The Proper Way to Apologize To Friends, Family, Co-workers and Customers

The Proper Way to Apologize

To Friends, Family, Co-workers and Customers

By Patti Wood Professional Speaker and Trainer

We all make mistakes. Often when we have made a mistake we feel uncomfortable dealing with it.  You first need to clarify in your mind what went wrong. Was it a simple error? Did you not realize it at the time, or did you know and hope you would not get caught? Is it something you feel bad about? Is it something that is likely to occur again? And think about its effect. Was it no big deal shoulder shrugs for the person or was it a heartbreaking mistake. You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for?  When you examine the mistake follow these rules step-by-step for an apology that takes the pain out of the process for you and lightens the pain of the offended party. The best way to apologize is face-to-face with the person but you can use some of these steps to form an apology letter as well.

Step One - Communicate your apology as soon as possible. Waiting to let some time pass is a great strategy when you’re a gardener waiting for your seeds to grow, but delay allows weeds to grow larger in a garden and bad situations to grow worse in our relationships. Dissonance makes people uncomfortable, so your friend who is upset with you taking a phone call during your lunch, or a customer upset that they waited too long will not remember the good behavior they will emphasize the bad and research shows it will actually grow in severity in their minds.

Step Two -Let go of your desire to win, be right, or make excuses. The Myers Briggs Personality test say there are two types of arguers, Thinkers who think the most important thing in the world is to be right and Feelers who feel it is the most important thing in the world to be liked. If you’re the “I want to be liked” person you may avoid apologizing to save embarrassment or hurting feelings. If you’re the “I am always right” person most of the time it’s not about winning or losing, it is about keeping and or maintaining a relationship.

Step Three - apologize. – You can say, “I apologize,” or “I am sorry.” Or my personal favorite, “I am sorry, I messed up.”

Step Four - Keep the message clear of “buts” and excuses. In order to sound professional you must keep your message clear and free of the “buts” So don’t say, “I’m sorry, but I had to take that phone call it was really important.”  Stay clear of the blame game. “I am sorry, but it’s not really my fault, my boss…”  You might think, “But sometimes it’s not my fault.”  It doesn’t matter who’s to blame; apologize anyway without giving an excuse. If you’re apologizing to a customer you know you are a representative of your company and therefore you have a responsibility to see that things go well. In all your relationships your willingness to be accountable will insure that you are seen as a responsible, mature individual.  If you start making excuses, you may start an argument. If you choose to be agreeable an argument is not possible.

Step Five - If there is an excuse use this magic phrasing. “I am sorry, I messed up, there is a reason and I would like to talk to you about it at some point but the most important thing for you to know now is that I am sorry.”  If the person is calm and rational they will immediately ask you the reason. If they are emotional, angry and upset, they are not ready to hear it and have a discussion about it, and could probably care less, but you have left an opening to talk about it later if you need to. If you absolutely must make an excuse right now for goodness sakes make the excuse briefer than your apology and whether writing an excuse or giving it face-to-face, follow it with another statement of apology.

Step Six - Make sure your voice, facial expressions and body language are sending the same message as your words. If you are not feeling respectful, your tone will tell the tale. When your word message and your nonverbal message disagree, people will always believe your nonverbal message is the true message that comments your honest emotions. If your voice is sarcastic in your message you are wasting your breath to apologize. You must apologize with complete sincerity without any subtle eye- rolls or exasperated looks or even looking away slightly. Anybody who has a teenager in their home knows the difference between a smart mouth apology and a real apology.

Step Seven - Sympathize. This is especially important if the person is emotional. If someone is emotional they will keep emoting till they feel heard and understood. Case in point, an angry customer will get angrier until they know you get their pain. Empathize.  Let the person know that you can identify with his feelings.  For example, “I understand you’re very frustrated about receiving a faulty product or poor service.  I would be frustrated to.”  When someone feels heard they don’t have to keep talking! Their feelings have been validated. You can also assure them that you did not mean them harm. For example, “I did not mean to offend you with that comment.”

Step Eight - Accept responsibility for the situation. You’re an adult. You cannot blame mommy. Be accountable. If you’re not going to be accountable do not apologize just to say you did.  If you are willing let the person know that you intend to do whatever it takes to make things right. You can’t help what has already happened, but you will come up with a solution to the problem. Or if you’re in a business situation you will find someone who can. When I suggest you take responsibility I mean, you accept it. Do not say, “We are sorry.” Instead say, “I am sorry.”

Step Nine - Show your regret. Just as I said people will complain till they see you get there pain, some people will not fully accept an apology unless they know you have suffered too. I don’t mean that meanly, just know that pain for pain can make a conflict disappear. Come right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. “I felt bad the minute I said that. I'm ashamed of myself.”

Step Ten - Take the heat. This is the toughest part. After you say you’re sorry you need to stop and listen to hear the person share their pain and anger.

Step Eleven - Repair the damage. To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged someone's property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask “What can I do to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the offer must be sincere. “I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future. Meantime, let me buy you a cup of coffee. “Another way to repair the damage is to send a note or a small gift.

Step Twelve - Take action. For your apology to be complete you need to do something to repair or fix the injury. Decide what you can do and tell the person. If you won’t be late next time, if you will no longer take cell phone calls at dinner, if you will replace the defective or incorrect product as quickly as possible. Try to avoid the word “try” in your repair step. I have a pet peeve about the word try. I think it makes the user sound like a teenager, “I’ll try not to be late.” Sounds in a teenage vernacular, lame.  If you don’t know what to do, if there is nothing obviously concrete for you to do or you’re not sure what you thought of is enough ask, “What can I do to make this up to you.” If you’re dealing with a customer, you can offer a bonus of some sort or waive fees if possible. It doesn’t hurt to offer friends and family a bonus as well.

Following these steps can soften a hurt. And know that it never hurts to send flowers!!

Patti Wood, MA, The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

Trump, Hilary Clinton and Anger, What are the Gender Differences.

Gender Differences in Anger 

Unfortunately, we perceive women’s anger differently than we do a man’s. Research shows that if a man is perceived as emotional he is considered more credible for getting angry. But when the woman was perceived as emotional, participants became surer of their own opinion, even if they considered the woman credible. As the researchers in one study put it: “When a woman expresses anger, this does not just make her seem less credible, but seems to make assessing her credibility irrelevant.”(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/people-reward-angry-men-but-punish-angry-women-study-suggests_us_561fb57be4b050c6c4a47743)

Patti Wood, MA,  - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Clinton and Trump's Body Language Durring the First Debates.

Here is a another story I did on Clinton and Trump. I have been a media machine! I am being selective about what I post. I am also not putting up the TV interviews.

Here you go Patti. It's done r ally well online. Thanks again.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/body-language-presidential-debates-1.3774803

Patti Wood, MA, - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Body Language Expert reads Hitler in Documentary

The six part Hitler Documentary I was interviewed for begins this Sunday evening at ten on More4 if you can get it. It's been airing in other countries for awhile and will eventually be on the Discovery Channel. My shoot lasted 10 hours and I have no idea what segments of mine they will use, but it was a very interesting project. I studied his body language in videos for several months. I should have written a thesis on him! I have blog posts on some of my reads if you search with the word Hitler. 





Patti Wood, MA, The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Clinton and Trump, beyond words: What the handshakes, smiles, grimaces, finger-pointing and sniffles revealed

Clinton and Trump, beyond words: What the handshakes, smiles, grimaces, finger-pointing and sniffles revealed

Douglas Quan
Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2016

It is often said that for voters, picking a leader has less to do with policy positions and more to do with who you would be most comfortable inviting for dinner. With that in mind, the National Post asked four body-language experts to assess Donald Trump’s and Hillary Clinton’s debate performance: Diane Craig, president of Corporate Class, Toronto; Mark Bowden, president of TruthPlane, Toronto; Dave Matsumoto, a psychology professor at San Francisco State University and director of Humintell; and Patti Wood, president of Communication Dynamics, Atlanta.

The handshake

Mark Bowden: Trump gets the advantage position by coming in on the audience’s left side, which means his handshaking hand is forward to the camera, which should make his arm bigger. But Clinton does a countermeasure by extending her arm out so he has to withdraw his arm back closer to his body.

Diane Craig: Trump put his hand on her back; that’s a sign of superiority when you do that.

Facial expressions

DC: Trump has this natural pout when he listens. Both corners of his mouth go down, like when a child is pouting. I don’t know if it’s because he’s used to getting his way. Another thing he does is his eyebrows go down. It’s a definite sign of anger, frustration. Clinton smiled a lot — almost too much. I felt that some of her nervous energy was going into her smile. The amount of smiling she did was betrayed from time to time with deep sighing. It’s a little more difficult to read her facial expressions because of her eyebrows — nothing’s moving. I was trying to watch, it’s like frozen in time.

MB: We saw a look of contempt, a one-sided frown from Trump, and an eye roll when Clinton said she prepared for the evening and ‘I prepared to be president.’ She pretty much had one signature gesture, which was her smile. For the most part, it was effective and well-executed.

Dave Matsumoto: Looking away and rolling his eyes were unmoderated to some extent. So Trump has more of a perception of genuineness. There’s less question about what he’s feeling, whereas Clinton has the same pasted expression throughout, a controlled expression, pursing her lips. Much of the time, her smile was asymmetrical. People might interpret it as a smirk and her laughing off of responses feeds into a perception she’s standoffish.

Patti Wood: Trump has a broad emotional range. He typically gets very happy and smiles a lot, and then he goes all the way to extreme anger. Broad emotional range actually creates likability in candidates. Clinton does not have broad emotional range and that works against her.

Other gestures

MB: Trump’s got some classic gestures that we’ve become used to. He does that OK gesture with his thumb and index finger, and swaps it for the L shape. It’s a precision gesture, he’s detailed. Then his hands squeeze together like a mechanical monkey that plays the cymbals. We also saw the ‘You’re fired’ pointing gesture. Whether we like him or not, at least we’re getting the brand.

PW: He typically has broad high gestures and lots of weapon-like gestures — pointing, jabbing, stabbing, slicing. You only saw the first edges of those so in that way he didn’t look as powerful as he typically does.

DM: Clinton shrugged when asked if she would support the outcome and the will of the people. To me, I don’t know whether that was intentional or not. Probably not. A shoulder shrug raises doubts about the credibility of what she’s saying. It’s typically interpreted as doubt or uncertainty.

Oddities

MB: What was different with Trump this time was the sniff, the big in-draw of air up the nostrils. We hadn’t noticed this before with him. It’s suggesting he’s under more pressure, in that fight or flight area, he’s out of his usual comfort zone. When he talked about his tax returns, he adjusted his microphone. That would be an indicator he’s showing more anxiety. He needs to start adjusting or augment his environment to feel safer or in control.

The split screen

MB: In the split screen, the camera was having to come in closer on Clinton in order to fill the frame; she’s obviously got smaller shoulders than Trump. So her face is always bigger on the screen. It causes her to look more powerful. She was a lot stiller too. Her gestures were more in the frame, so we could see more of her hands, whereas Trump’s gestures were outside of the frame. Good choice of Clinton wearing that block red. That’s aggressive.

DC: That red suit was not an accident, it speaks power. It’s a very structured jacket. There’s nothing distracting about what she wore. Also, Trump makes a lot of noises with his facial expressions when she speaks. He’s so expressive. Even though he doesn’t say anything, it’s noisy. It’s almost like he’s interrupting when she speaks.

PW: Something more subtle that I found interesting is though he said that Clinton did not have stamina, she showed even emotion and continuous solid ground throughout the debate. He started out yelling and gesturing, but about 45 minutes in you saw him gesturing less and grimacing more and placing his weight on his arms on the podium. If you look subtly at the musculature of his face, it pulled down toward the end of the debates, showing fatigue.

The takeaway

DC: Clinton seemed to be more in control of her emotions. When we talk about presence, being in control of emotions is critical. I think it made us more confident in her. She did look presidential, there’s no question about it.

MB: On the whole, the president we’re looking for is the one who can handle pressure. I go for Clinton on that, for sure. Who looked the most presidential? She did. Calm and assertive.

DM: Trump showed he was an emoting human. She showed she was a standoffish, arrogant person. If you watched that debate without words, that’s the impression people would come off with. Many people will see it as an advantage; the president should be above immediate, transient reactions on the spur of the moment. Whereas some people will think he was more genuine and showed more empathy to what the common people are like.

PW: Clinton couldn’t do the full range of things men do: she couldn’t grimace, couldn’t growl. That smile was bizarre in some cases, but I would’ve coached her to do the same thing. It’s a forced choice. She was masterful in how calm and composed she was.

 Link to article in the National Post

Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.