When sending condolence messages, what
should people keep in mind?
Your task is to comfort the grieving.
People who are grieving can feel alone and isolated and communicating with them
can help them feel heard, seen, and supported. Don't let the fear of
saying the wrong thing keep you from communicating. Send a message as soon as
you can, but if time has passed don't be afraid of sending a message later. If
there is a service, you can even bring the card with you. Don't discount
the loss, by saying it was better they went quickly, and don't say it will get
easier, or say it was for the best. All those comments are dismissive and can
be hurtful. When someone is laid bare in grief, they look for and value sincere
messages rather than platitudes.
1. Acknowledge the loss.
Say the name of the deceased. That can be
comforting.
2. Express sympathy,
You can say, "I am sorry."
"I am sorry for your loss" "I'm sorry it's a terrible loss."
"I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Marion." "I know losing
Frank is a terrible loss, and I am so sorry."
3.
Personalize your message.
Share a memory of the lost loved one.
"I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car
together when we went on trips, and I will miss hearing his voice joining with
yours."
"I remember Tom teaching me to sauté
spinach with garlic at the stove in your kitchen." "He loved being in
the kitchen with family and friends, and I will miss him."
If you have never met the person they
lost, you can share a story that they may have shared about them.
"Though I didn't get to meet your
sister, I remember the many stories you shared about your trips together to the
beach and her love of seashells."
"You shared with me the wonderful times you had with Steve while
building your house and how he always had the right tool and good plan."
"I remember you showed me a photo of your daughter and her big
smile as she leaned in close to you."
4. Remind
the bereaved of their strengths and caring.
"You took such good care of Lyn through his long
illness, with all those
Nights in the ER." "You have
shown such strength and courage." "I know
This
loss is huge, and I know you are a strong person."
5. Offer help, but make it specific and
concrete.
Rather than say, "Call me anytime if you want to talk,"
say I would love to talk
to
you when you are ready." "I will text you this week and see if it's a
good
time to talk." Or "I will call
later this week; you don't have to pick up the phone
if
you don't want to."
You
can share three things you want to do for them and ask them which of
those three would be the most beneficial now.
For example, "I can call
you every day this week at 4:00 to check
in, or I can stop by Thursday for a
short 10-minute visit." Or "I
can drop off dinner one night next week for you."
"Which of those would be the best
for you?" "You can ask them if they have a
Caring Bridge set up or a dinner delivery
plan set up so you can join it.
If you are close, open,
and willing to be with them and listen to them, and if they can share their
truth, you can say, "You can share your deep pain with me. It's safe to
tell me how you are feeling."
You can say, "I want to spend time with you, to sit with you, to be
with you, to talk on the phone with you. So let's find a time that's good for
you."
6. End with
something hopeful and or personal.
"I am thinking of you in this time of loss." "You
are in my thoughts as you go through this loss." "I am here whenever
you need me." "I will continue to pray for you and your family."
Does the medium matter? Is it okay to send a text message to
a friend rather than A card in the mail? When in doubt, use all mediums. This
morning I sent a text to a friend who lost her sister two days ago. Yesterday I
messaged her on Facebook since that is how she shared the loss, and we set up a
call via text to talk next week on the phone. Choose the medium through which
THEY like to communicate.
Continue to connect.
If you don't have a
close relationship, it's okay to send a card and let that be it. If it's a
close friend, don't write a condolence card and say to yourself, "Well,
I've taken care of that." If you can and are able, check in a week later
and say you are thinking about them. Check-in on the anniversary of the loss in
a year. Don't be afraid to bring up the lost one's name or trigger the bereaved
person's grief. If the person had a healthy relationship with the person they
lost, they love hearing the lost one's name, sharing memories, or knowing you
still think of their grief and continue to think of the lost loved one.
Sending a message also helps when someone you know is dealing with a loved one with a long-term debilitating illness. When I was in graduate school, my boyfriend at the time was shot in a hunting accident. He survived, but it was touch and go and a long recovery, including painfully learning to walk again. No one wrote to me. My friends and colleagues didn't talk to me about him at all. I know now that they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing.
- If you are unsure of the RIGHT thing to do, you can even say, "I don't know the best thing to say or do, but I care, and I am here for you; please forgive me if I say or do something wrong." Again, your caring makes a difference.
Again a reminder to keep reaching out
Grief can continue for months or even years. So check in
as time passes.
