Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Body Language in Engagement Interview

I was asked by The Independent to share my insights on the body language of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle during their engagement interview.  Below are my insights and at the end is a link to the actual article.

Harry and Meghan are openly warm, and affectionate and close with one another.  It is very sweet how they hold hands through the interview. He shows his deep affection and desire to be close to her by reaching out his hand in the handhold and lifting her hand up to support her and resting it on her leg. We see he is willing to give love to her, he doesn’t need to show more dominance by pulling her hand onto his leg.  She is confident in his love and doesn’t need to reach over submissively to his.  The actual hand hold is loose and open, allowing each of them some freedom and showing how relaxed they are being connected to one another.

Note the turn taking and length of turn times in the couple. Meghan quickly answers most of the questions from the interviewer, before Harry, and takes significantly longer turns. This reflects her comfort in media interviews and shows she is lead taker in this kind of situation. But, the way she does it shows she loves him. Notice the low volume, softness timbre and warmth of her voice. Those paralanguage qualities show she is both smitten and softened in his presence from her louder, stronger baseline in media interviews about her before this relationship. Very sweet. She also shows her love and connection by turning to him to check in on her answers from the first question, where she checks in on what they were cooking the night of the proposal, “What were we cooking? … roasted chicken.” And they both laugh.

As they talk about the proposal, I just love the lift and softness and femininity of her voice with rounded softly vocalized T’s, C’s and D’s rather than clipped consonants and a lifting up of the voice at the end of her sentences as if she is asking a question. (Even on responses where she is not checking in with him, that is what submissive females do.)  Significantly, throughout the interview, she keeps turning her full head towards him to gaze at him. She makes a point to state he got down on one knee, and shares that more to the journalist than to him, in a way that indicated the prince got down on one knee to her. She has power that she knows Harry recognizes. She didn’t deliver that information in a purely gushy romantic way. But she IS smitten. She loves to look at him! Harry is wonderfully animated with his free hand gesturing and smiling as they talk about the ring.

As he finished the proposal story, notice how his head tilts toward her to show his desire to connect and be seen as a couple answering the question not just have it be his story. The very next question she jumps in and answers, but again turns to check in with him. I just love how they each have power and how they each check in with each other in a very nice dance. If they keep doing this, two such confident people, they will make a very good couple. I can see them finishing each other’s sentences in an interview 40 year from now if they keep this up.

Note how she got very strong as Harry describes how they first met and as he talks about their mutual friend.  She turns to him and speaks loudly and strongly over his turn, ‘’We... need to protect her privacy.” And how he softly demure and repeats, “protect her privacy.” She is comfortable being strong with him and setting boundaries about what they will share publicly, and he nonverbally acquiesced without looking his significant as he continues smoothly with the story and gestures strongly with a movement across both their bodies.

As she talks about the blind date, she also gestures with her free hand as well. Nice balance for both. I loved how he is talking about wanting a big background on her, see her head dip down in humble embarrassment then as he says she walked and there she was, at time code 3:50 see how they both turn their heads and go into a long mutual gaze they recall the moment they met together. They relive it right in front of us. Lovely.  Next, he huffs, in a take a breath and, “I am really going to have to up my game.” And she keeps looking on and smiling and laughing. 

Link to Article:

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/prince-harry-meghan-markle-first-interview-body-language-analyse-wedding-engaged-a8080556.html

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Body Language and Other Nonverbal Tactics Used by Narcissists to Control People.

I just got a media request to discuss the traits and tactics used by narcissists to control people. The journalist was inspired by the following article to seek more information on tactics used to manipulate their targets.  I speak on body language and how to deal with difficult and toxic people. A

http://www.urbo.com/content/tactics-used-by-narcissists-to-silence-you

As a body language expert who speaks and writes on narcissism and other dark triad behaviors. I sent the media contact am a body language expert and I can speak the nonverbal behaviors a Narcissist, may use in one or more of the stages of their abusive relationship with the target. The stages are according to the research, Idolize, Devalue Discard.

They use their target as a source of narcissistic supply. That supply may be gained from the love and adoration of their target and or the pain and anguish of their target or the narcissistic rush from duping their target.  It’s important to clarify the need for supply as during the idealization phase many of their nonverbal behaviors seem like those of the ideal/dream lover.

1.      Hypnotic gaze/starring. They look at their target with focused intense gaze. They are reading their target’s every emotion to know how to act. Hypnotic gaze typically is done to test boundaries. They may do or say something uncomfortable right before or after the hypnotic gaze to test how the target responds. It may feel to the target like love or seduction. The target needs to check in to their feelings and body. If the gaze makes them feel off, or it seems too interest, too exciting or dangerous, they need to break away from it and or get up and move or leave the room and monitor their gazing partners response.

2.       Simple Gazing, We typically think of Narcissist needing attention, but in the Idolizing stage they gaze with adoration, and desire “at” their target. They gaze and gaze till the target gazes back at them. They create a feedback loop to get the constant gaze and attention they desire. It’s tricky for any target to see this as something manipulative, as you naturally want to gaze as someone you desire, like or love.  A “tell” that it could be manipulative is that it starts immediately, often on the first date. Another “tell” is that can go on for hours, till the target feels like they have gone on a long trip,  but actually through stages of exhilaration, to exhaustion. The target has to check in with their emotions and body to see if the gazing feels good or not. Once the narcissist has you in their gaze game they know they have you. Eye contact that intense can be highly addictive. That’s where the narcissists has the power over the target. Now they can break off the eye contact to punish their targets/victims.

3.       Invading space – Narcissists as a rule stand closer than other people. They use space invasion to gain attention, intimidate, show power, test boundaries, and to seduce.

4.       They are masters at matching and mirroring any targets body language in the Idolization phase. Matching and mirroring are normal behaviors for people that like and trust each other. But this will be, like their other nonverbal behaviors, over the top. An example will be they reach for the glass the same moment the target reaches for theirs. The narcissists may even smile and or comment on how high highly matched they are. Again the narcissists creates a connection then stops doing that “wonderful” behavior in the devaluing stag. Once the matching and mirroring stops, it may feel to the target that their partner has changed personalities. It truth they have just stopped mimicking their target. What the target see is the true person unmasked.

5.       They break boundaries, so they may even on the first meeting they will touch a targets face or leg to test how they respond. On a first date they may touch their targets in an intimate way. They may mask the intimacy in sweetness or politeness, for example holding hands or putting their arm around the target after they have only been together a few hours, but acting as if they are already connected and inseparable and bound together.

6.       They may lift the target up in hug, throw them over their shoulder or carry the target. The “lifting you off your feet” may feel thrilling to the target but it can make also lift the target off their feet so they are not strongly grounded and “on their own two feet.” It is also something parents do with children. It may indicate a power play. In the seduction/idealization phase the narcissist works to make themselves more powerful and the target less powerful.

7.       Talking over the target and or not letting the target talk. Dominating the conversation. This “over talking” involves auditory space invasion and other para-language factors that show they are in power. They are often quite charming and good story tellers so it may be hypnotic to listen to them. The target needs to watch for a lack of inclusion. Note if they are in a conversation at all. They may just be listening to a monologue and that is not normal. A loving partner shares time even with an introverted partner. Other “tells” are the narcissist’s voice may get louder and stronger, even when there are only two people in the room. The target needs to note if there are abrupt changes in the emotions of the voices say from seductive, to angry if the target does not give their partner their full rapt attention.

8.       In the “Gas lighting” game they will tell the target they did or didn’t do something or something did or didn’t happen and then look at the target as if they are crazy. “You bought a new dress to go out Friday night?” “I didn’t say we would go out this Friday.” “I already have plans.” “You are messed up.” Then look at the target with pity.

This is brutal manipulation as previously they gazed with love and admiration at them for hours and hours.

9.       Sometimes what makes it hard to feel strong or fight back is shear amount of time that they spend talking. It can wear their “target/partner/victim down. It seems never ending. Narcissists are spinners of tales and once they get on a role about anything it can be impossible to stop them. Targets who may experience this can be punished further for trying to stop them.

In the devalue and or discard stage manipulative behaviors begin to increase.  Again, the three stages are idolize, devalue and discard.

10.   They also you the nonverbal method of the silent treatment. That could be in response their target asking them a question they don’t want to answer of making a request or to punish any behaviors they see as unacceptable. They can also enhance the silent treatment by disappearing for hours, days or weeks unexpectedly. That is particularly brutal tool to use after the trauma bond has been formed with their target.  

11.   In the devalue discard phases the narcissists may show their “Dead Eyes,” cold and malevolent and scary.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How Did Woody Allen Get Away with Abusing His Daughter? By Using Character Assassination.

The article below clearly illustrates how Woody Allen assassinated his victim's mother character to cover up his abuse. Abusers often call their victims and their victims defenders crazy! 

I analyzed the 60 minutes video they referred to in this piece for CNN when it appeared years ago. It was clear he was lying then. The point now is to not be complicit. Don't let his art and success blind you to his pathology. We are seeing in our culture a seismic shift. Seeing evil is hard, the cognitive dissonance in your brain says, "But I have always liked him and he is a funny man and how can he be a creepy man?" It makes you feel uncomfortable. Many of have to admit we looked the other way, and went to see his movies anyway, but now it is clear we need to stop. You can't give his behavior a "pass". Morally we must see evil and stop it. If you are thinking, "Oh he abused his daughter years ago, whats the big deal?"  read the article to see how his daughter suffered for all those years because we refused to call him out. 

http://uproxx.com/movies/woody-allen-sexual-assault-allegations-2017-wonder-wheel/

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Are We So Numb From The Constant Exposure To Violence In Our Society And The Media That We Don’t Act When Others Are Being Victimized And Attacked?

Are we so numb from the constant exposure to violence in our society and the media that we don’t act when others are being victimized and attacked? Emerson said it best, “There can be no high civility without a deep morality.”

Trump had been using the words "us “and "them" for a long time. It’s his part of his plan of destruction. It’s your worse middle school click, beating up the nerd...it’s the Hitler followers laughing as they committed atrocities on the "them."You can understand the danger in a heard by reading this short article.

Mr. Haywood pleaded and yelled at them to “Stop! Leave me alone! I did nothing to you.” Mr. Haywood’s pleading to the group fell on deaf ears and they continued to go after him and repeatedly beat him. One teen retorted, “Nobody cares about you!” These teens were clearly swept up in a herd

mentality. Nietzsche and Kierkegaard described herd mentality as people acting at the same time in the same way with no thought of consequences or a sense of responsibility for their actions. The people in the herd feel an obligation to each other because of their individual sense of inadequacy and insecurity to stand on their own. The herd gives their lives meaning. There is no room for individual thought or a sense of humanity towards a victim that the group chooses to attack. This group didn’t feel empathy, compassion or guilt about their behavior towards Mr. Haywood because in a herd mentality the group gets invigorated by seeing others suffer who are “different” from them and their own.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-kastan/are-you-part-of-the-herd-_b_807553.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003

 "Last Sunday at 7 PM, Allen Haywood was standing in front of a column reading a book at the L’Enfant Plaza Metro station in Washington, DC waiting for his train like he has done every week for 25 years when a group of ten to 12 teens came up behind him and began beating on him. Some of the teens hit with their fists in rapid succession while others of the group looked on and recorded it on their cell phones. The incident lasted less than five minutes, according to Mr. Haywood. Mr. Haywood was bruised and cut. There are a few significant and disturbing observations to be made.

One such observation is that these teens were out on a Sunday night, at a Metro station at 7 p.m., and clearly their parents or guardians had no idea what they were doing or where they were. Teenagers who are out on a Sunday night and have premeditated ill intentions and no external or internal limits spell trouble. A detective from the Metro Transit Police said, “We have the most trouble with this age group at our Metro stations and you never really know who you’re dealing with.”

Mr. Haywood pleaded and yelled at them to “Stop! Leave me alone! I did nothing to you.” Mr. Haywood’s pleading to the group fell on deaf ears and they continued to go after him and repeatedly beat him. One teen retorted, “Nobody cares about you!” These teens were clearly swept up in a herd

mentality. Nietzsche and Kierkegaard described herd mentality as people acting at the same time in the same way with no thought of consequences or a sense of responsibility for their actions. The people in the herd feel an obligation to each other because of their individual sense of inadequacy and insecurity to stand on their own. The herd gives their lives meaning. There is no room for individual thought or a sense of humanity towards a victim that the group chooses to attack. This group didn’t feel empathy, compassion or guilt about their behavior towards Mr. Haywood because in a herd mentality the group gets invigorated by seeing others suffer who are “different” from them and their own personal norm or experience. No matter how Mr. Haywood pleaded he was still thought of by the group as “bad and the enemy.” Nothing was stolen; they just wanted to steal Mr. Haywood’s dignity and to feel “something” by inflicting pain on him. Are these teenagers sociopaths in the making? Sadly, for all of us, they did have remorseless pleasure seeking through the pain and suffering of the victim. But this isn’t the only disturbing part of Mr. Haywood’s story.

Mr. Haywood said, “The platform was full of people coming and going and some even recording the attack. But not one person helped. Not one person yelled anything to the attackers, called 911, walked to the Metro kiosk less than 100 feet away to get the Metro staff and police to stop this and no one went to the Call Box to call for help that was close by.” Mr. Haywood was all alone, but in Public. Bystanders just walked away or watched him get pummeled. To add salt to Mr. Haywood’s wounds, many people came up to Mr. Haywood after the attack and told him they’d be glad to sell him their recordings but when the Metro Transit police tried to find witnesses to identify the attackers, no one came forward. Schadenfreude is the delight derived by the misfortunes of others. Is this what our society has become? Are we so numb from the constant exposure to violence in our society and the media that we don’t act when others are being victimized and attacked? Emerson said it best, “There can be no high civility without a deep morality.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Laughter Stress and Lying

Laughter Stress and Lying

Laughter, which is normally an uncontrollable limbic brain response, can be used consciously by a liar to cover up their lie. For a liar it can be a sound effect they know is normally associated with happy, guilt free, honest people so it makes a great cover sound.

However, not all laughing is a sign of dishonesty. In fact, we laugh when we are anxious. I was in the break room of a consulting company I worked with talking to several female support staff members. Two male consultants joined our circle and proceeded to tell a few off color jokes. I glared at them, but the five female support staff members laughed! It was obvious to me that it was a nervous laugh to cover up the fact that they were uncomfortable. The men left. I talked with the women and said I wanted to inform the guys about what they had done. They gave me permission and I went immediately to the men and told them what I saw and how inappropriate their humor was. They were gob smacked. They said, “But the women laughed!"  I defined "Cover Laughter" and explained how the women's laughter was meant to ease tensions. So know that, as a woman or a man, a nervous laugh can actually be a defense mechanism to deal with how uncomfortable you are. Yes, you can be absolutely mortified about something being shared and you can laugh like it pleases you to cover up your mortification. And know that if you are in a position of power and someone else in power is making people "Cover Laugh." your antenna should go up so you can see if those laughing are feeling shamed, disrespected or abused. 

I could have said something in front of the women, but I didn’t want to point out their nervous laughter and make them MORE uncomfortable. I wanted their permission. But, when I look back on that incident I worry that I should have said something in the moment. I know now men and women can be more empowered to do so and have more than ever the knowledge of what is bad behavior.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.