Trump's Body Language, Hugging and Hugs Denied and the Meaning of the Man Hug

When does a hug become performative, or a power play? (i.e. the Comey handshake) There is a man hug ( see excerpt from my book SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma below. That is a sign of affection. This is not a man hug. Trump patted him ever so briefly broke the handshake (the man hug extends it and the hand on the back or shoulder brings the person in close and it lingers) and whispered to him so Comey had to bend down to Trump. Trump broke the handshake with the pat making the he pat was an power play, a top down admonishment.

- Why would Trump go in for an unwanted hug even when the spotlight's not on him? Some huggers where raised to be huggers based on their culture and or their family. Some huggers are expression their personality by always hugging.  Some  people who are huggers don’t feel connected or that they have fully expressed themselves  until they hug. Their hug is part of their identity, and may even create for them a unique moment or marker in their interactions.  I study and teach body language and personality assessment. The extroverted huggers in my audiences over the years say, “I am a hugger!” “If someone doesn’t want to hug, I make them!” I think it may feel like a win to some huggers, while others feel like they are able to give their affection in hug and set the tone. Some report, she didn’t want that hug, but then she gave in!” It’s a very interesting mixture of power and warmth. Remember Trump refused to shake hands for years. Look at the old news stories on his anti handshake days. Back then he gained power by not shaking hands as a handshake is an agreement to start the interaction unarmed.

What's the meaning of a hug denied, from the rejected hugger's point of view? Thinking of the instance at NATO when Macron seems to deny Trump's open arms. This instance is interesting for several reasons. As you watch Macron is seen walking on the far left towards Trump, then he veers over to shake hands with her. Some have shared that it was women first etiquette, but he veered so far left it looks like purposeful game of “fake you out!”, meant to unsettle Trump the way he tried to unsettle Macron with that, “I am not letting go” handshake on Macron’s visit to the us.  It’s a snub and we see a mircrofacial cue of anger by Trump in response, his lips press together and his eyes narrow tightly and his check and chin muscles tighten

- In your opinion, do you think these hugs are purely about power, or might he genuinely crave physical connection.   It varies, from person to person and it can also serve both functions for some people. 

.” I first noticed the man hug being exchanged by the male athletes in my communication classes at Auburn University. The young men would see a fellow athlete in the hallway or on the campus green and want to give a hug of warmth and friendship, but they were out in public view. People were watching. So they would give a combination handshake-hug. In the handshake-hug, the men first stick out one hand for a handshake and then, with their right hands locked in the handshake (to keep the two participants from getting too close), each wraps his left arm around the other’s shoulder and hugs. The two men hug with only their upper bodies touching and their lower torsos held out and away. Finally, to insure that no one can misconstrue this partial hug as a sissy move, each takes the hand that he briefly held against the other’s back and pounds hard three or four times.

In fact, you could tell if the men were close buddies. They would strike each other harder, just to show how much they cared! Men showing affection through hitting says, “I love you, guy, but not that way.” Unlike the traditional hug, which symbolically and effectively brings people into the intimate zone of space, removes barriers, and unites the two persons embracing, this pounding hug brings only the upper torso into intimate proximity of less than 14 inches. The two extended right arms block any symbolic joining of the two bodies. The aggressive act of striking the back insures that each man knows the other is still a testosterone-rich, card-carrying member of the “man club.”

The man hug, or pound hug, is exclusively performed between two males. It also goes by other names, including “pound shake, dude hug, shug, or the bro hug. It’s a greeting or parting ritual that demonstrates a certain level of intimacy typically reserved for close friends and family.

While the different names for the man hug have entered the lexicon, the meaning of the hug has expanded to cover other things as well. Men can now “hug it out” in other circumstances. First heard by the masses in an episode of Friends on TV, the phrase hug it out means that one person gives another (usually a male) a pound hug to help the man get through a difficult or sad situation. Instead of being a spontaneous show of affection, this hug is preceded by a request for permission before it is given. So the exchange sounds something like this:

Person 1: “Man, my girlfriend just dumped me.”

Person 2: “Do you wanna hug it out?”

In an episode of Entourage, two of the guys were in a screaming argument on an elevator. Once the doors opened and they were in public view, one guy turned to the other and said, “Wanna hug it out?” In this use, the pound hug, preceded by the phrase “Wanna hug it out” means: “Hey, we were arguing, but now that we are in public, let’s show we are friends for now. Then we can continue this later in private.” The phrase “Lets hug it out, @#$#,” means “Let’s be friends again” after an argument, or when one man feels he has insulted another.

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Are the Presidential Candidates Bullies?

Are the Presidential Candidates Bullies?

Patti Wood MA, CSP

Body Language Expert

Are the Presidential Candidates Bullies? Do you see verbal and body language bulling in the presidential debates and the race? Bullying is defined as making threats, rumors or attacking someone physically or verbally.  If we laugh, clap and repeat with humor when someone is making bulling remarks I think we are condoning bullying.

The candidates have bullied each other and in this article I will list specific things that they do.  Listen to and watch the candidates and imagine a child on the playground saying those things to your five year old. How would you feel? How would you feel if someone said those things about you? Watch the debates with your children and have them count and point out the attacks and jabs.  Stop the recording and talk about what you have seen and ask them their feeling and state yours!

Donald Trump - We see him punctuating almost every sentence with a strong gesture. His attacking, bulling gestures include, finger points that look like stabbing, chops that look like axing and arm sweeps that look like sword moves. In debates he slices, dices and chops the other candidates to pieces.  His weapon like gestures, combined with his growls, scowls and grimaces and loud yelling make him a fearsome bully. This combined with big head and jaw and height and dare I say it, big hands unfortunately make him look like the biggest bully on the playground and unfortunately make him look like the most powerful candidate. He looks like, at least to our primate limbic brains, the aggressive alpha male candidate. A little extra bulling power comes from his normally low, growly voice.  In the analysis of the Debates from the past hundred years the candidate with the lowest voice won. Lower tones in the voice are formed by a larger larynx. Trump is the lion roaring and that sound is scarier and wins over a “nice” candidate. If he’s on the screen, and we’re looking at several other people too, his bulling, his loudness, his gestures, and his expressions all draw our attention straight to him. We can’t take our eyes off a fight, and we look at the person we perceive as winning the fight with more frequency. We don’t look as long at the victim. Our brains make us look to where we see the most threat to us!

Verbally, Trump has called Cruz, a “loser” and “liar.” He has made cruel remarks about the physical appearance of Carly Fiona such as, “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!”  He has called a female news correspondent a “bimbo.” He has made ugly attacking remarks about Hillary Clinton, Mexicans and Muslims. In one debate after Hillary was late coming back from a bathroom break he bullied her saying "I thought she gave up," Trump said at the rally. "Where did she go? Where did Hillary go? They had to start the debate without her. Phase II. “I know where she went. It's disgusting. I don't want to talk about it."

Ted Cruz - Though he is a bully he is not the biggest bully on the playground.  Overall his gestures are slightly lower and are more darting and short lived making him appear less forceful and confident than he could be. For example, notice the breadth and length of Trump’s gestures. I am not endorsing Trump, rather you need to know that our primitive limbic brains see the candidate with the most powerful, larger, bigger and long lasting body language cues. So even when Cruz bullies with a statement like, “Let’s say I am a maniac and everyone else on this stage is stupid fat and ugly.” He looks like the sly mean bully not the “in your face” bully how Trump can appear.

Bernie Sanders. He has not always been a bully, He previously has had a warm, genuine smile that is the most likable, believable smile of all the candidates. He also, in the past, shows great integrity in his messaging, that his word message tracks and agrees with his body language and vocal cues. In his Super Tuesday speech he was much more negative in his verbal and nonverbal messaging than I have seen him in his other speeches. He made several sour pursed lip expressions and a few downward turned and tight lipped angry looks and looks of disgust. This was a profound contrast for his iconic warm, smiling and likeable image.  He also yelled a lot. Bullying is contagious and he caught it. When Hillary Clinton rudely interrupted and talked over Sanders in the Democratic debate Sanders yelled, “Excuse me I am talking” while swinging his arm up then striking down and out as if he wanted to bring his hand down on her shoulder to throttle her. His gestures are now often large, forceful and attacking. They often go forward to the screen so he is bulling not just the other candidate, but anyone who is for that candidate.

Hillary Clinton - In one debate she said, “Enough is enough if you have something to say to me say it to me directly, I think it is time to end the artful smear you and your campaign have been carrying out in recent weeks and talk about the issues.” Her request to stop being bullied was seen as bulling and got booed by the audience.

Her gestures are smaller though she does chop and strike out at Bernie and as she talks about Trump. I have talked about how her voice is often weak and raspy and shows great vocal strain. I think the effort to keep her voice in a lower more powerful register and speak loudly is straining it. Unfortunately, that strain sounds to a potential voter like a lack of strength, and perhaps a lack of character. I rather like the anger she is showing in current speeches and television appearances. She needs to be angry to fight and look powerful against Trump’s overriding anger. Look at my blogs on anger to note how we read anger as power. Yep, I am saying that she ramp up her anger, but she should not be a bully.

Gender Differences in Anger - Unfortunately, we perceive women’s anger differently than we do a man’s. Research shows that if a man is perceived as emotional he is considered more credible for getting angry. But when the woman was perceived as emotional, participants became surer of their own opinion, even if they considered the woman credible. As the researchers in one study put it: “When a woman expresses anger, this does not just make her seem less credible, but seems to make assessing her credibility irrelevant.” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/people-reward-angry-men-but-punish-angry-women-study-suggests_us_561fb57be4b050c6c4a47743)

In research on emotions men show less emotions except for anger. Research across 37 cultures shows that men and women more accurately display gender-stereotypic expressions– men more accurately express anger, contempt and happiness, while women more accurately express fear and happiness.

How do men and women feel when they get angry, researchers have found that men felt less effective and less instrumental when forced to hold their anger in, whereas women didn't feel nearly as constricted when they didn't express their anger directly. They also found a correlation between expressing one's anger outwardly and being assertive in men, but not in women

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.