What is Malignant Narcissistic Hoovering and How Can You Deal With it?
By Body Language and Relationship Expert Patti
Wood from her book and speech
Hoovering is a technique with a wide set of varying
behaviors a malignant narcissist uses to suck you back into their influence and
gameplaying.
Malignant Narcissists are said to have a
different reward system in their brains. Most people like a moderate amount of positive
attention and work not to receive negative attention such as criticism and
anger.
Malignant Narcissists are insatiable. They have
a dark void and never-ending need for attention and if they don’t get positive attention,
they will seek negative attention. Just as a drug addict needs their supply of drugs,
MC needs their narcissist supply, they need it to not fall into what feels to them a dark void of nothingness. Their self-esteem and their very existence
depend on that supply.
People they can control, and influence
provide their first supply source, and then also people they can say and show
as being connected to.
Secondary supply includes economic safety, group
acceptance, status, and visible success factors like a high-level job title,
big house, or boat/yacht.
When they need a supply, and can’t get it or
get enough of it from their current people under their control, say for example
if a girlfriend breaks up with them, or they are out of town and feel lonely,
they will go down their list of past controlled contacts and try to hoover them
back in.
Hoovering can include everything from
suddenly showing up at your door, to a simple out-of-blue, “Haven’t heard from
you in a while.” Text. sending cards and gifts, to middle-of-the-night drunken phone
call pleadings that can also turn into vicious threats and ranting attacks.
One of the ways to look at a potential Hoovering behavior to tell if it’s a sign that you are being targeted is to see or hear
their behavior and check in with how it makes you feel. If your gut doesn’t
like it, it’s hoovering, and you need to avoid being sucked in. Or if you feel
overly elevated and overwhelmed by a love bomb Hoover attempt, check in with
yourself and think how you felt at your worst with them. I recommend you write
down all the bad things that happened when you were in their sphere of
influence to remind yourself. MNs are master persuaders. They may woo and
flatter, they may threaten, they may appeal to you by saying things like made a
mistake, or I realize now I am lost without it. Whether your MN was a romantic
partner, a relative, or an old boss they may try to lure you back into the “fairytale”
of what was or what you hoped it would be.
Remember a MN does not care about you. They
just remember you were a source of supply. It doesn’t matter how they hurt you
in the past. It's all about what they need from you. They feel like it's their
right to seek supply from you because you gave it to them at one time. Even if
they got supply from abusing you, attacking you, assassinating your character, and
other more horrible behaviors they will get out the hoover and come for you.
How you deal with hoovering should be monitored
by the fact that they will keep coming back till they continue to get absolutely
nothing from you.
Two
factors that can help them stay away and not seek contact.
1. You
must make sure they no longer get any “supply” from you. That means don’t
respond, or if you are face to face or on the phone and can’t break the
contact, be boring, have an emotionless voice and body language be bland. Don’t
share anything about yourself and how you feel.
2. You
have to hope are fed by lots of other people and sources of supply so they
don’t cycle back to you as a formally reliable supply source. So, if your ex
has a new gal, as much as you may fear for her future, her as a source of
supply may keep him from hurting you. If a coworker is now getting his or her
anger, that coworker is supply and not you.
3. You
have to hope they won’t keep playing with you at a distance with actions like
smear campaigns, name-calling, and damaging your other relationships as that
can continue to feed them so they continue to feel connected and in contact and
or you need to not care or give any energy to these actions they do to stay
connected.
