I am a Body Language and Human Behavior Expert Author, Keynote speaker, and Relationship Coach.
Sometimes we bristle at our Partner's Touch. Freeze in place, pull away, or get angry. Our central nervous system responds to the touch that indicated our partner wants to have sex and we don't so we go into a freeze-flight fight response. There are many reasons this can occur. You can just plain not want to have sex at that moment, whether you are too tired or have too much to do, you just want to Netflix and not "chill." Perhaps at that moment, you are not attracted to your partner, You can just plain you may currently be mad at your partner or have briefly or more profoundly not be attracted. It could feel the uncaring, or low effort to seduction to easy touch from your partner and even trigger PSTD if you have been assaulted because it suddenly feels to you if it's uncaring.
What is happening in your body that may cause bristling?
We are wired to associate certain nonverbal cues of flirting, connection, and seduction preclude intercourse. Desire starts with sensory input and or cognitive processes. - Excitement ensues, increasing activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. - Orgasm involves a peak activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system.
If you are in a relationship with a partner,
you could have repeated those cues over and over again one leading to the next
leading to intercourse. Sometimes shorting the rituals can still lead to sexual
arousal in a Pavlov dog, salivating to a bell-type response, but sometimes they
don’t. Your partner could begin to have his or her own Pavlov response such as,
“Hey every time I touched the back of your hand before it lead to sex so if I
do it tonight I will get sex, forgetting that there were rituals that occurred
before and after that that actually led to a natural mutual arousal state.
So, there you are on the couch, your partner
touches you on the top of your hand and you bristle. And you think,” I am not a
dog!” If you are no longer attracted to your partner, if don’t want to have
sex, if you need more than this cue to feel aroused, but you know this is all
you going to get and it’s not enough, and or if you are not getting connection
and seduction cues unless your partner wants sex so you feel like a sex doll,
this can be an issue.
As a body language expert, I can speak to the
connection and seduction issue. Often the main reason you are bristling is that
you or you and your partner may over time have stopped doing the full
connection, seduction rituals that naturally lead to connection and arousal.
You both may have shortened the acts before sex down to one cue, which could be
a time saver, and is obviously an effort and energy saver for busy couples but
our souls and our bodies may not be happy with that. So, what are those rituals?
You may have stopped doing connection rituals
can include long intimate conversations, time one on one over a long dinner,
being fully present to each other, making eye contact when your partner is
talking, or sitting or doing an activity together while talking or not talking
without any media or people distractions.
You may have stopped doing seduction rituals,
especially seduction rituals in order, lingering rather than rushing through them. ring. For example, you may have stopped “touching
seduction” that goes from light brief non-intimate touch to long non-intimate
touch (say the lower arm), to brief semi-immediate touch to long semi-intimate
touch (say from touching to resting your hand on the top of the leg) to brief
intimate touch to long intimate touch (say brief lip kiss to long French kiss
or touching the chest to rubbing the chest.
If you want to be with your partner and have
connection and sex would recommend that you are your partner both on your own
and together think about what you used to do that worked to connect and arouse
you and read about different ways couples can connect and seduce each other. I
would recommend you consult books on tantric sex that include rituals like
tantric breathing in which both partners can orgasm without intercourse. Then and
make a long list of what you would like that would make you feel loved and
aroused. This is not an I saw it in a porn video list, this is a love and
seduction list. Then create an agreement
of what would work.
