Where did that come from? Tips for better communication with the opposite sex
Here is an article I was recently quoted in written by
Susan H. Burnell, APR*
Imagination Ink - Business Writing & Public Relations
Why is it so difficult for men and women to communicate effectively? Is it just the way we’re wired? By learning about the differences in com¬munication styles, we can move on to more effec¬tive exchanges with fellow students, work colleagues, friends and family members.
“The primary differ¬ence between the genders is that men, in general, are resolvers and women are relaters,” says Certified Corporate Trainer Rosalind Sedacca. “As resolvers, men focus on doing, taking action, find¬ing solutions, getting things done and solving problems. As a result, they are very externally focused.”
“As relaters, women focus on pleasing, com¬municating, making connections, understand¬ing feelings, exploring emotions and being understood,” Sedacca continues. “As a result, they are more introspec¬tive and internally focused.”
The work of acclaimed author Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. sums up these dif¬ferences succinctly, says Sedacca. “Tannen points out that women talk to establish rapport, while men talk to report.”
Competition vs. Empathy
Cognitive behavior therapist Jayme Albin, Ph.D. helps people build awareness of differing communication styles so they can improve their own communication and assertiveness skills.
“Men seek to preserve a sense of hierarchy,” she notes. “That’s why they are more comfortable being outwardly competi¬tive with peers. Women, on the other hand, often will look to align them¬selves with their peers and express empathy by estab¬lishing themselves as equals. This is why women often share related stories with one another during times of despair. It conveys to the other person, ‘I have been in your position before and can relate.’”
In her book Talking from 9 to 5, Tannen expands on her insights into men’s and women’s conversational styles. While she maintains that no one style of speaking is superior, she emphasizes the importance of under¬standing our own styles, and knowing their limits and their alternatives, especially in work situations.
“The key is to acknowl¬edge and under¬stand the differences and expand our own styles to respond in ways appropri¬ate to the situation,” says Madeline Ann Lewis, president and CEO of Deline Institute for Professional Develop¬ment.
Giving him the nod
One distinct difference in styles that can lead to miscommunication is the way women often nod their heads as men talk.
“Women should be certain that they are com¬municating the correct message when they keep nodding to a male speaker,” says Lewis. “He may feel that you are in agreement when you are actually just indicating that you are listening.”
“Women nod their heads as feedback,” adds Certified Speaking Profes¬sional and body language expert Patti Wood, M.A. “For women, a head nod conveys ‘I get what you’re saying, go on.’ Yet a woman may nod whether she agrees with the speaker’s message or not. Men only nod to a speaker when they agree. So a man may become confused or even angry when the woman he’s talking with contradicts or argues with him. His interpretation is ‘She is nodding her head. She thinks I’m brilliant.’ Yet while she is nodding, she may be thinking, ‘I get it. Now finish, so I can disagree!’ So woman have to be careful how about giving ‘I’m listen¬ing’ nods if they disagree with what a man is say¬ing.”
Another conflict occurs when men don’t nod when a woman is talking, says Wood. “The woman may think, ‘That jerk isn’t listening to me. I listen and give him feed¬back all the time.’ Men typically do not give as much nonverbal feedback or even nonverbal utter¬ances like ‘uh huh’ to show they are listening. A woman may accuse a man of not really listening, when he is. And he may become frustrated, won¬dering ‘why she is so demanding?’”
With a little understanding, men and women can learn to anticipate and accommodate one another’s communication styles, and move toward better relationships in all areas of their lives.
Resources
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen (William Morrow, Ballantine)
That’s Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations With Others, by Deborah Tannen (William Morrow, Ballantine)
Talking from 9 to 5: How Women’s and Men’s Conversational Styles Affect Who Gets Heard, Who Gets Credit, and What Gets Done, by Deborah Tannen (William Morrow, New York)
Leadership and the Sexes, by Michael Gurian with Barbara Annis; (Jossey-Bass/John Wiley, 2008)
Jayme Albin, M.A., Ph.D.: www.AsktheCBT.com
Madeline Ann Lewis:www.delineinstitute.net
Rosalind Sedacca: www.womenhelpingwomenmastermind.com
Patti Wood, M.A.: www.PattiWood.net
Solutions for Dry Mouth
Recommendation for dry mouth for speakers. How do you cure or try solutions for day mouth? Students in my Public Speaking workshop often ask me what do I do about a dry mouth? Here are my recommended solutions for dry mouth.
The Spray for Sore Throat called Singers Throat. Moisture throat spray, sucking on sugar free cough drops before speaking, reducing or eliminating caffienated beverages and foods as well as salty that can which can constrict blood vessels, drinking a heck of lot more room temperature water. Because dry mouth is often caused by anxiety an anti anxiety medication may help and because it can be related to hormone depletion prescription hormones may help. The way you breath when you sleep can cause dry mouth so you may want to check with a sleep doctor. Dentists may also be able to recommend a mouth rinse or prescription.
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional
The Body Language Expert
Web- http://www.PattiWood.net
I have a new quiz on my YouTubestation. Check it out!
YouTube- YouTube - bodylanguageexpert's Channel
The Spray for Sore Throat called Singers Throat. Moisture throat spray, sucking on sugar free cough drops before speaking, reducing or eliminating caffienated beverages and foods as well as salty that can which can constrict blood vessels, drinking a heck of lot more room temperature water. Because dry mouth is often caused by anxiety an anti anxiety medication may help and because it can be related to hormone depletion prescription hormones may help. The way you breath when you sleep can cause dry mouth so you may want to check with a sleep doctor. Dentists may also be able to recommend a mouth rinse or prescription.
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional
The Body Language Expert
Web- http://www.PattiWood.net
I have a new quiz on my YouTubestation. Check it out!
YouTube- YouTube - bodylanguageexpert's Channel
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional
The Body Language Expert
Web- http://www.PattiWood.net
I have a new quiz on my YouTubestation. Check it out!
YouTube- YouTube - bodylanguageexpert's Channel
Obama Meeting with police officer and professor. (Gates and Crowley) and surprise the VP. My body language read of Obamam, Gates and Crowley will be in the New York Daily News tomorrow. I will have a link here to it Friday.
Obama: Police acted "stupidly"
Obama: Police acted "stupidly"(01:53) Report
Jul 23 - President Barack Obama criticized Massachusetts police after arresting a prominent black Harvard University professor at his own home -- weighing in on an escalating debate over the treatment of minorities by police. What do you think of his body language?
http://www.blogger.com/www.reuters.com
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional
The Body Language Expert
Web- http://www.PattiWood.net
I have a new quiz on my YouTube station.Check it out at The Body Language Expert's Channel.
Ben Roethlisberger's Body Language, Deception? Is he Lying?
I analyzed the body language of Steelers Quarter Back Ben Roethlisberger as he gave his statement to the media denying sexual assault charges on Fox Sports Radio 970 in Pittsburgh today.Here is the story and a link to the video in case you aren’t familiar with it: http://www.allheadlinenews.com/. And here is the VIDEO of Ben reading the statement http://www.wpxi.com/video/20156562/index.html. Lets look at Ben Roethlisberger's body language before this event to get his baseline for normal. Letterman show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19vaoeNw72E.
When you watch Ben's body language on the David Letterman show after the Super Bowl, you see a strong alpha male. He is a hero we can admire. He was so confident. He is sitting back in the chair and with his upper and lower torsos fully relaxed. His shoulders are relaxed down rather than up around his ears like a scared turtle as you sometimes see guests on the Letterman show. His legs are splayed out with the pelvis on display. The spread is more than sixteen inches wide showing his bravado and sexual confidence. Through most of the interview his hands and arms are relaxed, resting on top of his legs. The hands are open in a gesture of relaxed self-comfort. His paralanguage (his voice) is energetic. His heart is open and up to his audience again showing fearlessness. Several times, he makes direct eye contact with David Letterman, which also shows his confidence. Many guests have trouble making eye contact with Letterman, but Ben takes the ribbing in stride, smiling throughout. His body language is relaxed and his voice reveals no tension as he admits that he did not make the touchdown. He looks honest and forthcoming. Power is communicated nonverbally by the amount of space you take up whether your body language is open or closed and whether your body is relaxed or tense in a particular interview Ben shows the three pillars of powerful body language.
Promoting his football camp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4zekdD-Q2o.
In this interview, promoting his football camp, Ben is smiling again. His gestures are large and sweeping away from his body, showing his confidence. Obama gestures the same way. Ben's chin comes up at the end of sentences--again a body gesture shared with Obama that shows his confidence, and a bit of arrogance. He does get ruffled when he is asked questions about his past bad year. Each time he is asked about his past, notice how he presses his lips together to hold in his emotions. When he is asked to talk about what it is like to be him he rubs his ear and his voice becomes clipped and strident revealing stress. Notice how his words say great things about his fans but his body language shows something different. He is actually showing extreme stress. Notice the revelation of that stress as he shares how with his words that it a good thing that people yell and scream his name but his face grimaces and the corners of his mouth come down. A moment later his words say, “It’s better for them to be yelling your name than not.” and “You have to be a fan of the fans.” However, he is frowning. In addition, he is shaking his head no, as he is saying. “It’s great.” To have fans.
When you watch Ben's body language on the David Letterman show after the Super Bowl, you see a strong alpha male. He is a hero we can admire. He was so confident. He is sitting back in the chair and with his upper and lower torsos fully relaxed. His shoulders are relaxed down rather than up around his ears like a scared turtle as you sometimes see guests on the Letterman show. His legs are splayed out with the pelvis on display. The spread is more than sixteen inches wide showing his bravado and sexual confidence. Through most of the interview his hands and arms are relaxed, resting on top of his legs. The hands are open in a gesture of relaxed self-comfort. His paralanguage (his voice) is energetic. His heart is open and up to his audience again showing fearlessness. Several times, he makes direct eye contact with David Letterman, which also shows his confidence. Many guests have trouble making eye contact with Letterman, but Ben takes the ribbing in stride, smiling throughout. His body language is relaxed and his voice reveals no tension as he admits that he did not make the touchdown. He looks honest and forthcoming. Power is communicated nonverbally by the amount of space you take up whether your body language is open or closed and whether your body is relaxed or tense in a particular interview Ben shows the three pillars of powerful body language.
Promoting his football camp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4zekdD-Q2o.
In this interview, promoting his football camp, Ben is smiling again. His gestures are large and sweeping away from his body, showing his confidence. Obama gestures the same way. Ben's chin comes up at the end of sentences--again a body gesture shared with Obama that shows his confidence, and a bit of arrogance. He does get ruffled when he is asked questions about his past bad year. Each time he is asked about his past, notice how he presses his lips together to hold in his emotions. When he is asked to talk about what it is like to be him he rubs his ear and his voice becomes clipped and strident revealing stress. Notice how his words say great things about his fans but his body language shows something different. He is actually showing extreme stress. Notice the revelation of that stress as he shares how with his words that it a good thing that people yell and scream his name but his face grimaces and the corners of his mouth come down. A moment later his words say, “It’s better for them to be yelling your name than not.” and “You have to be a fan of the fans.” However, he is frowning. In addition, he is shaking his head no, as he is saying. “It’s great.” To have fans.
There is a "Ben" gesture, a gesture he is known for. He brings his full arm up as he does thumbs up a characteristic Ben body language gesture. He really makes a show of moving his arm up so the thumb is up higher than a typical thumbs up. His thumb is actually at shoulder level, showing his 'up' body language and cockiness.
Signing his new deal last March http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o93sSGadbzQ
Ben’s body language as he is interviewed after signing his new deal last March is so incredibly happy. He voice is up, powerful, and energetic, as is his body language. He is genuine and that shows in his spontaneous comments and matching body language, which is smooth and flowing. He has again, what I call 'up' body language. Up posture shows confidence. When you are confident your posture, motions, voice, and smile are up.
When Ben comes out to make his statement to the press about the sexual assault, he moves quickly. It is clear he wants to get this done and get out of there. As soon as he reaches the podium he reaches across his body in a self comfort gesture apparently to adjust his tie. That movement brings his arm out and in front of his chest to protect his heart. Following this his arm goes away from his body in a very unusual high block. His next movement is seemingly to straighten his cuffs but in fact belies his desire to shake off his negative emotions. Before he speaks, his head comes down not just to look at his notes, it lingers two beats too long before you see and hear him bring his tongue back in his mouth and smack it.
Signing his new deal last March http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o93sSGadbzQ
Ben’s body language as he is interviewed after signing his new deal last March is so incredibly happy. He voice is up, powerful, and energetic, as is his body language. He is genuine and that shows in his spontaneous comments and matching body language, which is smooth and flowing. He has again, what I call 'up' body language. Up posture shows confidence. When you are confident your posture, motions, voice, and smile are up.
When Ben comes out to make his statement to the press about the sexual assault, he moves quickly. It is clear he wants to get this done and get out of there. As soon as he reaches the podium he reaches across his body in a self comfort gesture apparently to adjust his tie. That movement brings his arm out and in front of his chest to protect his heart. Following this his arm goes away from his body in a very unusual high block. His next movement is seemingly to straighten his cuffs but in fact belies his desire to shake off his negative emotions. Before he speaks, his head comes down not just to look at his notes, it lingers two beats too long before you see and hear him bring his tongue back in his mouth and smack it.
“Saturday is the first that I heard of her allegations.” The corners of his mouth go sharply down and back in a facial expression of denial. As he says, “I will respond to her outrageous allegations in the appropriate forum," he gives a quick aggressive tongue thrust showing he will attack. You can hear him heaving exhalations of breath. That is the way we get rid of negative emotions in the body. “I have an obligation to the Pittsburg Steelers (head down) and I will do that.” His tongues goes across his mouth and erases that statement, (tongue eraser gesture) showing it is a lie. He has several strong downward hand and arm movements called slicing motions that show his power and aggressiveness. Watch his motion as his says, “I am going to fight.” The gesture is not just strong, it is fully harmonious with his voice. He is absolutely telling the truth. He will fight this aggressively.
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