I was analyzing the security footage from a bar, analyzing everyone’s verbal and nonverbal behavior before during, and after and deadly fight to see if I could help a suspect in a murder trial. I saw the signals that preceded the fight wishing I could have done a workshop with the staff. I watched the video of a group of young friends trying to talk a very drunk Paul Murdaugh from driving the boat they were all about to get in. They were young people dealing with a violent drunk friend and even though they had a nickname, Timothy for his personality when he was a raging drunk, he had money power, and charm and they didn't know how to deal with the violence and danger he created. I wished I could have been at their college and talked to their student body to warn them and give them options that would have saved Mallory’s life and them all from so much pain.
I consult with Fortune 500 clients as well as public-facing small business owners such as amusement park owners and restaurant owners on threat assessment and what to do. If you are in a dangerous situation, pay attention to your body. Your central nervous system may go into FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL/FAINT or Friend RESPONSE very quickly. So, take a deep breath. Check-in with your body to see what’s happening so you can self-comfort and calm down before you act, and know sometimes the best action is to get away from the dangerous person and protect yourself.
What if in a scary situation and the scary person is drunk? The basic rule is it's almost impossible to reason with a drunk person. I recommend you get away from them. Move slowly but get away. If they are a friend and or a family member and you are trying to deal with them and you can’t get away, know they may escalate to fighting. State what you want and need clearly and calmly and don’t back down. For example, say, “It’s not safe for you to drive and I am not getting in the car with you. Hand me the keys” They may charm, resist, or fight you verbally. Don’t back down, but don’t be aggressive. Calmly state your boundary. If they don’t comply. State the consequences, If you don’t hand me, the keys, I am….” Many times you cannot reason with someone drunk. Dangerously angry people and drunk people are often the exceptions to the rule that healthy non-threatening communication can de-escalate a conflict and produce positive results. I teach threat and risk assessment as well as conflict management and I suggest to my clients that sometimes walking away is the best option. In the bar footage I viewed for th murder trial, the man initially walked away, but he didn’t leave the bar, and when he came back the situation had not de-escalated. I wish Morgan Doughty, along with Connor Cook, Miley Altman, Anthony Cook, and Mallory Beach had walked away before that horrible accident.
What if they are not drunk but are argumentative or combative? First, assess your risk and the likelihood the person is willing and able to listen and create a positive outcome. Watch their body language and listen to their voice. Are they in the stress response? Are you afraid? If they seem like will and can listen, you can make a calm reasonable non-threatening request. I highly recommend you show the palms of your hands, in an upward direction at your waist level. Keep your voice level and calm, make eye contact but don't glare or stare. If you are making a soft request you can briefly tilt your head. If you want to make a strong request keep your head level.
Here are aggressive/about-to-strike behaviors to look for that indicate immediate threat and risk. Danger Signals that Someone Is About to Attack.
1. Jaw thrust also known as the chin jut or jaw clenching. The person grits their teeth and juts their jaw forward indicating they want you to back down or they will take you down.
2. Nostril Flaring or Wing Dilation- the outer lobes flare out so you get more oxygen and you have the energy to fight.
3. Pressed Tight Lips or Even Hidden Lips
4. Chest Puff - Attempt to get Bigger to look threatening and Imposing.
5. Pupil Dilation - So they can see what's going on.
6. Lowered Brow often with a forward head tilt - to show dominance, a bid to power. Saying back down and doing what I want or else.
7. Teeth licking- Licking the teeth preparing the teeth to bite.
8. Blading -Moving your body so only the side shows.- an action to put the shoulder and arm in a position to fight and protect most of your vital organs.
9. Tightened Muscles - This is a way of creating a muscular shield to protect your vital organs and increase blood flow to the limbs to prepare them for fighting.
9. Tightened Muscles - This is a way of creating a muscular shield to protect your vital organs and increase blood flow to the limbs to prepare them for fighting.
10. Clenched Fist -It may include tightening the hand into a fist and or tightening and flexing the hands.
11. Foot Stomping. Often seen in children. You may have seen movies where horses, toss back and raise their heads, thrust out their chins then stomp.
12. Eye Narrowing. Eye muscles tighten- The ocular orbital muscles around the eye tighten.
13. One leg up/ arm out and over the leg or arm on your chair. Claiming ownership. Alpha signaling.
14. Rattling/Shaking/Growling. You see it as a stress response in dogs and humans it's also a stress response and can indicate they are stressed and ready to fight or in fight mode, it can be accompanied by other fight behaviors like touching or shoving.
First, establish commonality, “I know you want to have a comfortable and enjoyable flight and I do too.” State their specific behavior from their perspective and show empathy, “I can see that you are very unhappy.” Then state the issue, “Your raised voice and upset demeanor are making me uncomfortable.” “So that we can both have better flight could you bring down your voice and calmly deal with your issues?” Thank them if they do so.
