Nonverbal and Verbal Secrets to
Making New Friends
At Your First Job after College
By Patti Wood MA, CSP
Many
tips are excerpts from her SNAP! Making the Most of First Impressions Body
Language and Charisma
Be
open: You have the rare opportunity for a fresh start at
your impression. Smile as you walk down the halls at work, check out at the
grocery store or sit down in a meeting, Take the initiative to make eye
contact, say hello and introduce yourself. Keep your body language open.
Keep
your body language “up”: Up body language means walking,
standing, and sitting with your upper body relaxed upward. Instead of hunching
over, keep your shoulders back, your head up (not bent over your electronic
device), and open your hands and move them upward when you gesture.
Gesture: Moving
your hands occasionally while you speak actually helps you think and speak more
clearly. The location of your hands also affects other nonverbal behavior. When
you are conversing with someone standing up, if you place your hands and arms
at your sides your energy goes down, your voice lowers and can become more
monotone, and you show fewer facial expressions. If you’re nervous, bring your
hands to the level of your waist, and you will become calm and centered. If you
gesture occasionally with your hands at the level of your upper chest or above,
your voice automatically goes up, increases in volume, and has more variations;
you actually become animated.
Start
new habits: If you always
texted your friends in school to see what they were doing, now you can
initiate face-to-face interactions. Visit people in their offices/cubicals,
catch people in the break room and invite them to do something with you. You be
the one who says, “Hey you want to go get a coffee, hang together tonight, or
meet after work? Don’t turn on your TV when you get home. or spend
hours watching Hulu or Netflix Put yourself out there to meet as many people as
possible in the next few weeks.
Know
a rebuff is seldom about you: If not every single person says hi back or takes you
up on your offers for plans remember college is stressful. Most freshmen feel a
bit insecure at times and, if they seem distant, don’t take it
personally. Most body language rebuffs such as lack of eye contact and
scowls are motivated by what is going on inside the person and not really about
you.
Be
helpful and considerate: Having a new job
and being in a new living situation can be stressful at first, even if you
click as friends. Ask new people about their interests be interested in
their lives first.
Help
people form a positive impression of you: Your boss and your fellow team mates will respond to
you and perhaps judge you by how you act in your classes. If you’re late all
the time to meeting, they notice. They also notice if you come prepared, slink
to the back to sit, pay attention, ask thoughtful questions, or spend a lot of
time texting. In school slack behavior might have been cool; in a new job it
will get you ostracized. Each work culture has a different set of “rules of
engagement,” so be aware of the size, structure, and preferences for behavior.
It is easier to set a positive impression at the beginning than try to erase a
bad one.
Go
early rather than late: Research shows
that arriving early actually reduces your nervousness in new situations. It’s
easier to get acclimated. Get to work a bit early, especially the first few
months, so you have time to visit and make small talk. Get to meetings early as
well. You can stand or sit near the door when you arrive and greet people as
they come in. More anxiety reducing tips are in the book.
Ask
to help: Find out who is
running the meeting or office social event and at those networking events,
office parties you can ask for an anxiety-distracting task like taking coats
from new arrivals or offering them drinks or food. Nervousness comes out of
your body in many ways. One way is through your hands. When your hands are
confidently occupied with useful tasks, that confidence message goes to your
brain and affects your entire body. It also gives you an easy, repeatable
script, questions such as “Would you like me to take your coat?” or “What can I
get you to drink?” These types of questions open up the conversation.
Look
for an “open” person: Search for
people who are already speaking in a small cluster or someone who is standing
or sitting with their feet apart a few inches, rather than crossed, pressed
together, or in a “cowboy” defensive stance (for guys that is fourteen inches
apart). Research shows that someone who is gesturing with open palms and
smiling and occasionally moving their heads is more open to approach. If you
are super shy, look for someone who looks happy and confident and do what they
are doing.
Trust
your radar: Steer clear of people who are
negative or give off bad vibes. Look for people who have the top two first
impression factors from SNAP. That usually means people who are warm, likeable,
and make you feel comfortable. Go first and initiate conversation: I know, I
know, you’re thinking, “Patti, you are insane. I hate to talk to people and you
want me to initiate? I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.” Put down the fork.
Research shows that when you initiate and move forward, you appear more
confident and other people immediately feel more at ease. In addition, when
they feel at ease, the comfort transfers back to you. A quick tip for when you
feel anxious: take one small step forward; motion tricks your limbic brain into
feeling more confident.
Introduce
yourself: You can
breakthrough any awkward silence that occurs when strangers meet by simply
sharing your name as in, “Hello my name is Patti Wood.” Giving your name to
someone is a form of self-disclosure that shows you’re willing to be open and
be vulnerable. It gives the impression that you are nice. Purse snatchers don’t
typically say, “Hey, my name is Max Brewer and I’ll be taking your wallet
today.” Breaking through the silence by sharing your name may be a pretty basic
suggestion, but it works. We are sometimes afraid to break the silence because
we fear we will be met with silence or rejection. If you don’t get an immediate
response after sharing your name with someone, ask, “And your name is..?”
Introduce
people to each other: This gives you
something practical to do. Making introductions is appreciated by others, and
it takes the pressure off you. As you stand and move to bring people together,
you are creating a visual connection between yourself and other people in the
room that makes you look powerful and popular. They see you move toward people
and act as a connection, and they think, “Boy, she [or he] knows everyone.”
Ask
a question, then simply relax and listen: So much anxiety
comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it well. One of the smartest
things you can do to meet people is to make a positive statement like “Great
T-shirt” or asking a gentle question such as “Did you see the concert on the
student green last night?” or, “What did you think about class today?” This
completely takes the talking pressure off you. You don’t have to be super funny
or super hip to be a good listener. It’s amazing how cool people will think you
are because everybody loves someone who really listens to them. More
conversation starting questions are in my book.
Nod
your head: I love teaching men this simple
body language cue. Men generally only nod their heads when they agree, while
women nod to show they are listening. So guys, if you’re interested, nod as you
listen. Women love it and nodding your head actually releases “feel good” chemicals
into your blood stream.
About the Author Patti Wood is an
internationally recognized nonverbal communication and human behavior expert.
She has conducted years of research in the field of human behavior. The
media seek her insights on celebrities, politicians and people in the news.
Please check out her website for
great information and tips on nonverbal communication.
Patti Wood is the Author of SNAP: Making
the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
