Distraction and
Triangulation
Toxic Tactics of Malignant Narcissists and How to Deal with Them
By Patti Wood behavioral expert and author
of SNAP Making the Most of Your First Impressions Body Language and Charisma.”
Distraction
Malignant Narcissists are master manipulators and seasoned liars. They don’t
want you to find out the truth and stay on topic and hold them accountable for
their actions so when you do, they will try to distract you from the path that
leads to the truth. There are problems in every relationship and even a healthy
person can occasionally use toxic tactics, but if breaking promises and
boundaries, or doing other things that hurt you are a pattern take note and act.
If your partner has a pattern of keeping you from having back and forth honest conversations,
then take note and act.
1. Distraction – (Topic Change) - You ask them what they did last night, and
they don’t give you an answer to your question but distract with a topic change
like a story about how hard their week was.
Repeat and Fact Check - repeat a summary of what they said so
they know you heard them and they don’t repeat I again then ask again with an
“and” not a but, “That workload sounds hard, I can see where that would have
been exhausting and what did you do last night? Or “That pasta sounds delicious
and what else did you do last night?” (The and is recommended so you can keep
your momentum get to the rest of your message and not have to deal with more
excuses or fogging”)
Distraction – (Irrelevant minutia) - They promised to arrive at
a certain time, but they are an hour late. They have an extremely long story
about the traffic, but this is not the first time they have been late and not
the first time they used a distraction. In fact, it seems to have started to be
a pattern. This is boundary testing and can signal a long slow road to a lack
of respect in the relationship.
State the truth, Show understanding and then State what you want
– “It seems that you had a lot of horrible traffic nightmares to deal with to
get here.” “I worry when you say you’re going to be here at a certain time, and
I believe your word and you don’t show up that something is wrong.”
“Let’s talk about time and arrivals and traffic as this is a pattern that feels
unhealthy to me and I don’t want this to keep happening for either of us.”
“I am uncomfortable with you being so late, so often and It feels like I am not
important or a priority and I don’t like it.” “It’s happened five times in the
last few weeks and I would like this to change.”
Or “You use to be on time, but in the last four weeks you have
been at least a half hour late.” “I feel scared and frustrated.” “Let’s talk
about how we can deal with this.”
Distraction – (Gifts)
They distract by bringing flowers
“The flowers show me you care about me and you were concerned you had hurt me.
Let’s talk about why you are late when you know it’s going to hurt me and what we
can do going forward, so we respect each other’s time and word?
Or
“I love the flowers, but they seem like a distraction from a behavior that is
hurting me.” When you say what time you are going to be here I want to believe
you and know it’s the truth. Knowing you’re a person of integrity and a man of
your word creates trust between us. Can we talk about how you have been late
and what effect you believe that has on our trust and comfort with each other?
Isolate and Distract with Triangulation
Toxic people often distract you from their bad behavior by focusing your
attention on the supposed threat of another person with triangulation. This
also works to isolate you from people you may previously have liked and trusted
that could give you support and even warn you about the relationship or give
you insights into your toxic partner. If you are isolated, you have no way of
finding out about your partner and you may stay with a toxic partner because
you have lost everyone else.
For example, they will report back falsehoods that other people
say about you.
Toxic Gossip - “I couldn’t believe it last night when you went in the lady’s
room your friends Pam and Sarah were trashing you and your story about your mom
saying you complain all the time.” Know that the gossip they share can be total
fiction designed to get you to not trust other people.
Repeat and Check-in, Question to Find the Truth, Make Your Request Dispel the
Gossip- So you heard Pam and Sarah say I complain all the time?” “and what did
you say to them?”
Or “So you were talking with Sarah and Pam and they said I complained all the
time” “So I am going to check in with them about that, as it hurts my feelings
that they would do that, and in the future it would make me feel safe and loved
if that happened again if you said, “Please don’t say things about my girl
behind her back.” Check in with your girlfriend’s face to face and share, “I
heard something second hand that you said about me last night, I heard you
said… is that true?’ “That hurts, so going forward if you have a problem with
me complaining can you tell me to my face?” “Honey you are complaining a lot
about your mom.”
Toxic Gossip - “Your friend Diane has been hitting on me all
night she wants to go to that show next week while you’re out of town.”
Repeat and Check-in, Question to Find the Truth, Make Your
Request Dispel the Gossip “Diane hit on you tonight?” “What did she do and say
to hit on you? “(Your partner may stumble and not be able to give you specific
nonverbal behaviors and words, in which case you should be skeptical that your
girlfriend broke any boundaries.) You should also ask, “And how did you
respond?” and wait for an answer. If they stumble and can’t answer you or have
an answer that they didn’t do anything to stop it.
If they did or didn’t you may wish to say, “That makes me really uncomfortable,
and I would like to talk about how you and I can handle this going forward.” I
would like you to show others I am yours and that she broke a boundary of trust
by touching your face and leaning in on you with her arm around you and kissing
you several times and saying you're hot.” “It may seem flattering, but it has broken
the boundary of trust” What would you be comfortable saying and doing to get
someone who you feel is hitting on you to stop it? Or “I would like you to put
your palm up and say stop I am in love or I am in a loving committed
relationship. With a calm deportment it is important that you meet face to face
with Diane to check in and see her perspective of what happened. Don’t do this
over the phone, you need to see and feel if you can trust your friend going
forward and if your partner lied to you about it, you need a girlfriend for
support how you will deal with this.
Diane, Kip said you….can you tell me what happened.. Going forward I would like
you not to touch my boyfriend’s face and kiss on him or to ask him out with you
without me.
Asking a question and getting a silent response or another
nonverbal response in a way that makes things seem uncertain. No one likes
tension and sometimes we may make do with a silent response to end the tension
but manipulative people know this and don't want to be bound by words. You must
breathe through the tension and definitive response.
Get Vocal answers to questions.
Note that if it’s recommended that when you ask a question you get a vocal
answer. Toxic people may be silent and or giving a slight head nod in response
to a question and then come back later and say they never responded, using the
“Well I never said it out loud so it doesn’t count” toxic tactic or the “I
never said that.” which is manipulative gaslighting technique. You need to get
verbal confirmation. You need to make sure you get confirmation of any promises
to make changes. And if they make a promise to change it is always worth you
repeating back the promise. For example, "So you promise that you will be
no more than 20 minutes late for the next three weeks?" "Is that
something you feel is reasonable and doable?" and it’s a nice idea to
thank your partner for making a commitment to do better in a way that also
solidifies the promise. For example, thanking them with the words, “Thank you
for making a promise to me."
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at
www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at
www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
