You are working with someone and sending
messages back and forth. Suddenly there is a drastic drop in messages or worse,
no messages. You have now been sucked into the “black hole.” You're staring
at your computer screen or device guessing at the reasons for the change; you
reread the last few messages searching for clues, like Sherlock Homes but
without the hat, pipe, and your trusted sidekick Watson. Does the silence
mean anger, indifference, stubborn withdrawal, passive-aggressive punishment?
Inside the agony of this ambiguity, the black hole, we project our own
expectations, emotions, and anxieties. People can “ghost” assignments-
simply ignoring deadlines. Potential business partners can “ghost” each other
to avoid having a difficult conversation, or even sending the brief, dreaded
and altogether unpleasant and mysterious, “We have decided to go another way.”
Here is how to unravel the mystery!
Changes in the pacing of an e-mail, and
texting, are nonverbal communications that typically reflect one or more of
these issues.
1.) What they think about you. 2.) How they feel about the topic/task/product you were discussing with them. 3.) What’s going on in your division or company. 4.) What’s going on in their lives.
1.) What they think about you. 2.) How they feel about the topic/task/product you were discussing with them. 3.) What’s going on in your division or company. 4.) What’s going on in their lives.
Here is the biggest secret revealed that will
be helpful for the rest of your life. It’s usually about them. The research
supports the fact that most nonverbal communication reflects what is going on
with the sender! So always, ALWAYS go
there first when you are trying to figure out what the heck is going on. If
there is an absence of communication, your first thought should be, “I’m
wondering what’s going on with them?” With this in mind, let’s go through
several ways to deal with professional ghosting.
Methods to Deal with Professional Ghosting
Three requests and no responses in most
professional circumstances is “ghosting” If it is a normal professional
situation and you are not a salesperson where seven contacts into the black
hole abyss may be the norm, here are steps you can take:
1)
First notch up your request if it has nothing
to do with you, your work project, team, company or job. If they have not
responded in three normal “asks” via text or email, assume it’s them and
something is wrong in their life or circumstances or workload. Try recognizing
that they may be dealing with something and can’t or don’t want to share. If
they are a professional colleague and you are on a deadline and need them you
could say:
Dear Alan,
I haven’t heard back, and we both know this
project is on a deadline and I am concerned about you, please let me know you
are ok.”
Or a really ramped up version for the cold
and flu season:
Dear Alan,
I am so concerned as I have not heard back from you and I am worried something is wrong. If so, know I am sorry and hope all will be well soon. Whatever is preventing you from communicating I need to know if you can finish the project by this Friday or we need to call in someone else on the project. If I don’t hear from you by tomorrow morning at 10:00 I will see if we can bring in someone else.
I am so concerned as I have not heard back from you and I am worried something is wrong. If so, know I am sorry and hope all will be well soon. Whatever is preventing you from communicating I need to know if you can finish the project by this Friday or we need to call in someone else on the project. If I don’t hear from you by tomorrow morning at 10:00 I will see if we can bring in someone else.
2)
Oddly, we don’t often choose the obvious
action when we aren’t clear what’s going on and go talk to the person or pick
up the phone! If the medium you are using is not working and there is a face-to-face
or phone option escalates your commitment to get a response and go talk to them
or pick up the phone. If you are stressed or angry, prepare what you are going
to say and breathe and calm down.
Possible Call - “Hi
Alan, I know you may be on overload and I haven’t heard back via email, so I
wanted to talk to you. How are you? Be willing to hear how Alan is
doing and be prepared to hear reasons why you didn’t hear back, listen
patiently, if needed be empathetic. Then move on to the task. “Do you have an
answer on whether you can get that project done by Friday?” “Great, I will go
back and send you an email so we have that commitment down and I will expect it
on Friday.” If Alan tries to delay again, decide how you will respond. Will you request to hear by end of day? Will
you drop by or call again and seek an answer end of the day? What wiggle room is
right for the circumstances?
3)
The Go Around - Sometimes
you must be resourceful to get the job done. That may mean you need to go
around the Black Hole to a different part of the business universe to another
person. But be very careful. You must be aware of corporate culture rules and
norms. I believe it’s important to send an honest message out to inform the
person that you are taking a different tack.
“Hi. I know you may be busy. I
have contacted you three times via email and left two messages and have not
heard back. I am concerned and we need an immediate response and if you can’t
complete the project by Friday, we won’t be able to fulfill the client’s
request and we will lose the contract. So, I am going to give Sam a quick call
to see if he knows what your schedule is or if he has an answer. “
4)
Give up the ghost - If you
don’t hear back, on any medium, the last option is to let go of that project
with that person. It’s helpful at this
point to examine what you did and what you might want to do differently going
forward. That may be a change in how your contracts are worded. What statements
you may say in phone calls to prevent ghosting in the future.
Sometimes having clear due dates
and stating clearly what will happen if due dates aren’t met or what you will
do if you don’t hear back and the process goes forward is helpful.
I have a client who works for a
recruiting company that hires physicians. The process for sorting through
resumes and interviewing is intense yet, even after they fly physicians to
interviews from other states and countries doctors will be offered a job via
email and phone message and "Ghost" the recruiting company. So now they discuss
ghosting upfront, and they have a separate contract where the doctor is not
reimbursed for travel if they ghost on the job offer. They can’t share the
information about that candidate with those outside their firm, but they have
added a “Ghoster” G code to the profile to their internal communication.
I can speak to and or train your
group on Communication Tools for a Healthy, Nontoxic Workplace or give one-on-one
coaching to help you be the best communicator. Call or email me today at 678-358-6160.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
