How to Make People Feel Comfotable At a Social Event, Party or Buisness Event. Body Language Tips

How to Make Everyone in the Room Relax

Tips to ease awkwardness at social gatherings

I have a request for an editor at Reader's Digest for this story. Here are my rough notes in response.

Tips from Patti Wood MA, CSP Body Language Expert and Author of, “SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma.”

Introverts – Introverts love to have a silence after they are asked a question. In that pause they create the perfectly crafted response. You may think that the silence is awkward and try to chime in to help them, but they need and want that time. So to make an introvert comfortable if you ask them a question then pause. Research says they may need as much as eight seconds of quiet before they respond. If you do this they will feel respected and honored and very comfortable with you and you will have some very interesting and thoughtful conversations.

Also introverts may talk more slowly and at a lower volume, so try to briefly match and mirror their volume level and rate of speech to create comfort and rapport. Just like shaking hands in face to face interactions helps you feel more in synch with your conversational partner, matching voices helps us feel we are similar and eases the tension in initial conversations. .

Introduce yourself to an introvert, but leave a little bit more physical space between you as you begin the interaction. You may want to be a “close talker” but, extreme introverts need a little more space till they know you better and male introverts may be more comfortable speaking side by side rather than face to face as it is less threatening.

If you want to help and introvert at a party you can also introduce them to other people and giving them background information about the person you are introducing them to and helping them by sharing something about them. For example,

“Sam this is Paula, Paula is a geologist in Sedona and loves foreign films. Paula this is Sam, he works in Space technology and enjoys Science fiction.” Now Sam has topics he can discuss.

Match and Mirror their slower pace and silences just a bit. Their is a secret to making someone more comfortable. That is to enter their world and assume a similar state of mind. To reach out and actively feel what they are feeling. It is something we do naturally when we are truly present and engaged but sometimes the nervousness or a social event makes us self focused rather than other focused. So you may need to consciously focus your attention. By gentry matching and mirroring the person’s behaviors -- body language, voice, words etc. You have probably heard about this technique but you may not have used it. If they lean forward you lean forward if they take a sip of their beverage you take a sip if they talk in a soft voice you briefly talk softly. You only need to do this briefly. think of it again like a handshake as a way of ritualistically engaging and making the other person feel comfortable.

Give introverts more eye contact even when they are pausing. Extroverts sometimes drop eye contact when a introvert is talking softly or pausing. A listener should give more eye contact than the speaker. Research suggests that if you want to have good rapport you should maintain eye-contact 60 to 70 percent of the time that someone is speaking to you. Females have been shown to be better at this than men and actually need more eye contact from listeners in order to feel comfortable in the conversation

Extroverts – Extroverts, especially extreme extroverts love loud overlapping conversations filled with energy. To make an introvert feel comfortable ask them questions; ask them to tell about a funny vacation or the best thing that has happened in their life recently. Then let them go for it. If you are more introverted you may wish to bring your volume and energy up to match your extrovert and make them feel like you are enjoying being with them. Extreeme Introverts speak very loud and fast and use lots of gestures, you don’t have to do that if its not you, just bring your energy up a notch.

If you are an introvert making and extrovert feel comfortable you may not be sue to giving lots of facial feedback, but they need that to feel comfortable and heard. Let your nonverbal expressions show your emotional response to the message. If they are concerned, show understanding by focusing your eye contact on them which may make your eye brows furl. If they are unhappy, frown and lower your eyes and nod your head If they are mad, close and flatten out your lip like a sealed envelope. Briefly matching their facial expressions not only shows someone that you are listening, it creates the same chemicals in your brain that body language shifts are creating in theirs and you will actually feel what they are feeling and understand them more effectively.

Your Boss – How to make your boss comfortable at a party depends a lot on the personality of your boss and your working relationship with him or her. Overall bosses want to feel that they are liked and respected and that the social gathering is going well, especially if they planned or are in charge of the event or customers and or clients are attending. To make them comfortable go up to them when they have a nice available open moment and aren’t busy with other people. Look to make sure he or she has their feet slightly apart a few inches rather than crossed, pressed together, or cowboy show of defensive stance 14 inches apart. It is easier to approach someone who is showing his or her palms rather than hidden and is smiling. Share a positive piece of information or story, such as, “Isn’t it great that our clients are talking with everyone.” “They are really enjoying themselves.” Or I just talked to Elli with our lead client and she felt that our presentation last week really helped them understand our new products.”

If you have a male boss shake hands then stand or sit side by side to create a feeling that you are on the same team and not threatening. If you have a female boss stand or sit face to face to show you are connected to her and give a lot of nonverbal feedback like head nods, facial expressions and, verbal “ah huhs” to let her know you are respectful and a honoring and listening.

A specific tip is to Nod Your Head You do not have to have a bobble toy head, just occasionally nod your head to show you are listening and empathetic with the speaker’s message. An added bonus of nodding your head is that it releases endorphin-like chemicals into your bloodstream to make you feel good and feel more affable about the speaker. Be aware that women nod their heads whether they agree with the speaker’s message or not. Men may think that you agree with them if you nod too much; so be careful not to give mere feedback “I’m Listening” nods if you disagree with what a man is saying.

Your Date

To make your date feel comfortable ask them ahead of time if there is something you can do to help them feel at ease. Some dates want lots of side by side I am with him/her time some dates love to adventure out and meet people, some want to sit in a corner and watch the action. Ask them what they want.

Introduce them to each other (see introvert info.) Remember these are not your dates people, you are with your work tribe and they are an outsider. Make them feel part of the group.

The main way to make them feel comfortable is the check in with them so see how they are and what they may need and want. Your check in may mean a glance across the room or physically going to stand by their side and give them hug or touch.

If you have a comfortable relationship you may also use some signal like a squeeze they give to you to let you know they are “done” talking with someone or want to go or a touch on their back that lets them know you have their back.. Decide ahead a time on the appropriate touch you wish to have with one another to show your relationship. For example, they may expect to be by your side the whole night, or hold hands a lot if you do that normally you may know that’s a no go in your business culture. Another comfort behavior is not to spend to much time talking laughing and smiling with someone of the opposite sex at the party while your date is by themselves. A little tip is if they look nice, tell them when you first see them and wither they are male or female tell them again some time during the event so they know they are seen and stand out from the rest of the people there or instead of appearance compliment on how they are making other people feel comfortable or are interesting or fun or dance well.

Rules of Business Introductions.

Here are the rules of business introductions. The name of the person being introduced is mentioned last, and the person to whom the introduction is made is mentioned first. The rules for who is introduced to whom depends on whether it's a business or a social introduction.

Business Introductions: In business, introductions are based on power and hierarchy. Simply, persons of lesser authority are introduced to persons of greater authority. Gender plays no role in business etiquette; nor does it affect the order of introductions.

For example, you would say, "Mr./Ms. Greater Authority, I would like to introduce Mr./Ms. Lesser Authority." However, the person holding the highest rank may not be Mr./Ms. Greater Authority. A client, for instance, always takes precedence over anyone in your organization, as does an elected official.

Someone with Asperger’s. Each person with Asperger’s is unique so don’t make assumptions. Some will want to be involved and made a part of the group others may want to watch and observe. Ask them if they would like to talk, Ask them if they would like to introduce you to others ask them if they would like to go with you to get a drink or a dessert. Standing side by side and or walking to a destination side by side is the most comfortable and least threatening way of interacting.

Remove Barriers. I have noticed that at time people are uncomfortable talking with someone with Aspegers so they close down their body and or put up barriers so open up and remove barriers even if that person has his or her body closed to you. That means take away things that block the access or view of the speaker and you. The barrier used most often is the arms. Though we have over sixty different motivations for folding our arms, speakers see any arm fold as a barrier and a cue that you are not listening. In fact, of all the different body language postures, the arm fold is the most obvious indication of a lack of interest. You actually retain 30 percent less information from the speaker when you listen with your arms crossed. So unfold your arms. In addition, move the phone, books or stacks of papers on the desk that sit between the front of your body and the speaker’s view. You can even show that you are blocking a speaker’s message by holding your beverage glass in front of your upper chest.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

What is the root word for Charima that defines the word.

Charisma comes from the Greek word “charis,” which means grace. Research shows that people with charisma are able to gracefully persuade us to buy from them, vote for them and (as charismatic leaders like Kennedy and Clinton have shown) mate with them. But, as stressed above, there is more to leadership than charisma.
So look for more than power, attractiveness and likeability in this election roster of presidential candidates. Seek instead credibility

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Is Public Speaking Making You Old? How Stress Ages You at the Cellular Level.

Ok, now I am worried that being a public speaker may give me wrinkles. New research says that anticipating stressful events like public speaking, when you are already stressed causes aging at the cellular level.

Anticipation of stressful situations accelerates cellular aging

Date:: February 21, 2012
Source:: University of California, San Francisco (UCSF)
Summary:: The ability to anticipate future events allows us to plan and exert control over our lives, but it may also contribute to stress-related increased risk for the diseases of aging, according to a new study.
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The ability to anticipate future events allows us to plan and exert control over our lives, but it may also contribute to stress-related increased risk for the diseases of aging, according to a study by UCSF researchers.

In a study of 50 women, about half of them caring for relatives with dementia, the psychologists found that those most threatened by the anticipation of stressful tasks in the laboratory and through public speaking and solving math problems, looked older at the cellular level. The researchers assessed cellular age by measuring telomeres, which are the protective caps on the ends of chromosomes. Short telomeres index older cellular age and are associated with increased risk for a host of chronic diseases of aging, including cancer, heart disease and stroke.
"We are getting closer to understanding how chronic stress translates into the present moment," said Elissa Epel, PhD, an associate professor in the UCSF Department of Psychiatry and a lead investigator on the study. "As stress researchers, we try to examine the psychological process of how people respond to a stressful event and how that impacts their neurobiology and cellular health. And we're making some strides in that."
The researchers also found evidence that caregivers anticipated more threat than non-caregivers when told that they would be asked to perform the same public speaking and math tasks. This tendency to anticipate more threat put them at increased risk for short telomeres. Based on that, the researchers propose that higher levels of anticipated threat in daily life may promote cellular aging in chronically stressed individuals.
"How you respond to a brief stressful experience in the laboratory may reveal a lot about how you respond to stressful experiences in your daily life," said Aoife O'Donovan, PhD, a Society in Science: Branco Weiss Fellow at UCSF and the study's lead author. "Our findings are preliminary for now, but they suggest that the major forms of stress in your life may influence how your respond to more minor forms of stress, such as losing your keys, getting stuck in traffic or leading a meeting at work. Our goal is to gain better understanding of how psychological stress promotes biological aging so that we can design targeted interventions that reduce risk for disease in stressed individuals. We now have preliminary evidence that higher anticipatory threat perception may be one such mechanism."
The study will be published in the May issue of the journal Brain, Behavior and Immunity.
Research on telomeres, and the enzyme that makes them, was pioneered by three Americans, including UCSF molecular biologist and co-author on this manuscript Elizabeth Blackburn, PhD, who co-discovered the telomerase enzyme in 1985. The scientists received the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 2009 for this work.
The research related to anticipation was funded by grants from the Division of Behavioral and Social Research at the National Institute of Aging/National Institutes of Health and Bernard and Barbro Foundation as well as by a Society in Science: Branco Weiss Fellowship.

Story Source:
The above post is reprinted from materials provided by University of California, San Francisco (UCSF). The original item was written by Juliana Bunim. Note: Materials may be edited for content and length.

Journal Reference:

Aoife O’Donovan, A. Janet Tomiyama, Jue Lin, Eli Puterman, Nancy E. Adler, Margaret Kemeny, Owen M. Wolkowitz, Elizabeth H. Blackburn, Elissa S. Epel. Stress appraisals and cellular aging: A key role for anticipatory threat in the relationship between psychological stress and telomere length. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 2012; DOI: 10.1016/j.bbi.2012.01.007

Cite This Page:

University of California, San Francisco (UCSF). "Anticipation of stressful situations accelerates cellular aging." ScienceDaily

Hitler Understood Crowd Theory and Emotional Contagion and he Used the Mob to Energize His Speeches.

Hitler Understood Crowd Theory and Emotional Contagion and used the mob to energize his speeches.

Crowd theory states that in crowd the individual identity and the capability to control behavior disappears and people are open to contagion. They are unable to resist any passing idea, and because intellect and rational thought can be obliterated, any passing emotion. They catch it like a cold and they go to the primitive limbic brain and have the spontaneity and the potential violence and enthusiasm of primate beings. That's why we so easily roar and cheer at football games.

Hitler was familiar with this and new you could take advantage of crowd mentality and manipulate a crowds to his own ends. He would have a stage in the middle of a town square, have marching bands push people tightly together to the center square from all the outlying streets, stir the crowd with marching music sometimes for as much as three hours before he spoke. He knew you can direct crowd in that primitive emotional state, by simplifying his ideas, Appealing to emotions rather than intellect, exaggeration rather than fact and by repeating the same message over and over again.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

How Hitler Came Up With Sig Heil and his "Fight Song."

Something rather disturbing and funny is that Hitler got the idea for his “fight song” and salute from American football. Specifically the cheerleading and Harvard’s fight song. Watching Recordings of American Football led Hitler to hear the "rah rah rah" and use what once was a warm greeting, be “Sieg Heil” into a rousing salute. Yes, he watched tapes of American football in the 1920’s. It is interesting that the nonverbal frenzy that is whipped up in football stadium appealed to him and he wanted. The nonverbal principal “ISOPRAXISM” explains why the shout was so rousing. In nature animals, including humans are pulled to the strongest energy. ISOPRAXISM explains why fish swim together, birds fly in formation, the wave in American football and is related to Mob behavior.

Hitler's 10,000 Hours to Great Speaking.

Hitler was charismatic, evil incarnate, but charismatic and a tremendous speaker. How did he get so good? Because he put in the work. He gave hundreds of speeches over many years to become a masterful speaker. It's an odd fact, and so enlightening.

For over 20 years as a speech and media coach I have been telling my clients, that they need to give as many speeches as possible to become a great speaker. If you are aware of the Gladwell’s 10,000 hours theory from his book, "Outliers" you know that Gladwell says that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. The psychologists found a direct statistical relationship between hours of practice and achievement. No gifted people No shortcuts. No naturals. Hitler was charismatic, but he was a tremendous speaker because he put in the work. Odd fact, and so enlightening.

Hitler Played "Stare Out"

Hitler use to play “Stare Out.” He would pick someone out and stare at them to intimidate them. He was even known to do this at the dinner table with “friends” and stare them down.

Eye Contact is important, but don’t stare

If people find you overbearing, I can bet your eye contact is part of the problem. If you look too long and don’t break away enough, it’s intimidating. You want to gaze, not stare. If you gaze more than that 70 percent of the time, people are going to think

Starring is a prolonged gaze or fixed look. In staring, one object or person is the continual focus of visual interest, for an amount of time. Staring can be interpreted as being either hostile, or the result of intense concentration or affection. Staring behaviour can be considered a form of aggression, or an invasion of an individual's privacy. If eye contact is reciprocated, mutual staring can take the form of a battle of wills, or even a game where the loser is the person who blinks or looks away first – a staring contest.

To some extent, the meaning of a person’s staring behaviour depends upon the attributions made by the observer. Staring often occurs accidentally, when someone appears to be staring into space they may well be lost in thought, or stupefied, or simply unable to see.
Staring conceptually also implies confronting the inevitable – ‘staring death in the face’, or ‘staring into the abyss’. Group staring evokes and emphasises paranoia; such as the archetypal stranger walking into a saloon in a Western to be greeted by the stares of all the regulars. The fear of being stared at is called Scopophobia.ou’r

e a bully, you’re weird or that they have spinach between their teeth.

A participant in my first impressions workshop came up to me after the program. He said, “I don’t understand. Women don’t seem to like me. I don’t have trouble going up to women and starting a conversation, but they seem really uncomfortable. Some even make a face or walk away. I have read all the stuff online about flirting, but I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong.”

Interestingly, I had noticed his SNAP issue moments after he entered the classroom. He held eye contact with attractive women far too long. He was not glancing; he was glaring. It felt like an assault rather than an invitation to “dance.”

Hitler Was a Materful Mimic and Did Mean Spirited Imatations.

Hitler had a playful side. He was very mean spirited, and loved to use his body language and paralanguage abilities to mock others.

Few people know that Hitler was a great mimic and ham and did mean spirited imitations of people in his inner circle. I don’t know if there are photos of him in mimic mode, but I think that is so fascinating. I could give you names of some of the people he imitated if you want to grab stills of them. I feel this speaks to his ability to create a persona and his lack of respect for even those loyal to him.

The Secret of Hitler's Voice, Hitler Was Gassed and Had to Learn How to Speak Again.

The secret? On 14 October 1918, Hitler and numerous comrades in his regiment were seriously wounded by England’s first use of chlorine gas and Hitler was temporarily blinded. He lost his voice and had to learn to speak again. This is fascinating to me. It explains his gravelly voice and shows his determination. He worked very hard to improve his voice as he recovered because he had a passion and a vision to be a great speaker and leader one day. Yes, creepy yet, true.

As he rose to power, he worked with a coach to change his voice and body language to suit each person or crowd. He would prepare the night before each meeting or speech, having gathered as much lintel all the person or group as he could and customize his content and his delivery for maximize persuasive impact.
I spent three months analyzing his voice and body language in over 100 videos and sometimes I was mesmerized, other times i was quite sick and couldn't sleep.

He could vary his voice and delivery like a great actor, going from soft calm and soothing like a lullaby to a child to loud fist filled gavel of voice filled with rage. He would use various accents, and change his style from low brow language to sophisticated light and urbane depending on his audience and he could use a joking lilt of a voice one minute and a menacing taught with one paragraph.
All in all, Hitler worked very hard to be a powerful speaker and spread his evil.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Hitler Was a Big Whistler. Hitler use to whistle this song.

Hitler Was a Big Whistler. He loved to whistle the song “Who is afraid of the big bad wolf”

Whistling can occur when someone is happy and content or it can be a way of self-soothing when someone is under stress or scared. You have to look at the person's other behaviors and the context to analyze the meaning of someone's whistle.

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also, check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

Cry it out. Letting baby “Cry it Out” causes stress that kills brain cell.

Cry it out. Letting baby “Cry it Out” causes stress that kills brain cell.

This is a fascinating article. It is related to other posts I have done on the importance of loving care and touch for babies and the effects of stress on the brain.

I know. A dramatic headline. Made you look. But it's not fiction. It turns out that the "Cry It Out" method of baby sleep training, where you ignore that your kid is screaming, crying and turning 40 shades of purple so that she can break herself out of the habit of being spoiled and cuddled to sleep, does more harm -- way more -- than good.

In her recent piece for Psychology Today, Darcia Narvaez, an associate professor of psychology at Notre Dame, writes that when babies are stressed, their bodies release cortisol into their systems -- a toxic hormone that kills brain cells. Considering their brains are only 25 percent developed when they're born full-term and grow rapidly in their first year, killing off baby brain cells is a huge no bueno. Narvaez notes that studies out of Harvard, Yale, Baylor and other prestigious institutions show that said killing off of baby brain cells can lead to the higher probability of ADHD, poor academic performance and anti-social tendencies, and that human babies are hardwired for hands-on comfort and care.

"Babies are built to expect the equivalent of an 'external womb' after birth... being held constantly, breastfed on demand, needs met quickly," Narvaez writes. "These practices are known to facilitate good brain and body development. When babies display discomfort, it signals that a need is not getting met, a need of their rapidly growing systems."

Um, remember that scene from the True Hollywood Stories: Rick James episode on the Dave Chappelle Show -- the one where Rick James is grinding his feet into Eddie Murphy's couch? Yeah. *insert an image of Denene doing the Rick James foot stomp into the couch thing here* In your face, Nick Chiles! For the record, I argued and fussed and fought with my husband over "Feberizing" our Mari. The infant self-soothing technique, invented by Dr. Richard Ferber, requires parents to let their babies "cry it out" for a predetermined amount of time, in increasing intervals, before they comfort them -- and even then, comforting involves talking to and rubbing the babies; picking them up or cuddling them is forbidden.

Now, it's been 12 years since we tried this "cry it out" thing with Mari, but I promise you, I can still hear her screaming in her crib in the next room. My breasts would throb at her every whimper, and every second on the clock would feel like an eternity while I waited for my chance to go in and pat her on her stomach, rub her arm and cheek and tell her, "it's okay, baby--Daddy promises you won't die from crying."

But I was. It just didn't feel right to let my child scream and holler and thrash by her little self in the dark in her crib when I knew full well that a little rocking in her glider, maybe a song and a sweet nuzzle of her cheek would send her off to dreamland. Granted, some nights that meant multiple rocking/singing/nuzzle time, but, to me, it was a small price to pay for feeling like I was mothering my baby and helping her feel like her mommy was there. Always there.

Of course, plenty other parents think differently about it and that's their right. We all do what we think works for our kids, our families, our lives. Not gonna point fingers at y'all. But I will point them at the hubs. When I showed this Yahoo Shine story chronicling Narvaez's anti-cry-it-out research -- and an interview in which Ferber actually backs off his own method--to Nick, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "It ain't fun for the baby, but that shit worked. Everybody got some sleep. You going for two years with only three hours of sleep at night isn't healthy either."

I think he might have said those exact words to me the first time I left Mari in her crib. Still, as much as his reasoning made sense, it just didn't feel right to me -- her mother. And when Nick told Mari we did this to her when she was a baby, she was incredulous: "What? You use to let me cry? You didn't come get me? You just left me there by myself?!"

That was Daddy, baby!

Yeah. That Ferber training didn't last long in our house, and I don't remember even trying it with my Lila. (Which might explain why our daughters' nighttime routines were a little worthy-of-a-Broadway-production hectic for longer than they should have been. But whatevs.) My babies and I benefited greatly from our nightly bonding sessions and co-sleeping arrangements, and I'm glad I did it for as long as I did.

Now that we've got this babies need to cry it out business out of the way, I've got some ideas on what researchers need to look into next: I'm waiting for the study to show that beating your kid like she stole something in what is supposed to be a friendly game of Go Fish and Checkers causes brain melt. I'm looking at you, Nicholas Chiles. I'm looking at you.

This post originally appeared on MyBrownBaby.com.

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