Not Everyone is a Hugger

Here is a link to a story I was interviewed for on hugging,
http://www.herald-mail.com/?module=displaystory&story_id=141485&format=html

Not Everyone's a Hugger
By: Julie E. Greene
June 30, 2006
julieg@herald-mail.com

Candace Culbreath, 17, of Mont Alto, Pa., saw an older friend she hadn't seen for years at the Mummers' Parade last year and got an unexpected, uncomfortable hug.
"The hug was kind of extended and he was a little too close," Candace recalled.
So she pushed him away a little - drawing a funny look from him, but message received.
Sometimes hugging just isn't appropriate, but huggers might not be aware or just might not care. On Wednesday Candace averted an oncoming, unwanted hug from a friend's boyfriend by sticking her hand out for a handshake as he approached. That's exactly what she should have done to avoid an unwanted or creepy hug, experts said. "Put the arm out first to establish the greeting and that will eliminate a lot of the unwanted hugging and kissing. Not all of it, but some of it," said Barbara Pachter, an author and expert on business and international etiquette.

If an extended arm doesn't stop the oncoming hug, turn to present the side of your body and wrap an arm around the person's shoulder so it's a side-to-side hug rather than a frontal hug, said Patti Wood, a body-language expert and author of "Success Signals: A Guide to Reading Body Language." About 3 percent of the American population finds touch repugnant, Wood said. Whether a hug is appropriate often depends on a person's perception of what's good and bad, she said. People have become more aware of sexual harassment since the 1980s, Wood said. Now, people often find a hug or kiss uncomfortable because they perceive some sexual intent. A guy might press his chest against a woman's breasts too closely, or put his pelvis up against a woman's body, or the hug might linger too long, she said. Wood said men rarely see a woman hugging a man as uncomfortable and if they do, it's because he doesn't know her that well.

However, Pachter said even some men don't want to be hugged. Wood said it tends to be female salespeople who have the biggest problem with inappropriate hugs - from clients. In sales, sometimes people like to hug and kiss because it shows you have a special relationship, Pachter said. "But - and it's a huge but - you need to understand that it sends messages and people might not like the message," she said. For instance, a saleswoman who goes to hug and kiss a long-standing client in front of the client's new co-worker might be giving the new co-worker the wrong idea, Pachter said. He might now think it's OK for him to hug and kiss her.

Pachter knows of one instance in which a saleswoman who regularly hugged and kissed a certain client, saw the client out at dinner one night and gave him a big hug and kiss - in front of his wife.
That was not OK, Pachter said. "You need to know where you are when you're doing these things," she said. Awkward kisses can be more difficult to combat than hugs because sometimes it's cultural and a person could lose out on business, Wood said. For instance, the French like to do the "triple kiss." Yolonda Pikemuccini, of Waynesboro, Pa., said how she reacts to an unwanted hug depends on the setting.

Overseas, a hug could be a cultural gesture so she'd be less uncomfortable with that. If someone she'd just met or didn't know well - in the states - tried to hug her, Pikemuccini said she'd hold her purse and make sure everything stayed in her wallet. Staci Gigeous, 25, of Hagerstown, said sometimes she's allowed the hug but then stepped back nonchalantly afterward so there's more personal space between them to send a message for the future. Or, in some instances, she'll say something to the person so there isn't another occurrence.

The moves people make to avoid hugs are the same ones that people who want to hug others should keep an eye out for so they don't share an unwanted embrace, Wood said. This includes eye contact dropping down.

"If you're a hugger, be conscious of those," she said.

Body Language Cues That He is Just Not That Into You

On-the-Rocks Body Language
How do you know if he is lying to you or mad at you?

While he is talking about what he did last night when he wasn't with you he shifts his pelvis position or leans slightly back or moves his position in his seat and/or nervously grips his hands or taps his fingers, biting his bottom lip, pausing unnaturally between thoughts. These cues are not normal for your man to have when he is deciding on a simple night out. If they're done while he's explaining himself to you, they may actually indicate he is nervous because he is making up the details and fears you will know he is lying.

He rubs his ears or his nose as he says he loves you. If your guy is conversing with you and his hands are away from his face until he starts talking about the two of you and then he starts rubbing his nose or ear (and he doesn't have allergies), you might want to notice what is making him nervous. We rub our nose or ear when something doesn't smell right or sound right to us. When your guy is stressed the blood may to rush to his face. His nose and ears may get warm and begin to itch, causing him to unconsciously rub or scratch them.

Here is what you have read in all the magazines, "The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he's recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there's a good chance that he's inventing the answer." It is not that simple. Most of the research says that where you look to recall information is determined by whether your right handed or left handed. And there is also the possibility's your guy may have rehearsed his lie and is remembering that lie when he shares it with you.

He averts his eyes. About 50% of the time the lack of eye contact will reveal to you that someone is lying. Because animosity is so hard to conceal, your guy may reduce eye contact. Shame and embarrassment make us avert our gaze. He may be afraid that just one peek into his eyes will reveal his inner thoughts.

His jaw is tense. Check out the spot where his jaw meets his cheekbone. If his mouth is rigid and you can see his jaw flexing, it's a sign he's fuming.

He covers his mouth with his hand. He may be nervous, he may be afraid his breath is bad, but notice if he only covers his mouth when he is sharing what he did last night or how he feels about you. When he unconsciously obstructs your view of his lips, it can be a sign that he's trying to block the truth from slipping out. In addition, he might lick his lips and look away from you.

He turns his cheek away from you. Occasionally averting his eyes or scanning the room is normal, but if you find yourself talking mostly to his profile, you're in trouble. We give our full face to the person we love and adore. So unless the other half of his face is looking at the Super Bowl you might investigate if something is up if you see this profile only move. Remember, body language cues of deception and anger are not gender specific but these cues my help you discover if he is just not that into you.

End a Relationship with Face to Face Communication

I get a weekly email of a romance column called "Ask a bachelor". The journalist gives her sage advice with hip insight and a funny delivery. One of my favorite pieces of advice is to a 40 something engineer who is analyzing his last relationship. Or rather obsessing about whether the last relationship worked. "Since you’re analytical, here’s a formula to keep in mind for next time: When you’re talking about a relationship more than you’re actually living it, it’s time to pull the plug."
How many of us talk and talk about a relationship to our friends and analyze and analyze the relationship inside our heads when what we really need to do is talk to the person we are in the relationship with face to face? The other person can't read our minds and probably can't overhear our phone calls or text messages and emails to our friends. We have to talk face to face and if you can't do that, then end the relationship face to face not with a mere click of the mouse.

Obama's gray hair

I just read in the New York Times that they wonder why Obama's hair has turned gray. They wonder, "Is he under too much stress?" Perhaps he is staying up at night worried about our economy. Keeping the doors of the white house open to let in the homeless and offer them cookies. No, stress is not the reason his hair is gray. I think he stopped dying it. I am a body language expert and I just started dying my two or three white hairs blond.
Stress should not make Obama’s hair turn gray. Hair turns gray because the pigment cells in the shaft of the hair stop making pigment.
There is a theory that the shortened stages of hair growth as we age lead to less pigment i.e. gray hair or alternatively, little to no pigment at all--white hair. Another factor in graying hair is hydrogen peroxide. Hydrogen peroxide is a natural oxidant; we produce an enzyme called catalase that breaks down hydrogen peroxide turning it into water and oxygen. As we age the catalase function decreases, but the levels of hydrogen peroxide increase. High levels of hydrogen peroxide block the production of pigment, leading to gray hair. There are very few people who we like and respect more with gray hair. The President of the United States is one of them. Peter Frampton, David Cassidy, The Beach Boys and Paul McCartney, not so much.
I think Obama dyed his hair during the political race and now he wants the world to know he is wise so he has stopped coloring it. Paul McCartney is coming for a concert in Atlanta next week in Piedmont park. I plan on getting close enough to notice his natural hair color. I bet he knows we want him young and hip.

Your sneeze reveals your DISC personality style

Mention of my sneeze research on Sandy Watsey's Blog.

3. How we sneeze could say something about us.
Of all the characteristics that potentially reveal our inner selves, I never thought sneezing could be one of them. However, body language expert Patti Wood says otherwise. She did Benadryl-sponsored study of 547 people and their sneeze habits, coming up with four types of sneezes that she believes are personality indicators.

•The “Correct” carries Kleenex and is careful to cover her mouth when sneezing, meaning she’s respectful of others and likes to maintain a dignified disposition.
•The “Supporter” tends to hold in sneezes rather than risk sneezing on someone, which indicates a quiet and caring character.
•The “Expressive” makes a big production out of sneezing and often sneezes multiple times at once, possibly making her a showy and dominating person.
•The “Driver” sneezes loudly but quickly, making her direct and forward-thinking