Here are my rough notes and insights from my new book in response to questions sent to me for a story on Glamour.com I have listed the body language cues first and then the answers so you can take this as a "Is He Into You?" body language quiz:
1. He Licks His Lips
2. He Talks with His Hands
3. He Pushes Your Hair out of Your Eyes
4. He Rubs His Collarbone or Stomach
5. He Sways While Speaking
6. He Raises His Eyebrows
7. He Fidgets in His Chair
8. He Runs His Fingers through His Hair
9. He Sits or Stands with His Legs Splayed
10. He Strokes His Face
11. He Reaches Out His Hand
12. He Kisses You... On Your Forehead
1. He Licks His Lips: When we get nervous our saliva glands stop secreting and our mouths get dry. If someone licks his lips before he talks he could merely be nervous or he could be nervous because he is uncomfortable with what he is about to say. Perhaps he is embarrassed, perhaps he is lying. If he licks his lips after he speaks he is likely trying to erase what he just said because it is a lie. Licking the lips after you speak is a strong "tell" of deceit. I call this move the tongue eraser.
2. He Talks with His Hands: People from certain cultures--Italy, Turkey, South America-- tend to talk more with their hands. It is part of their culture. Extroverts talk with their hands to be more expressive. Using your hands helps you access more information in your brain, especially emotional information and emotion laden words.
3. He Pushes Your Hair out of Your Eyes: If the touch is gentle and doesn't linger too long it’s a movement that shows tenderness and caring. If he frowns or grimaces as he does it, it shows a need to have things correct and/or perfect. If he gives you long lingering eye contact and his hand strays on your face a beat longer than necessary, he wants you. (It is a sexual come-on move.)
4. He Rubs His Collarbone or Stomach: These moves send very different signals. Rubbing the collarbone at the front of his body signals insecurity. It is not a usual move for a man. Women touch theirs when they are stressed. A man rubbing the back of his neck, signals stress and if he shows other signs like pressing his lips together tightly or bringing his eyebrows together in a V over the nose he may be ready to fight.
5. He Sways While Speaking: The meaning depends on the sway. Most swaying motions are comforting motions. We might sway to music. The front to back is typically a comforting motion mimicking being rocked in the mother's womb. If the sway brings him up on his toes it indicates happiness.
6. He Raises His Eyebrows: This can mean so many different things--surprise, happiness, recognition, a positive greeting from afar, skepticism. So much of the meaning is in the timing and words being said.
7. He Fidgets in His Chair: This restless motion communicates a lack of comfort with himself, the topic, the situation or the speaker.
8. He Runs His Fingers through His Hair: If the motion starts from the front of his face and goes all the way back and is done with some forcefulness and/or a sigh it could mean a desire to erase negative feelings. If he dips his head forward and gently cups his hair and smiles it signals he wants to look good. If he does that last move as he approaches you or you approach him, he is a bit nervous about his appearance because he wants to look good for you. It may mean he likes you.
9. He Sits or Stands with His Legs Splayed: He feels powerful or wants to feel powerful. Sitting with the legs splayed shows Machismo. "I am the alpha male."
10. He Strokes His Face: This is another of those cues where it depends on the other cues and the situation to determine the meaning. Stroking the chin typically means, "I am thinking about this." He is critically considering and evaluating the prospects of the situation.
11. He Reaches Out His Hand: If he is reaching in your direction he likes you and is symbolically reaching out to touch you. Reaching out palm down shows interest and a desire to touch. Reaching out with the palm up is unusual on a first date and would say hold my hand. A man would only reach out palm up, making him vulnerable, if he knew the woman well and knew he would not be turned down.
12. He Kisses You... On Your Forehead: A great sign of tenderness.
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How do you know if he loves you? Using body language to detect lying
How can reading body language and paralanguage alert you to whether or not he really loves you when he says he does? Remember that in nonverbal communication and deception detection, the timing is the “tell”. What does his body language look like just before he says, “I love you”? People feel and show what they are feeling before and as they are saying what they are feeling. The order of a honest person's message is feel, show, say. The primitive brain feels first without the words--just the pure emotion of love. Then the primitive brain, where emotions and body language are processed, shows with nonverbal cues that there is love present. Then the cognitive brain thinks of the words that say I love you. So just before he says I love you and/or as he says it, look for the cues. Is he making eye contact? Is his heart facing towards you? Does his face change with upward expressions before or as he says the words? Are his toes pointed towards your heart or towards the door? Listen to his voice. Does his tone and intonation reveal warmth and caring as he says the words. If all the nonverbal signs of love come before or during you are in luck. The man loves you. Or is the timing off? For example, he has a tight face with downward pulled muscles and clipped voice and he says "I love you," and then he smiles. If so, it is possible he might not be into you. Remember to look for the timing and duration of emotional gestures to be synchronous. If they are off the normal pace, delayed, stay longer than they would naturally, or stop suddenly, the man may be lying. OK guys, I know you may be reading this wondering, "Why did Patti make the guy the liar?" Simply because more women send me photos standing with their sweeties and ask me, “Is he in to me?” than men. A woman could give the same cues.
DISC Personality Style and Body Language
Getting What You Want from People.
How to Get Buy In, Follow Through and Enthusiastic Participation on Projects, Task and Goals.
By Patti Wood MA, CSP, Professional Speaker
Your boss walks into your cubical and says, “I need that project from you by 2:00,” turns around and walks out. How do you feel? Well if you’re a get it done kind of person, you might appreciate that he didn’t waste your time with niceties and was in and out. But if that is not your style you may get pretty mad. You’re really excited to tell your team you have a new project. It will require a lot of work and the deadline is almost impossible to meet without everyone putting in extra hours, but you're pumped. You go in smiling and read to rock. Speaking with an enthusiastic voice and lots of gestures and rah rah language you tell the team about the project. How do they respond? Well if they are fellow expressive types they might jump on the bandwagon with equal enthusiasm. However if they are get it right analyzers they are sitting there shaking their heads thinking of all the details that need to be taken care of, in other words all the mistakes that they will need to fix and how they will be spending every waking hour for the next three weeks. Different people need different delivery styles.
If you have an important idea to communicate to someone at work and you need other people's buy in, you have a task to assign to someone and you want to make sure they follow through, or you want to make sure you will get enthusiastic participation, what’s the best way to present your message? You need to consider the personality of the person you are going to talk to and form a message and delivery style that suits them. We often go in to persuade someone using the communication style that is comfortable for us. What we need to do is consider the personality type of the person we are speaking with! Below are the four basic personality types of the DISC personality inventory and their characteristics. Read what each one likes and prepare your message and delivery style to match your communication recipient's needs. Understand the underlying traits of the four main types, but know that most people are a combination.
The Amiable or Get Along. This type of person wants to be your friend. They respond to heavy use of the word "you" and the promise of an on-going relationship. They like warmhearted friendly conversations and a relaxed pace. Ask about their weekend and their kids before you ask for work from them. In fact, you should build relationship credits with them every week so when you really need them you have relationship credits to draw on. Also know a warm hello and a sincere thank you are as necessary as food and water to the Amiable. Amiable think carefully before taking any action and they don’t like change. You need to talk them through any new projects or changes in old routines to get them to buy in and follow through, otherwise they will keep doing it the old way or what they may consider the way that has “always worked before.” They need to feel a sense of security before moving forward. They best way to get work from an amiable is to become their friend. Make your body language warm, your voice soft and relaxed, and smile.
More on the other types this Sunday!
How to Get Buy In, Follow Through and Enthusiastic Participation on Projects, Task and Goals.
By Patti Wood MA, CSP, Professional Speaker
Your boss walks into your cubical and says, “I need that project from you by 2:00,” turns around and walks out. How do you feel? Well if you’re a get it done kind of person, you might appreciate that he didn’t waste your time with niceties and was in and out. But if that is not your style you may get pretty mad. You’re really excited to tell your team you have a new project. It will require a lot of work and the deadline is almost impossible to meet without everyone putting in extra hours, but you're pumped. You go in smiling and read to rock. Speaking with an enthusiastic voice and lots of gestures and rah rah language you tell the team about the project. How do they respond? Well if they are fellow expressive types they might jump on the bandwagon with equal enthusiasm. However if they are get it right analyzers they are sitting there shaking their heads thinking of all the details that need to be taken care of, in other words all the mistakes that they will need to fix and how they will be spending every waking hour for the next three weeks. Different people need different delivery styles.
If you have an important idea to communicate to someone at work and you need other people's buy in, you have a task to assign to someone and you want to make sure they follow through, or you want to make sure you will get enthusiastic participation, what’s the best way to present your message? You need to consider the personality of the person you are going to talk to and form a message and delivery style that suits them. We often go in to persuade someone using the communication style that is comfortable for us. What we need to do is consider the personality type of the person we are speaking with! Below are the four basic personality types of the DISC personality inventory and their characteristics. Read what each one likes and prepare your message and delivery style to match your communication recipient's needs. Understand the underlying traits of the four main types, but know that most people are a combination.
The Amiable or Get Along. This type of person wants to be your friend. They respond to heavy use of the word "you" and the promise of an on-going relationship. They like warmhearted friendly conversations and a relaxed pace. Ask about their weekend and their kids before you ask for work from them. In fact, you should build relationship credits with them every week so when you really need them you have relationship credits to draw on. Also know a warm hello and a sincere thank you are as necessary as food and water to the Amiable. Amiable think carefully before taking any action and they don’t like change. You need to talk them through any new projects or changes in old routines to get them to buy in and follow through, otherwise they will keep doing it the old way or what they may consider the way that has “always worked before.” They need to feel a sense of security before moving forward. They best way to get work from an amiable is to become their friend. Make your body language warm, your voice soft and relaxed, and smile.
More on the other types this Sunday!
What Can Your Voice Reveal About Your Personality?
What if you could go in for your first appointment with a doctor and know whether or not he or she had been sued for malpractice merely by listening to the tone of his or her voice? Would that seem magical? Well you can. Recent research that removed the meaning of the words from real surgeons' messages and played merely the tone of their voices to subjects found that the subjects where able to distinguish the doctors who had actually been sued for malpractice from the ones who had not. OK, the ones that had been sued may have sounded a bit like the grouch TV doctor House who seems to hate his patients, but the real discovery is that the difference in someone's tone of voice reveals so much about them. I was working with a client this week who was upset with a coworker for, "..making him wrong". I asked him to use my conflict management tool, the ERASER method (check out the full How To article on my website www.PattiWood.net under articles), to write a script to the coworker about his behavior. It turns out that the coworker said nothing in the word message about my client being wrong. My client felt he was being made wrong by the tone of voice his coworker was using. Here is a link to the research study on the doctors tone of voice revealing a history of malpractice. While you're there check out the site. It is one of my personal favorites. http://www.medscape.com/medline/abstract/12110787
The Effect of Attractiveness on Job Success
I have been reading a ton of research on how nonverbal communication effects or is effected by technologically based interactions. This is for a client that will video tape my presentation this afternoon. I have a link to a great study. http://www.redorbit.com/news/science/167/the_effects_of_physical_attractiveness_on_jobrelated_outcomes/index.html
The effects of physical attractiveness on job-related outcomes is particularly interesting. I talk about the effect of attractiveness quite a bit. This article has a great review of the literature. I am interested in the research showing that, "What is beautiful is good."
"Substantial empirical evidence and three meta-analyses have firmly established the existence and validity of a "what-is- beautiful-is-good stereotype" (e.g., Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972; Eagly et al, 1991; Feingold, 1992; Jackson et al., 1995). For example, meta-analyses by Eagly et al. (1991) and Feingold (1992) showed that attractiveness has (a) a strong effect on perceptions of social competence, social skills, and sexual warmth, (b) a moderate effect on perceptions of intellectual competence, potency, adjustment, dominance, and general mental health, and (c) a weak effect on perceptions of integrity and concern for others. In addition, sex-of-target differences were observed for the perceptions of sexual warmth and intellectual competence. More specifically, the effects of attractiveness on perceptions of sexual warmth were stronger for women than for men (Feingold, 1992). However, the effects of attractiveness on perceptions of intellectual competence were stronger for men than for women (Jackson et al., 1995).
Furthermore, more recent meta-analyses (Langlois et al., 2000) have shown that (a) following actual interaction with others, perceivers judge attractive individuals more positively (e.g., in terms of interpersonal competence, occupational competence, social appeal, adjustment) and treat them more favorably (e.g., visual/ social attention, positive interaction, reward, help/cooperation, acceptance) than less attractive individuals, and (b) attractive individuals experience more positive outcomes in life (e.g., occupational success, popularity, dating experience, sexual experience, physical health) than less attractive individuals."
http://www.redorbit.com/news/science/16753/the_effects_of_physical_attractiveness_on_jobrelated_outcomes/index.html
The effects of physical attractiveness on job-related outcomes
Posted on: Friday, 11 July 2003, 06:00 CDT
Discussion
Attractiveness can have a nontrivial, positive impact on individuals' job-related outcomes, even when job- relevant information about them is available to decision makers.
In spite of this study's failure to find a moderating effect of individuating information on the relationship between attractiveness and various job-related outcomes, we believe that this type of information can reduce the degree of reliance that decision makers place on attractiveness. Moreover, we suspect that our failure to find a moderating effect may have been attributable to two factors. First, our study may not have had enough statistical power to detect the effect. Second, the rather crude way in which the individuating information variable was operationalized in our study may have led to the failure to find such an effect.
Between- Versus Within-Subjects Designs
Our meta-analysis showed that the effect of attractiveness may be especially pronounced in research calling for evaluators to sequentially observe and evaluate several individuals who differ in terms of attractiveness (e.g., as is true of research using within- subjects designs). Under such conditions, differences in attractiveness among targets are likely to be more salient than when only one target is observed and evaluated (e.g., as is true of research using between-subjects designs). The same results are consistent with those of studies by Eagly et al. (1991) and Olian et al. (1988). However, similar to a note of caution advanced by Olian et al. (1988), we recognize that this study's findings may not generalize to actual employment situations. The reason for this is that the studies considered by our meta-analysis involved research in which participants made judgments about hypothetical, as opposed to actual, job applicants or incumbents. Nevertheless, it deserves noting that the strategy followed in research using within-subjects designs more closely reflects what occurs in "real world" selection contexts than that followed in research using between-subjects designs (e.g., Olian et al., 1988). That is, organizational decision makers typically evaluate two or more job applicants or job incumbents within a relatively short time interval. Thus, we believe that the closer in time two or more applicants or incumbents are evaluated by raters (e.g., personnel interviewers), the greater will be the bias in ratings attributable to differences in attractiveness among them.
Time Period of Attractiveness Research
As noted above, our meta-analysis showed differences in the magnitude of the attractiveness effect as a function of period during which studies were published: The strength of the same bias during the 1995-1999 period was smaller than the strength of the bias for the 1975-1979 and 1980-1984 periods (p < .01). These results suggest that the strength of attractiveness bias has decreased in recent years. However, at this point in time, the reasons for this decrease are not known.
The effects of physical attractiveness on job-related outcomes is particularly interesting. I talk about the effect of attractiveness quite a bit. This article has a great review of the literature. I am interested in the research showing that, "What is beautiful is good."
"Substantial empirical evidence and three meta-analyses have firmly established the existence and validity of a "what-is- beautiful-is-good stereotype" (e.g., Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972; Eagly et al, 1991; Feingold, 1992; Jackson et al., 1995). For example, meta-analyses by Eagly et al. (1991) and Feingold (1992) showed that attractiveness has (a) a strong effect on perceptions of social competence, social skills, and sexual warmth, (b) a moderate effect on perceptions of intellectual competence, potency, adjustment, dominance, and general mental health, and (c) a weak effect on perceptions of integrity and concern for others. In addition, sex-of-target differences were observed for the perceptions of sexual warmth and intellectual competence. More specifically, the effects of attractiveness on perceptions of sexual warmth were stronger for women than for men (Feingold, 1992). However, the effects of attractiveness on perceptions of intellectual competence were stronger for men than for women (Jackson et al., 1995).
Furthermore, more recent meta-analyses (Langlois et al., 2000) have shown that (a) following actual interaction with others, perceivers judge attractive individuals more positively (e.g., in terms of interpersonal competence, occupational competence, social appeal, adjustment) and treat them more favorably (e.g., visual/ social attention, positive interaction, reward, help/cooperation, acceptance) than less attractive individuals, and (b) attractive individuals experience more positive outcomes in life (e.g., occupational success, popularity, dating experience, sexual experience, physical health) than less attractive individuals."
http://www.redorbit.com/news/science/16753/the_effects_of_physical_attractiveness_on_jobrelated_outcomes/index.html
The effects of physical attractiveness on job-related outcomes
Posted on: Friday, 11 July 2003, 06:00 CDT
Discussion
Attractiveness can have a nontrivial, positive impact on individuals' job-related outcomes, even when job- relevant information about them is available to decision makers.
In spite of this study's failure to find a moderating effect of individuating information on the relationship between attractiveness and various job-related outcomes, we believe that this type of information can reduce the degree of reliance that decision makers place on attractiveness. Moreover, we suspect that our failure to find a moderating effect may have been attributable to two factors. First, our study may not have had enough statistical power to detect the effect. Second, the rather crude way in which the individuating information variable was operationalized in our study may have led to the failure to find such an effect.
Between- Versus Within-Subjects Designs
Our meta-analysis showed that the effect of attractiveness may be especially pronounced in research calling for evaluators to sequentially observe and evaluate several individuals who differ in terms of attractiveness (e.g., as is true of research using within- subjects designs). Under such conditions, differences in attractiveness among targets are likely to be more salient than when only one target is observed and evaluated (e.g., as is true of research using between-subjects designs). The same results are consistent with those of studies by Eagly et al. (1991) and Olian et al. (1988). However, similar to a note of caution advanced by Olian et al. (1988), we recognize that this study's findings may not generalize to actual employment situations. The reason for this is that the studies considered by our meta-analysis involved research in which participants made judgments about hypothetical, as opposed to actual, job applicants or incumbents. Nevertheless, it deserves noting that the strategy followed in research using within-subjects designs more closely reflects what occurs in "real world" selection contexts than that followed in research using between-subjects designs (e.g., Olian et al., 1988). That is, organizational decision makers typically evaluate two or more job applicants or job incumbents within a relatively short time interval. Thus, we believe that the closer in time two or more applicants or incumbents are evaluated by raters (e.g., personnel interviewers), the greater will be the bias in ratings attributable to differences in attractiveness among them.
Time Period of Attractiveness Research
As noted above, our meta-analysis showed differences in the magnitude of the attractiveness effect as a function of period during which studies were published: The strength of the same bias during the 1995-1999 period was smaller than the strength of the bias for the 1975-1979 and 1980-1984 periods (p < .01). These results suggest that the strength of attractiveness bias has decreased in recent years. However, at this point in time, the reasons for this decrease are not known.
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