Hugging the Porcupine - Why We Hold Onto a Bad or Even an Abusive Relationship, Client, Employee, or Process.

Hugging A Porcupine

By Patti Wood

I watched my friend make a dinner tray to take up to his girlfriend who was under the weather. He carefully placed the dinner he made on the best dishes, folded a linen napkin, put a little flower he picked from the garden into a cup onto it and smile as took the tray upstairs. Moments later I could hear his girlfriend scream at him about all the things he had done wrong making the dinner and putting it on the tray. He came downstairs upset and beaten down. I had watched him being abused by his girlfriend for years. He had used every communication strategy to stop it. But she wasn’t going to change. He wouldn’t leave her. He said he had invested too many years in the relationship. He said he stayed, not because he still loved her, but because the investment he had made. He couldn’t let the relationship go and give himself the chance for future happiness, because he didn’t want to think of the years he invested as a waste. And for him the thought of starting a new life was daunting.

My friend was hugging a porcupine. Holding onto something that hurt him over and over again because of “sunk costs.”

In economics, a sunk cost is anything that has been paid and cannot be recovered. The problem is when a person or businesses investment has been a loss, and their own aversion to loss compels them to make further bad decisions related to the investment, such as putting more time or money towards it based on a fear of loss. In our personal lives, we may hold on to mates, friends, or even groups that are toxic or simply causing us pain.

In business, we may hold onto a client, vendor, employee, software program, or a process because of what we spent on it, and or how much we have invested in it or to avoid the pain of having to change or start something new. We may be able to see someone in an abusive relationship and ask, “Why do they stay?? But when the porcupine is ours, we may not let see as clearly and let go.

I had a coaching client who got what he thought was a great client who offered him more money than he had ever gotten from one client. He had hired new employees, to serve this Client X, purchased new insurance and more to serve client X. But client X was awful, demanding he fire people, creating insurance risks and more. Client X was a porcupine. In my coaching, I work with clients that have porcupines and help them gently let go of a bad employee or a misery-inducing client, heal themselves and their businesses from the pokes and start again with a healthier choice than a barbed porcupine!  

Many porcupine huggers are overly optimistic. They think that the next experience they have with porcupine person or process will be positive and somehow correct the previous, negative experience. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and instead, the pain is merely prolonged.

Do you have any Porcupines in your life? Is there someone or something that is causing you pain that you need to let go?

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

Apologies and Redemption, and How Toxic Groups Can Accept Bad Behavior, Group Narcissism

I speak on conflict management, bullying and sexual harassment and part of that work emphasize healing work and proper apologies. One the many steps in a redemptive recovery is the abuser admits they did harm and asks what they can do.

The article below shows the hurt abuse victim feel when the abuser gives a false apology. It is also interesting that is shows how a tribe (the church members) can accept bad behavior in a tribes member/leader (one of their ministers.) The tribal members think they are being good Christians to forgive him, but they overlooked the fact that it was a false apology. Not only was it not a true apology with the potential to help the victim the tribe forgave him when they had no right to as he hadn't given an apology from his victim.

Abusers can continue to abuse they can deny they abused, forget or distort the full truth of their abuses or they can choose to heal learn and grow! It would have to be a very safe healing place.

"To have him listen to me was almost the most important thing for me. And it was part of him being accountable and taking responsibility. It was so satisfying ... to have the person who hurt you sit there and listen to you and not blame you for it and admit to what they did, and to remember some of the abuse. Even though Steve didn't remember a lot of it in our first conversations, he started to remember."

https://www.npr.org/2018/01/09/576798813/for-the-men-metoo-has-toppled-redemption-will-take-more-than-an-apology?utm_campaign=storyshare&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social

Restorative justice!

Update. I find it Interesting that this happened. Then people outside the church, people not in the tribe, reacted that he had not acted properly and he eventually did step down. Tribes that are toxic often can't see their bad behavior. I believe this group felt themselves so holy they were, in fact, experiencing what I call "group narcissism". You can read other posts I have on that phenomenon.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

7 Charming Habits that are Actually Manipulative, Possible Tactics of Malignant Narcissists.

Here is a link to an article I did for Bustle on manipulative behaviors.

I speak on how to deal with difficult people including extreme malignant narcissists.

You've probably heard that when someone mirrors you or matches your behavior, that's a pretty good sign they like you more than you think. As Patti Wood, M.A., body language expert and author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charismatells Bustle, "Matching and mirroring are normal behaviors for people that like and trust each other."

While it's something that should happen naturally, manipulative people will take it over the top. If you reach for something at the same time, they'll smile, and explicitly comment on how well-matched the two of you are. As Wood says, narcissists in particular do that in order to create a connection. After some time, they'll stop, leaving the other person to feel devalued and wondering what happened. If you notice this happening to you, just take a step back and collect yourself. Ask yourself if this person really is worth you questioning your own self-esteem.

Find More at the link to the full article. 7 Charming Habits that are Actually Manipulative

You've probably heard that when someone mirrors you or matches your behavior, that's a pretty good sign they like you more than you think. As Patti Wood, M.A., body language expert and author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma tells Bustle, "Matching and mirroring are normal behaviors for people that like and trust each other."

While it's something that should happen naturally, manipulative people will take it over the top. If you reach for something at the same time, they'll smile, and explicitly comment on how well-matched the two of you are. As Wood says, narcissists in particular do that in order to create a connection. After some time, they'll stop, leaving the other person to feel devalued and wondering what happened. If you notice this happening to you, just take a step back and collect yourself. Ask yourself if this person really is worth you questioning your own self-esteem.

Maintaing eye contact is a great way to make people feel like they're truly being noticed. As Wood says, manipulative people will take simple eye contact a step further and set their eyes on you with a focused and intense gaze. "Hypnotic gazing is typically done to test boundaries," she says. "They may do or say something uncomfortable right before or after the hypnotic gaze to test how you respond. Sometimes, it may feel like love or seduction."

If someone's intense gaze makes you feel off in any way, Wood suggests to get up and take a break. Check your feelings and your body if things start to get too intense.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Happens Behind the Back of the Victim of Narcissism.

Trustworthiness What Happens Behind the Back of the Victim of Narcissism.

I speak on conflict management, how to deal with difficult people, including how to deal with narcissism.
The "Path" draws in the friends, family co-workers and acquaintances of the victims with his or her personal charm in an effort to build a (false) trust relationship with the fringe audience. This is accomplished with little effort as the Path has innate skills that easily manipulate the perceptions of others endearing them to him or her as they wield their persuasiveness and charm.

The initial impact, though appearing quite harmless and innocuous is commonly cloaked in the appearance of sincere concern for the victim’s well-being and might sound something, like, “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but have you ever thought that (insert victim’s name) may not be what he (or she) appears to be?” No accusations, no data, reports or inclinations of anything concrete, just tilling the soil and fertilizing it with a little doubt. All the while, they are increasing their own credibility with someone who may be a family member, friend, co-worker or acquaintance of the intended victim; unaware that they are being groomed as the Path’s minion who will be turned against the victim when the time is right. SOWING FALSE “FACTS” Grooming from this point forward will take a secretive slant and will likely be presupposed with something, like, “Don’t tell (insert name), but…” as they actually sow seeds of doubt.

As the relationship between the Path and his minion(s) grows deeper, more and more seeds will be sown in an effort to cast doubt, while the victim is none the wiser. I’ve always thought it peculiar, that in most cases, these once close associates of the victim rarely, if ever, courteously approach them with the sensitive information with a sincere, “Hey, I was just wondering about (insert reports of lack of sanity, trustworthiness, a secret double-life, illicit drug-use, illegal activities, pathological symptoms, etc…)…” that would definitely be an early indicator that something was up.

In most, if not all, circumstances the victim continues to navigate their life’s journey unaware that the world they once enjoyed is being eroded or destroyed behind their back. It is common for the Path to project their own psychological attributes onto the victim. For instance, if they are a closet illicit drug user, then this will be represented as being a problem of the target. If he or she is manipulative or controlling, this would be presented as something that the victim struggles with unbeknownst to others. If they tend to make up elaborate stories, it will be the victim who that accuse of secretly lives a fantasy-life where nothing is as it seems… on and on and on…

Why? Because no one knows these attributes better than the Path. They are the undeniable expert in these pathologies and they know how critical it is for someone who has them to keep them a secret in an effort to appear to be normal. In no way am I suggesting that the Path might limit their Psyca-attacks to their own attributes. They are extremely acute at the skill of taking a known truth and spinning it into a ludicrous conclusion that will cast a dark shadow on anyone at any time. ENTER THE “SPIN” Paths have the ability to spin any factual data into an amazing story that will breed conspiracy or contempt for any individual at will.

For instance, let’s say that you had a hard day at work all day, due to struggling with an intense ongoing headache. Everyone at work could tell that you were not “on your game” as usual. If you intimated to the Path that you had a headache; that would give them the data that they needed to spin a tale. The tale may take many shapes and forms, but will be consistent with some of the previous seeds that had been sown against you. For instance, if the Path’s intention was to have you appear to his or her minions that you were a closet illicit drug user, he or she might intimate, “Wow, did you notice that (insert your name) was out of it yesterday? It’s normal to go through withdrawals when you don’t get your fix before you get to work… It’s so sad…” No matter what you say or do, you cannot prevent the Path from spinning it into a negative story about you that will erode your sense of normalcy.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END When the Path has a clue that you are coming to the end of your usefulness in the accomplishment of their goals, he or she ramps up the defamation, usually making it appear that it is you who is beginning to attack them. At this point the Path will appeal to their minions’ sensibilities as they present themselves as the sacrifice, martyr or victim of your psychotic manipulations. It will become apparent to you when your relationship with the Path is coming to an end, that there has been a definite polarity has taken place. People who were once your friends will drift away… and you will notice a gravitation toward the Path. Having no internal filter, they will stop at nothing in an effort to humiliate you. They will spout vile accusations, even proclaim you’re mentally ill, if it will support their proclamation that you cannot be trusted or are inherently evil. Trying to defend yourself is almost pointless.

If the Path is quite proficient – as most of them are very accomplished – anything that you say in your defense will appear to be a part of your psychosis and will strengthen all of the groundwork that the Path has laid in preparation of this moment. Even if the Path’s relationship with the minions begins to dissolve (as it almost always does when the Path moves on in search of new victims and minions), the seeds will always leave a mark in their minds… and as heartbreaking as it may be, in most cases, regardless of the ultimate outcome of the Path’s lifestyle, there may be no hope for recovering the life that you once knew. Jobs and careers may be lost, friends will turn their backs on you, family members will distance themselves, the people that you once trusted with your most intimate thoughts and feelings will always wonder who you “really were” all the time they knew you.

THE COMMITMENT TO YOUR DESTRUCTION There is no way to anticipate how long the attacks will take place. In some cases, if the Path is the least bit concerned that you might at some point discredit them or tarnish their appearance or reputation… the attacks will continue. If the Path believes that at any point you could be a threat to their charade, the spinning will not cease. This perceived threat may continue until either of you cease to be. Many Paths have come right out and made bold, public declarations that they, “will not rest until you are,” locked up, put away, homeless, or dead. NEXT article http://psychopathvictims.com/tag/character-assassination One of the dead giveaways of psychopathic behavior is that of the vicious, psychotic character assassination campaigns that are wielded against anyone who stand in their way or might pose a threat to their agenda(s). Please keep in mind that if you have become the targeted victim of a psychopath’s smear campaign, that it is nothing personal. In fact, nothing can ever be seen as “personal” to a psychopath as they are devoid of any feelings (like a normal person might have); no love, no hate, no empathy, no remorse. They only see other people as tools or possessions and may even use phrases, like: • You’re mine • I own you And when they are done with you, they have so little regard for you that they might say: • I will end you • You will be nothing when I’m done with you.

This campaign focused on your destruction need not have any basis in actual fact, as the psychopath will create an alternative universe using a method that transfers the attributes of the psychopath in an effort to discredit the victim so much that anything they might say would not be considered as a factual representation of the truth. The battleground may include close personal relationships, workplaces……………. . For the psychopath it is a long-term commitment to bury their prey and sometimes it can be a lifetime obsession. The appropriate response when attacked by a psychopathic smear campaign is not to respond, not to defend, not to react, and not to contact the predator ever again; period, as any response, no matter how negative, threatening or even a lawfully empowered response will only add fuel to the fire that runs the engine of the assailant. Do not ask the psychopath to stop or try to negotiate with him/her. Without responding, document everything. In regards to the importance of documentation: Psychopaths will manipulate those who have your confidence in order to probe you for information that feeds the psychopathic fire and they will be spreading lies about your credibility and/or sanity. Anything you say to them will be twisted and misconstrued to reflect upon you in the worst possible light.

Psychopaths and Malignant Narcissists Supply, Grooming, Seeding, Empaths, Character Assignation, Smear Campaign

Psychopaths and Malignant Narcissists Supply, Grooming, Seeding, Empaths, Character Assignation, Smear campaign. speak on body language and dealing with difficult people including toxic people like this. 

Psychopaths and Malignant Narcissists do not have normal emotions. They are deep dark voids of emptiness. They search for "Narcissistic supply" to feed their void. Their main "supply" comes from healthy individuals. They particularly love highly emotional Empathy. They will feed of an Empaths positive emotions and once bored will abuse the Empath to get negative emotions. They will typically have a secondary source of supply in other lovers and tertiary supply of groups/ family members. 

At some point, a healthy target will see the Psychopath/Narcissists for who they really are. The Psychopath/Narcissists has prepared for this. It has happened to them before. Psychopath/Narcissists false self-image/mask is everything to them. They must destroy anyone who knows them for who they truly are. So the target typically becomes the victim of a smear campaign/character assassination to eject them from the group/family so the Psychopath/Narcissist can continue to gain supply from the group. In fact, they may even get more supply if they are successful in their character assassination as their victim is made to appear like someone who did them harm and the Psychopath/Narcissists gains the sympathy of the group. 

They have planned for this by grooming the group long before they assassinate the character of the victim/target. They have 'seeded" (see "seeding", "lie seeding") the group with negative information about the target and primed them gifting them dinners, entry into exclusive parties, clubs, vents, trips, jobs. (Think Harvey Weinstein.) T. If the group allows the Narcissist/Psychopath to get away with attacking the victim/target and let them stay in the group looking the other way they show the attacker their bad behaviors will be tolerated. 

The group becomes their tertiary supply and they will create drama in the group to feed them often by triangulating group members pitting them against each other. The Psychopath/Narcissist craves a main source of supply and will search for another lover/Empath. If the group gives them no supply, no drama the Narcissists will disappear from the group when they find them and only reappearing if they lose the lover/Empath.




Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What kinds of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships

Just did a piece for Verily magazine. Here are the notes I sent them.

1. What types of people narcissists tend to seek out in romantic relationships (i.e. insecure, people-pleasers, etc.)

Narcissists choose people pleasers, and good listeners. They want someone who is empathetic, in fact, “Hyper Empathy is preferred” and kind. They want someone who is “High bonding”, “High Sentimentality.” They want someone who gives readily of their time, their caring and their emotions. They also want someone who is highly idealistic and low in “Harm Avoidance” and high in “cooperation.” For more information. Look up “Narcissistic abuse, targets, victims.” And if you think it is more serious look up “Psychopathic abuse, targets, and victims.”

2. Signs that you are dating a narcissist (i.e. what kind of qualities do narcissists generally have?)

Charm, Charisma, Intense mesmerizing eye contact, high touch behavior that starts very quickly, such as holding hands on the first date, or hugging spontaneously right away, or touching to push back their dates hair or take a thread off a jacket on the first date.  Close talker and or just plain standing or sitting closer than normal, a space invader. May talk slightly louder or very loudly and may gesture in an over the top manner and may interrupt in a charming enthusiastic way. May have a loud or unusual laugh and may use the laugh to interrupt you, though it may sound like they are indeed laughing at something you said if you listen closely it interrupts your “turn” to speak. And if you listen even more closely you will notice they interrupt when you take away too much attention from them. High self-discloser on a first date. They will sweep you off your feet and charm you. Love bombing you so that you feel like you are on an emotional high, they will put you up on a pedestal complimenting you in an over the top manner and perhaps showering with small gifts. “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother you with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and designation, essentially, as the most special person ever. (Look up “Mask of Sanity”)

3. Tips to help readers avoid dating narcissists.

Notice the first date. Do you feel overwhelmed swept up? Highly emotionally charged. Does the conversation seem very intimate? Are you sharing stories of your bad relationships? Do they claim they were a victim in their last relationship and tell you the horrible details? Do they compliment you more than once? Do they say you are different or special on the FIRST date? Do they lean in close or touch you on FIRST date? If they describe their ex as crazy, bipolar, a drug addict, and or anorexic or a bitch because they are not just a narcissist research says, people who describe their ex with any or all of these characteristics on first dates and or at the beginning of new relationship describing themselves as victims of their ex,’s are likely to be a sociopath/psychopaths. They are often flat out lying or they created so much stress in their ex’s life their ex may have thought themselves crazy. RUN!  If your still not sure look out Psychopathic Abuse Victim.

PLUS

If you truly want to understand how smart warm wonderful women are targets of Psychopaths read the research of Sandra Brown:

https://www.sott.net/article/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

“The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women's unique and astounding elevated 'super traits' of temperament, personality strengths, and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural 'balance' to the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.”

“While the uncovering of her innate traits and conditioned behaviors explained much about this dangerous relationship and has brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation of some of the victim's temperament traits and explaining how it could affect her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host said, "That's a crock of crap! You're telling me that a few temperament traits can do that? I don't believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own it and she was probably abused as a child." These simplistic answers are what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public psychopathology education.”

“As mentioned, my research has revealed that women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary 'super traits' of temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:

Here is the research by Sandra Brown on what psychopaths look for in a romantic partner:

§  Extraversion and excitement seeking (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.)  In other words, these women started out being the least dependent types on the planet!

§  Deep Investment in all relationships (The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.)

§  Sentimentality

§  Attachment – Deep bonding capacity (She has a deep bonding capacity.)

§  Competitiveness – stand ground – not codependent (She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will stand her ground.  Again, not the co-dependent type at all.)

§  Low Harm Avoidance – does not expect to be hurt (She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she is.  In other words, not a person looking to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood.  In fact, more often than not, these women were never exposed to abuse of any kind as children.)

§  Cooperation

§  Higher Empathy – can be genetic

§  Responsibility and Resourcefulness

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Donald Trump’s Tweets Reveal About Him

What Donald Trump’s Tweets Reveal About Him

45's need to attack and criticize anyone who threatens his persona of perfection is horrifying. He even attacks leaders who are dealing with traumatic events. Google “criticism and attacks Trump”, and you will see his insatiable need to take down others. Google “Trump and narcissism” and you'll see why he feels this need.

This is the time to act with integrity in your life. Treat people with kindness and respect. Be the person people can count on and seek comfort from. We can see bad behavior and rail against, but we also must create the world we want through our behaviors.

Article:

Excerpted with permission from “All I Ever Wanted to Know about Donald Trump I Learned From His Tweets” by John Gartner, PhD, and Rachel Montgomery. Copyright 2017, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. Available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and IndieBound.

One of the most notable things about the 34,000 tweets that Rachel Montgomery culled through for this new book is their sheer quantity. It’s like looking at your phone in the morning, the night after a brief dinner date, and finding thirty-seven nasty texts from your date. The quantity alone warns that this person may not be mentally stable, and then the gratuitous nastiness confirms it. Donald Trump’s manic dark energy drives him to vaunt himself and denigrate his fellow human beings relentlessly: all day, all night, every day, and every night.

To make sense of his aberrant behavior, you need to understand, specifically, what is psychologically wrong with Donald Trump. His diagnosis is the Rosetta Stone to cracking the Trump Twitter code, revealing its underlying structure, and unfortunately, how much ­danger all the rest of us are in as a result. He is a malignant narcissist who is also on the bipolar spectrum. From a psychiatric perspective, the prognosis could not be more dire—for us.

Much has been written about Trump having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For example, Trump embodies the diagnostic criteria of believing himself to be “uniquely superior,” (“Only I can fix it”) to a degree that would be comical if it weren’t so frightening. He appears to literally believe that he knows more about everything than everybody, despite his lack of experience, study, intellectual curiosity, or even normal attention span. An amusing video montage made its way through social media, where through the miracle of editing, in the course of three minutes Trump brags about being the world’s greatest expert in twenty different subject areas, literally using the exact same sentence—just fill in the blank. “No one knows more about (fill in the blank) than me,” he repeats over and over, while it becomes more absurd, as his imagined portfolio of expertise expands with each improbable bombastic claim. When candidate Trump was asked from whom he sought foreign policy advice, he responded, “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain.” Just how good a brain he has is up for debate, but the narcissistic fantasy that any brain is so good it doesn’t need a brain trust bigger than me, myself, and I, is scary and crazy. “I know more about ISIS than the generals, believe me,” he boasts. Trump has more ways to say, “I am the best” than anybody. Believe me.

Much has been written about Trump having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For example, Trump embodies the diagnostic criteria of believing himself to be “uniquely superior,” (“Only I can fix it”) to a degree that would be comical if it weren’t so frightening. He appears to literally believe that he knows more about everything than everybody, despite his lack of experience, study, intellectual curiosity, or even normal attention span. An amusing video montage made its way through social media, where through the miracle of editing, in the course of three minutes Trump brags about being the world’s greatest expert in twenty different subject areas, literally using the exact same sentence—just fill in the blank. “No one knows more about (fill in the blank) than me,” he repeats over and over, while it becomes more absurd, as his imagined portfolio of expertise expands with each improbable bombastic claim. When candidate Trump was asked from whom he sought foreign policy advice, he responded, “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain.” Just how good a brain he has is up for debate, but the narcissistic fantasy that any brain is so good it doesn’t need a brain trust bigger than me, myself, and I, is scary and crazy. “I know more about ISIS than the generals, believe me,” he boasts. Trump has more ways to say, “I am the best” than anybody. Believe me.

But as critics have pointed out, merely saying a leader is narcissistic is hardly disqualifying. Most are. But malignant narcissism is to garden variety Narcissistic Personality Disorder what a malignant tumor is to a benign one. Both are bad, but only one will kill you.

“The quintessence of evil,” was how Erich Fromm described malignant narcissism, a term he introduced in 1964. Fromm, a refugee from Nazi Germany, developed the diagnosis to explain Adolf Hitler. While Fromm is most well-known as one of the founders of Humanistic Psychology—the basic premise of which is, ironically, that man’s basic nature is good—the Holocaust survivor had a lifelong obsession with the psychology of evil. Malignant narcissism was, according to Fromm, “the most severe pathology. The root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity.” Erich Fromm saw evil up close and applied his genius to boil it down to its psychological essence. A malignant narcissist is a human monster. He may not be as bad as Hitler, but according to Fromm he is cut from the same cloth: “The Egyptian Pharaohs, the Roman Caesars, the Borgias, Hitler, Stalin, Trujillo—they all show certain similar features.”

My former teacher Otto Kernberg is the modern figure most associated with the study of malignant narcissism. He defined the syndrome as having four components: 1) Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 2) antisocial behavior, 3) paranoid traits, and 4) sadism. Kernberg told the New York Times that malignantly narcissistic leaders like Hitler or Stalin are “able to take control because their inordinate narcissism is expressed in grandiosity, a confidence in themselves and the assurance that they know what the world needs.’’5 At the same time, “they express their aggression in cruel and sadistic behavior against their enemies: whoever does not submit to them or love them.’’

As G. H. Pollock wrote, “the malignant narcissist is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism.”

When you combine these four ingredients—narcissism, antisocial traits, paranoia, and sadism—you have a leader who feels omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to total power, who rages at being persecuted by imaginary enemies, which includes anyone who disagrees with him, as well as vulnerable minority groups who represent no threat whatsoever. All who are not part of the in-group or those who do not kiss his ring must be destroyed. And destroying them in the most humiliating and painful way will be an exquisite pleasure. Once you understand the logic of malignant narcissism, all of Trump’s tweets make perfect sense.

Paranoia

In the same week, the New York Times and the Washington Post both ran front-page stories about Trump as a conspiracy theorist. Before the election, Rightwing Watch accumulated a list of fifty-eight conspiracies proclaimed by Trump. And of course, the list has grown since then. Many are truly bizarre. For example, not only is Barack Obama a Muslim born in Kenya, but according to Trump, Obama had a Hawaiian government bureaucrat murdered to cover up the truth about his birth certificate:

How amazing, the State Health Director who verified copies of Obama’s “birth certificate” died in plane crash today. All others lived

Dec 12, 2013 04:32:44 PM

Antonin Scalia was murdered: “They say they found a pillow on his face, (which is a pretty unusual place to find a pillow.)”

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Later, fake news websites sponsored by the Russians laid this “murder” at Hillary Clinton’s feet. Fellow candidate Ted Cruz’s father even aided the Kennedy assassination—the mother of all conspiracy theories. “What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death? Before the shooting? It’s horrible.”

Yet, the world was shocked when Trump accused Barack Obama by tweet of illegally wiretapping Trump Tower. Why were we surprised when this tweeting about conspiracy theories has been going on for years, as the author’s research shows?

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Trump also meets criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder. Antisocials lie, exploit, and violate the rights of others, and have neither remorse nor empathy for those they harm.

Politifact estimated 76 percent of Trump’s statements were false or mostly false, and Politico estimated Trump told a lie every three minutes and fifteen seconds. So in his tweets, Trump freely and frequently lies. He doubles, triples, quadruples, and quintuples down on transparently disprovable falsehoods.

We have ample evidence of Trump’s pervasive pattern of exploiting and violating the rights of others. According to New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, Trump University was a “straight up fraud…a fraud from beginning to end.” Dozens of lawsuits attest to his pattern and practice of not paying his contractors. Finally, there is Trump’s pattern of serial sexual assault, which he bragged about on tape, even before a dozen women came forward, who he then called liars.

Trump is allergic to apology and appears to feel no remorse of any kind. It is as if being Trump means never having to say you’re sorry. When Frank Luntz asked Trump if he had ever asked God for forgiveness, Trump said “I’m not sure I have…I don’t think so.” His unrepentance notwithstanding, he also boasted that he loves God and his church.

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Sadism

Because he is a sadist, the malignant narcissist will take a bully’s glee in persecuting, terrorizing, and even exterminating his “enemies” and scapegoats. When a protester was escorted out of a Trump rally, Trump famously said “I’d like to punch him in the face,” in a tone that suggested it would genuinely bring him great pleasure. He relished the thought of throwing another protester out in the cold without his coat. “I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They’d be carried out on a stretcher, folks.” Narcissists often hurt others in the pursuit of their selfish interests. A noteworthy difference between the normal Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the malignant narcissist is sadism, or the gratuitous enjoyment of the pain of others. A narcissist will purposely hurt other people in pursuit of their own desires, but may regret and, in some circumstances, show remorse for doing so, while a malignant narcissist will damage others and enjoy doing so, showing little compassion or shame for the damage they cause. People with simple Narcissistic Personality Disorder often feel shame when being forced to confront the reality that they have hurt other people in pursuit of their selfish or self-centered goals. For malignant narcissists it’s a bonus. It’s part of the fun.

Trump loves to “punch down” people that he views as weaker than himself by demeaning and humiliating them. Not only are sizable portions of Trump’s 34,000 tweets dedicated to cyber-bullying, but sometimes, he will send the same nasty tweet six times across a day’s news cycle day to maximize his victim’s humiliation.

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Trump lives in a paranoid zero sum world divided into two types of people: Winners and Losers. Strong and Weak. Victors and Vanquished. Bullies and Victims. Predator and Prey. The guys who get to grab the pussies and those that get their pussies grabbed. All that matters is coming out on top.

Winning Takes Care of Everything

As the author points out in her illuminating chapter “They Are Laughing at Us!” the worst thing Trump can say is they are winning. They are taking advantage. They are laughing at us. We should strike back at those bastards. Turn the tables, make them pay, and laugh in their faces.

Lets fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us.

Nov 6, 2012 8:30 PM

The United States better address China’s exchange rate before they steal our country and it is too late! China is laughing at us.

Feb 25, 2013 6:54 PM

“The Chinese laugh at how weak and pathetic our government is in combating intellectual property theft.” (cont) http://tl.gd/g70qiu

Mar 1, 2012 12:28 PM

Like the myth that the Inuit have one hundred words for snow, Trump has one hundred phrases to express his contempt (and that’s not a myth). The quantity and tone of these insults say more about the insulter than about the people he is publicly verbally abusing. Here is a sample of some of the phrases used throughout his tweets: low life!, overrated, 3rd rate, lightweight incompetent clown, major sleaze and buffoon, total dud!, mental basket case, true garbage.

Trump’s put-downs break into two basic categories: bad and weak. Losers are weak, and haters are bad. Indeed, haters and losers are his shorthand for anyone not on the Trump train:

Happy Thanksgiving to all--even the haters and losers!

Nov 27, 2013 2:22 PM

Happy Veterans Day to ALL, in particular to the haters and losers who have no idea how lucky they are!!!

Nov 11, 2013 7:59 AM

To EVERYONE, including all haters and losers, HAPPY NEW YEAR. Work hard, be smart and always remember, WINNING TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING!

Dec 31, 2014 4:15 PM

The narcissist in him imagines he is superior to everyone in every way, so he must constantly assert he is more powerful in every respect. During the campaign he effectively diminished his Republican rivals as weak, making him the winner of the primate alpha male competition in a simple contest of fitness, size, and strength.

Leightweight chocker Marco Rubio looks like a little boy on stage. Not presidential material!

Deleted after 1 hour at 11:17 AM on Feb 26

Low energy candidate @‌‌JebBush has wasted $80 million on his failed presidential campaign. Millions spent on me. He should go home and relax!

Jan 21, 2016 6:32 AM

He loves to call his critics stupid—essentially accusing them of mental weakness. As in:

Highly untalented Wash Post blogger, Jennifer Rubin, a real dummy, never writes fairly about me. Why does Wash Post have low IQ people?

Dec 1, 2015 12:46 PM

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How many ways can Trump call someone stupid? Let us count the ways: dumb as a rock, truly dumb as a rock, dummy dope, total dope!, very, very dumb!, dumbest of them all, lowest IQ on television, a spoiled brat without a properly functioning brain, gets dumber each & every year--& started from a very low base.

Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,it’s not your fault

May 8, 2013 9:37 PM

If his critic is a woman, he will always find a weakness in her appearance:

There are many editorial writers that are good, some great, & some bad. But the least talented of all is frumpy Gail Collins of NYTimes.

Mar 17, 2014 2:03 PM

Frumpy and very dumb Gail Collins, an editorial writer at The New York Times, is so lucky to even have a job. Check her out - incompetent!

Mar 15, 2014 4:31 PM

Huffington Post is just upset that I said its purchase by AOL has been a disaster and that Arianna Huffington is ugly both inside and out!

Apr 20, 2014 4:57 PM

At his rallies, he said about one of the women who accused him of sexual assault, “Believe me, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell you,” implying she wasn’t attractive enough to assault.15 When asked about his rival Carly Fiorina, he said: “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!”

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Donald Trump's Malignant Narcissism is Toxic: Psychologist

Donald Trump's Malignant Narcissism is Toxic: Psychologist

"Maniacs display something called ‘flight of ideas.’ It's a formal thought disorder in which ideas tumble forth through a disordered chain of associations. One-word sparks another, which sparks another." 

I've analyzed 45’s body language, paralanguage and rhetoric in his speeches for the media.  I always study the transcripts. I also have “read” his tweets. They are crazy making. He thinks he's making sense but, he's not. He just goes on and on, ranting and not making sense, enjoying his own pontifications. It is amazing to me that people can read anything he has said and not know there is something seriously wrong with him. Just study any of his speeches. You won't be able to finish reading! He needs someone to tell him to take care of Puerto Rico and make a decent decision on healthcare! Where are the good guys and gals in our government! Who will stand up to him?

http://amp.usatoday.com/story/101243584/

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

5 Reasons Women Believe Their Cheating Lovers Aren't Lying

The media piece I did last week on the body language signs of cheating just came out this morning.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/alpha-male-body-language-cheating-relationships-partner-expert-infidelity-a7892791.html

That piece inspired me to write:

"5 Reasons Women Believe Their Cheating Lovers Aren’t Lying” 

by Patti Wood professional speaker and author of 

"Snap Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma"

If you read this and suspect your sweetie of cheating talk to him. You may get an honest response. Do know that if you see the signs and wonder why you didn’t notice and fell for the deceit you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Here are four reasons you may have been fooled.

Loving body language is the opposite of lying body language - I share in all my Establishing Credibility and Detecting Deception programs that the research on deception shows that the person you love can lie with the greatest ease. In part because loving body language is the antithesis of deception body language and in addition your love makes you want to trust.

Let’s just look at just a few of the body language cues that can confuse you. When people lie they tend to withdrawal, not touch you and not match and mirror your body language. Your love partner may be physically close, sleep in the same bed, touch you, match and mirror you and even continue to make significant eye contact, and other loving cues that can fool you into thinking they are truth tellers. Most people feel guilty when they lie and or fear being discovered so they show stress cues when they lie and have difficulty lying well. So Everyday liars have tells! 
Professional liars such as undercover cops, may not feel guilt because they need to lie to do their job and survive. And liars who have mental health issues may not have tells because they just plain don't feel guilt or remorse.  

Your love can create a “Truth Bias”- Research shows that as we become more trusting, we also become more confident, but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told (Levine & McCornack, 1992; McCornack & Parks, 1986)

When people are in love, they of course feel close and trust in their romantic partners and know them well and think they know everything about them. While this trust provides people with a sense of security and comfort, it creates an opportunity for deception called the “truth bias.” Your blind faith in your love makes you ripe for deceit as the very foundation of intimacy is that you trust so who is a better victim than the person who believes you the most!

You may think you have gained an extra special ability detect lies from your love- Because you spend so much time with them and believe their is intimacy you think you know them like no one else knows them. In fact, as intimacy increase so does your confidence in your ability to read you man. Even when part of you feel there is something wrong if someone else tells you, "He is lying", or "He is dating someone else." You may feel or say, "Oh, I know him, he would never do that."

You may have lost trust in yourself that would help you be discerning - You may also get lost in the instability of the crazy tilt and whirl. Even when you do know something is wrong, and talk to your partner and they continue to lie, to the extent you begin to lose faith in instincts and question your very honest and accurate feelings of insecurity. You can tilt back and forth between absolute trust and absolute lack of trust. You can look them in the eye and say, “I know something’s wrong.” And they can look you in the eye and say, “Darling I would never do anything to hurt you,” and lean in to kiss you and rub your back. You feel at a gut level the  mismatch of love and deception being presented together. It can be intense and painful. You want to claim the love message’s truth but at some level you know something is wrong. This may swirl you into a crazy tilt and whirl of instability. Again the messages of love and the messages of a lack of love that feel like the lack of love or decent, "I love you I want you I need you, but I have to go out of town for a week and I will be out of touch." The cheater can even create this crazy tilt and whirl without malice. They may love you, but they lie because they just happen to also love and or be attracted to someone else too. Or they may create the crazy ride out of more selfish reasons, such as the desire for power, control, thrills or mental health issues such as narcissism. (Google the term Love Bombing for more information for more information on the more malicious form of this crazy making.) 

Some lovers are really good at lying - Lying over and over again on a sometimes daily basis to your lover can make you an expert liar. That doesn't make them inherently horrible people, just people that may no longer give you the normal nonverbal and verbal signs of deceit. Some lying lovers may justify their lying by saying to themselves, "I don't want her to know because it would hurt her and I want to save her pain." and therefore not show nonverbal signs of guilt. Their fear level may be low, as they know they have succeeded at lying in the past. Conversely lying lovers may have a desire for excitement and or feelings of power that living on the edge, and undercover may provide. They may get some of that power derived from the “dupers delight,” that thrill some people get at fooling someone. They also may be “good” at lying because they generally love the partner they are cheating on or may think that in order not to lose them and or their lifestyle they must lie. Survival liars can also rationalize their lies in a way that reduces and eliminates normal deception cues. The carnival ride that the cheater can create that may allow them to continue their deceit and from which, in some cases, may allow them to continue to feel powerful, and or believe that they had a right to cheat because you are needy or crazy. Fascinating because they are the instigators of that instability, they run the crazy tilt and whirl.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/alpha-male-body-language-cheating-relationships-partner-expert-infidelity-a7892791.html

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.