What does it mean if someone's
love language is physical touch?
If someone’s love language is touch it means that they are
fed by, need and are brought joy and connection through touch. They may
feel depressed, stressed or unloved if they don’t receive enough touch and may
not feel emotional intimacy with someone if that person does not fulfill their
touch needs. It can be a short touch as they let you through a door, holding hands
when walking or sitting together, a brief touch to push back your hair and the
following:
Touch to-do’s
“How about a hug?” Ask for hugs and give them freely.
There are many forms of affection — cuddling, a pat on the shoulder, etc. Find
out what kind of affectionate touch the people in your life want and give it to
them. At Florida State, though I did not have a doctorate, I was called Dr.
Hugs by my students. My nonverbal communication class had more than100
students, so everywhere I went I got a hug. I loved it.
“Thank you.” Touch can be a reward. A gentle touch on
the forearm or hand at work or a hug or kiss at home can let people know you
appreciate them. Think of all the little things people do for you and reward
them with a touch. I was “the napkin girl” when I was very small and after I
went around the table folding and putting the napkin at each place setting, I
got a hug. As I grew older and set the full table, I still got a verbal thank
you, but the hug was absent. Continue touching to say thank you. Heidi Feldman,
chief of the Division of General Academic Pediatrics at Children’s Hospital in
Pittsburgh says, “A child is much more likely to try to please a parent who
acknowledges his contribution and thoughtful, helping behavior.”
“Tell me more.” I did research in grad school on
touching to increase self-disclosure. Sure enough, when you touch someone even
briefly in a non-threatening, non-sexual way, they will self disclose more.
This was helpful for me to know and take action as a therapist, but just think
how powerful it is to use in your personal relationships. We tend to skate on
the surface of our relationships instead on becoming emotionally intimate.
Create the intimacy of pillow talk without sex by giving healthy touch to
encourage people to share more. There are places and times where “Tell me more”
touch works very easily. While cooking or eating dinner with loved ones, you
can purposefully touch as you hand each other food, plates and utensils, When
riding in a car or golf cart, you are close enough to touch in a
non-threatening manner, even if it is something as innocent as passing a drink
or handkerchief. In sales or other meeting settings, you can touch when passing
out handouts, brochures or samples.
“Let me comfort you.” Sometimes we move away from
loved ones who are highly emotional, crying or upset when moving in closer and
touching can help them feel better.
There is an exception to this. Therapists are sometimes
encouraged not to touch too soon so their patients can stay upset long enough
to share all their pain. When my best friend Roy was dying, one of the worst
things to deal with was the lack of comforting touch I could get from others. I
moved to Atlanta away from my other friends and family and the one person who
normally hugged me and gave me the most comfort was Roy. And he needed me to be
strong for him. If you know someone who is going through grief and loss give
them comforting touch. So often, we get caught up in taboos and avoid the
natural inclination to touch. People will step back or arch away if they are
uncomfortable with the prospect of your touch, so take the step to try it,
knowing you can move out of it if you need to.
“You can do it.” Use touch as a motivator. Touch as
you give a work assignment, as you put your child on their first two-wheeler
and as you send your sweetie off to his or her first marathon. Touch makes us
feel empowered and is a great encourager. Increased self-esteem received
through touch can help others follow through a challenging task. I spent a lot
of my teenage years working on plays. I remember clearly how we would all hug
each other before each play started and would give little back rubs to actors
about to go on stage for a difficult part of their performance. The touch fed
us and made us strong. Think of all the touch given in a sporting event. It’s
not surprising the encouraging touch given to athletes is similar across
cultures. We know that a pat on the back moves a person forward.
“Please.” Use touch to ask for help as well. It won’t
surprise you to know that pairing touch with a request makes it much more
likely the person will do what you ask. Just a brief touch on the forearm,
lasting less than a fortieth of a second, can increase your persuasive powers.
“I love you.” It should be very clear to you now we
need physical contact to feel acceptance and belonging. We all want to be
loved.
