Loneliness and Body Language

Loneliness and Isolation. Five years ago I started a post with the words, "I am lonely today." Have you felt that way recently? As I work on the techno impressions chapter for my new first impressions book I reread what I said about the cost of loneliness. Isolation and lack of community are so much a part of our fast paced lives. Life can be rich and meaningful. It seems amazing to me that I could have ever felt lonely even when I had so many people in my life that I loved. The original post was lost on this blog when I switched host providers so here it is again.


I am lonely today. I got up and got on my computer like so many people hoping to download emails from friends. Sure enough there were emails from friends meeting me tonight for dinner and comedy improv competition and other friends that want to meet for dinner and movie tomorrow night and one from a girlfriend who was just checking in. But I am still lonely. I am sitting at my computer in my big old four bedroom two story house, all by myself. Well there is Bo, the wonder dog, curled up at my feet, but I am so lonely I am resisting the urge to belt out the old 70’s song ALL BY MYSELF. That’s lonely. I don’t think that we were meant to be so lonely and isolated.

We spend so much time working to get the big old car and house and live in suburbs where we can’t hear our neighbors and have to drive to get anywhere…we co-exist rather than live in community. Richard Schwartz, a psychiatrist who co-authored the book, "Overcoming Loneliness in Everyday Life," with his wife, Jacqueline Olds, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School says, "Our notion of success is being able to purchase what you need and not be obligated to anyone,'' I Want to be obligated to people. I have that with my wonderful friends. I want someone to expect things of me. I want someone to expect me to be there when they call, to love hearing their voice, to enjoy seeing their smile, to think that there company is a delight. I want someone to miss me when they have not seen me in a while. I want intimacy.

Last week I missed my Thursday night discussion group and they called me from the restaurant to find out where I was. That felt so good. It is strangely comforting to be missed. Yet I think we may fear the opposite in our romantic relationship. We may fear becoming so close to someone that we will miss them when they are not there. That is my fear. Or if we allow them to get close to us they will expect things from us that we don’t want to give. Something that is not a problem for me but I know is from experiences with others. And both those fears keep us lonely.

Now you may have read my article about my falling down the stairs weight loss adventure and think, hey you say you are getting hit on all the time, what is with the loneliness? You don’t think I actually follow through with any of those grocery store and parking lot flirting do you? No I just avert my gaze, look down and smile tensely. Romantic Relationships are scary. And even when we are in one, fear can make people in them get very close and then fear that intimacy. Now you may be wondering what any of this has to do with nonverbal communication. Everything. Because when we are scared we respond with our primal Freeze Flight Fight instinctual brain. Our neocortex with all its beautiful language is not accessed. So we stop talking and use nonverbal actions to communicate. We may communicate with silence, distancing and time. I have experienced the rubber band stretch that Mars and Venus relationship Guru John Grey talks about. Romances where the man gets very close then gets scared and stretches out and away like a rubber band then snaps back again and in again and out again. I have wanted to say “It will be OK, we can help each other through our fears.” But fear stops us and we stay silent.

Here is research on the topic.

One of the most fascinating revelations of the last decade is that emotions change the cells in our body. Just as exercise can change your molecular pathways so can emotion. Anger, stress and loneliness are signals for “starvation” and chronic danger. Research shows that lying on the coach watching TV melts our muscles not just because we aren’t jogging but because it isolates us. And positive emotions that come from loving other, building friendships and community actually trigger process in our body that help us build our bodies. Loneliness “melts” our bodies as surely as sedentary living. Optimism, love and community trigger the process of growth, building our bodies, hearts and minds. I am ready to do some growing.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://pattiwood.net/. Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Face to Face Conversations,The Benefit of Meaningful Conversations.

Last night our "Meeting of the Minds" discussion group talked about quite a few interesting topics. Among them the blog on the leak of the BP oil pipe and the candidates for the next Georgia election. Well, actually the lack of quality candidates. We always bring questions to ask the group. Last night, one members' questions were, "How do you express your anger" and "Do you think it is healthy for you and your relationships?"
After reading an interesting article about Sean Penn living in a pup tent in Haiti with only one change of clothes, I asked the group, "When, if ever, have you lived with very little in terms of possessions?" "How did you feel?"
I blogged the other day about the new research on the benefits of meaningful conversations and I certainly experienced that benefit last night.



Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://www.PattiWood.net Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert

A Reson to Have Meaningful Conversations,

On Thursday nights I meet with a group of friends to have lively and meaningful conversation. We call our group The Meeting of the Minds. Stimulating conversation may actually help you feel better according to new research In Psychological Science.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=skip-the-small-talk
The research found that the happiest subjects spent 70 percent more time talking than the unhappiest ones. Though even the researchers aren't sure whether happier people talk more or the talking makes people happy.
I have tons of posts here on the importance of face to face interaction. I am really pleased to see research on this.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional The Body Language Expert Web- http://www.PattiWood.netI have a new quiz on my YouTubestation. Check it out!YouTube- YouTube - bodylanguageexpert's Channel

Making Facial Expressions, Do Some of Us Have an Advantage?

The other day I went to an estate sale. A few minutes after entering the house I asked the woman running the sale the price of a Christmas ornament and she smiled and said, "You walked into the house with the biggest smile I have ever seen then you actually smiled more as you started looking at things. You brought all this positive energy into the house. Can you come back tomorrow?" I know it sounds weird, but I have had these wierd kinds of comment made all my life. I seem to have a big ole' Bozo the clown smile. I mean it is really big. If you are not old enough to remember Bozo, picture the Joker in Bat Man only happy and not quite as much lipstick. Well maybe more lipstick in my case, but a more flattering color. I have always wondered about my unusually large and expressive smile. My mother swears I came out of the womb smiling. I certainly had the smile as a child. I remember there where ads for the secrets for building big arm muscles in the back of comic books when I was a kid. Aimed at scrawny boys, the ads promised you could build the muscles of a brawny body builder if you only sent them some money. What if only certain people had lots of muscles to build and others, the scrawnies, had fewer muscles in the first place? Perhaps we would not have a level playing field no matter how we worked on building the few muscles we had.

Well, as far as the muscles that control facial expressions, this lack of level playing field has been proven. New research by Dr Bridget Waller a scientist at the University of Portsmouth has found that not everyone has all the muscles that can control our facial expression. Some of us have more and some of us have less--in some cases as little as 60% of the muscles needed. Think of how having more or fewer facial expression forming muscles in your face could affect your ability to interact less or more effectively with others; to bond less or more with people.

In her study published in the American Psychological Association journal, Dr. Wallers discusses the first systematic study on cadavers to discover the variations of musculature structure in the face as they control facial expressions. It appears that the face is the only part of the body to have this unique set of differences. I have read the study and I am stunned. It seems that these variations in allotment of muscles cause some people to have a unique facial signature--in my case, a bozo like smile. People without certain muscles can compensate for their lack using other muscles, but it may involve extra effort. What if the phenomena of personality type differences such as introversion and extroversion was affected by having more or less of the facial muscles required to make facial expressions? I know research says that task-orientated individuals especially those in the "Get it Right" DISC personality type of my "techie" audiences can't understand while the "touchy feelies" in the "Get Along" "Get Appreciated" categories smile so much or show so much emotion. In the same vein the "touchie feelies" can't understand why the "techies" don't show any noticeable positive emotions. To which the techies reply, "I am not going to give a fake smile." Could it seem forced and fake to them because it takes more effort? Hummm, that could be interesting research. What do you think? Oh, one more interesting tid bit. The only other part of the body where they have seen differences in muscles between people: the forearm. I always knew Popeye wasn't really eating all the spinach.

Here is a link to the study. And below that some of the findings.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090211161852.htm
Dr Waller is from the Centre for the Study of Emotion in the Department of Psychology. She collaborated with anatomists at the University of Pittsburgh and Duquesne University in the USA.
They found that all humans have a core set of five facial muscles which they believe control our ability to produce a set of standard expressions which convey anger, happiness, surprise, fear, sadness and disgust. But there are up to nineteen muscles which may be present in the face and many people do not possess all of them. for example, The Risorius muscle, which experts believe controls our ability to create an expression of extreme fear, is found in only two thirds of the population.

Dr Waller said: “Everyone communicates using a set of common signals and so we would expect to find that the muscles do not vary among individuals. The results are surprising - in some individuals we found only 60 per cent of the available muscles.”
She said that everyone is able to produce the same basic facial expressions and movements but we also have individual variations.
“Some less common facial expressions may be unique to certain people,” she said. “The ability to produce subtly different variants of facial expressions may allow us to develop individual ‘signatures’ that are specific to certain individuals.”
She said that there are significant implications for the importance of facial expression in society.
“Facial expression serves an essential function in society and may be a form of social bonding,” Dr Waller said. “It allows us to synchronise our behaviour and understand each other better.”
Dr Waller has completed studies which examined facial expressions in apes. She said that primates who live within social groups have a more elaborate communication repertoire including more complex facial expressions.
“There is a theory that language evolved to help us bond us together in social groups and we may be able to apply the same theory to facial expressions,” she said.
The face is the only part of the human anatomy which has been found to display such a massive variation in muscle structure. In the only other example of muscular differences, the forearm has a muscle which approximately fifteen per cent of the population don’t have.
Dr Anne Burrows from Duquesne University was one of the anatomists on the study. She said: “The problems with quantifying facial musculature is that they're not like other muscles. They're fairly flat, difficult to separate from surrounding connective tissue and they all attach to one another. They are very unlike muscles of the limbs, for example.
“The variation we see in the face is absolutely unique,” said Dr Waller.
Dr Waller said that actors need not worry because people will compensate for a lack of one muscle by using another to develop a similar expression. And people can learn to develop a facial expression by practising in front of a mirror.
“As humans we are able to change the level of control we have over our facial expressions,” said Dr Waller. “There is a great deal of asymmetry in the face and the left side is generally more expressive than the right. But someone who is unable to raise one eyebrow without raising the other could in fact learn to raise just one.”
The implication for those actors who have had botox speaks for itself.
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Adapted from materials provided by University of Portsmouth, via AlphaGalileo

Y generation and the next gen recommendations

I was asked by career builder .com to give a real world comment on having a boss that is younger than you.

When your boss is younger than you, don’t say your favorite song is, “I Want You.” By Peter Frampton, or say you use to play his live album on your record player.
You will be met with a blank stare that tells your past is now part of the twilight zone of “old people talk.”

Former Boss on consulting project who was 22 and I was 46

Gen Y folks are disengaged. Do you agree?
There’s another e-word besides the economy that’s still the talk of Corporate America: engagement. As in the lack of, according to a recent study by BlessingWhite. Over 7500 respondents report that 25% of Gen Y folks in North America are disengaged. Good news: we beat China (33%), Southeast Asia (35%) and the UK with Ireland (at 30%). Why do you care? Because even in this economy, Gen Y’s will bolt when they are bored and organizations will pay to reduce turnover. Good news for generational experts who come up with internal strategies to plug into Gen Y’s passion.
I was asked by a media source for tips for things the upcoming generation needs to pay attention to and work on as they enter the workforce. I actually got a bit cynical in this piece so forgive me.

Having taught at the university level for many years I think young adults need to
1. Understand the basics of financial planning, saving, credit card debt protection and just organizing their lives for the future.
2. Use your great energy and enthusiasm to build your relationships and career. Don’t waste it being a complainer standing on soap box ranting. Instead of tearing down move to action, make changes and create the work life and personal life you want.
3. Relationship and job success don’t come easily. When you make a mistake apologize and don’t do it again. When someone else makes a mistake forgive them and make it easy for them to change. Don’t end a relationship because of one mistake.
4. Learn to speak comfortably in face to face conversation. Human interaction requires and understanding of body language cues to read others and that you give out cues and show your positive and negative emotions. Read a good body language book, (Success Signals by Patti Wood)model the body language of good hearted people that you admire. Go online and study the proper etiquette for eating, parties, and gift giving then memorize them and use them.

5. Understand and be comfortable with conflict. Know how to have a productive though difficult conversation. Realize it is inappropriate to email or text a criticism or slam and it beyond rude to end a relationship, business or personal via text, email or voice mail or on a phone call. If you have done so in the past, let it go and don’t ever do it again. “Everybody else does it.” is not a good excuse.
6. Understand that you can’t fast forward, hit the mute button, or hit save on a relationship. Real people need human interaction and nurturing and are not easily replaced just by hitting delete and
adding someone else to your face book.
7. Be respectful of your elders. That, “old foggy” in tech support may not know all you know about technology, but he or she may know a lot about life. Respect them, rather than treat them with condescension.
8. Keep up to date with where the business world is going and keep your skills current and be above be flexible. That is something my generation is having a hard time with. I know we may learn a lot about it from you.
Patti Wood, MA, CSPThe Body Language Expert