Care Giver Guilt, What do so many caregivers experience guilt? By Keynote Speaker Patti Wood

By Patti Wood 

1. When we see our loved ones suffer, in pain, frustrated, and sometimes angry at themselves, their doctors, and the world. And we feel guilty that we are well. That we are not in pain, that we can walk and move and be out in the world, and in the case of a terminally ill loved one that we will live. When I was taking care of my best friend when he was dying I felt guilty sharing the fun silly thing I was doing out in the world. We were both 29 at the time and I knew he would never dance again, never eat Wendy’s chicken sandwich again, and not live to turn 30.
2. When I was taking care of my boyfriend who was shot in a hunting accident I felt such guilt that I was not hurt and in pain, I only had fun when visiting with him and felt depressed and isolated myself from fun. I was only 21 and didn’t know how to process my caregiver guilt.
3. We also feel guilty that we may not be good enough caretakers and that we are not doing everything we can do. That we might make a mistake. When I was taking care of my best friend I read everything about his illness and the medications and talked with the doctors and nurses and was hyper-vigilant with every medication and every dosage through his drip and felt guilty if I was in his hospital room when the doctor came because I was at work.  When later I was engaged to a man who had cystic fibrosis I again became hyper-vigilant, and again felt guilty that I was not critically ill and at risk of death, but I grew to realize that that was a toxic bond to have with a loved one.
4. Sometimes we learn from our caretaker experience. Many years later I had a boyfriend and I broke up with him. The next day he showed up at my house, wearing his piolet uniform as he was about to go pick up a private plane for a client. He wanted to get back together, I said no but we went to breakfast and when he dropped me back at my house he had a stroke, long story, but he and his doctors said I saved his life. Once I got him brain trauma ICU and his family was there and his other girlfriends were there. (Oh yeah a lot of discoveries.) I realized I didn’t need to take care of him, and I felt no guilt about abdicating that responsibility. That came from my other experiences.

5)      Sometimes we feel guilty because we are not perfect, we are not saints. I have a friend who still feels guilty that while taking care of her ex after he had a debilitating stroke, she was sometimes mean and yelled at him. Even though she gave up most of her wonderful healthy single life and moved in with them for 24-hour care, fed him changed his diapers, and lived again with his toxic manipulation and had to take care of his financial mistakes as well, and all the results of his irresponsible self-care, lack of financial responsibility, lack of healthy relationships with his family and friends that left him with no one else to take care of him.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Are The Benefits of Journaling?

I have experienced many benefits of journaling. It can truly improve your mental and physical health. I have been journalling, gratitude journaling, morning page journalling, and more since I was a preteen. I use it to process issues like relationships, pain, grief, trauma and loss, dream analysis, decision-making, goal setting, learning, and creative flow and inspiration for my speeches, books, and songs It is something I recommend to my coaching clients. 

I ask them to journal what they notice related to what we are working on in our coaching and to track interpersonal issues so they have specific experiences to use in coaching. I have them journal about what they notice in the TV shows, and movies they watch related to coaching. FYI one of the areas I coach on is body language so they typically have, among other assignments a weekly assignment to watch one aspect of body language, like handshakes, or “leave-taking” behavior. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How To Recognize Threatening Behavior and What to Do. By Body Language Expert Patti Wood

I consult on murder and sexual assault cases and also teach risk assessment. What are the signs that someone is about to start a fight and what can you do and say? 

I was analyzing the security footage from a bar, analyzing everyone’s verbal and nonverbal behavior before during, and after and deadly fight to see if I could help a suspect in a murder trial. I saw the signals that preceded the fight wishing I could have done a workshop with the staff. I watched the video of a group of young friends trying to talk a very drunk Paul Murdaugh from driving the boat they were all about to get in. They were young people dealing with a violent drunk friend and even though they had a nickname, Timothy for his personality when he was a raging drunk, he had money power, and charm and they didn't know how to deal with the violence and danger he created. I wished I could have been at their college and talked to their student body to warn them and give them options that would have saved Mallory’s life and them all from so much pain.

I consult with Fortune 500 clients as well as public-facing small business owners such as amusement park owners and restaurant owners on threat assessment and what to do. If you are in a dangerous situation, pay attention to your body. Your central nervous system may go into FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL/FAINT or Friend RESPONSE very quickly. So, take a deep breath. Check-in with your body to see what’s happening so you can self-comfort and calm down before you act, and know sometimes the best action is to get away from the dangerous person and protect yourself.

What if in a scary situation and the scary person is drunk? The basic rule is it's almost impossible to reason with a drunk person. I recommend you get away from them. Move slowly but get away. If they are a friend and or a family member and you are trying to deal with them and you can’t get away, know they may escalate to fighting. State what you want and need clearly and calmly and don’t back down. For example, say, “It’s not safe for you to drive and I am not getting in the car with you. Hand me the keys” They may charm, resist, or fight you verbally. Don’t back down, but don’t be aggressive. Calmly state your boundary. If they don’t comply. State the consequences, If you don’t hand me, the keys, I am….”   Many times you cannot reason with someone drunk. Dangerously angry people and drunk people are often the exceptions to the rule that healthy non-threatening communication can de-escalate a conflict and produce positive results. I teach threat and risk assessment as well as conflict management and I suggest to my clients that sometimes walking away is the best option. In the bar footage I viewed for th murder trial,  the man initially walked away, but he didn’t leave the bar, and when he came back the situation had not de-escalated. I wish Morgan Doughty, along with Connor Cook, Miley Altman, Anthony Cook, and Mallory Beach had walked away before that horrible accident.

What if they are not drunk but are argumentative or combative? First, assess your risk and the likelihood the person is willing and able to listen and create a positive outcome. Watch their body language and listen to their voice. Are they in the stress response? Are you afraid?  If they seem like will and can listen, you can make a calm reasonable non-threatening request. I highly recommend you show the palms of your hands, in an upward direction at your waist level. Keep your voice level and calm, make eye contact but don't glare or stare. If you are making a soft request you can briefly tilt your head. If you want to make a strong request keep your head level. 

Here are aggressive/about-to-strike behaviors to look for that indicate immediate threat and risk. Danger Signals that Someone Is About to Attack. 

1. Jaw thrust also known as the chin jut or jaw clenching. The person grits their teeth and juts their jaw forward indicating they want you to back down or they will take you down. 

2. Nostril Flaring or Wing Dilation- the outer lobes flare out so you get more oxygen and you have the energy to fight. 

3. Pressed Tight Lips or Even Hidden Lips

4. Chest Puff - Attempt to get Bigger to look threatening and Imposing. 

5. Pupil Dilation - So they can see what's going on. 

6. Lowered Brow often with a forward head tilt - to show dominance, a bid to power. Saying back down and doing what I want or else. 

7. Teeth licking- Licking the teeth preparing the teeth to bite. 

8. Blading -Moving your body so only the side shows.- an action to put the shoulder and arm in a position to fight and protect most of your vital organs. 

9. Tightened Muscles - This is a way of creating a muscular shield to protect your vital organs and increase blood flow to the limbs to prepare them for fighting. 

9. Tightened Muscles - This is a way of creating a muscular shield to protect your vital organs and increase blood flow to the limbs to prepare them for fighting. 

10. Clenched Fist -It may include tightening the hand into a fist and or tightening and flexing the hands. 

11. Foot Stomping. Often seen in children. You may have seen movies where horses, toss back and raise their heads, thrust out their chins then stomp. 

12.  Eye Narrowing. Eye muscles tighten- The ocular orbital muscles around the eye tighten.

13. One leg up/ arm out and over the leg or arm on your chair. Claiming ownership. Alpha signaling. 

14. Rattling/Shaking/Growling. You see it as a stress response in dogs and humans it's also a stress response and can indicate they are stressed and ready to fight or in fight mode, it can be accompanied by other fight behaviors like touching or shoving. 

First, establish commonality, “I know you want to have a comfortable and enjoyable flight and I do too.” State their specific behavior from their perspective and show empathy, “I can see that you are very unhappy.” Then state the issue, “Your raised voice and upset demeanor are making me uncomfortable.” “So that we can both have better flight could you bring down your voice and calmly deal with your issues?” Thank them if they do so.

 

 Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What is the Bristle Reaction to Your Partner, Why You May Not Want to Have Sex With Your Partner. By Body Language Expert Patti Wood

I am a Body Language and Human Behavior Expert Author, Keynote speaker, and Relationship Coach.

Sometimes we bristle at our Partner's Touch. Freeze in place, pull away, or get angry. Our central nervous system responds to the touch that indicated our partner wants to have sex and we don't so we go into a freeze-flight fight response. There are many reasons this can occur. You can just plain not want to have sex at that moment, whether you are too tired or have too much to do, you just want to Netflix and not "chill." Perhaps at that moment, you are not attracted to your partner, You can just plain you may currently be mad at your partner or have briefly or more profoundly not be attracted.  It could feel the uncaring, or low effort to seduction to easy touch from your partner and even trigger PSTD if you have been assaulted because it suddenly feels to you if it's uncaring. 

What is happening in your body that may cause bristling? 

We are wired to associate certain nonverbal cues of flirting, connection, and seduction preclude intercourse. Desire starts with sensory input and or cognitive processes. - Excitement ensues, increasing activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. - Orgasm involves a peak activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system.

If you are in a relationship with a partner, you could have repeated those cues over and over again one leading to the next leading to intercourse. Sometimes shorting the rituals can still lead to sexual arousal in a Pavlov dog, salivating to a bell-type response, but sometimes they don’t. Your partner could begin to have his or her own Pavlov response such as, “Hey every time I touched the back of your hand before it lead to sex so if I do it tonight I will get sex, forgetting that there were rituals that occurred before and after that that actually led to a natural mutual arousal state. 

So, there you are on the couch, your partner touches you on the top of your hand and you bristle. And you think,” I am not a dog!” If you are no longer attracted to your partner, if don’t want to have sex, if you need more than this cue to feel aroused, but you know this is all you going to get and it’s not enough, and or if you are not getting connection and seduction cues unless your partner wants sex so you feel like a sex doll, this can be an issue. 

As a body language expert, I can speak to the connection and seduction issue. Often the main reason you are bristling is that you or you and your partner may over time have stopped doing the full connection, seduction rituals that naturally lead to connection and arousal. You both may have shortened the acts before sex down to one cue, which could be a time saver, and is obviously an effort and energy saver for busy couples but our souls and our bodies may not be happy with that.  So, what are those rituals?

You may have stopped doing connection rituals can include long intimate conversations, time one on one over a long dinner, being fully present to each other, making eye contact when your partner is talking, or sitting or doing an activity together while talking or not talking without any media or people distractions.

You may have stopped doing seduction rituals, especially seduction rituals in order, lingering rather than rushing through them. ring.  For example, you may have stopped “touching seduction” that goes from light brief non-intimate touch to long non-intimate touch (say the lower arm), to brief semi-immediate touch to long semi-intimate touch (say from touching to resting your hand on the top of the leg) to brief intimate touch to long intimate touch (say brief lip kiss to long French kiss or touching the chest to rubbing the chest.

If you want to be with your partner and have connection and sex would recommend that you are your partner both on your own and together think about what you used to do that worked to connect and arouse you and read about different ways couples can connect and seduce each other. I would recommend you consult books on tantric sex that include rituals like tantric breathing in which both partners can orgasm without intercourse. Then and make a long list of what you would like that would make you feel loved and aroused. This is not an I saw it in a porn video list, this is a love and seduction list.  Then create an agreement of what would work.

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to Handle an Unruly Airline Passenger Sitting Next To You By Body Language and Conflict Expert Patti Wood

 

I have flown an average of once a week for over 30 years. People are angrier than they use to be. What can you do? 

One of the first things to consider is how crowding on a plane increases and escalates bad behavior and being in an intimate zone of space from your seat makes ( less than 14 inches apart) a space we typically reserve for intimate conversation and battle. (Yes, strange but true) So if there is conflict Isopraxism makes it more likely to catch you up in a negative emotional state and, sharing the intimate zone of space with someone who now may be foe makes you very uncomfortable and your central nervous system may go into FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL/FAINT or Friend RESPONSE very quickly. So, take a deep breath. Check-in with your body to see what’s happening so you can self-comfort calm before you act.

What if the person next to you is drunk? The basic rule is you can not reason with someone drunk. They, only with dangerously angry people are the exception to the rule that healthy non-threatening communication can deescalate a conflict and produce positive results. I teach threat and risk assessment as well as conflict management and I suggest to my clients, (I consult with Fortune 500 clients as well as public-facing small business owners such as amusement park owners and restaurant owners.) That passenger should request to change seats. Ideally getting up from their seats to speak to the flight attendant rather than in front of the drunk seatmate.)  

What if the person is argumentative or combative? First, assess your risk and the likelihood the person is willing and able to listen and create a positive outcome. Watch their body language and listen to their voice. Are they in the stress response? Are you afraid?  If you are at risk as a passenger, leave your seat and request assistance or a different seat.  If they seem like will and are able to listen, you can make a calm reasonable non-threatening request. I highly recommend you show the palms of your hands, in an upward direction at your waist level. Keep your voice level and calm, make eye contact but don't glare or stare. If you are making a soft request you can briefly tilt your head. If you want to make a strong request keep your head level. 

Here are aggressive/about-to-strike behaviors to look for that indicate immediate threat and risk. Danger Signals that Someone Is About to Attack. 

1. Jaw thrust also known as the chin jut or jaw clenching. The person grits their teeth and juts their jaw forward indicating they want you to back down or they will take you down. 

2. Nostril Flaring or Wing Dilation- the outer lobes flare out so you get more oxygen and you have the energy to fight. 

3. Pressed Tight Lips or Even Hidden Lips

4. Chest Puff - Attempt to get Bigger to look threatening and Imposing. 

5. Pupil Dilation - So they can see what's going on. 

6. Lowered Brow often with a forward head tilt - to show dominance, a bid to power. Saying back down and doing what I want or else. 

7. Teeth licking- Licking the teeth preparing the teeth to bite. 

8. Blading -Moving your body so only the side shows.- an action to put the shoulder and arm in a position to fight and protect most of your vital organs. 

9. Tightened Muscles - This is a way of creating a muscular shield to protect your vital organs and increase blood flow to the limbs to prepare them for fighting. 

10. Clenched Fist -It may include tightening the hand into a fist and or tightening and flexing the hands. 

11. Foot Stomping. Often seen in children. You may have seen movies where horses, toss back and raise their heads, thrust out their chins then stomp. 

12.  Eye Narrowing. Eye muscles tighten- The ocular orbital muscles around the eye tighten.

13. One leg up/ arm out and over leg or arm on your chair. Claiming ownership. Alpha signaling. 

14. Rattling/Shaking/Growling. You see it as a stress response in dogs and in humans it's also a stress response and can indicate they are stressed and ready to fight or in fight mode, it can be accompanied by other fight behaviors like touching or shoving. 

First, establish commonality, “I know you want to have a comfortable and enjoyable flight and I do too.” State their specific behavior from their perspective and show empathy, “I can see that you are very unhappy.” Then state the issue, “Your raised voice and upset demeanor are making me uncomfortable.” “So that we can both have better flight could you bring down your voice and calmly deal with your issues?” Thank them if they do so.

What if they invade your personal space? You can calmly say to yourself, it's just a short flight, stay calm and let them invade your space. You calmly reclaim your space, not showing any irritation or anger, just reclaim it or use the method above to ask them to give you your space back.

 What if they threaten you or anyone else on an aircraft?  Again, access your risk. If you can calmly establish commonality, show you understand their intense emotional state, (Ie I can see that you are unhappy, I can see that you're very upset.) and request a change in their behavior great. If not request assistance. If you feel in danger and can safely leave your seat, do so. If it's dangerous to leave your seat. Ring for assistance and calm your body down and think of options. If there are people near you that you can request calm assistance signal them that you may need them. See if you can request assistance from the flight crew over the internet. You may be able to reach out to the company through its website.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.