When People Say, "I am sorry for your loss." and other well meaning platitudes How Do You Deal With Loss

One of the many lessons of loss is that you the sufferer, become responsible for helping those around you not feel bad as they interact with you. Standing in your pain, you are often in situations where you need to lift the burden of your sorrow off those who feel awkward about dealing with the messiness of grieving and loss.

So, for example, when someone tries to comfort you with the comment, “I am sorry for your loss." This may seem to you to be a rote statement, you are left with the choice of giving a pat automated response or going deeper. It’s always your choice.

As a body language expert, I give programs on dealing with abuse, grief loss and trauma with professionals who deal with the grieving. (funeral directors, social workers, therapists, school counselors, law enforcement, ministers and rabbis, and others.) I share with them tools they can share in turn with those suffering losses.
I suggest that you listen to the voice and watch the body language of the person who makes the “Sorry for your loss” statement to see and hear if they may be willing to go deep with you for a moment. If they are staying pulled back and reticent and speaking with a flat automatic tone, just give them a warm, “Thank You.” And let them go. They say the pain is too much for them, but they are kind enough to reach out as far as they can go to comfort you.

If they are really making eye contact, leaning in, fully present and have the paralanguage of truth as they say, “I am sorry for your loss.” it you can give them your truth. The funny thing is when you are laid bare in grief, you can read nonverbal cues acutely. You know. If they are open and willing, you can share your truth.

You can share how the loss is affecting you, “I have lost my partner and my best friend, and it hurts so much.”

You can thank them deeply, “Thank you for reaching out to me and standing in my grief with me for a moment.” “My pain is so big, thank you for being in sorrow with me.”

You can share memories of the person you lost that the person who said sorry also shares so you can grieve at the moment together, “I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went to the beach. I will miss hearing his voice joining with yours.” 

 When I was 29, the year I watched my best friend die and suffered the loss of nine other friends dying I learned a lot about grief and the responsibility of dealing with people who had no experience with it being incredibly uncomfortable and awkward about it. I already had my speaking and consulting business as a body language expert so it placed me in a unique position of seeing into the hearts of people as my heart broke. 

 

Patti Wood’s Bio

Called the “Gold Standard” of Body Language by The Washington Post and credited in the New York Times for bringing the topic to national attention Patti Wood, is a true expert. She is the author of nine books and she speaks and consults to Fortune 500 companies and associations. You see her on National TV shows like Good Morning America, CNN and FOX News, The History Channel and the Today Show. She is quoted every week in publications such as The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today, Bloomberg Business Week, Fortune, Good Housekeeping, and USA Today.