What to say
when your feel your partner is ignoring you. By Patti Wood
I am an
expert in nonverbal communication and suggest that you examine specific
concrete behaviors to test if you are truly being ignored and request your
partner change their behavior. If your feeling ignored, it works best to say
something as soon as you see a pattern of behavior. Waiting The closer the
conversation is to the behavior the more likely it is to change and if you wait
you may end up with a long list of pent-up frustrations and your partner may be
upset and or defensive because you waited. Think of specific behaviors such as their time on
the phone and texting with you has changed? What’s a specific thing they do? Do
they seem anxious to end phone conversations right away by rushing or sighing?
Do they not ask you questions when you share a story? Have they
stopped saying anything supportive like, "that sounds great or that sounds
bad?" Or have they stopped showing respectful facial expressions. Do they
roll their eyes and or sigh?
I wrote a guideline so
you can even write out what you want to say I call the ERASER method of changing
behavior.
You begin by
examining your partner's behavior. Is there a pattern to it? Look at it as a
journalist would a news story. Stand away, look objectively, and ask yourself,
``What is the behavior?'' ``When does the behavior occur?'' ``Where does the
behavior occur?'' and ``How often does the behavior occur?''
Exact Express
your concerns in exact terms. Don't
use generalizations like, ``Every time you...'' or ``You never...'' or ``You
always...'' Also, don't guess at or express an opinion as to why they do what
they do. For example, ``If you weren't so busy with , you would...''
Below are some examples of
constructive ways to word your concerns:
``Five time in the
past three weeks, you have been at least an hour late home.''
“The last three weeks when I start to share
something about my day, you take out your phone, look away.”
“The last three
weeks when I have sent you a loving text you have not responded.”
Sometimes you may ask for
a response back from the person such as ``Is that accurate?''
STEP E Be Exact: Describe the ignoring behavior
on paper, then answer the ``W'' questions noted above regarding the behavior.
Result After
you've described the behavior, the partner may still not understand why they
should change their behavior. You may need to give them a result, i.e., tell them what happens as a result of the behavior.
Examples:
``When you say you’re
going to be home at 7 and you’re an hour late, I end up waiting to eat, sometimes
the dinner is ruined and sometimes, after planning shopping and cooking I eat
alone.
STEP R Know
the result. As yourself, ``What is the concrete result of the offending
behavior?''
Aware There are times
when it's obvious from the steam escaping from your ears that your partner
behavior is upsetting to you. Sometimes it is not so obvious. Clue them in.
Notice what emotion their behavior arouses in you and communicate it to them.
Examples:
``When you are
late, I feel anxious, worry and feel alone.”
Notice these statements
are worded carefully. Absent are statements like, ``You made me angry.'' By
using an ``I'' statement, you avoid arguments. No one can argue with an ``I''
statement. It's pretty difficult for someone to tell you how you do or don't
feel about something. Your feelings are your feelings. There are times when
this step is very significant.
STEP A Create
awareness. When appropriate, state how you feel in response to their behavior.
Switch If
you've ever tried to stop a habit, you know how difficult it can be. Something
that can make it easier is to replace the old, negative habit with a new,
positive habit. This technique makes a return to the old habit less likely. So,
why not help the offending person out by giving them a new, less offensive
behavior to switch to. Suggest an alternative behavior that would work for you
and for them!
Examples:
``I would like to know
you are coming home on dinner together at least three times a week for the next
three weeks.”
STEP S Switch
the behavior. Suggest and recommend the behavior you would like to see
occurring in place of the current offensive behavior.
Evidence If
you're concerned that the person may backslide into an old behavior, or it is
critical that they do something a certain way, you may wish to add an evidence step to your script. Outline
what will happen or stop happening as a result of the behavior modification.
Support it with an expressed agreement as to what the change will look like.
Remember,
you may want to open up some dialogue here and ask them what the evidence would
look like.
STEP E Evidence—establish and agree on the behavior
change.
Reward Think
about what motivates your partner. Would
it be helpful to give them a specific reward
if they erase the old behavior and switch to a new one and pay more attention
to you?
STEP R Reward good behavior.
After you've finished your
script, look it over and make sure all the necessary steps are included. Edit
out any generalizations or ambiguous terms like ``good'' or ``bad.'' When you
talk to them it may help to preamble your conversation by telling them you are
practicing a new method of communicating and solving problems. Then, do the
most important part—deliver the communication! No communication—No result. Go
for it and good luck!
