What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist?
When communicating with any Malignant
Narcissists, the first thing to consider is that they get a Narcissistic Supply from
your emotions. They can get supply from deceiving you into thinking they like, love,
and admire you and supply from causing your pain. So to DISARM them give them
no supply.
Your voice/paralanguage (Voice tone,
volume, speaking rate tempo, breathing, etc.) is one of the primary pathways
for conveying emotion. And your emotions can be a "supply" to feed a narcissist. You may feel angry, frustrated, or
hurt, but don't give them the fuel of your emotions. Instead, "Go, Grey," and provide no emotion in
your voice when you speak to them. Speak in a monotone, bland voice. Think of
the most boring lecture you have ever heard and recreate that voice. You can give
it a bit of energy and volume, so they don't ask you to repeat what you have said
but speak slowly and plainly. Narcissists get off on the" game" of
playing with people. Say what you need to say in a way that closes down denials
and excuses.
For example, Malignant Narcissists
may give excessive compliments, but they may seem odd, inaccurate, and sincere.
They may do this to "trick" people into feeling odd. It can test a target
to see if they will "take" the odd compliment, respond with an odd
emotion, or display strength (not be a good victim target) and call them on it.
State one true thing about what they
said or did and or about what you are doing or will do in response to their toxic
behavior.
I like compliments. I am glad you
give them. However, you just complimented me on my beautiful blue eyes. You
have said that before, and I told you my eyes are green. When you don't see the
actual color of my eyes, you are complimenting me, and you don't listen to me, and
remember I have told you they are green. I don't feel seen or heard, making me
doubt your sincerity. I like compliments. Just make sure they are sincere.
Lateness can be another manipulation
test. They can use so many excuses for being late to test the target.
You said you would be here at 7:00,
and you got here at 9:00. That breaks my trust in your word. So don't do that
again.
The last three times you had a project,
you did not follow through and complete them on time or appropriately. You gave
excuses, but you didn't follow through. That makes me doubt your word and your ability
to be responsible. I won't be able to work with you again if you don't complete
on time and to standard.
Narcissists will push boundaries and
are ready to say you were wrong in assessing their behavior. So be clear and specific
in calling out their behavior and set a clear boundary.
You tell me on each date we go on
that I am beautiful, that I am your one and only. The last three times we went
out, you flirted openly with the waitress in a way that was sexual and harassing.
Being nice to the waitress is, of course, fine, but. Talking about her appearance,
her "sexy hair," saying she looks "Hot in that top" when she
is well endowed and making her uncomfortable, and you do it when you see I am uncomfortable. I feel manipulated. Could you not do it? Being nice to the waitress is, of
course, fine. But don't be unkind and disrespectful. You are an adult. You know
what I am talking about. There is no excuse for that behavior. Please don't do
it.
Tonight, while we were out, you shared
with me how you found several other women attractive, and as you kept doing more
and more, I noticed you turned and smiled mischievously and gleefully at me. Then you tilted
your head when you saw it began to irate me. Yet you kept doing it. You
enjoyed doing something that upset me. That is not funny. It's not "all in
fun and play." It's manipulative. Please don't do it. Looking at other women
is fine, but do not do it throughout the evening and keep escalating to get me
upset. This kind of manipulation is not how you show love and caring. I don't
like it. Don't do that again.
