I just got a media request to discuss the traits and tactics
used by narcissists to control people. The journalist was inspired by the
following article in the link to seek more information on tactics used to
manipulate their targets. Can my next
media request be another story on Prince Harry and Meghan? Something happy.
http://www.urbo.com/content/tactics-used-by-narcissists-to-silence-you
Nonverbal Tactics
Used by Narcissists and Psychopaths to Seduce and Control People in Romantic
Relationships. By Patti Wood
I am a body language expert who speaks and writes on charisma, narcissism and
other dark triad behaviors. Malignant Narcissist, may use nonverbal behaviors
as tactics to manipulate their targets in the different stages of their abusive
romantic relationships. They seem to follow a playbook as their pattern of
behavior in their relationship is always, follow the same three stages, Idolize,
Devalue and Discard. And typically they cycle through the stages again and
again in what is called, “Rinse and Repeat” Confusing their targets as they go
from incredibly attentive and loving to mean and cruel. Eerily the first stage they
act out, “Idolization” can last for a weeks, months or even the first 20 years
of a marriage. What stage they are in and what nonverbal behaviors they select
depend on what is happening in their game. Narcissists use their target as a
source of narcissistic supply. They feed
on the targets emotions like a vampire. That supply may be gained from the
attention love and adoration of their target and or the pain and anguish of
their target and or the narcissistic rush from seeing the confusion of the
target as they “dupe” them. Without “supply” Narcissists feel they will
metaphorically or physically die) The Narcissists will cycle through being sweet
and or mean toward their targets in order to get the most supply. So what may
seem like loving, affectionate, ideal lover behaviors of a healthy person are
“acted out” by the narcissists to gain supply?
If someone is not sure if they are n healthy relationship or not. They
should check in with their feeling, emotions and limbic system’s stress
responses when they are with their partner and note if they feel drastic shifts
in emotions in short periods of time, from high to low, and or they feel
drained tired, confused, scared or other negative emotions in excess as those
are that are not normal feeling if you
are with a healthy romantic partner
1. Hypnotic gaze/starring - They look at
their target with focused intense gaze. They are reading their target’s every
emotion to know how to act. Hypnotic gaze typically is done to test boundaries.
They may do or say something uncomfortable right before or after the hypnotic
gaze to test how the target responds. It may feel to the target like love or
seduction. The target needs to check in to their feelings and body. If the gaze
makes them feel off, or it seems too intense, too exciting or dangerous, they
can test the “Health” of the gaze by breaking it. Even moving away from it and
or getting up and move or leave the room and monitor if they feel relief and if
their gazing partner’s response to the break is overly negative.
2. Simple Gazing - We typically think of
Narcissist needing attention, but in the Idolizing stage they gaze with
adoration, and desire “at” their target. They gaze and gaze till the target
gazes back at them. They create a feedback loop to get the constant gaze and
attention they desire. It’s tricky for any target to see this as something
manipulative, as you naturally want to gaze as someone you desire, like or
love. A “tell” that it could be manipulative is that it starts immediately,
often on the first date. Another “tell” is that can go on for hours, till the
target feels like they have gone on a long trip, (That is actually a trip
through stages of exhilaration, to exhaustion and back again through the
cycle.). The target can check in with their emotions and body to see if the gazing
feels good or not. Once the narcissist has you in their gaze game they know
they have you. Eye contact that intense can be highly addictive. That’s where
the narcissists have the power over the target. Now they have groomed the
target to gaze intensely at them so they have supply and they can break off the
eye contact to punish their targets/victims. You may want to note any nonverbal
behavior in a narcissists that seems to have an abrupt on off switch that they
control.
3. Invading space - Narcissists as a rule
stand closer than other people. They use space invasion to gain attention, intimidate,
show power, test boundaries, and to seduce.
4. Matching and Mirroring -They are
masters at matching and mirroring any targets body language especially in the Idolization
phase. Matching and mirroring are normal behaviors for people that like and
trust each other. But this will be, like their other nonverbal behaviors, over
the top. An example will be they reach for the glass the same moment the target
reaches for theirs. The narcissists may even smile and or comment on how high
highly matched they are. They may use Again, the narcissists is acting using a
nonverbal behavior manipulatively to create a connection then they can a stops
doing that “wonderful” behavior in the devaluing stage to punish their target. Once
the matching and mirroring stops, it may feel to the target that their partner
has changed personalities. It truth they have just stopped mimicking their
target. What the target see is the true person unmasked.
5. Breaking Boundaries and Rules -They
break boundaries, so they may even on the first meeting touch a target’s face or leg or in some other
inappropriate way to test how the target responds. If someone is going boundary
breaking note how you feel. For example, if you find yourself freezing in
place, that is body saying you are in danger. Narcissists may mask the intimacy
in sweetness or politeness, for example holding hands or putting their arm
around the target after they have only been together a few hours, but acting as
if they are already connected and inseparable and bound together. Assuming a
relationship, with physically intimacy when there is not a relationship is not
normal. Physical intimacy in a healthy relationship, such a holding hands
appears over time.
6. Lifting - They may lift the target up in
hug, throw them over their shoulder or carry the target. The “lifting you off
your feet” may feel thrilling to the target but, cause them not to be grounded
and strong “on their own two feet.” It is also something parents do with
children. It may indicate a power play. In the seduction/idealization phase the
narcissist works to make themselves more powerful and the target less powerful
and may use parent to child behaviors.
7. Talking over the target and or not letting
the target talk - Dominating the conversation. This “over talking” involves
auditory space invasion and other paralanguage factors that show they are in
control. They are often quite charming and good story tellers, so it may be
hypnotic to listen to them. The target needs to watch for a lack of inclusion. They
need to note if they are in a conversation at all. They may just be listening
to a monologue and that is not normal. A loving partner shares talking time
even with an introverted partner.
8. Loud Voice - the narcissist’s voice may
get louder and stronger, even when they and their target are the only two
people in the room. The target needs to note if there are abrupt changes in the
emotions of the voices say from seductive, to angry. A predatory narcissists
may respond with vocalized emotions that don’t seem to fit what is happening.
For example, they may get angry very quickly if the target does not give their
partner their full rapt attention.
9. Looking at Target as if they pity them or
think they are crazy-- In the “Gas lighting” game that typically occurs in
the Devalue and Discard stage the Narcissists will tell the target they did or
didn’t do something or something did or didn’t happen and then look at the target
as if they are crazy. “You bought a new dress to go out Friday night?” “I
didn’t say we would go out this Friday.” “I already have plans.” “You messed
up.” Then they look at the target with pity. This is brutal manipulation as
previously they gazed with love and admiration at the target for hours and
hours. The change from sweet to mean creates cognitive dissonance in the
target. And guess what? It can make the target feel crazy!
10. Spending Time Talking - They take the
targets time, and attention. Sometimes what makes it hard for the target to be
or feel strong or fight back is shear amount of time that Narcissists spend
talking. Time/Chronemics is a nonverbal phenomenon. Talking can become long monologues
that go on and on. It steels time from the target and it can exhaust and wear
their “target/partner/victim down. Charming Narcissists are spinners of tales
and once they get on a role about anything it can be impossible to stop them What
is the Idolize phase may have been back and forth conversations or interesting
stories shared now seems never ending talking by the Narcissists. Targets have
been “conditioned “to respond with their full rapt attention as that is what
the Narcissist did for them at the beginning of the relationship and may
occasionally treat them to. Targets want the intense attention they had but they
may no longer be getting from the Narcissist, so the target may keep giving
their all and listening intently. Targets that don’t give their all can be
punished further. Often by being given the polar opposite of what they craze, the
silent treatment of the Narcissists.
11. Silent Treatment - They also you the
nonverbal method of the silent treatment. That could be in response their
target asking them a question they don’t want to answer of making a request or
to punish any behaviors they see as unacceptable. They can simply stop talking,
they can leave the room. They may intensity the silent treatment by stooping what where normal talking routines, such as
multiple calls throughout the day, and or disappearing for hours, days or weeks
unexpectedly. That is particularly brutal tool to use after the trauma bond has
been formed with their target.
12. Abrupt mood changes and Parent/Adult/ Child
role changes. If they narcissists is not getting what they want they can
shift all their nonverbal behaviors in the blink of an eye and transform
themselves. For example, if their target is chastised them or questioning them
malignant narcissists can take on all the nonverbal behaviors of an innocent
victimized child, with doe like eyes and soft rounded body language cues. The
tell that they are not really innocent children is how the behaviors come on in
an instant and seem to disappear as soon the subject changes and the narcissists
has gotten what they wanted and or the subject changes. The narcissists can
also shift into sudden anger they shocks their target so the target can
continue questioning them or requesting something from them.
13. Dead Eyes - In the devalue discard
phases the narcissists may show their “Dead Eyes,” cold and malevolent and
soulless and scary. The target is actually seeing the emptiness of the
Narcissists. Malignant narcissists act and play their game to be fed because
behind their charming mask there is an empty void.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
