Instead of "I'm Sorry For Your Loss"
What to say when you can't find the "right" words to talk to someone who is experiencing tough times like health issues, job disruption or loss Oftentimes, people don't show up during
tough times simply because they feel like they don't have the
"right" words.
Here are suggestions about how to respond to friends when they are grieving or going through a hard time and need some extra support.
I suggest that you listen to the voice and watch the body
language of the person who you wish to speak to and see and note where they are
emotional. Be fully present with them focusing on their discomfort instead of
your own. Take the focus off you. Take the focus off your discomfort or prospect
of embarrassment if you say the wrong thing. Being present and connected is a gift
since people often avoid those going through loss and struggle.
You want to know whether they want to go deep or if they pull back.
Make full complete eye contact, breath with them. If can be authentic
match their posture so you can chemically for a moment feel what they are
feeling.
You know that when you match and mirror body language with
someone authentically you can create the same chemicals they are. This is what
creates empathy. Don’t be afraid to feel a small bit of sadness or pain briefly with
them. That’ a gift you can give them.
It's important to know that when someone is laid bare in grief, they
can read you your nonverbal cues more acutely. They know if you are open and
willing to be with them and listen to them and if they can share their truth. They
will shut down or pull back or have to work to make you feel comfortable if you
a plastic, and only go to the surface or you show more discomfort than they do.
So be careful not to give them pat statements like, “I am sorry for your loss.”
You can say that but use different unscripted words.
You can ask how the loss is affecting you. Be prepared they may
go deep “I have lost my partner and my best friend, and it hurts so much.”
You can say you can share your deep pain with me, it's safe to
tell me how you are really feeling. You can say, “I have the time and want to
spend the time with you to sit with you, to be with you, to talk on the phone with
you. You can say, “I know the pain is big.” Or “I know it’s a deep aching pain.
They
may say, “Thank you for asking and standing in my grief with me for a moment.”
“My pain is so big, thank you for being in sorrow with me.”
You can just ask to sit in silence with them and or give them
a long hug.
You can share memories of their situation and how hard you know
it is and memories of they lost. You can say, “I remember how you and
Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went to the beach. I will miss
hearing his voice joining with yours.”
Rather than say, “Call me anytime if you want to talk. “You can
share three things you want to do for them and ask them of those three what
would be the most beneficial now. “I can call you every day this week at 4:00
to check-in, or I can stop by Thursday for a short 10-minute visit.” Or I can
drop off dinner one night you chose this week.” "Which of those would be the
best for you?'
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
