My sister and
brother-in-law were coming to visit, and I was tense. I have known my
brother-in-law since I was four years old. He was a full bird colonel in the
Airforce and an Endodontist. He is a fix-it guy with a garage workbench of the Gods.
He is intelligent, disciplined, and a supercritical perfectionist. He points
out every problem he sees. I knew he would see every home repair mistake in my
home. To stave off the criticism, I spent weeks getting the house ready. I
cleaned, painted trim, magic sponged every light switch and door, hired a
repair man to come to fix big projects, and my lawn guy to do an over-the-top
trim and spruce up and power washing job. I was so proud of my
house.
Of course, when he walked
into my house, he peeked in every room, looking for something to criticize. He
didn't see anything and seemed agitated as we sat at the counter and suggested
we go out on the deck instead to have our drinks inside. Sitting outside he looked around but, didn't see anything.
Then he got out of his chair and walked about an acre up the steep hill to the top
of the backyard. Then he looked back at my house, and gleefully said,
"You have a branch in the room of your garage, and you need to take care
of that." My friends, the branch was a twig about a foot long. That twig
made him very happy. Well, pointing out my mistake of leaving a twig on my roof
made him very happy. I burst into laughter and told him what I had done to
prepare for his visit.
Sometimes knowing someone's personality, what drives them what bothers them most, and having a sense of humor about it is the first step to improving your relationship.
Get-it-right personalities
see every mistake and feel a strong and immediate need to fix them. A mistake
"unfixed" can feel physically and emotionally painful to them. It
stresses them out. Since mistakes stress them out they think that pointing yours out to you is helping you! "Hey!" "Here is a mistake you missed so you can fix it and remove the stress" They can actually get a thrill, a chemical high from fixing and
pointing out mistakes. Knowing what stresses out your boss and what makes them
happy can help you. It's not that they think badly of you. It's just they HAVE
to point out mistakes.
You need to understand what
they like and need. Perfectionists tend to be smart, careful, and
accurate. When they see the work you have done, they will correct you. If you think you have completed a task and even moved on to something else they may email you days or weeks later with
corrections, problems, mistakes that you made, and why it won't work.
Perfectionists are cautious
because they want to ensure it is done the right way and
produces the perfect result.
To make sure they are receptive,
set up a time to talk. Don't interrupt them when they are working. They
like their solitude and prefer to know you will be coming to speak to them
rather than having you drop by. When you talk to a perfectionist, make your
body language appropriate and reserved and your voice slow and at a low
volume. Allow long silent pauses for them to think before they speak.
People want to be heard and understood and sometimes they won't listen to your needs because they are busy trying to make themselves heard. When you begin the conversation state you understand their top need. For a get-it-right perfectionist, you can say, "I know it's important to get things right and not have mistakes, and that is important to me too."
Then say what you need. Set
boundaries up front so your task/project won't be weighed down with
back-and-forth conversations and emails with what non-analytical people would
consider minutia. "I want to make sure we get this task done right so let's talk right now about what good right and perfect would look like and agree on it."
And/or you can present the project
in steps. For example, "I will give you an outline by this date for your
review, a rough draft by this date, and then I will go forward without changes
to deliver it to the client by this date.
If you have recently been criticized by a perfectionist and it is undermining a current task/project/sale you can use the ERASER method to have a courageous conversation with them to let them know how their criticisms are affecting you
If I was upset about my brother in laws criticism of my house I could say. "I know that having things perfect and my house taken care of is important to you and it is important to me too." "Today when you searched my house and yard for something to point out, I felt criticized in a way that made me feel bad." "While you are visiting can you also look for things you like and find admirable about my house so that I know you care for respecting me?" For more details on how to have that kind of conversation see my article on my method. https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/search?q=ERASER+
I admire and respect my brother-in-law and I have learned how to make us BOTH happy when we interact. I wish you greater understanding and happiness in dealing with your perfectionist relationships.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
