you start by asking for more information.

REQUEST MORE INFORMATION
Sometimes you don’t know why someone has that mistaken impression. You can't disagree or change your behavior without clarity. Ask for the details or a specific explanation of why he or she has that impression of you.

Start your statements with a "SOFTNER" statement that takes out any hostility from your request. You might try, "I need your help to understand..." or "Can you help me understand....?" or "I really want to understand what you’re saying...." Then follow with one of these statements.

Examples:
  • “What specifically have I done that makes you feel that way?”
  • “Can you give me a specific time in the last three weeks that I did this?"
  • “Can you share a specific behavior of mine that you saw recently that led you to      feel that way?”
  • “Can you share an example of my behavior that fits that impression?

If you didn't know you did that and can now see why they feel that way, admit it. If you discover why they came to the wrong conclusion about you, you can correct it by using the “disagree” script.

DISAGREE
Without making the other person wrong. You want to clarify and change their impression not start an argument, so speak in an even neutral tone. Ideally you want to calmly repeat what they have said first, to let them know you heard and understood it before you disagree. Make sure you use their words, don't elaborate or extrapolate. Repeating puts you on even ground with them. Otherwise they may say, "You misheard me."

Examples:
  • "That surprises me, you feel that...." "That is different than my intention I feel that I....."
  • “You feel…about me, I disagree I feel…” 
  • “I think you have the impression that….but I would like share that I have done….that shows I am actually…..”


Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.