WHY ARE WE SO UNCOMFORTABLE BEING CLOSE
UP WITH STRANGERS?
Forced, close
distances get intense at 2 feet. Arm’s
length, our bodies go into a “Stranger Danger” stress response. You have heard
of the flight fight response it’s more complex. Close strangers may make you
want to freeze in place, flee, expand into fight response, faint or fade.
WHY ARE ELEVATORS SO ESPECIALLY AWKWARD?
People coming in
face forward into your space feels like an attack and invasion. And once you’re
trapped in that space there are no lines on the floor saying this is my space
that is yours. That’s why people hang out at the button panel; it gives them a
defined role space.
HOW CLOSE CAN WE GET TO ANOTHER PERSON?
In North America
our sense of self is external so we have a body bubble that has expanded to 18
inches.
WHAT IS THE DISTANCE WE ARE ALL GENERALLY
COMFORTABLE WITH?
Intimate
relationships 0 to 18 inches, for people we know but aren’t going to be kissing
2 feet in what is called personal distance. If we don’t know them and are
confined we want 4 feet or more (Think two arm lengths.)
TALKING…WHY DO WE FEEL WE SHOLDN’T TALK
TO STRANGERS IN CLOSE SPACES BUT SOMETIMES WE FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO?
Social proxemics
Typically When you have an intimate relationship,
think friend or family, both your primitive, limbic brain and social rules say
you can and should be physically close.
If you are forced to be close with a stranger you are battling the
physical messages that say this is scary and the social etiquette that says, I
should be nice, after all we’re close.
HOW DO WE SIGNAL THAT WE DON’T WANT TO
ENGAGE? AND WHAT’S THAT ABOUT?
Subtle limbic brain responses called
blocking and comfort cues.
WHAT ARE STRESS OR COMFORT CUES?
Blocking cues protect,
comfort cues make us feel better. Rapid blinking or something I see in elevators
eye shade, closing your eyes I don’t see you (or maybe you’re just napping),
crossing your arms to protect your body’s vulnerable ventral front.
WHAT DO WE DO TO BLOCK AND COMFORT
OURSELVES?
When mommy is
not here to hold us we self-comfort.
This alerts the nerve endings and creates endorphins that make us feel
better.
LET’S TALK ABOUT WHEN WE ARE STUCK SEATED
NEXT TO SOMEBODY ELSE: ON A PLANE, IN A THEATRE, ON A TRAIN, ON A BUS, ETC…
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE PHYSICAL THINGS WE DO TO CREATE A DISTANCE IF IT FEELS TOO
CLOSE?
We may
consciously avoid engagement leaning back or breaking eye contact by checking
our phones or reading. I have a theory
that women’s huge purses are to make women bigger, mightier and give her
something to use to block access.
IS THERE A GENDER DIFFERENCE?
This is huge.
Men feel attacked when sitting or standing face-to- face. (Think elevator) They tend to puff up, get
bigger in fight response or shut down and not talk. Men feel more comfortable
in side-by-side. So men can sit close on
stools at a bar. Women are socialized to
face and nurture children so if they are side-to-side and they want to start a
conversation they will turn and face their hearts toward you.
ON AIRPLANES, THERE’S A PARTICULAR
HEIGHTENED SENSE OF DISCOMFORT WHEN TALKING TO THE STRANGER SITTING NEXT TO US.
IS IT TRUE? AND WHY IS THAT?
You are on a small plane hurtling in the air and
there is no place to run. If you’re a frequent flyer, you know that seats use to give you six inches
of elbow room from your torso but now seats put you in an intimate space less
than 12 inches head to head.
OVERALL ANY GENERAL WORDS OF ADVICE OR
TIPS TO MAKE CLOSE SPACES WITH STRANGERS LESS AWKWARD AND MORE COMFORTABLE?
If you want to
ease stress, establish commonality, something that signals we are in this
together state something you have in common, the weather, the temperature in
the plane or train, the coffee. Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
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