Spotting a Selfish Guy, How to Deal with a Selfish Boyfriend, Dangers of a Selfish Boy Friend

How to Spot A Selfish Guy

My new boyfriend seemed a perfect southern gentleman, but as I went to drive out of his condo parking garage for the first time, he did some things that waved red flags that he wasn't perfect. He said, "Let me get in the driver's seat and drive you out of the parking garage so I can use my pass, and you don't have to pay." "They have cameras so that they will see me, I can use my pass, and you won't get in trouble," Nice? No. He wanted to break a rule, and that's a red flat. I told him I preferred paying, but he insisted. He tried to break a rule, and that's a red flag. Then it got weirder. I told him no that I preferred to pay. But he took my car keys and got in my car to drive. Another red flag.

I set a boundary, saying I wanted to pay, and he broke it. I again said I preferred to drive out myself and showed my discomfort, blinking my eyes, grimacing, and pulling my body away from him. He did it anyway. Even worse, I could see him smile and get this pump of energy from cheating. A huge red flag that he would ignore my needs and get pleasure from breaking rules and my boundaries. A selfish person lacks consideration for others. They are concerned first and foremost with their own needs. To spot them early on is to see if they break boundaries, rules, and laws for their advantage

A friend was being sued, and she was scared. She had done nothing wrong, but she was a tiny goliath going up a big corporate giant. She was a successful and confident person and had never needed advice from her boyfriend, but in this instance, because he had several companies and had fought more than one lawsuit, she asked for his advice and shared that she was distraught and wasn't sleeping. He brushed off her needs, saying it wasn't a big deal. It happens all the time. His bright red flags were waving. And she said she saw them and thought it was a sign she was too needy. AGGGGH. If you are dating someone that doesn't acknowledge your pain nor gives comfort, be wary.  

 How to deal with a selfish boyfriend if you choose to stay with him. 

Have conversations about your needs and concerns. People can change and grow, but it takes work from both members of the couple.

 Pick one thing they have done and how it affected you, and ask them how they might act differently next time, or ask how you would like them to behave next time.

 For example, "You went by the store on the way over and got snacks for yourself and didn't think to get anything for me." "Next time you go to the store on the way over, what could you do differently to show you think of and care for me?"

Or "Typically, when someone visits for the weekend, they bring a hostess gift, food or wine or offer to help with fixing meals or take the host out to show they care." "This is the third time you have stayed with me over the weekend, and again I bought all our food, fixed it, set the table, and cleaned up, and you didn't even say thank you."The next time you come to stay with me for the weekend, what could you do to show you care for and value me?"

And though it seems very simple, ask them to do things for you and others at the moment and see if they can grow into a more caring and empathetic partner. For example, "It would make me so happy if you could clear the table." "Hey, can you run the vacuum real quick in the living room before our friends get here while I fix the food?" "Hey, it would make me feel so loved if you could get up and hug me when I come through the door at night, even if you are watching something good." "Can you do that for me?"

See if they can learn to think about and do for others. So, for example, if they go to the Gym every day after work before seeing you, you have to wait and eat very late. Have a conversation with them expressing your lack of comfort eating late every night and see if you can negotiate a change. For example, ask if on Fridays they can change their workout to start your dates earlier. It's a simple and reasonable request; if he isn't open to any negotiation, that is a red flag.

When you watch tv shows and films together, have him guess the character's feelings. You can make it a game, but it is also a way of teaching someone to read verbal and nonverbal cues and empathize with others. You can even ask him what he would do or say to help or comfort characters in distress.

There are so many adverse effects of dating a selfish partner: If they lack empathy, they may ignore you when you are sick. They may even act out and get mad if you are ill or in pain and can't serve their needs. For example, if they are sick with a cold, they expect to be cared for and comforted, but if you have a cold and are too ill to fix it, dinner and they may get irritated with you.

Another issue is a lack of predictability in their emotions and actions. You may find yourself trying to predict their behavior and prevent them from acting out, for example, fixing their favorite snacks they expect you to have ready when they watch a football game to prevent them from getting upset. Or having sex with them when you don't want to so they don't get upset.

You might go out to dinner and have a great time, but they may act out with you and others when they don't get their way. Think of an angry boyfriend who doesn't get the customer service he expects and acts out and yells.

Look for red flags and decide if you want to leave or stay, work on the relationship, and see if they are willing to think of you.

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.