The Proper Way to Apologize
To Friends, Family, Co-workers and Customers
By Patti
Wood Professional Speaker and Trainer
We all make mistakes. Often
when we have made a mistake we feel uncomfortable dealing with it. You first need to clarify in your mind what went
wrong. Was it a simple error? Did you not realize it at the time, or did you
know and hope you would not get caught? Is it something you feel bad about? Is
it something that is likely to occur again? And think about its effect. Was it
no big deal shoulder shrugs for the person or was it a heartbreaking mistake. You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for? When you examine the mistake follow these rules step-by-step
for an apology that takes the pain out of the process for you and lightens the
pain of the offended party. The best way to apologize is face-to-face with the
person but you can use some of these steps to form an apology letter as well.
Step One - Communicate your apology as soon as possible. Waiting to let
some time pass is a great strategy when you’re a gardener waiting for your
seeds to grow, but delay allows weeds to grow larger in a garden and bad
situations to grow worse in our relationships. Dissonance makes people
uncomfortable, so your friend who is upset with you taking a phone call during
your lunch, or a customer upset that they waited too long will not remember the
good behavior they will emphasize the bad and research shows it will actually
grow in severity in their minds.
Step Two -Let go of your desire to win, be right, or make excuses. The
Myers Briggs Personality test say there are two types of arguers, Thinkers who think the most important
thing in the world is to be right and Feelers
who feel it is the most important thing in the world to be liked. If you’re the
“I want to be liked” person you may avoid apologizing to save embarrassment or
hurting feelings. If you’re the “I am always right” person most of the time it’s
not about winning or losing, it is about keeping and or maintaining a
relationship.
Step Three - apologize. – You can say, “I apologize,” or “I am sorry.”
Or my personal favorite, “I am sorry, I
messed up.”
Step Four - Keep the message clear of “buts” and excuses. In order to sound
professional you must keep your message clear and free of the “buts” So don’t
say, “I’m sorry, but I had to take that
phone call it was really important.”
Stay clear of the blame game. “I
am sorry, but it’s not really my fault, my boss…” You might think, “But sometimes it’s not
my fault.” It doesn’t matter who’s to blame; apologize anyway without
giving an excuse. If you’re apologizing to a customer you know you are a
representative of your company and therefore you have a responsibility to see
that things go well. In all your relationships your willingness to be accountable
will insure that you are seen as a responsible, mature individual. If you start making excuses, you may start an
argument. If you choose to be agreeable an argument is not possible.
Step Five - If there is an excuse use this magic phrasing. “I am sorry, I messed up, there is a reason
and I would like to talk to you about it at some point but the most important
thing for you to know now is that I am sorry.” If the person is calm and rational they will
immediately ask you the reason. If they are emotional, angry and upset, they
are not ready to hear it and have a discussion about it, and could probably
care less, but you have left an opening to talk about it later if you need to. If
you absolutely must make an excuse right now for goodness sakes make the excuse
briefer than your apology and whether writing an excuse or giving it face-to-face,
follow it with another statement of apology.
Step Six - Make sure your voice, facial expressions and body language are
sending the same message as your words. If you are not feeling respectful, your
tone will tell the tale. When your word message and your nonverbal message
disagree, people will always believe your nonverbal message is the true message
that comments your honest emotions. If your voice is sarcastic in your message
you are wasting your breath to apologize. You must apologize with complete
sincerity without any subtle eye- rolls or exasperated looks or even looking
away slightly. Anybody who has a teenager in their home knows the difference
between a smart mouth apology and a real apology.
Step Seven - Sympathize. This is especially important if the person is
emotional. If someone is emotional they will keep emoting till they feel heard
and understood. Case in point, an angry customer will get angrier until they
know you get their pain. Empathize. Let
the person know that you can identify with his feelings. For example, “I understand you’re very frustrated about
receiving a faulty product or poor service. I would be frustrated to.” When someone feels heard they don’t have to
keep talking! Their feelings have been validated. You can also assure them that
you did not mean them harm. For example, “I
did not mean to offend you with that comment.”
Step Eight - Accept responsibility for the situation. You’re an adult. You
cannot blame mommy. Be accountable. If you’re not going to be accountable do
not apologize just to say you did. If
you are willing let the person know that you intend to do whatever it takes to
make things right. You can’t help what has already happened, but you will come
up with a solution to the problem. Or if you’re in a business situation you
will find someone who can. When I suggest you take responsibility I mean, you
accept it. Do not say, “We are sorry.”
Instead say, “I am sorry.”
Step Nine
- Show your regret. Just as I said people will complain till they see you get
there pain, some people will not fully accept an apology unless they know you
have suffered too. I don’t mean that meanly, just know that pain for pain can
make a conflict disappear. Come right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. “I
felt bad the minute I said that. I'm ashamed of myself.”
Step Ten - Take
the heat. This is the toughest part. After you say you’re sorry you need to
stop and listen to hear the person share their pain and anger.
Step Eleven - Repair
the damage.
To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged someone's
property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask “What can I
do to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the
offer must be sincere. “I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future.
Meantime, let me buy you a cup of coffee. “Another way to repair the damage
is to send a note or a small gift.
Step Twelve - Take action. For your apology to be complete you need to do
something to repair or fix the injury. Decide what you can do and tell the
person. If you won’t be late next time, if you will no longer take cell
phone calls at dinner, if you will replace the defective or incorrect product
as quickly as possible. Try to avoid the word “try” in your repair step. I have
a pet peeve about the word try. I think it makes the user sound like a
teenager, “I’ll try not to be late.” Sounds in a teenage vernacular, lame. If
you don’t know what to do, if there is nothing obviously concrete for you to do
or you’re not sure what you thought of is enough ask, “What can I do to make this up to you.” If you’re dealing with a
customer, you can offer a bonus of some sort or waive fees if possible. It doesn’t
hurt to offer friends and family a bonus as well.
Following these steps
can soften a hurt. And know that it never hurts to send flowers!!
Patti Wood, MA, The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
