Below is a chapter in my forthcoming book, "People Savvy."
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF LISTENING
Remember To Be Gentler
You’re sitting in the office with your
customer as they talk about what they want, or the problems they are having
with a product or service. You want them to know you’re listening. You know
it’s important to show concern, but you’re a little tired, or they’re going on
and on, or maybe they’re saying some negative things and you’re feeling
defensive.
What can you do to help focus and show you are
listening? What body language cues show you are listening? Just like your sixth
grade teacher told you: be polite—be a gentleman or gentlewoman.
You should be GENTLER with your listening by following these G-E-N-T-L-E-R
tips.
Give
Facial Feedback
It is so easy to zone out as a listener, but
when you do, you can give a blank, open-mouthed look that resembles the face of
a kid after five hours of cartoons. Just like you have to work your abs to get toned
stomach muscles, you have to work your face to have toned empathetic skills.
Let your facial expressions show your emotional response to the message. If
they are concerned, show understanding by furrowing your brow. If they
are unhappy, frown and lower your eyes. Briefly matching their facial
expressions not only shows your customers you are listening, it creates the
same chemicals in your brain that body language shifts are creating in theirs,
and you will actually feel what they are feeling and understand them more
effectively.
Eye
Contact
A listener should give more eye contact than
the speaker. Research suggests that if you want to have good rapport you should
maintain eye-contact 60 to 70 percent of the time that someone is speaking to
you. Women have been shown to be better at this than men and actually need more
eye contact from listeners in order to feel comfortable in the
conversation. Even research on small children shows that young boys told to
converse on a topic sat side by side and talked to each other staring off into
space; little girls moved their chairs to face each other and watched each
other with full attention for their entire conversation. This may be because
dominance is communicated by either staring or a lack of eye contact. You
need to make good eye contact. Research shows that a normal business gaze
focuses on the eyes and the upper forehead and in a social gaze, the listener’s
gaze drops down to include the nose and the mouth.
Nod Your
Head
You do not have to be a bobble head, just
occasionally nod your head to show you are listening and empathetic with the
speaker’s message. And here’s an added bonus – nodding releases endorphin-like
chemicals into your bloodstream to make you feel good and more affable about
the speaker. Similar to eye contact, men and women approach head nodding
differently. Women nod their heads whether they agree with the speaker’s
message or not. Men may think that you agree with them if you nod too much; be
careful not to give mere “I’m listening”
nods if you disagree with what a man is saying.
Turn Off
Technology
We have become so accustomed to answering the
phone while looking at our computers, leaving our hands on the keyboard when
someone comes into our office or leaving our cell phones attached to us at all
times that we forget how rude those things are. Signal your intent to really
listen by turning away from your computer, letting phone calls go to voicemail,
ignoring your cell phone and saying out loud, “Let me turn this off while we
talk.” It’s amazing what a difference it will make in the
impression you give your customer—because so few listeners
take the time to be that polite.
Lean
Forward
Proximity, or being physically close, signals your
desire to be emotionally or physiologically close. I don’t mean get in their
face, but merely lean in toward the speaker. Research shows that in a
seated conversation, a backward lean communicates that you are dominant. A
forward lean shows interest.
Expose
Your Heart
You do not need to unbutton your shirt and
show your superman “S” to show you’re listening; just make sure you turn
towards the speaker. Orient the heart and upper portion of your
body toward the speaker. People disclose more to listeners facing them. Even a
quarter turn away signals a lack of interest and can make the speaker shut
down. It also says something about your response to the message. Research shows
that when people feel under attack or have low self-esteem, they protect their
vulnerable heart area on their chest. Body language is a wonderfully symbolic
language. To communicate you are an open, confident speaker and listener, you
need to show your heart.
There are gender differences. When men are
sitting directly across a table from one another, the table almost acts as a
castle wall and the direct heart-to-heart message becomes a challenge, creating
a feeling of competition and making them share less than they would when seated
side to side.
Remove
Barriers
That means take away things that block the
access or view of the speaker and you. The barrier used most often is the
arms. Though we have over 60 different motivations for folding our arms,
speakers see any arm fold as a barrier and a cue that you are not listening. In
fact, of all the different body language postures, the arm fold is the most
obvious indication of a lack of interest. You actually retain 30 percent less
information from the speaker when you listen with your arms crossed. So
unfold your arms. In addition, move the phone, books or stacks of papers on the
desk that sit between the front of your body and the speaker’s view. You can
even show that you are blocking a speaker’s message by holding your beverage
glass in front of your upper chest.
There is no greater gift to give to someone
than your interest. Be GENTLER with your listening.
www.pattiwood.net Copyright Communication
Dynamics 2005
To learn more about using body language to
increase your business success contact Patti Wood at www.pattiwood.net.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
