Trump's Body Language, Hugging and Hugs Denied and the Meaning of the Man Hug

When does a hug become performative, or a power play? (i.e. the Comey handshake) There is a man hug ( see excerpt from my book SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma below. That is a sign of affection. This is not a man hug. Trump patted him ever so briefly broke the handshake (the man hug extends it and the hand on the back or shoulder brings the person in close and it lingers) and whispered to him so Comey had to bend down to Trump. Trump broke the handshake with the pat making the he pat was an power play, a top down admonishment.

- Why would Trump go in for an unwanted hug even when the spotlight's not on him? Some huggers where raised to be huggers based on their culture and or their family. Some huggers are expression their personality by always hugging.  Some  people who are huggers don’t feel connected or that they have fully expressed themselves  until they hug. Their hug is part of their identity, and may even create for them a unique moment or marker in their interactions.  I study and teach body language and personality assessment. The extroverted huggers in my audiences over the years say, “I am a hugger!” “If someone doesn’t want to hug, I make them!” I think it may feel like a win to some huggers, while others feel like they are able to give their affection in hug and set the tone. Some report, she didn’t want that hug, but then she gave in!” It’s a very interesting mixture of power and warmth. Remember Trump refused to shake hands for years. Look at the old news stories on his anti handshake days. Back then he gained power by not shaking hands as a handshake is an agreement to start the interaction unarmed.

What's the meaning of a hug denied, from the rejected hugger's point of view? Thinking of the instance at NATO when Macron seems to deny Trump's open arms. This instance is interesting for several reasons. As you watch Macron is seen walking on the far left towards Trump, then he veers over to shake hands with her. Some have shared that it was women first etiquette, but he veered so far left it looks like purposeful game of “fake you out!”, meant to unsettle Trump the way he tried to unsettle Macron with that, “I am not letting go” handshake on Macron’s visit to the us.  It’s a snub and we see a mircrofacial cue of anger by Trump in response, his lips press together and his eyes narrow tightly and his check and chin muscles tighten

- In your opinion, do you think these hugs are purely about power, or might he genuinely crave physical connection.   It varies, from person to person and it can also serve both functions for some people. 

.” I first noticed the man hug being exchanged by the male athletes in my communication classes at Auburn University. The young men would see a fellow athlete in the hallway or on the campus green and want to give a hug of warmth and friendship, but they were out in public view. People were watching. So they would give a combination handshake-hug. In the handshake-hug, the men first stick out one hand for a handshake and then, with their right hands locked in the handshake (to keep the two participants from getting too close), each wraps his left arm around the other’s shoulder and hugs. The two men hug with only their upper bodies touching and their lower torsos held out and away. Finally, to insure that no one can misconstrue this partial hug as a sissy move, each takes the hand that he briefly held against the other’s back and pounds hard three or four times.

In fact, you could tell if the men were close buddies. They would strike each other harder, just to show how much they cared! Men showing affection through hitting says, “I love you, guy, but not that way.” Unlike the traditional hug, which symbolically and effectively brings people into the intimate zone of space, removes barriers, and unites the two persons embracing, this pounding hug brings only the upper torso into intimate proximity of less than 14 inches. The two extended right arms block any symbolic joining of the two bodies. The aggressive act of striking the back insures that each man knows the other is still a testosterone-rich, card-carrying member of the “man club.”

The man hug, or pound hug, is exclusively performed between two males. It also goes by other names, including “pound shake, dude hug, shug, or the bro hug. It’s a greeting or parting ritual that demonstrates a certain level of intimacy typically reserved for close friends and family.

While the different names for the man hug have entered the lexicon, the meaning of the hug has expanded to cover other things as well. Men can now “hug it out” in other circumstances. First heard by the masses in an episode of Friends on TV, the phrase hug it out means that one person gives another (usually a male) a pound hug to help the man get through a difficult or sad situation. Instead of being a spontaneous show of affection, this hug is preceded by a request for permission before it is given. So the exchange sounds something like this:

Person 1: “Man, my girlfriend just dumped me.”

Person 2: “Do you wanna hug it out?”

In an episode of Entourage, two of the guys were in a screaming argument on an elevator. Once the doors opened and they were in public view, one guy turned to the other and said, “Wanna hug it out?” In this use, the pound hug, preceded by the phrase “Wanna hug it out” means: “Hey, we were arguing, but now that we are in public, let’s show we are friends for now. Then we can continue this later in private.” The phrase “Lets hug it out, @#$#,” means “Let’s be friends again” after an argument, or when one man feels he has insulted another.

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What to do about an Awkward Hug

http://lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/10/12601268-awkward-how-a-workplace-hug-can-By Allison Linn

James Lee was having a friendly chat with the president of the university where he works when it happened to him: The awkward co-worker hug.

Lee, 44, and the university president were at a fundraising event, and Lee realized that there were other people waiting to talk to them. Forgetting for a moment that this was a professional and not a personal context, Lee went in for the hug instead of the handshake.

He can still recall in vivid detail what happened next.

“It was a long moment for me because halfway in, I realized what was about to happen. At that point, however, my body had already hit his outstretched arm that was expecting a handshake, and I knew that I couldn't call it off. I completed the awkward, inappropriate embrace,” he wrote in an e-mail.

Mortified, Lee found the nearest exit and made his escape.

In today’s casual office environment, where people wear shorts and flip-flops to work and are encouraged to bond with the boss at happy hour or other after-hours events, it can be hard to know whether to hug or not to hug.

“You usually don’t see in the code of conduct, ‘No hugging,’” said Pamela Eyring, president of The Protocol School of Washington, which offers business etiquette training. “So it makes the lines very blurred.”

Most office etiquette experts say that generally, an arms-off policy is best. And yet, most admit that they too have been in a situation where they’ve either given, or received, an awkward co-worker hug.

Lee, a sociology professor at San Jose State University, said the 2011 episode with his university’s president still embarrasses him. He thinks it’s partly because he’s openly gay, and he worried that the hug would be misinterpreted by others at the event.

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After the incident, Lee only saw the university president once more before he retired.

“He came over and he stuck his hand out,” Lee said. “We shook hands, we talked.”

Etiquette and protocol trainer Rachel Wagner knows how Lee feels. She, too, recalls a social event where she was talking to a colleague and, in a sudden burst of joviality, hugged the woman.

“It just happened, like, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m hugging,'” she said.

Almost immediately, Wagner realized she shouldn’t have hugged that person. But she never said anything, and the incident blew over.

The social trick of just pretending something didn’t happen often works best in such situations. If you do feel the need to address it, do so quickly and with humor, experts advise.

“A self-deprecating confession can make a world of difference,” said Jim Webber, who provides workplace training on preventing harassment and runs an advice blog called Evil Skippy at Work.

Webber says there are times when a hug at work is appropriate, such as when someone has just received terrible personal news or gotten word they have been laid off.

But even then there are ground rules.

For one, he says, you should think of the office hug like fishing: “Hug and release.”

“You should not be able to have a conversation at work while I hug you,” he said.

Also, your fingers should not move during the hug.

A hug can quickly turn inappropriate if it feels like the person is using it to gain power or bully other employees. Webber recalled one situation where a male employee was hugging female employees for just a little too long and with a smirk in his eyes. Asked about it, Webber said the man said that if the “little ladies” didn’t like it, all they had to do was tell him.

In another incident, he said, a female employee told male co-workers, “I’m just a cougar, give me a hug!” When one objected, Webber said she told him to “take it like a man.”

Even well-meaning hugs can make some people feel uncomfortable.

“Most of us don’t want that intimacy with our co-workers. We have to be with them 40 hours a week. We don’t want to hug them, too,” Webber said.

(Webber himself is not a hugger, although he’s had the equally mortifying experience of accidentally saying, “Bye-bye, sweetie” or “I love you” to a client when ending a phone conversation.)

An errant hug is generally not going to be enough to prompt a harassment complaint. Carol Miaskoff, assistant legal counsel for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, said the line would be crossed if there was a clear and pervasive pattern of unwanted physical attention.

Still, it can be complicated, especially in workplaces where there’s a culture of hugging and affection. Her advice: If you don’t like hugging, make sure you are clear about it.

“A clear dividing line is if someone says, ‘Don’t hug me,’” she said.

Part of the issue is that American workplaces tend to be more casual than in most countries, and the lines between work and personal life are often blurred by everything from office romances to friending on Facebook.

“We’re a very casual nation, but there are still work environments that are very formal,” said Eyring, of the Protocol School of Washington.

Eyring said whether or not to hug also depends on where you are.

For example, she said a colleague visiting from another location might give her a hug if they meet at the office. But if they saw each other at a class she was leading, a handshake would send a more appropriate message.

“He’s showing respect,” she said.

A public hug, especially between a male and female co-worker, also can give the wrong impression that there’s more to the acquaintance than there really is.

Patti Johnson, a career coach and founder of the consultancy PeopleResults, advises people to use hugs sparingly and only when you’re sure the person will be amenable to it.

A big clue that you shouldn’t hug the person: The outstretched arm indicating that the person is clearly expecting a handshake.

In some cases, a hug can hurt more than it helps. Johnson recalled a time when she was part of a group selecting a vendor for a company. One of the candidates, whom she knew casually, greeted her with a big, and unexpected, hug.

“It was like he was trying to make it appear to the group that we were really good buddies,” she said.

That wasn’t the main reason he didn’t get the account, but it didn’t help.

On the other hand, Johnson said that when her mother-in-law passed away recently, she appreciated her co-workers’ kindness.

“I had a lot of hugs in the workplace and that was nice,” she said. “It wasn’t inappropriate.”

Donna Farrugia, executive director of the Creative Group, a staffing agency for marketing and advertising professionals, thinks people have become more conservative with such displays in recent years, as harassment awareness has become more widespread.

Still, she it would be sad if hugging were to become altogether taboo.

“I have clients that I’ve done business with for a long time, and you can kind of feel it as you walk toward each other (that) there’s going to be a little hug happening here, and it’s a good thing,” she said.

Readers, do you have any awkward or heartwarming stories about hugging at work? Tell us about it on our Facebook page, and we’ll feature some of your stories in a follow-up piece.

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Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://PattiWood.net. Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.