The
Silent Signals of Lateness
by Patti Wood MA
Do
you find yourself running late? Is there someone in your life that you find
yourself waiting for? I was sure I had time to do a few more things, make a few
more calls, catch up on the news, and plenty of time to pack my suitcase and
get to the airport. The flight wasn’t leaving for 4 hours. So, I had another
bowl of cereal, read the headlines, before I suddenly realized I was running
late. I threw my stuff in my bag, ran down the stairs, and jumped into the car.
Charged with adrenaline I sped to the airport. Searching madly for a parking
space, ran to the gate arriving breathless as they made the last call. I had
made it again. I smiled with satisfaction and slowly walked on the plane. Yes,
in the old days I always arrived on time, my I was a last minute “rusher.” The
way you use time communicates. The way you use time, arriving rushed or late
communicated. The term “chronemics” refers to the use of time management as a
form of nonverbal communication and if you have ever had to wait for someone
who was running late, you know that you had some strong feelings about what
their tardiness was saying to you!
Are
you ever late? Does lateness feed you? Do you constantly have people waiting on
you? Do you know people who drive you crazy because they are always late? Have
you ever admonished someone for always being late? Has someone called you on
it?
Many
years ago, after this rushed trip, I sat in my airplane seat sipping my ginger
ale and asked myself why I was always rushing to planes. I am a stickler for
time, arriving so early for dinner meetings and speeches that people comment on
it, but I was with time in the rest of my life, I always seemed to rush to
catch my flights. I knew that we do things because they reward us in some way,
and I asked myself what I got from running late. Almost immediately I realized
the reward: a rush, a race car driver’s high. I ran late to feed my
excitement-loving soul. The funny thing is that I am a professional speaker.
You would think I would get enough adrenaline standing up on stages in front of
huge audiences. But apparently, I didn't. So instead of spending the flight,
watching movies, I could do to satisfy that need for a “rush” without running
late to the airport. I ended among other things, with taking an incredibly fun
comedy improv class and now go see live music at least once a week! The rush
replacements worked. These days even my airport limo driver Lewis thinks I
leave too early to get to the airport. But I like being on time too much to
regard his teasing. Lateness doesn't feed my soul anymore.
Here
are other ways that lateness communicates. Look at the list for the likely
match or combination of matches to your issue.
1. THE RUSHER
Lateness
feeds the adrenaline junkie. If you love thrills and excitement, and there are
not enough in your life, you may use running late as a way of getting your
excitement fix. Instead of speeding like a maniac to be on time, give yourself
other opportunities to feed your fire. Perhaps tango lessons, skydiving, hockey
or regular live concert tickets or taking up Judo, or boxing. If your lateness
is affecting your ability to do something well, ask yourself why you feel the
need to give yourself an excuse, being late, to not do a good job? If you are
breaking your promise to others to arrive at an agreed upon time some self-reflection
is critical.
2. THE TIME-CHALLENGED
Face
it, some people are clueless about time. They just don’t understand that an
hour has sixty minutes. They say they will be there in 15 minutes and they
arrive 45 minutes later, truly unaware that they are late. This personality
might be called the absent-minded professor. They also can’t seem to understand
how long an activity truly takes. For example, they think they can wait to
leave the office for a meeting ten miles across town five minutes before
the meeting. They don’ t factor in how long it will take them to get to their
meeting, materials packed up, how long it will take them to get to the car, the
traffic on the way and how long it may take to find a place to park. They also
don’ t allow for the unexpected delays such as an accident on the road. Because
they have an unrealistic sense of time, they tend to fall privy to the "one
more thing" phenomenon. That is why they try to do one more thing before
they leave. They check their e-mail one more time before they go down the hall
for the meeting. They make one more call before they leave the house for the
appointment. Because their sense of time is unrealistic, they think they can
stretch it and bend it like silly putty.
I
have a friend with a master’s degree in statistics. He calculates statistical
formulas for credit ratings. He is a very bright man. He is always late.
Talking to him about it didn’t change his behavior. Because he is almost always
exactly an hour late, when I need to meet with him at 6:00 I tell him 5:00. He
shows up at 6:00. We can still be friends. The good news is that if these
people are clued in about their issue and they want to change, they can. The
time-challenged just need to realistically examine their schedule and ask
themselves how long their activities truly take. If they are an employee, or
friend you can help them by talking it through, for example saying, “The drive
may take 20 minutes, but finding a space in the parking garage is a bear so
give an extra 15 minutes for that, so a 35 minute travel time would be
reasonable.” Or, “The official start time of the meeting/event, is 8:00 but,
the conversation and networking before that are critical so a 7:30 arrival is
more accurate and that may mean you need to be a hour and half earlier than you
might think.” or, “You know one of the tactics I use to make sure I get
someplace on time is set my phone to alarm at the time I absolutely need to
leave my desk to get there.”
3. CONTROL
Lateness
is a form of control. If you are consistently late to dinner or appointments
because you spent a few extra minutes getting ready or you didn’t give enough
leeway for traffic, you may be saying to the person who is waiting: “I am more
important than you. You must wait for me." By making others wait you have
power over them even if it’s only the power to make them tap their fingers on
the desk, make them order another drink or hold up dinner till you get there.
It is passive aggressiveness in its finest form, the invisible attack.
If
you are the wait time controller, people can get mad at you but hey, in your
mind it just makes them look impatient or unreasonably demanding. After all,
how are you supposed to control the external world? You can always have an
excuse – you got a last-minute email, the phone rang, someone came into my
office with a problem or you couldn't find your keys. You have power over
everyone who waits for you. In fact, you may avoid being on time because it
would communicate that you are kowtowing to others.
This
form of time use is typically used by people who don't have power or want to
manipulate you under the table. They are not officially your boss, but they are
the boss of your waiting time. They might be uncomfortable doing anything
directly to gain power, to ask for what they want, to demand attention. By
using a silent command, they get the rush of control without the risk of
counterattack. Children are the true masters. They can’t find their homework or
their right shoe, they need a drink of water, they have trouble with their
buttons, anything to postpone bedtime or school.
4. LOW SELF ESTEEM
When
lateness doesn't matter because you don’t matter, then perhaps your lateness
communicates your low self-esteem or your lack of confidence. If you think, no
one will notice anyway, you are discounting your value as a human being. And
why would you worry about others if you don’t have any concern for yourself. It
doesn't matter if you’re rude or inconsiderate, if you just plain don't matter.
A lack of respect for yourself inhibits your ability to respect others.
My
friend Ginger had a college chum and friend of many years Angie who was always
late. After Ginger sat alone waiting in one too many restaurants, she shared with
me that she was going to email Angie that she didn’t want to be friends
anymore. I knew from Ginger's conversations that Angie was very unhappy about
her weight, discouraged that no one asked her out, and because she couldn’t
find a job in her field, she was working for her dad. I suspected she wasn’t
feeling very good about herself. I suggested to Ginger she try to meet with her
friend face-to-face to tell her how her lateness made her feel. They arranged
to meet at a restaurant where there was entertainment. Ginger arrived at the
bar to watch the band. No friend. She got up to call her. Returned, still no
friend, but a very cute blond guy was in her seat. She struck up a conversation
with the cute man. Moved in with him three days later. A year passed and she
married him. Angie missed the wedding. She walked into the church an hour late.
5. SOS! NOTICE ME
Sometimes,
something or many things in life are going wrong, and it is just too horrible
to say out loud. So, you communicate with your tardiness. Your lateness says:
Isn't it horrible that I'm late? Please ask me why, so I can tell you the
horrible thing I am dealing with. I knew someone who had been attacked in her
home. She was living far away from her family for the first time and had no
close friends. There was no one to share her pain with.
She
told us with her time use. She became habitually late. She kept everyone in our
office waiting wondering whether she was all right. It was a powerful SOS
repeated over and over from a life that was sinking fast. It was only when the
boss sat her down and reprimanded her that the story of her traumatic ordeal
came tumbling out. The boss listened to her and recommended among other things
that she share her burden with a few of us. We supported her and soon she didn’t
need her silent cry of lateness to communicate.
6. THE BIG EGO
Related
to the need for control is the BIG EGO. The difference is that silent
controllers have no assigned power and big egos do. They feel they have the
right to be late—that it comes as part of their royalty package. The big ego
says with his time use, I am so important that you the little peon who is
waiting must sit patiently for me to arrive. As if they should be greeted with
a standing ovation and Hail Caesars. You know the type: the big boss who keeps
everyone waiting for the meeting to start. They come sauntering in smiling, not
caring about their rudeness. In fact, they may revel in it. Or they come in
ranting and complaining about the big problem they had to solve or the disaster
they averted before they could honor you with their presence. Only the Pope and
Superhero and Super Heroines have saving superpowers worth waiting for.
I
remember sitting at a conference table full of coworkers, waiting for the
president of the company to arrive. This happened every meeting and ended with
the same ritual. He would walk through the conference room door, go over and
get his doughnuts asking the female nearest him to get him coffee all the while
greeting a selective few people at the table and asked them the same odd greeting.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" If he had asked me that question, I would
have been tempted to reply. "Miffed and insulted by your lack of
consideration." But he never listened to anyone’s answer and he never
asked me.
7. HIDDEN ANGER or Other Hidden Secrets
Sometimes
we leave people waiting because we hate them. Okay, “hate” may be too strong a
word. Let’s say, because we are secretly unhappy with them. We may be jealous,
envious, resentful or just plain do not like that person. When I say this is a secret,
I mean these feelings may even be a secret even from yourself. While the
feeling swirls in your subconscious, you may not even be aware that you are mad
or have other negative feelings.
Perhaps
you would like to think you never get mad at anyone because you are just too
nice a person. Perhaps the person you leave waiting has too much power over you
for it to be safe to be mad at them directly. In any case, like a child who
sticks out their tongue at someone when their back is turned, when you leave a
friend waiting at a restaurant by themselves, standing on a street corner,
sitting in a conference room, you are acting just as childish. Again, this
behavior is passive aggressive. You could be assertive and say out loud, “I
have a problem with you.” But it is somehow easier to show up late.
I
know someone whose husband is habitually late. She sits in the living room
dressed for a cocktail party or dinner with friends wondering if he has been in
a car accident. Trips to pick up one thing at Home Depot so they can finish
with a project become three-hour marathons of waiting while the paint hardens
on the brushes. She and her children have waited for him to eat so many dinners
they are now used to eating at 8:00. Her family and friends have experienced
her stress and humiliation as they waited with her so now, they suggest plans
that don’t include him. This has led to arguments of course, but he always has
an external excuse for his lateness. In her mind the message he is sending is
that his work and tasks are more important than she is. Underneath there may be
a bigger message. He may be saying, "I am angry and unhappy, and I don’t
know how to express it." Or I have found someone else that is more important,
and I don’t know how to say it with words.”
8. PROMISE BREAKER
Know
that if you have an adult in your life that is late on a reoccurring basis and
their behavior doesn’t fit into the Low Self Esteem SOS or Hidden Message
category and your requests to honor their promise to you to show up on time are
broken again and again there is a problem. An agreement to be somewhere is a
promise. Someone is giving their word they will do something and not doing it
is a broken promise. They are not a person who honors their word. They are affecting
your trust.
If
they make excuses every time, there is a problem. An excuse is not a true
apology How to Make a Proper Apology and
anyone who makes constant excuses is communicating to you they don’t have to
change, that their circumstances are more important than their promise to you.
If
they don’t seem deeply embarrassed and apologetic by their disrespect for your time,
there is a problem and if they promise they will do better, and don’t there is
a problem. As silent as time is it can scream that there is something wrong.
Don’t just seethe with silence in response. Say out loud to them that they are
a promise breaker. If you fear or are concerned about how they will respond,
please read my articles on malignant narcissists to find out if you are dealing
with someone abusive and dangerous. How to Recognize a Dangerous Person
Lateness
does not always have a Freudian or hidden message. And you may rarely be left
tapping your foot or checking your watch. But remember, time communicates. If
you are walking through the door apologizing and complaining about traffic or last-minute
phone calls, listen to the message you are sending. If you know someone who is
always late, it may be time to have an ERASER conversation with them. ERASER Method.
It starts with the specifics of their lateness, “You have been at least 20
minutes late for the last three weeks I have told you it upsets me, it’s
effecting my ability to respect and or trust you….”
Now
you have the handbook for the silent signals of lateness.
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR: Patti Wood MA is a Professional Speaker and a Communication and
Body Language expert based in Atlanta, GA. Patti’s clients include Fortune 500
companies, government agencies and associations, and she is the author of nine
books including, “SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and
Charisma.”
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ABOUT
THE AUTHOR: Patti Wood MA is a Professional Speaker and a Communication and
Body Language expert based in Atlanta, GA. Patti’s clients include Fortune 500
companies, government agencies and associations. She has written nine books including SNAP
Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma and People
Savvy.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
