What Can
You Do If Someone Says Something to You
That Reveals
They Have
The Wrong Impression Of You?
You're talking to
someone a co-worker, or perhaps your boss and they say something about you that
isn't true about you at all. What do you do in that moment to
correct his or her misperception of you? Perhaps a mistaken impression is
shared with you during your performance review, or in passing in an office
conversation or meeting. Your boss or co-worker might get the wrong idea about
your personality, sense of humor, interests, performance, your work or life
goals or other things about you. What can you say in the moment or if you are
too surprised to correct it in the moment, what is the best way to go back and
set the record straight? These ideas are adapted from my book "The
Conflict Cure"
Sometimes you are
sure they aren't accurate and sometimes you need clarification. I
recommend, if you don't know how they came to that impression, you start by
asking for more information.
REQUEST MORE INFORMATION
Sometimes
you don’t know why someone has that mistaken impression. You can't disagree or
change your behavior without clarity. Ask for the details or a specific
explanation of why he or she has that impression of you.
Start
your statements with a "SOFTNER" statement that takes out any
hostility from your request. You might try, "I need your help to
understand..." or "Can you help me understand....?" or "I
really want to understand what you’re saying...." Then follow with one of
these statements.
Examples:
- “What
specifically have I done that makes you feel that way?”
- “Can you give me
a specific time in the last three weeks that I did this?"
- “Can you share a
specific behavior of mine that you saw recently that led you to
feel that way?”
- “Can you share
an example of my behavior that fits that impression?
If
you didn't know you did that and can now see why they feel that way,
admit it. If you discover why they came to the wrong conclusion about you,
you can correct it by using the “disagree” script.
DISAGREE
Without
making the other person wrong. You want to clarify and change their impression
not start an argument, so speak in an even neutral tone. Ideally you want to
calmly repeat what they have said first, to let them know you heard and
understood it before you disagree. Make sure you use their words, don't
elaborate or extrapolate. Repeating puts you on even ground with them.
Otherwise they may say, "You misheard me."
Examples:
- "That
surprises me, you feel that...." "That is different than my
intention I feel that I....."
- “You feel…about
me, I disagree I feel…”
- “I think you
have the impression that….but I would like share that I have
done….that shows I am actually…..”
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
