By Patti Wood
- When we see
our loved ones suffer, in pain, frustrated, and sometimes angry at
themselves, their doctors, and the world. And we feel guilty that we are
well. That we are not in pain, that we can walk and move and be out in the
world, and in the case of a terminally ill loved one that we will live.
When I was taking care of my best friend when he was dying I felt guilty
sharing the fun silly thing I was doing out in the world. We were both 29
at the time and I knew he would never dance again, never eat Wendy’s
chicken sandwich again, and not live to turn 30.
- When I was
taking care of my boyfriend who was shot in a hunting accident I felt such
guilt that I was not hurt and in pain, I only had fun when visiting with
him and felt depressed and isolated myself from fun. I was only 21 and didn’t
know how to process my caregiver guilt.
- We also
feel guilty that we may not be good enough caretakers and that we are not
doing everything we can do. That we might make a mistake. When I was
taking care of my best friend I read everything about his illness and the
medications and talked with the doctors and nurses and was hyper-vigilant
with every medication and every dosage through his drip and felt guilty if
I was in his hospital room when the doctor came because I was at work. When later I was engaged to a man who had
cystic fibrosis I again became hyper-vigilant, and again felt guilty that
I was not critically ill and at risk of death, but I grew to realize that
that was a toxic bond to have with a loved one.
- Sometimes
we learn from our caretaker experience. Many years later I had a boyfriend
and I broke up with him. The next day he showed up at my house, wearing
his piolet uniform as he was about to go pick up a private plane for a client.
He wanted to get back together, I said no but we went to breakfast and when
he dropped me back at my house he had a stroke, long story, but he and his
doctors said I saved his life. Once I got him brain trauma ICU and his family
was there and his other girlfriends were there. (Oh yeah a lot of discoveries.)
I realized I didn’t need to take care of him, and I felt no guilt about abdicating
that responsibility. That came from my other experiences.
5) Sometimes we feel guilty because we are not perfect,
we are not saints. I have a friend who still feels guilty that while taking
care of her ex after he had a debilitating stroke, she was sometimes mean and
yelled at him. Even though she gave up most of her wonderful healthy single life
and moved in with them for 24-hour care, fed him changed his diapers, and lived
again with his toxic manipulation and had to take care of his financial
mistakes as well, and all the results of his irresponsible self-care, lack of
financial responsibility, lack of healthy relationships with his family and
friends that left him with no one else to take care of him.
