What I have learned when loved ones were seriously ill and or dying. Advice

What I have learned when loved ones where seriously ill and or dying. Advice
My best friend my twin soul friend died when he was 29. Nine other friends died the same year.
No one once to gain experience in dealing with a sick and or terminally ill loved one. But, if you go
through that very painful and intimate experience you do learn how ways of coping. Here is what I learned about myself when Shane was shot, Roy and other friends of mine where dying and Dominic had a stroke.

1.       When you were dealing with your grief as a loved one is dying you have to know you have to remember every single day when all you want to do is weep and stay under the covers that you are losing one person but, the person who is dying is losing everyone they know, their home, everything object, every beautiful bit of their natural world and their own life. Their grief is huge.
2.       When people are sick you have to remember every day that they're in pain. So many of their verbal and nonverbal messages are to say to you and the world, “I hurt!” “I am in pain.” You need to communicate that you see, hear and feel their pain.” They are often unable to see feel and hear your pain, because their message is so overwhelming. I know I have tried out for the role more than once, but Martyrs are characters in books and movies, and kind of hard to be in real life.  If you feel unheard, and it’s effecting your ability to be a helpmate, communicate! A possible message.  So how about, “I know you are in great pain, I am in pain too and I know you care so please let me share my pain with you as well so we stay close.” Or “I find that I am stuffing my pain, to not burden you with it, but it is making me feel inauthentic with you when I want to us to stay our real loving selves so can I share a little bit of my pain with you?”
3.       Because they are in pain, they may be mad at the God, the world and you. They may be mean they may get mad they may even be abusive. Don't take it personally. Don't think it reflects what they truly feel about you don't think it's a reflection of their lack of love. They are raging against their illness and you just happened to be the closest person to them so you get the rage.  
Roy would say to me, “Patti, you are the only one I can really get mad at, because I know that you love me. I know that you know my soul and no matter what I do you will keep on loving me anyway.” But, don't be afraid to call them on their stuff.  Just because they're sick and dying doesn't mean that they can be cruel.
4.       Embrace laughter embrace humor, embrace silliness. Embrace funny moments, embrace the joys of life and the absurdity of death and dying. When my best friend Roy was dying we laughed so very much. When he was hooked up to an IV that was his sole means of sustenance the last eight months of his life we had so many jokes about it. We used humor “tenderize” the pain. We had jokes about the Wendy's drive-through big Macs ice cream and steaks and fries coming in through the IV. Both of us where dealing with a very real reality that he would never taste and savor real food again before he died, but he could still laugh. Our laughter confirmed the fact that even as he was dying he was still living.

Illness and dying create a unique intimacy between you and your loved one, take the gifts of that intimacy and may you be supported and know that you are loved.



Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Sofia Richie and Justin Bieber's Body Language as New Couple.

Sofia Richie and Justin Bieber's Body Language as New Couple.

Did this read of Justin and Sofia on my way into Boston to speak. 
Here's the link:




Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Hillary's Body Language, as She Talked About Her Emails During Press Conference Reveals Why Some People Love Her and Some Hate Her.



Hillary's Body Language as she was asked about her Emails during her recent press conference reveals specific body language that can make you love her or hate her. .
She was asked fairly hostile questions, questions that could get many people riled up, especially if they had been asked the same questions hundreds of times. But she didn't get mad. In fact,  I found it interesting that she faced the interview as she got the questions and she remained still not frozen just calm, she didn’t move back in fear or displeasure or move forward in hostility. She showed self-control. Now can work for her and against her. One media person I was interviewed by today said that calmness showed she was a liar.  Others could see her self possession as a clear indication of her innocence. In fact, her precise factual answers and ease be seen voters who angry at the status quo and wants action may as hiding deceit. Yes, some may read that very self-possessed and professional body language negatively. I didn't by the way, but I mention this because having watched Trump in debates, interviews, he cannot stay still through a whole question. He has to move. Some can see his movement and his inability not to interrupt as an indication of his power and indignation. Hilary can not get away with the same body language. Here is what is also true. When Trump is mad and rants his body language and words are in sync. When he is mad, he is truthful. I believe that is one of the reasons he says so many negative things, He know he sounds and looks honest and believable and persuasive when he rants. He is really mad!  In analyzing and giving deception and interrogation training for over 30 years I can say, that she showed self possession, she changed the wording a bit to suit her statements, but what she did say, was the truth. 

Hillary email press conference this week 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdmf3RumpAM

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Trump's Body Language During Endorsement of Paul Ryan, Was Trump Telling the Truth about Ryan?

Trump, as you may have guessed, does not like Paul Ryan. And there was a big tell that showed his  hatred of Ryan when he did talk about him!
First you will notice in the clip that he was, for the most part, reading from a script during his so called endorsement of Paul Ryan.  Instead of praising Ryan, Trump chose to spend the majority of his on air time, reading the script about topics that had nothing to do about Ryan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTPpH5-p5us

When Trump was off script he made his usual negative statements. Interesting that endorsements are typically very positive and rather "Rah Rah for the Party" scripts but, when he was off script he was negative. For example, he said of our functioning international trade agreements. “Trade is a disaster. “  A particularly telling sentence that was part of a rambling rant struck me as typical of his negative statements in speeches and interviews, but horrible when you think it is coming from the mouth of someone running for president. “We don’t win at any level at anything.” Just sit with that sentence for bit. Hear that coming from the president, imagine, a past president you admire saying of America, “We don’t win at any level at anything.” Again, he said this off script and delivered it in a casual, off hand manner non verbally.   I am trying to be objective about this and view this a Media coach and Nonverbal communication expert analyzing someone speaking to endorse a candidate in a prepared speech. 

It's also revealing that Trump  could not sustain a positive flow of his speech for more than four sentences even when reading from the script. If he read a few positive sentences he would go off script and say something negative. (If you read my posts on anger you will see how negativity works for him.)  For example, when he looked down at his script he said, “We will work together as friends...” but seconds later got off script and said negative things about voter ID.
He choose not to give specifics praise about Ryan, he kept repeating that same two phrases, "He is good man." "Paul Ryan, he is a good man and a good guy." Before this, his baseline for off script statements was to look up and often to look at the camera,  But as he said those statements,  he looked down, paused and did a lizard tongue thrust, stuck out is tongue is dislike and attack of Ryan and then he said, “and we may disagree.” This showed he does not believe Ryan is a good guy and with the lizard tongue thrust, he attack and extreme dislike of Ryan. 



Trump's Body Language During Endorsement of Paul Ryan 



Trump endorses Ryan 



Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Contempt and Sneer Body Language, Keisha Knight Pulliam's Body Language- What is she Really Saying part two (contempt)

We see another example of body-mind disagreement when Keisha is asked about the paternity of her child and she says "that is not an issue". She flashes this asymmetrical smile that registers as contempt.

Contempt is a very complex emotion. It registers on one side of the face with an asymmetrical smile that show inconsistency between how we feel and what we say. Contempt can mean many different things. It can mean "I'm getting one over on you" or "I have just lied to you and I'm getting away with it". It can also mean someone has taken the moral high ground or they think that they are better/smarter/cooler than someone. John Gottman has done a lot of research to show that the number one sign of a failing relationship is contempt. Relative to Keisha's situation,she could be showing contempt towards her husband because of the situation but when you combine this with the rest of her body language cues, it registers as cause for concern.


Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.