How to Write a Condolence Message, Letter or Card. How to Offer Your Condolence. By Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood

 I am a body language and human behavior expert. I speak on body language and dealing with grief loss and trauma. My primary audience for those programs is social workers, counselors, therapists, law enforcement, and groups and camps that deal with grieving children. I have had Parkland students in my audience and parents who have lost their children in a school shooting. My work on this started when I lost my father during my last week of college. Few knew what to say or do, so they did nothing. It seems even more remarkable that my professors in the College of Communication did nothing. My college student friends in the weeks after my father died not only didn't send a card, they avoided me, even walking on the other side of the street when they saw me on campus. I understood. They were young like me and didn't know how to deal with my grief. They knew how to give a great speech, but no one had taught them how to deal with grief and loss and write to me. 

When sending condolence messages, what should people keep in mind?

Your task is to comfort the grieving. People who are grieving can feel alone and isolated and communicating with them can help them feel heard, seen, and supported.  Don't let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from communicating. Send a message as soon as you can, but if time has passed don't be afraid of sending a message later. If there is a service, you can even bring the card with you. Don't discount the loss, by saying it was better they went quickly, and don't say it will get easier, or say it was for the best. All those comments are dismissive and can be hurtful. When someone is laid bare in grief, they look for and value sincere messages rather than platitudes. 

1. Acknowledge the loss.

     Say the name of the deceased. That can be comforting. 

2.  Express sympathy, 

     You can say, "I am sorry."  "I am sorry for your loss" "I'm sorry it's a terrible loss." "I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Marion." "I know losing Frank is a terrible loss, and I am so sorry."

     3. Personalize your message.  

          Share a memory of the lost loved one.

"I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went on trips, and I will miss hearing his voice joining with yours." 

"I remember Tom teaching me to sauté spinach with garlic at the stove in your kitchen." "He loved being in the kitchen with family and friends, and I will miss him."

If you have never met the person they lost, you can share a story that they may have shared about them.

"Though I didn't get to meet your sister, I remember the many stories you shared about your trips together to the beach and her love of seashells."

"You shared with me the wonderful times you had with Steve while building your house and how he always had the right tool and good plan."

"I remember you showed me a photo of your daughter and her big smile as she leaned in close to you." 

  4.    Remind the bereaved of their strengths and caring.

         "You took such good care of Lyn through his long illness, with all those

        Nights in the ER." "You have shown such strength and courage." "I know

       This loss is huge, and I know you are a strong person."

 

 5. Offer help, but make it specific and concrete.

      Rather than say, "Call me anytime if you want to talk," say I would love to talk

      to you when you are ready." "I will text you this week and see if it's a good

      time to talk." Or "I will call later this week; you don't have to pick up the phone

      if you don't want to."

      You can share three things you want to do for them and ask them which of  

      those three would be the most beneficial now. For example, "I can call

      you every day this week at 4:00 to check in, or I can stop by Thursday for a

      short 10-minute visit." Or "I can drop off dinner one night next week for you."

      "Which of those would be the best for you?" "You can ask them if they have a

      Caring Bridge set up or a dinner delivery plan set up so you can join it.

      If you are close, open, and willing to be with them and listen to them, and if they can share their truth, you can say, "You can share your deep pain with me. It's safe to tell me how you are feeling."

     You can say, "I want to spend time with you, to sit with you, to be with you, to talk on the phone with you. So let's find a time that's good for you."

6. End with something hopeful and or personal.

   "I am thinking of you in this time of loss." "You are in my thoughts as you go through this loss." "I am here whenever you need me." "I will continue to pray for you and your family."

 Does the medium matter? Is it okay to send a text message to a friend rather than A card in the mail? When in doubt, use all mediums. This morning I sent a text to a friend who lost her sister two days ago. Yesterday I messaged her on Facebook since that is how she shared the loss, and we set up a call via text to talk next week on the phone. Choose the medium through which THEY like to communicate.

Continue to connect.

If you don't have a close relationship, it's okay to send a card and let that be it. If it's a close friend, don't write a condolence card and say to yourself, "Well, I've taken care of that." If you can and are able, check in a week later and say you are thinking about them. Check-in on the anniversary of the loss in a year. Don't be afraid to bring up the lost one's name or trigger the bereaved person's grief. If the person had a healthy relationship with the person they lost, they love hearing the lost one's name, sharing memories, or knowing you still think of their grief and continue to think of the lost loved one.

Sending a message also helps when someone you know is dealing with a loved one with a long-term debilitating illness. When I was in graduate school, my boyfriend at the time was shot in a hunting accident. He survived, but it was touch and go and a long recovery, including painfully learning to walk again. No one wrote to me. My friends and colleagues didn't talk to me about him at all. I know now that they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing.

• If you are unsure of the RIGHT thing to do, you can even say, "I don't know the best thing to say or do, but I care, and I am here for you; please forgive me if I say or do something wrong." Again, your caring makes a difference.

Again a reminder to keep reaching out

Grief can continue for months or even years. So check in as time passes.

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What is the Number ONE Thing To Do As a Speaker? What is the Most Important Thing to Do When Speaking to an Audience. Professional Speaker Patti Wood

Connect With the Audience

 

Your job is to connect with the audience so they will listen, remember and do something positive with the information you give them. You have to deliver your presentation in a way that will captivate your audience. You're not doing your job if you don't have a connection and merely stand or sit in front of your audience, reading your slides or notes. Your ultimate mission, if you accept it, is to connect with your audience. That means you must stay focused on the audience, be aware of their body language, adapt to their needs, and keep them with you.

This is the single most important thing to remember as a speaker. Sometimes you get so caught up in the momentum of the presentation you forget it, but if you're pouring information on the audience and they have their umbrellas up, it does not matter how much your pour or even how great the data is. They won't get it. You may think they are like this with everybody, or only a few people are bored. Each presenter sets the standard and the behavior of their audience. You are responsible for getting your audience to pay attention. So do it. Be radical if you have to. Run around the room, move your arms and hands, change your voice, sit down on a high stool, wave a white flag of surrender, and ask your audience what you can do to help them get this information. Don't attack them. Take responsibility. It's your speech. Get 'em Tiger!

One of the ways I connect with my audience is to be waiting by the door of the speaking room and greet and shake hands with each of them as they enter to the room. In this way, I have a rapport with them. Since I am an expert in nonverbal communication, I also am able to read their body language and see if they are having a bad day or seem uninterested in being there. I can try to shift them to a more accepting and open energy.

  It's About Them

But you say. I am the one that did all the work. I am the one that that stayed up late and spent hours putting together all the numbers. Why shouldn't I think it's about me? Because it's really about them. From the first moment you put pen to paper or fingers to keys, your whole focus is to create and deliver a speech for your audience. Connected to their needs, their interests are delivered with a style and energy to suit and captivate them. We sometimes give our speeches as if our audience was our first date with someone. We worry about how we will look, agonizing over clothing decisions and getting our hair just right. We worry about what we will say, create the perfect setting, and try to sound really smart. But we forget we are doing this all to make a connection with our date. The focus should be on that. So find out about your audience and what they like. Have a 'Conversation" with them that flows back and forth. Make significant eye- contact, and they may want to go out with you again.

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.