Apologies and Redemption, and How Toxic Groups Can Accept Bad Behavior, Group Narcissism

I speak on conflict management, bullying and sexual harassment and part of that work emphasize healing work and proper apologies. One the many steps in a redemptive recovery is the abuser admits they did harm and asks what they can do.

The article below shows the hurt abuse victim feel when the abuser gives a false apology. It is also interesting that is shows how a tribe (the church members) can accept bad behavior in a tribes member/leader (one of their ministers.) The tribal members think they are being good Christians to forgive him, but they overlooked the fact that it was a false apology. Not only was it not a true apology with the potential to help the victim the tribe forgave him when they had no right to as he hadn't given an apology from his victim.

Abusers can continue to abuse they can deny they abused, forget or distort the full truth of their abuses or they can choose to heal learn and grow! It would have to be a very safe healing place.

"To have him listen to me was almost the most important thing for me. And it was part of him being accountable and taking responsibility. It was so satisfying ... to have the person who hurt you sit there and listen to you and not blame you for it and admit to what they did, and to remember some of the abuse. Even though Steve didn't remember a lot of it in our first conversations, he started to remember."

https://www.npr.org/2018/01/09/576798813/for-the-men-metoo-has-toppled-redemption-will-take-more-than-an-apology?utm_campaign=storyshare&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social

Restorative justice!

Update. I find it Interesting that this happened. Then people outside the church, people not in the tribe, reacted that he had not acted properly and he eventually did step down. Tribes that are toxic often can't see their bad behavior. I believe this group felt themselves so holy they were, in fact, experiencing what I call "group narcissism". You can read other posts I have on that phenomenon.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Body Language Insights Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook's Testimony Before the Senate. Apology

This is a body language read I did for the Dow Jones news publication Moneyish on Mark Zuckerberg

Mark-zuckerbergs-body-language-during-his-senate-testimony-tells-us/

Here are my rough notes of my read including an analysis of his apology!

Body Language and apology analysis of  Mark Zuckerberg‘s testimony before Congress today for the meeting .
Forgive my voice to text these are my rough notes as I analyze Mark Zuckerberg‘s nonverbal cues during his testimony today.

I went back and watched his very first media interview where actually he seemed incredibly calm and slightly cocky especially as he talked about how users could enter their personal information at that time he thought sharing private information was the best aspect of the Facebook platform. It was quite dramatic how excited he was about that. Remember he thought it would help people find people to engage with socially and intellectually.

Fast forward to an interview several years ago and you start to see mouth window cues that show his anxiety in responding to certain questions about what Facebook does and about its privacy. In this interview he does what I have labelled tongue cleanses after he speaks. He sticks out his tongue and cleanses it with his teeth to show he’s not happy with what he just shared and that sometimes can be an indication that what he just said was not fully truthful. You also see him sweat in these more high stress interviews. And you start seeing him do a masking smile which actually looks like a grimace as he finishes sentences. The masking smile at the end of sentences indicates he’s not sure what he said is going down well. And just like the tongue cleanse it could be an indication that he doesn’t fully believe what he is saying they are scripted responses.

In the actual testimony before congress, I think what’s most interesting is that he’s even doing anxiety cues as he makes positive statements for example when he talks about growth he’s doing a masking smile so he’s not even sure as he says positive statements about his company whether Congress and the viewers are going to think that growth is a positive thing ... that’s interesting to me. The confidence in that first interview that I watched is gone today.

You may think he appears calm, but in his micro facial cues he shows extreme nervousness in the first hour of his testimony before the senate. I see an interesting mixture of anxiety and a little bit of anger. It seems the statements where he is showing anger or about what has happened that’s changed his worldview that others took the data and did bad things with it. It’s clear from his nonverbal cues as he talks about this that it makes him angry.

If you watch his nonverbal cues as he’s been introduced you’ll note that he looks down quite a bit. He actually looking towards his notes. This is a common nervousness cue that I coach my presentation, media and testamoney coachign cleints NOT to do. It happens when someone is nervous as people attach themselves to their notes when they are afraid of saying something wrong and or they are afraid they won't remember the right, prepared talking pointn.
He is also looking down a little bit in embarrassment as well. He is clearly uncomfortable.

You can see that anxiety in the tension around his mouth he gives a thin straight line trying to suppress his anxiety but the fact that his face is not relaxed and the lips aren’t turned up at the end slightly and a normal relaxed resting face indicate is his anxiety and fear.

Let me tell you what was interesting about his actual apology statement. I have a chapter in one of my books on how to give a proper apology and I read the nonverbal cues, and do content analysis of apology statements quite frequently for the media and I have been doing so for years. As you might guess
what I typically see is a "I have been caught, now I have to pretend I'm am sorry fake apology." Here Mark Zukerberg was honest. I see and hear a true apology. He gives an not just a proper apology statement but does so in a sincere painful to watch manner.

I coach my clients in situations that creepy fake apologies are worse than keeping quiet. What are some of the criteria for a true apology. First you need to say that your sorry for having done the deed. (Not the old, "I am sorry that you feel bad about what I did."
Zuckerberg says, "I’m sorry." and then he takes full responsibility even making the statement, "I own the company I am responsible for what happened.." and goes on to give details about what he did wrong. So his verbal communication his words lone are remarkable because they do with most people don’t do when they make apology statements!
Non verbally you can actually hear a break in his voice as he apologizes that para language. That is very difficult to fake. A consummate actor could do that, (he is not a consummate actor.)
You can't coach people to feel real pain. Here is something else that is unusual. He slows down slightly as he gives his apology statement is normal baseline communication is typically to give a very fast delivery inside of a sentence in this case he’s slows down his pace in the sentence. This pacing differance was proably coached. This is something I have actually coached my cleints to do.
But here is what you cant coach. Sincerity. The apology was effective. I think it immediately made people like him more. Again. He really did feel pain at what had happened and pain at his responsibility for it.

He had a lot of trouble making eye contact with his questionnaire in the first hour of his testimony. Something that is critical to making your answers sound real honest and conversational. I spend a lot of time in media and expert witness coaching working with clients on this. He eventually got that important turn taking down. Coaches often coach their clients to sip water or beverage to gain time and think of your answer and to simply calm down. But that can backfire on you as it did for Bill Clinton in the Monica Lewinski questioning. Its just plain akward being the only one drinking and having cameras record it. That has to be practiced over and over if your going to use that technique to gather your thoughts. It backfired on Zukerberg.

Though he has a lack of general affect that makes him look a bit like Data, his answers made him look so much more intelligent than most of the ill prepared senators.  He eventually began to look like the most credible person in the room! Even as he evaded direct questions! So interesting. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     Here's What Mark Zukerberg's Body Language During his Senate Testimony Tell Us.

Santorm On CPR Comments ... Santorum Did Not Apologize... How To Make A Good Apology

Link to article
https://www.politico.com/story/2018/03/28/rick-santorum-cpr-response-489635?cid=apn

As you know I am a Media coach and prep executives for their media interviews and I analyze apology statements for the media. This is NOT an apology statement. He uses a deception technique of changing the definition of a softer word “misspoke” in stead of saying he made a mistake.

So he uses an inappropriate term to describe his actions. “ I misspoke using the term CPR... I should have talked about school security.” That is not misspeaking. He knows what CPR means and he was telling teenagers to learn to do it, and use it on their friends to deal with their gunshot wounds.

He should have said but didn’t.

“I messed up, I should not have said that teenagers should learn CPR and use it on gun shot victims."
 "I realize now that would be absurd, and I apologize for saying it." Then if he felt like making another point he should have said what I feel strongly about is that we need to make our schools safer with stronger security to guard our children." 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Body Language Read of Russian tennis player Maria Sharapova on Doping, Is She Llying? Did She Know.

Body Language Read of the Apology Statement Deception of Russian tennis player Maria Sharapova to make ‘major announcement’ Yes, she is lying.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_u5Jkaho3Qw&feature=youtu.be

She takes long confident steps to the lectern (not podium as that is what someone stands on.) Her head comes down slightly and she turns her head and body away from the audience and she does a small self-comforting rock back and forth as she faces the lectern. This combination of spontaneous, unplanned cues shows that initially she wanted to look confident and righteous, but is overcome by the event.  

The unfolding of her notes on the piece of paper looked very staged oddly staged to look offhand as if there was not an entire team of people telling her how to respond to this discovery. But the way she rested her folded hands for a moment and then looked up shyly and talked in a low tone of voice, again looked, at this point, more planned and rehearsed to look humble and contrite. She touches her hair and throws her hair back in a nervous way showing a concern about how she looks to the audience.

When she says, “I received a notice that I had failed a drug test …” her mouth becomes dry and she struggles to say it as she is still shocked. Interesting that when she says, “I did fail the test and I take full responsibility for it”  her volume goes up significantly and she says in clipped way, “I take FULL..” then her volume goes down and she tries to swallow in the words and speeds up the message as she says, “…for responsibility for it.” She wanted to sound like she is taking responsibility but the end of her sentence and her head down not looking at the camera shows she clearly does NOT. It’s not shame, her posture is erect and she merely does not fully own her apology.

As she says, “…given by my doctor, my family doctor.” Look how her left arm is folded and wrapped around her right to form a castle wall of protection from her stomach. This is an absolutely understandable comfort cue.  The wording with the cues is interesting, the doctor gave her the medication. She does not say, her doctor prescribed it or that she took it, but puts the "owness" on him for “giving it to her.” Odd that she never “Googled” it. As she would have seen a few lines down in the description its performance enhancing effects as she said, “it also has a name of meldonium,” she says, “I did not know.” Though the drug she was taking has many side effects and she would have had to be informed of them and she was taking it for 10 years.

Her message choice also seems off when she says, “She was given the medication for health issues that she WAS having in 2006...” as she was still taking the medication 10 years later. When the wording is as odd and as carefully worded that it gives a strong indication of message manipulated to deceive.

She smiles as she says, “I don’t want to end my career this way.” Since this is the first time she gives a true smile and the way her eyes flirt and dance and her head moves as she says it I don’t believe it is a nervous smile… I think she believes she still has a career that she is too big to suffer this loss. This humor and playfulness continues as she says, “I know many of you thought that I would be announcing my retirement.” She actually smiles and tilts her head and flirts again as if she is thinking, “Ha, I fooled you, and I have the upper hand here.” And continues as she makes a joke about the, “fairly ugly carpet.” As a media coach, I was appalled that she chose to be playful and make a rude comment when she has cheated other honest athletes who worked very hard and made sacrifices for their sport.

From her delivery and word choice I think she knew exactly what she was doing and she thinks she will win out over this discovery.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Body Language and Deception Read of Brian Williams Iraq War Story on David Letterman.

Body Language and Deception Read of Brian Williams’

Iraq War Story on David Letterman

Brian Williams Makes Mistakes in His Apology Statement

By Body Language Expert Patti Wood

What are the “tells” that Brian Williams’ lies in part of his Iraq War Story. I detail how to read his deception then I tell you what he did wrong in his apology statement.  There is also a link below to the article I did for the IBT Pulse on the story. If you want to look at the video, as I analyze it, here is the link to the video of Brian Williams’ Iraq War Story on David Letterman.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwtxVjNVDBU 

First Williams says, “Two of the helicopters were hit including the one I was in.” This is very odd phrasing. He is stating what happened to his chopper last. If you were describing say, a car accident you would not say, “Two of the cars were in the accident, including the car I was in.” Typically, if you experienced a terrifying accident you would recall it in your limbic brain and the focus in the first part of the sentence would be on you. You would lead with what happened to you. If you are lying you are more likely to lead with the truth and hide the lie at the end of the sentence. I will say that this is a war story and sometimes war storytellers remove themselves from the first place in the story and Brian is a journalist and he is trained to remove himself from the story. Yet having stated those exceptions to sharing an incident like this, it is still really odd.

Now notice his body language as he speaks, “Two of the helicopters were hit including the one I was in.” His body stays very still, his outside hand is in a guarded wall position on the outside of his leg, his left leg is folded over his right away from Letterman and his left arm is out around the back of the chair and his hand is loosely gripping the chair arm.  He is guarding himself a bit. Perhaps not unusual if you are going to tell a story of a scare event, but this guarding is juxtaposed with him having a very expanded upper chest. That is a braggart’s position. So he is showing a mixture of the braggart and guarded positions.
His body stays very still. With the caveats stated above, I know that some “warriors” want to remain distant and or cavalier about their story.  It still seems odd that he is describing being hit without his body coming downwards or going backwards as he remembers the sensation of being hit. His head does come down on the word “hit” but the head is under more conscious control and that means he could purposefully, as a broadcaster, easily emphasize that word with his head.
What I would have liked to have seen is more subconscious body movement. I know time has passed since the event, and he was not injured, but typically I should see a hint of that movement as he “recalls” the incident. Instead he is planted. This does not mean he is lying. It is merely curious and interesting.
The vocal emphasis on hit actually matches Brian Williams’ natural vocal emphasis as he tells a news story. He typically, in his baseline of normal news storytelling, hits the verb or power word.

Body Language and Deception Analysis of Brain Williams’

Apology Statement Letterman

Apology Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33RSg9CBtUY

Williams certainly wanted to get through the apology as quickly as possible. Perhaps, because this time, he was hit by real “ground fire’ criticism from the public and the media. Time is a nonverbal communicator. Rushing through the apology shows his desire to distance himself from his guilt and get on with things rather than sincere remorse.
"I said I was in the aircraft that was hit… I was instead…” Newscasters often use the words, “rather” and “instead” when they have made a word or phrasing blunder in their news story. This was more than a misspoken word. This was a lie. If an actor had lied we would think, bad boy. This is however a news correspondent whose words we rely on for the truth of what is going on in the world.
He then goes on to give the “excuse” that the story was, “a bungled attempt to thank one special veteran…” I watched him tell the story on Letterman 6 times, and it was not a story of thanks to one special veteran. A content analysis of it instead categorizes it as a comic, “I had a bad night in Vegas” variety story. He does mention that one soldier was hit in the ear when he told the story on Letterman and he touches his ear after he says that showing he distances himself from that soldier and his injury and did not feel the pain that soldier had in that moment. Yes, he is a journalist and he is trained to distance himself, but if someone was being projected as the hero of the story it was him. Watch as he tells it how Letterman leans forward and goes, “Wow.”
As he says, “I hope they know they have my greatest respect and also now my apology” watch how his head goes down and his eyes close and his voice goes unusually soft and faint as he says the word, “apology.” I would like to say this is normal shamed behavior. But, I will say, it shows embarrassment. I would have liked to have seen him look in the camera and say, “I messed up and I am truly sorry.” He should have said, “What I did was to claim pain and hardship that was not mine to claim.”  Instead his pride overrides what should have been true humbleness. Brian Williams rushes through the content with body language that does not show he is truly contrite.

The link to the ibtimes article I did http://www.ibtimes.com/pulse/did-brian-williams-lie-about-iraq-war-body-language-expert-weighs-his-helicopter-1808334  

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.