How And Why to Give Effective Praise to Your Child By Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood

                                    By Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood 

Jake is an energetic, talkative child who loves to have fun, but he would get into a lot of trouble when he was at home. His mother Sarah was working long hours and came home tired, and she hated the chaos and mess that he caused. She wanted him to behave so whenever he did something wrong, she would yell at him and tell him how disappointed she was in him. She would criticize him for not being able to sit still during family dinner, for yelling in the house as he played, for running through the kitchen, for leaving a mess in the living room, for not putting away his toys and not going to bed the first time she asked him at night. The list of his wrongs seemed overwhelming to both of them and the yelling and all the punishments she meted out to him didn’t make him stop.

     In fact, over time Jake felt like he could never do anything right in his mother's eyes, and he began to lose confidence in himself. He started acting out more, trying to feel powerful, yelling louder, running around more, and leaving bigger more destructive messes. Jake wanted his mother to notice he was a big boy, but it only made things worse.

    Jake's mother's frustration grew, and she grew angrier and angrier at Jake.  One day Jake exploded after she criticized him his face got red, he cried beat his hands on his little chest, and shouted “I am a big boy, and you never notice! You say I am a bad boy I am a very bad boy but I and good boy too.” Her seven-year-old was very smart. And his mother realized in that moment she was spending all her time noticing his misbehaving. Her focus and attention were only on the negative.  She decided to give Jake the praise he craved and notice the positive things he was doing. She noticed when he cleaned his room without being asked or when he helped his little sister with her homework when he brought his plate and cup to the kitchen from the dinner table and more.

    As she noticed each good behavior she began to feel proud of him and so she told him how she felt and thanked him when he helped around the house.

Jake was surprised by his mother's sudden change. He had gotten used to being criticized all the time, and the praise caught him off guard. For several weeks he didn’t change at all he kept acting out. But as his mother stopped yelling at him all the time and made a conscious effort to praise him at least three times a day. She realized her critical grove ran deep and had to stop herself from getting angry and sometimes she didn’t notice till 20 minutes before bedtime she had forgotten to praise him at all and raced to fill the three-praise quotient, but slowly she found it easier to see many good things about her son. Slowly, very slowly he started to change. He was happier, he smiled more, and he was excited to show his mother things he did well knowing now he would be seen for his good actions.

 

 Research suggests that on average, parents criticize their children three times more often than they praise them in a day. This can have a negative effect on children's self-esteem, motivation, and behavior.

Frequent criticism can make children feel like they are not good enough or that their efforts are not valued. This can lead to a lack of motivation, a decrease in self-esteem, and a negative attitude toward themselves and others. Children who experience frequent criticism may also be more likely to develop anxiety and depression.

In contrast, frequent praise and positive feedback can have positive effects on:

1.     Encouragement: Praise can be a great source of encouragement for children. When you give specific and timely praise, it can motivate them to continue working hard and doing their best.

2.    Self-esteem: Specific and timely praise can also boost children's self-esteem. When they receive positive feedback for their efforts and accomplishments, they feel more confident and capable.

3.    Communication: Praise can be a way to communicate your values and expectations to your children. By praising specific behaviors and actions, you are reinforcing what is important to you and encouraging your children to continue exhibiting those specific behaviors.

Here are the guidelines for giving clear effective praise to your children.

1.    Be specific: Instead of giving general praise like "good job" or "you're so smart," try to be specific about what behaviors or actions you are praising. This helps children understand exactly what they did well and reinforces those specific behaviors. What did they do that made it a good job, what did they do that showed you that they are smart. Notice the verbal and nonverbal behavior and how they handle their emotions and interactions.

2.    Be timely: Try to give praise as soon as possible after the behavior or action occurs. This helps children make an immediate connection between their behavior and the positive feedback they receive.

3.    Be sincere: Children can often tell when praise is insincere or not genuine. Try to give praise that is specific and authentic and reflects your genuine appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments. Make sure your voice and manner aren’t preachy or over the top manner. And don’t sound surprised or say, “Finally you’re doing something right”

4.    Let them know how their “good” behavior has an effect. Tell them how it impacts how you feel and what effect their good behavior has on your home, the family and other people.

5.    Focus on effort: Instead of just praising the end result, focus on the effort that went into achieving that result. This reinforces the idea that hard work and effort are important and valued.

6.    Avoid comparisons: Avoid comparing your children to others when giving praise. This can create an unhealthy sense of competition and can make children feel like they are only valued when they are better than others.

You don’t have to stop criticizing but It's important for parents to find a balance between providing constructive feedback and praise. Constructive feedback can be helpful in helping children learn from their mistakes and improve, but it should be given in a way that is constructive and focuses on the behavior or action, rather than the child as a person. Praise should also be specific and timely, focusing on

Here are specific examples of effective praise.

1.    I noticed how you shared your toy with your friend without being asked. That’s what good friends do, and I was happy to see you share.

2.    I loved how you tried the brussels sprouts for the first time and even asked for seconds. I like it when you are willing to try new fun foods when we have dinner together. It makes our family time happy and adventurous.

3.    I saw how you held the door open for that lady behind us who was having trouble holding her baby and opening the door. That was thoughtful and kind of you.

4.    This morning before school, I heard you practicing your music and it sounded so beautiful. I thought about your playing all day today at work and wanted you to know your hard work is paying off, and I am proud of your progress.

5.    While we are reading this story together, I noticed you ask good questions and show your curiosity about the characters. Your love of learning makes me feel excited about your future.

6.    You are helping me with the dishes without being asked and putting everything away. It shows me how responsible you are, and I am happy and grateful as those are qualities that will serve you well in life and if you do this I can have time some nights to make us a treat. How about popcorn tonight?

7.    During your soccer game I saw how you cheered on your teammates and encouraged them even when things were tough. I could see how your teammates smiled at you. You have a positive effect on them, and your positivity and teamwork make me feel proud.

8.    When we were playing a board game together, I loved how you cheered on your brother and congratulated him each time he did well when granddad won and didn't get upset. Did you see how everyone laughed all night? We had such a good time and your good attitude makes me feel so proud of you.

9.     I saw just now how you used your manners and said please and thank you to the cashier. I saw how it made her perk up and notice you and smile. You showed good manners and respect. I feel grateful to have you as my child.

10. This morning when you woke up and gave me a big hug, it made me feel so loved and happy. Your affection and love for your family make me feel grateful and proud to have you as my child.

 Here is a final story to encourage you to give clear and effective praise to your children.

 Samantha was a single mother of two children, a 7-year-old son named Alex and a 4-year-old daughter named Emily. Samantha often worked long hours and came home exhausted, and she found it hard to deal with the chaos and messiness of having two young children. She often found herself losing her temper and yelling at her children when they misbehaved, which only made things worse.

One day, Samantha came home to find that Alex had spilled a bowl of cereal on the floor and was refusing to clean it up. She was already feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, and she lost her temper, yelling at him and threatening to punish him if he didn't clean up the mess. Alex became defensive and started arguing back, and the situation escalated until both of them were shouting at each other.

After things had calmed down a bit, Samantha realized that her approach wasn't working. She was tired of constantly feeling angry and frustrated, and she could see that it wasn't helping Alex or Emily either. She decided to try a different approach and started looking for ways to catch her children doing things right.

The next day, when Alex came home from school, Samantha noticed that he had put his backpack away neatly and hung up his coat without being asked. She praised him for being responsible and for taking care of his things, and she could see that he was pleased by her positive feedback. Later that day, when Emily shared a toy with her brother instead of fighting over it, Samantha made sure to praise her as well, telling her how proud she was of her for being kind and generous.

Over time, Samantha found that catching her children doing things right was much more effective than constantly criticizing and punishing them. Alex and Emily started to respond to her positive feedback, and they began to behave better and get along more harmoniously. Samantha also felt less stressed and more connected to her children, and she could see that her new approach was making a real difference in their lives.

 

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How I Became A Body Language Expert

By Body Language and Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood. 

Then when I was in fourth grade, my teacher taught us how to write poetry, and I finally had a way of putting what I saw and heard on paper in a way that didn't make people uncomfortable. Once I learned English, I could remember the lyrics of every song I heard after hearing it once, a childhood characteristic of many musicians. I realized my watching world could be safely expressed in poetry and song. Every day from fourth grade until my sophomore year of College, I watched people and wrote about the secret invisible world I saw in poetry and songs. I filled large journals at night and carried small notebooks everywhere I went. I would write while in my sleeping bag at sleepovers, while I dripped dry at pool parties, or stood against the wall at dances. I wrote on the back of church bulletins in the choir loft and sat on the church bus on our youth group trips. I wrote during class, on long car trips, and while lying with my friends on brightly colored beach towels on sunny Florida beaches. I grew up watching and writing, painting the invisible world in words, so what I saw that seemed invisible to others could be seen and understood. I wrote about the glow around happy people, how love lifted your body, meanness made people sharp angular, and sharp-edged, and loss made people look squeezed out and empty.

When I was 15, my sister Jan gave me her old guitar, and I played until I grew calluses on the tips of my fingers, then I played harder. Finally, I took what I saw and sang about it. Sitting on my princess four-poster bed (ordered from the Sears Roebuck catalog), I wrote songs and sang for hours every day.  

During the week, I took drama classes and joined the little theater. My ability to mimic others' body language and take on others' emotions grew. And in between, I read. I devoured three or four books a week. The authors wrote about the lift of an eyebrow and the turn of a head. They must see what I saw, too, I realized. I wondered why poets, songwriters, and authors were the only ones who seemed to be able to talk about it. I read so many books that junior high and high school librarians insisted I become a school library assistant. They all said I had read more books than any other student. I was skinny and stringy-haired. I had braces and large brown-framed glasses. I was an odd, journal-toting, homely little nerd. Because I knew I was a nerd and there was no chance of ever being cool, I embraced my nerdiness.

I stood out in the preppy sea of girls wearing blue skirts, white sailor blouses, and Etienne Aigner belts. I wore bright-colored, hand-made dresses and purposely wore unmatching socks. I didn't smoke in the bathroom, drink at parties, or kiss on dates. I didn't date at all. Instead, I read, and wrote songs and poetry. I was very happy expressing my wild invisible world and was drawn to fun, creative friends, and day after day, I watched.

 

          When I went to College, my journals and notebooks filled a box.

In College, I majored in poetry, was president of the music dorm, and became a little sister to the music fraternity. My destiny was certain. I would move to New York after College and live in Greenwich Village. There I would sit on a stool in smoky coffeehouses and sing my songs. During the day, I would write my lyrics for Broadway shows. But my first poetry class was filled with depressed people. They seemed so lost and lonely. They did not see the world I saw.

I stopped writing. Now I felt lost, too. In my sophomore year, I was looking at the college course catalog and saw an interesting course listed in the speech department. "Oral Interpretation of Poetry." Famous poetry. Other people's poetry. The class was terrific. You gave a speech every week about a poem. The teacher said, "Patti, you are meant to be a speaker, so I signed you up to be my assistant next semester, change your major." I changed my major to interpersonal and organizational communication and was lucky enough to take a nonverbal communication class. As the teacher talked on the first day of class, I had a life-changing Eureka moment. He was talking about what I saw. There was a name for it a language, Nonverbal Communication. This was the secret world I could not seem to explain in anything but poetry and song. As a "watcher," I had been reading people for years, and now I was able to break down into cues that led to my intuitions about people. There was a science for my watching. I could explain it to others, and I could teach people to see what I saw.

I worked as a substance abuse counselor that summer because I thought counseling would be a great way to help others. It was awful. My fellow counselors were admirable, but the clients struggled to recover. My mentor said all of her clients from when she first started as a counselor were cycling back. She was so discouraged she quit. I got all her clients. I listened to the words of my clients as they talked about how they only had two cases of beer or six bottles of wine over the weekend and how their spouses didn't see that beer and wine weren't alcohol. Their words discounted their pain, but I could see it. I could feel it. Their pain soaked into me. Their addiction ate me up as it ate them up. Even though it was a challenging experience, I am grateful I had the opportunity to work as a counselor because it made me realize I wanted to help people prevent that kind of pain. I asked Dr. Clevenger, the Dean of the College of Communication if  I could create a Nonverbal Communication major. He worked with me through independent study so I could find and take all the classes in our College and other departments related to the field. He had me search through the catalogs of Universities across the country to see if anyone offered the major, and we discovered that, at the time, it didn't exist anywhere else. We were both excited that we could create it at Florida State, and he allowed me to create it.

As I worked toward my undergraduate and, eventually, my master's degree and later in my doctoral coursework in Interpersonal Communication, with an emphasis on Nonverbal Communication, I took courses and researched.

In my master's degree program, I studied with Larry Barker, the country's leading guru on nonverbal communication. He was also the author of a book on listening. He had a big shelf in his office of books he had authored or co-authored. I was very nervous the night before my first presentation in his class. I remembered what my boyfriend, a top-selling door-to-door book salesman in the summer, told me. "You're nervous because you rehearse your failure, and what you rehearse, you will play out." So I sat in my office and rehearsed my success. In my mind's eye, I wowed Dr. Barker.

The next day, after my lecture, Dr. Barker said, "You were meant to be a speaker." He got me a gig lecturing to the Alabama Speakers Association. And professors there said, "You were meant to be a speaker." The same sentence grew in power. Why those exact words?

I taught College over the years and got incredible joy being with my students week after week and seeing their curiosity and excitement grow. I felt a genuine obligation to nurture them. What a gift those eleven years of college teaching were. I got to be wild and crazy in the classroom. My college students' short attention spans required that I do things differently. I ran all over the lecture hall and played music thematically tied to my daily lectures. I brought props, played games, blew bubbles, and performed live theater. Each class was a chance to make magic with the students.

Each semester in my nonverbal communication class, I had everyone dress wildly odd for the day, punk, hipster, biker. They had to go all out and dress crazy for a day. That meant my one hundred and fifty students dressed up and went out to the rest of the campus and the town and noticed how people responded, and take notes, and were ready to talk about it in class. My class, with over a hundred students each semester, took over Tallahassee, and Then they came to class dressed in unconventional outfits and discussed it. One semester, one of my students, who usually wore punk all the time, chose to wear a suit and tie that day. He took out all his studs and safety pins, wore a friend's loafers instead of army boots, and dyed his hair from purple to brown. He said it was weird to see how people treated him. He said that he had become antagonistic and cynical because, day after day, people treated him horribly. Now, after going "conservative," he realized that he was creating a hostile world for himself, a place where he could be mad and where he had an excuse to be angry.

Incidents like this inspired me. I was researching everything from sexual harassment and touch in the workplace to mirroring and what makes us liked.

People in the community found out about my college class and asked me to come to speak to their businesses. So then, I started doing training for different branches of law enforcement. If you have ever spoken in front of a tough audience, imagine speaking to a room full of men wearing world-weary expressions and guns.

Dean Clevenger, who helped me create my major as an undergrad, and another Professor, Dr. Ungerieght, head of the Media program, asked me to join a consulting company they were starting. They were two of the finest humans I have ever known. They modeled integrity and treated me with great respect. Then they quickly encouraged me also to start my own so that I could grow my credibility. So I established my own speaking business, Communication Dynamics. Sometimes early in my career, I was discouraged. People did not believe "body language" was a real science. I spent the first eight years of my career convincing my audiences of its validity so they would begin to explore how nonverbal communication could be useful in their lives. I was not always respected in the universities where I taught or by corporations where I spoke. I was the "touchy-feely body language lady." But I kept doing research, writing, speaking, and, of course, watching.

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.