The Body Language Of Listening

Below is a chapter in my forthcoming book, "People Savvy."

THE BODY LANGUAGE OF LISTENING

Remember To Be Gentler

By Patti Wood, MA, Professional Speaker www.pattiwood.net

You’re sitting in the office with your customer as they talk about what they want, or the problems they are having with a product or service. You want them to know you’re listening. You know it’s important to show concern, but you’re a little tired, or they’re going on and on, or maybe they’re saying some negative things and you’re feeling defensive.

What can you do to help focus and show you are listening? What body language cues show you are listening? Just like your sixth grade teacher told you: be polite—be a gentleman or gentlewoman. You should be GENTLER with your listening by following these G-E-N-T-L-E-R tips.

Give Facial Feedback

It is so easy to zone out as a listener, but when you do, you can give a blank, open-mouthed look that resembles the face of a kid after five hours of cartoons. Just like you have to work your abs to get toned stomach muscles, you have to work your face to have toned empathetic skills. Let your facial expressions show your emotional response to the message. If they are concerned, show understanding by furrowing your brow. If they are unhappy, frown and lower your eyes. Briefly matching their facial expressions not only shows your customers you are listening, it creates the same chemicals in your brain that body language shifts are creating in theirs, and you will actually feel what they are feeling and understand them more effectively.

Eye Contact

A listener should give more eye contact than the speaker. Research suggests that if you want to have good rapport you should maintain eye-contact 60 to 70 percent of the time that someone is speaking to you. Women have been shown to be better at this than men and actually need more eye contact from listeners in order to feel comfortable in the conversation. Even research on small children shows that young boys told to converse on a topic sat side by side and talked to each other staring off into space; little girls moved their chairs to face each other and watched each other with full attention for their entire conversation. This may be because dominance is communicated by either staring or a lack of eye contact. You need to make good eye contact. Research shows that a normal business gaze focuses on the eyes and the upper forehead and in a social gaze, the listener’s gaze drops down to include the nose and the mouth.

Nod Your Head

You do not have to be a bobble head, just occasionally nod your head to show you are listening and empathetic with the speaker’s message. And here’s an added bonus – nodding releases endorphin-like chemicals into your bloodstream to make you feel good and more affable about the speaker. Similar to eye contact, men and women approach head nodding differently. Women nod their heads whether they agree with the speaker’s message or not. Men may think that you agree with them if you nod too much; be careful not to give mere “I’m listening” nods if you disagree with what a man is saying.

Turn Off Technology

We have become so accustomed to answering the phone while looking at our computers, leaving our hands on the keyboard when someone comes into our office or leaving our cell phones attached to us at all times that we forget how rude those things are. Signal your intent to really listen by turning away from your computer, letting phone calls go to voicemail, ignoring your cell phone and saying out loud, “Let me turn this off while we talk.” It’s amazing what a difference it will make in the impression you give your customer—because so few listeners take the time to be that polite.

Lean Forward

Proximity, or being physically close, signals your desire to be emotionally or physiologically close. I don’t mean get in their face, but merely lean in toward the speaker. Research shows that in a seated conversation, a backward lean communicates that you are dominant. A forward lean shows interest.

Expose Your Heart

You do not need to unbutton your shirt and show your superman “S” to show you’re listening; just make sure you turn towards the speaker. Orient the heart and upper portion of your body toward the speaker. People disclose more to listeners facing them. Even a quarter turn away signals a lack of interest and can make the speaker shut down. It also says something about your response to the message. Research shows that when people feel under attack or have low self-esteem, they protect their vulnerable heart area on their chest. Body language is a wonderfully symbolic language. To communicate you are an open, confident speaker and listener, you need to show your heart.

There are gender differences. When men are sitting directly across a table from one another, the table almost acts as a castle wall and the direct heart-to-heart message becomes a challenge, creating a feeling of competition and making them share less than they would when seated side to side.

Remove Barriers

That means take away things that block the access or view of the speaker and you. The barrier used most often is the arms. Though we have over 60 different motivations for folding our arms, speakers see any arm fold as a barrier and a cue that you are not listening. In fact, of all the different body language postures, the arm fold is the most obvious indication of a lack of interest. You actually retain 30 percent less information from the speaker when you listen with your arms crossed. So unfold your arms. In addition, move the phone, books or stacks of papers on the desk that sit between the front of your body and the speaker’s view. You can even show that you are blocking a speaker’s message by holding your beverage glass in front of your upper chest.

There is no greater gift to give to someone than your interest. Be GENTLER with your listening.

www.pattiwood.net Copyright Communication Dynamics 2005

To learn more about using body language to increase your business success contact Patti Wood at www.pattiwood.net.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Patti Consulted in CLOSER Magazine John Stamos

John Stamos and Caitlin McHugh Could Totally Last, but There's Tension (EXCLUSIVE)

It's a sad day for single ladies around the world, as Closer Weekly reported earlier today that Fuller Housestar John Stamos, 54, is engaged to his girlfriend, Caitlin McHugh, 31, after nearly two years of dating. However, will their 23-year age gap ultimately get the best of them? We spoke with a bunch of relationship and body language experts, who have revealed whether or not they think they could last forever.

"Let's consider the facts: John Stamos is the antithesis of an old man. He's hot, handsome, and successful. And contrary to the Playboy image that's projected onto him by others, John's a 'relationship guy' at heart," says NYC-based relationship expert Susan Winter.

"Caitlin and John have been dating for a year and a half. This is not a fly-by-night romance," she continued. "This is a long enough time period to see how their dispositions (and lifestyles) meld. They've gone through their initial honeymoon period, and have had time to find themselves confronted with disagreements as well as resolutions."

While their relationship has potential, body language expert Patti Wood, who is also an Allergan partner on the Eyepowerment Campaign, shares she believes there might be tension in their relationship. After observing the photo above, Patti shares, "The great thing about that photo is that he has the full front of his body at what I call the heart window. It's called the ventral front, that's the belly area, and the pelvis — all those areas he has touching her, which is incredibly intimate and shows that they have a sexual relationship."

However, after seeing a second photo, Patti continues with, "His [left] hand [is placed] in an unusual position. The tips of the fingers are tightly curled in and away from her — that's unusual and shows a lot of tension. It emphasizes or highlights that there's a little bit of tension about being fully connected. That other part of that is his legs are crossed away from her, and that's an indication that he wants to be seen as his own person and not as a unit with her."

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Photo Read of Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Patti Wood

Interesting. He has the whole front of his body throat window, heart window, stomach window. pelvis window towards her with his pelvis window  ( indicating sexual connection) around her. She is hunched forward in a protective way closing off her stomack window strongly with a her fingers closed.  I know from watching TV interviews of her to see her baseline body language that she hunching her shoulders a habit of her in public situations. What is interesting is that she does it when she is with him. As typically people that do that hunch TOWARD their sweeties so that their venerable heart and stomachs are toward the person they trust.

He feels that closing off enough for him to want to pull her a bit towards him with a belt hold. This shows sexual ownership. It is a loose hold put a hold none the less.  In laymen’s terms He is very hot for her.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://PattiWood.net. Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.