Make Your Hello and Goodbye Meaningful
As a body language expert, I agree with Therapist
Randi Gunther about the true about the benefits of loving
greetings and goodbyes between couples. She says:
Below is by
Randi Gunther
When anyone you love leaves your presence for any
reason, for any destination or for any period of time, don't ever just casually
say goodbye. As you part, remember in your heart what your relationship means
to you, always remembering that this could be the last time you might see each
other. When you are given the blessing of their return, welcome that
opportunity as the gift it is, another chance to live the relationship as you
want it to become.
If you treat every leaving and greeting ritual
with that kind of treasuring, you will also receive a wonderful bonus. The
conscious intent to treasure saying "goodbye" and "hello"
with the gratitude that should accompany both becomes the foundation for
extending that appreciation to other parts of your relationship. With each
fully appreciated reconnection, you are reminded to recommit to more successful
interactions in the future and to leaving less helpful ones behind.
Below is her
full article.
How You Say 'Hello' And 'Goodbye' -- A Meaningful Way To
Evaluate Your Intimate Relationship By Randi Gunther
Posted: 03/16/2013 7:26 am EDT Updated: 05/16/2013 5:12 am EDT
When you open
the front door to where your 2-year-old awaits your homecoming, you won't have
a chance to put down whatever is in your hands, read the mail, go to the
bathroom, make a phone call or leave the spot at which you are attacked with
voracious affection. That small child doesn't care about anything but full body
contact and feeling secure once more within your arms.
Similarly,
when you separate from that small child, you can expect the same level of
passion, though it is likely to be more of an intense protest. Not having the
understanding or temporal ability to go forward in time, he or she fears you
will never return, and will use every possible tactic to keep you there as long
as possible. The woeful cries you hear are earnest and desperate, as is the
anxiety that accompanies them. In some core place in that child's heart, you
might disappear.
New-love adult
partners have very emotional responses when they gratefully reunite after time
apart or when they must be away from each other for any period of time. Even
though there is a high probability they will see each other again, they know it
is not an absolute certainty. Until they are reconnected and can integrate what
has happened while they were separated, they will stay in each others' presence
until adequately reunited. Distractions and other priorities will wait their
turn.
The intensity
of emotion the partners feel in their connecting and separating rituals also
has great power to heal any problems they may be experiencing in their
relationship. The quality of their attachment when they are away from each other
is mirrored by the renewed value both feel when they reconnect. That important
resource and its accompanying confidence motivate those couples to resolve
their problems as soon as they occur. Most newly-in-love couples cannot even
bear going to sleep with unresolved conflict between them. The small child
still remaining in both of them must be reaffirmed before they can rest.
Unfortunately,
as intimate relationships mature, many partners let these important rituals
diminish or lapse entirely. Couples who once made clear that their sacred,
intimate reconnection and separation experiences were top priority sadly allow
them to diminish in importance. More pressing priorities emerge and many
couples take for granted what they once carefully treasured. Now, at the end of
their day they are more likely to: check emails, return crucial texts, leave
for the gym, attend to family demands, grab a beer or glass of wine, or do
whatever else has now taken precedence.
Even when they
finally do reconnect, couples who once ached for the time they would see each
other again often only have energy left to share their day's most important
frustrations and achievements. Leaving each other at the beginning of a new day
bares a painful, almost impersonal, similarity. Sharing their plans for the
coming day while rushing to meet separate obligations, the partners only have
time to exchange inquiries and reminders of what they must each accomplish
before they see each other again.
Recreating Sacred Attachments
I have
counseled couples of all ages and at every stage of their relationships for
almost four decades. Though most partners come asking for help with
long-standing relationship issues, some are in shock and deep grief when an
unexpected tragedy has struck. The sadness of an irrevocable loss without
warning leaves the other partner shattered and totally unprepared. He or she
must not only suffer the trauma of that event, but also the anguishing regrets
of reconnection opportunities now forever lost. In the depths of sorrow, those
left grieving often ache for just one more chance to say, do, or take back
something they did.
I have often been given the privilege of being included in these sorrowful
moments. Those experiences have given me a gift I may otherwise not have known
as deeply. I have learned to honor and treasure one of life's most precious
existential truths: the guarantee of security is only an illusion and the
future is not predictable. That conscious knowledge inspires me to make the
decision to treasure what is until it is not, and to share that perspective
with my patients who still have each other.
When anyone you love
leaves your presence for any reason, for any destination or for any period of
time, don't ever just casually say goodbye. As you part, remember in your heart
what your relationship means to you, always remembering that this could be the
last time you might see each other. When you are given the blessing of their
return, welcome that opportunity as the gift it is, another chance to live the
relationship as you want it to become.
If you treat every leaving and greeting ritual
with that kind of treasuring, you will also receive a wonderful bonus. The
conscious intent to treasure saying "goodbye" and "hello"
with the gratitude that should accompany both becomes the foundation for
extending that appreciation to other parts of your relationship. With each fully
appreciated reconnection, you are reminded to recommit to more successful
interactions in the future and to leaving less helpful ones behind.
I routinely ask my couples about their separating
and greeting rituals. It is so clear to me now that those couples who have
continued to practice them with the same intimacy and gratitude they felt at
the beginning of their relationship have stayed in love in ways that most
mature couples do not experience. They have never lessened their awareness of
the blessing of having another chance to be together again.
They are also
careful not to undervalue those moments by repetitive, obligatory interactions.
Those automatic, more superficial behaviors can actually create more impersonal
connections. Couples who have not forgotten to treasure the blessing of
continuing their relationship, practice their separation and connection rituals
with the same sincerity and devotion as they did when their love was new. They
have discovered the core wisdom that not only love is precious and that it can be
taken from them at any time, but that being fully present in parting and
reconnecting with their loved ones reconfirms what they mean to each other
while they are still together.
We are not
just the age we are in the present. We are all the ages we've ever been, with
each past moment ready to reemerge when called upon. When you were first in
love, you met and left each other with the same level of passion and enthusiasm
that you hopefully felt as a child when someone you loved with all of your
heart came back into your life. If you can recommit to that same cherishing
enthusiasm you knew then, you will never feel as if times past are more
precious than those you create in the present.
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at
http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
