Santorm On CPR Comments ... Santorum Did Not Apologize... How To Make A Good Apology

Link to article
https://www.politico.com/story/2018/03/28/rick-santorum-cpr-response-489635?cid=apn

As you know I am a Media coach and prep executives for their media interviews and I analyze apology statements for the media. This is NOT an apology statement. He uses a deception technique of changing the definition of a softer word “misspoke” in stead of saying he made a mistake.

So he uses an inappropriate term to describe his actions. “ I misspoke using the term CPR... I should have talked about school security.” That is not misspeaking. He knows what CPR means and he was telling teenagers to learn to do it, and use it on their friends to deal with their gunshot wounds.

He should have said but didn’t.

“I messed up, I should not have said that teenagers should learn CPR and use it on gun shot victims."
 "I realize now that would be absurd, and I apologize for saying it." Then if he felt like making another point he should have said what I feel strongly about is that we need to make our schools safer with stronger security to guard our children." 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Group Narcissism. What Is Group Narcissism? How A Group Can Tolerate A Narcissist In Their Midst

Group Narcissism or Collective Narcissism

As many of you know as a body language expert. I write and speak to my corporate clients about  honesty, integrity and credibility as well as deception, narcissism and psychopathology. I am working on a chapter in my book on how people respond and interact to the "dark triad behaviors like Malignant Narcissism and it struck me that most people don't understand how a group can tolerate a Narcissist in their midst. Someone they know is "crazy" and has done harm. How can it happen?

Are greatest fear is rejection of our tribe. We fear death, we fear snakes, we fear public speaking but, our greatest fear is not to die, but to die alone, outcast from our tribe.That fear can make some people stay in tribe even if they see that the tribe and or one or more of its members are unhealthy. An it can make people who would be outcast from other groups band together. Narcissist are fed by good highly empathetic people, but they also can be drawn to other narcissists so they feel like they are with "their people."

In group narcissism we see a unquestioning loyalty and admiration for the group and its ideals.
Its the unquestioning aspect that is dangerous. They also can have an intense energy in the persecution of any person who questions the authority and or ideals of the group.
The group will do anything, ignore any bad behavior of their fellow narcissists, give a fellow tribe member a pass and then another pass, even normalize bullying, yelling, crazy, abusive and even dangerous behavior. They will defend one of their own kind, for fear of losing the group. They will even attack any innocent person or persons who threatens the group status quo. 
The group is their breath, their life, their sustenance, their "supply."  No one is safe from the pathology of the group, as happened after the horrific Parkland shooting, they will even attack the character of children, and threaten then with harm. 

Eric Fromm the social physiologist and philosopher and author (I read his incredible book about love in high school) explains in his research on group narcissism that   “..[an] individual narcissists, who is out on his own, comparing himself to normal people may see he lacks a moral core, unless he is mentally very sick, he may have at least some doubts about his personal narcissistic image. But, if he joins a group that has other narcissists, he has none, since his narcissism is shared by the majority” (ibid., p.204). If they are themselves narcissists they are in the presence of other narcissists, who reflect back “like” behaviors so they don't see their dark selves. In the group they are whole and belong.  They don't have to face the possible problems with their own behavior, they can say, "All my friends are doing it so it cant be bad." They normalize bad behavior. 

If they do see damage in other tribe members it may only serve to make them feel superior in that group members presence.  In fact their very acceptance of the dark damage in their fellow tribe members can make them think they are a good people.(Think of the case where the congregation accepted a apology of their minister who assaulted another member of the congregation when he had not apologized to her or suffered any consequences for his attack.) If you are in a narcissistic group you you  don’t consider the fact that in a healthy group dark damage behaviors are called out as unacceptable and anyone who does something wrong is called out! 

They feed each other giving each other narcissistic supply, and if they loose members they will just seek out new supply, some just like them, and others who are their best supply, their opposites who have real emotions the "Empaths" who are honest trusting people that the group can use and abuse.

Narcissists love the "supply" being in a group gives them. "...it works as protection and amplification of their own narcissism." Fromm says that, "One would expect the narcissist to be ‘above’ such social conformity, but, actually, this often represents a stepping up of his pathology. It is also gratifying to the weak and untalented narcissist since he becomes a giant by belonging to the group."

Mats L Winther says, "The group members are often mistaken for nice fellows, who are socially mature and respectful towards other people. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is a chimera. Such people are only providing for their own narcissism by way of reflection in the group. Scratch on the surface, and a nasty intolerance appears.” Many psychologists tend to view the social group as an ideal for the individual to attain. The true ideal is to belong to a healthy group filled with loving honest caring people.

Think of it this way. Marriage is also an deal, and there are unhealthful abusive marriages, in which an abusive spouse inside it may brag about his great marriage and gain social status from being "in" a marriage. In the same way, there are group members, who brag about being in a group that is in fact toxic. Fromm has labeled this pathological version of social life called group narcissism. So if you have read this far, you may get a greater understanding of why some political party members may cling to their group memberships, some cult members may cling to their cult and some people may belong to a church, a work group or social group that treats people badly.

So what can you do? First think of your place in your tribe, look to the left and look to the right then look at yourself. What destructive behaviors are you allowing? Emphasis on negative topics, and people, constant complaining without actions, anger mongering, shouting, shutting people down, bullying, gossiping, name calling, sexual discrimination, judging, smearing and assassinating of peoples characters behind their back and to their face. What do you think is ok? And if you, like I do now, look to the left and look in the right and look in the mirror and see kindness be grateful.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

The Proper Way to Apologize To Friends, Family, Co-workers and Customers

The Proper Way to Apologize

To Friends, Family, Co-workers and Customers

By Patti Wood Professional Speaker and Trainer

We all make mistakes. Often when we have made a mistake we feel uncomfortable dealing with it.  You first need to clarify in your mind what went wrong. Was it a simple error? Did you not realize it at the time, or did you know and hope you would not get caught? Is it something you feel bad about? Is it something that is likely to occur again? And think about its effect. Was it no big deal shoulder shrugs for the person or was it a heartbreaking mistake. You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for?  When you examine the mistake follow these rules step-by-step for an apology that takes the pain out of the process for you and lightens the pain of the offended party. The best way to apologize is face-to-face with the person but you can use some of these steps to form an apology letter as well.

Step One - Communicate your apology as soon as possible. Waiting to let some time pass is a great strategy when you’re a gardener waiting for your seeds to grow, but delay allows weeds to grow larger in a garden and bad situations to grow worse in our relationships. Dissonance makes people uncomfortable, so your friend who is upset with you taking a phone call during your lunch, or a customer upset that they waited too long will not remember the good behavior they will emphasize the bad and research shows it will actually grow in severity in their minds.

Step Two -Let go of your desire to win, be right, or make excuses. The Myers Briggs Personality test say there are two types of arguers, Thinkers who think the most important thing in the world is to be right and Feelers who feel it is the most important thing in the world to be liked. If you’re the “I want to be liked” person you may avoid apologizing to save embarrassment or hurting feelings. If you’re the “I am always right” person most of the time it’s not about winning or losing, it is about keeping and or maintaining a relationship.

Step Three - apologize. – You can say, “I apologize,” or “I am sorry.” Or my personal favorite, “I am sorry, I messed up.”

Step Four - Keep the message clear of “buts” and excuses. In order to sound professional you must keep your message clear and free of the “buts” So don’t say, “I’m sorry, but I had to take that phone call it was really important.”  Stay clear of the blame game. “I am sorry, but it’s not really my fault, my boss…”  You might think, “But sometimes it’s not my fault.”  It doesn’t matter who’s to blame; apologize anyway without giving an excuse. If you’re apologizing to a customer you know you are a representative of your company and therefore you have a responsibility to see that things go well. In all your relationships your willingness to be accountable will insure that you are seen as a responsible, mature individual.  If you start making excuses, you may start an argument. If you choose to be agreeable an argument is not possible.

Step Five - If there is an excuse use this magic phrasing. “I am sorry, I messed up, there is a reason and I would like to talk to you about it at some point but the most important thing for you to know now is that I am sorry.”  If the person is calm and rational they will immediately ask you the reason. If they are emotional, angry and upset, they are not ready to hear it and have a discussion about it, and could probably care less, but you have left an opening to talk about it later if you need to. If you absolutely must make an excuse right now for goodness sakes make the excuse briefer than your apology and whether writing an excuse or giving it face-to-face, follow it with another statement of apology.

Step Six - Make sure your voice, facial expressions and body language are sending the same message as your words. If you are not feeling respectful, your tone will tell the tale. When your word message and your nonverbal message disagree, people will always believe your nonverbal message is the true message that comments your honest emotions. If your voice is sarcastic in your message you are wasting your breath to apologize. You must apologize with complete sincerity without any subtle eye- rolls or exasperated looks or even looking away slightly. Anybody who has a teenager in their home knows the difference between a smart mouth apology and a real apology.

Step Seven - Sympathize. This is especially important if the person is emotional. If someone is emotional they will keep emoting till they feel heard and understood. Case in point, an angry customer will get angrier until they know you get their pain. Empathize.  Let the person know that you can identify with his feelings.  For example, “I understand you’re very frustrated about receiving a faulty product or poor service.  I would be frustrated to.”  When someone feels heard they don’t have to keep talking! Their feelings have been validated. You can also assure them that you did not mean them harm. For example, “I did not mean to offend you with that comment.”

Step Eight - Accept responsibility for the situation. You’re an adult. You cannot blame mommy. Be accountable. If you’re not going to be accountable do not apologize just to say you did.  If you are willing let the person know that you intend to do whatever it takes to make things right. You can’t help what has already happened, but you will come up with a solution to the problem. Or if you’re in a business situation you will find someone who can. When I suggest you take responsibility I mean, you accept it. Do not say, “We are sorry.” Instead say, “I am sorry.”

Step Nine - Show your regret. Just as I said people will complain till they see you get there pain, some people will not fully accept an apology unless they know you have suffered too. I don’t mean that meanly, just know that pain for pain can make a conflict disappear. Come right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. “I felt bad the minute I said that. I'm ashamed of myself.”

Step Ten - Take the heat. This is the toughest part. After you say you’re sorry you need to stop and listen to hear the person share their pain and anger.

Step Eleven - Repair the damage. To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged someone's property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask “What can I do to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the offer must be sincere. “I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future. Meantime, let me buy you a cup of coffee. “Another way to repair the damage is to send a note or a small gift.

Step Twelve - Take action. For your apology to be complete you need to do something to repair or fix the injury. Decide what you can do and tell the person. If you won’t be late next time, if you will no longer take cell phone calls at dinner, if you will replace the defective or incorrect product as quickly as possible. Try to avoid the word “try” in your repair step. I have a pet peeve about the word try. I think it makes the user sound like a teenager, “I’ll try not to be late.” Sounds in a teenage vernacular, lame.  If you don’t know what to do, if there is nothing obviously concrete for you to do or you’re not sure what you thought of is enough ask, “What can I do to make this up to you.” If you’re dealing with a customer, you can offer a bonus of some sort or waive fees if possible. It doesn’t hurt to offer friends and family a bonus as well.

Following these steps can soften a hurt. And know that it never hurts to send flowers!!

Patti Wood, MA, The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.