Subject: Steeple article in Patti’s November newsletter
This is Scott.
Patti, great article on steepling in your last newsletter. I have a question. I find myself in a steeple with my elbows on my desk, looking down and massaging my temples with my thumbs. I sometimes look straight up with hands still clasped, what does this mean.
Scott, remember steepling is a way of gaining control. Anchoring the elbows on the table also gives you a sense of control. Combining those cues with rubbing your head shows your trying to control your troubling thoughts and looking up to appeal to heaven to help you do that!
Why people don't respect the science of body language
From: Denise
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 6:10 AM
To: patti@pattiwood.net
Subject: [Body Language Lady] 12/15/2005 06:03:27 AM
Hi Patti, I am another body language expert, I have enjoyed your comments. I, like you, enjoy watching the body language between people and working out end results. Don’t know why people don’t read more into body language what's your thoughts.
Denise, This is a difficult question to answer but I will try. I think people don’t (read more) into body language because it’s not a science that is taught in schools, nor is it given credibility in other ways. It is a relatively young science, only having originated in the 50’s so it may just be a natural arch or recognition that will eventually lead to its credibility.
Another problem with attainting recognition of the science is that a lot of people don’t realize what their doing when they read body language or that they are even doing it. Nonverbal Communication is processed in the more primitive part of the brain, not attached to language and the recognition of cues happens rapidly so we don’t have that long drawn out logical process to retain what we did and how we did it. That’s why I love to break down photos and videos and read them for the media. It’s like playing where Waldo and showing people is where Waldo is and how you found him so the reader recognizes the mostly subconscious process they went through to read the photo or video and say, “I think he is lying.” “Or I think this couple is in love.”
A third reason people don’t read more into it is that some people do not have a natural ability to read it. It’s an emotional intelligence and about half the population is more skilled at more task or technical related intelligences so they don’t give credence to it. They’re not good at it, it must not be important.
I remember when I taught body language at Florida State. I had the largest class in the College of Communication with around 150 students a semester, but the professors in the department laughed when they talked to me about the class. They thought it was a joke. I knew I was so blessed to teach that class, because the students told me how valuable it was to them, how they used what they learned, and how it had so much more relevance to their lives than other courses they were taking. Even years later, when I run into an old student from those four years at Florida State, they tell me it was the most valuable class they took. But guess what? They aren’t teaching it at Florida State any more!
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 6:10 AM
To: patti@pattiwood.net
Subject: [Body Language Lady] 12/15/2005 06:03:27 AM
Hi Patti, I am another body language expert, I have enjoyed your comments. I, like you, enjoy watching the body language between people and working out end results. Don’t know why people don’t read more into body language what's your thoughts.
Denise, This is a difficult question to answer but I will try. I think people don’t (read more) into body language because it’s not a science that is taught in schools, nor is it given credibility in other ways. It is a relatively young science, only having originated in the 50’s so it may just be a natural arch or recognition that will eventually lead to its credibility.
Another problem with attainting recognition of the science is that a lot of people don’t realize what their doing when they read body language or that they are even doing it. Nonverbal Communication is processed in the more primitive part of the brain, not attached to language and the recognition of cues happens rapidly so we don’t have that long drawn out logical process to retain what we did and how we did it. That’s why I love to break down photos and videos and read them for the media. It’s like playing where Waldo and showing people is where Waldo is and how you found him so the reader recognizes the mostly subconscious process they went through to read the photo or video and say, “I think he is lying.” “Or I think this couple is in love.”
A third reason people don’t read more into it is that some people do not have a natural ability to read it. It’s an emotional intelligence and about half the population is more skilled at more task or technical related intelligences so they don’t give credence to it. They’re not good at it, it must not be important.
I remember when I taught body language at Florida State. I had the largest class in the College of Communication with around 150 students a semester, but the professors in the department laughed when they talked to me about the class. They thought it was a joke. I knew I was so blessed to teach that class, because the students told me how valuable it was to them, how they used what they learned, and how it had so much more relevance to their lives than other courses they were taking. Even years later, when I run into an old student from those four years at Florida State, they tell me it was the most valuable class they took. But guess what? They aren’t teaching it at Florida State any more!
Why some people would rather e-mail than talk face to face
Have you noticed that some people at work would perfer to e-mail or blackberry you a message rather than get up, walk around the cubicle, and talk with you face to face?
There are many reasons that it would be a preferred way to communicate, one of the reason’s is that the e-mailer is more comfortable with writing and reading words than using nonverbal communication.
After my last post people asked me if lack facial expression is a sign of Asperger’s syndrome.
Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder. People with the syndrome have normal or above average intelligence but have severe problems socializing. They have something called mind-blindness that makes it difficult or impossible to read nonverbal communication and therefore understand all the subtle nuances in communication. For example, there are 100’s of different things someone may mean when they say, “Hello.”, “I love you.”, or “I think that’s just great” depending on the voice, body language and context around it. If you have Asperger’s you wouldn’t know the difference between a sincere, statement and sarcasm, disgust or anger unless the speaker told you what they were feeling with their words. People with Asperger’s have trouble showing their emotions as well, so they seem stone faced. See my post from yesterday about facial feedback and for a more complete description of Asperger syndrome go to the following blog.
http://bogieworks.blogs.com/
treppenwitz/2005/12/just_one_of_man.html
While I have seen an incredible increase in the number of clients under 25 with poor social skills I would not label poor socializes with a severe disorder. I think the majority of my younger clients did not get the modeling and socializing necessarily to feel comfortable with interpersonal interaction. I discuss what many cause this problem or poor socializing in my book, "Success Signals” in detail but let me state one of pervasive causes here. When I poll ask my audience to raise their hands if they have had dinner with their family at least three times a week when they were growing up, many of the participants under 25 do not raise their hands. They say they ate in front of the TV or computer by themselves. You need the adult modeling or social behavior and little prompts such as, “What did you do a school today?” and coaching such as, “It’s your turn.” And “Look at me sweetie while I am talking.” In fact, research says you need this modeling and coaching at dinner three times a week for 17 years or so to learn complexities of social interaction. If you don’t get it, it would seem like everyone else knows French but you: as if you were from a foreign country. It would be very scary to go to someone’s cubical and talk them. You would send an email instead. Hummm? Scary, and considering how I am communicating now, a rather ironic thought isn’t it?
There are many reasons that it would be a preferred way to communicate, one of the reason’s is that the e-mailer is more comfortable with writing and reading words than using nonverbal communication.
After my last post people asked me if lack facial expression is a sign of Asperger’s syndrome.
Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder. People with the syndrome have normal or above average intelligence but have severe problems socializing. They have something called mind-blindness that makes it difficult or impossible to read nonverbal communication and therefore understand all the subtle nuances in communication. For example, there are 100’s of different things someone may mean when they say, “Hello.”, “I love you.”, or “I think that’s just great” depending on the voice, body language and context around it. If you have Asperger’s you wouldn’t know the difference between a sincere, statement and sarcasm, disgust or anger unless the speaker told you what they were feeling with their words. People with Asperger’s have trouble showing their emotions as well, so they seem stone faced. See my post from yesterday about facial feedback and for a more complete description of Asperger syndrome go to the following blog.
http://bogieworks.blogs.com/
treppenwitz/2005/12/just_one_of_man.html
While I have seen an incredible increase in the number of clients under 25 with poor social skills I would not label poor socializes with a severe disorder. I think the majority of my younger clients did not get the modeling and socializing necessarily to feel comfortable with interpersonal interaction. I discuss what many cause this problem or poor socializing in my book, "Success Signals” in detail but let me state one of pervasive causes here. When I poll ask my audience to raise their hands if they have had dinner with their family at least three times a week when they were growing up, many of the participants under 25 do not raise their hands. They say they ate in front of the TV or computer by themselves. You need the adult modeling or social behavior and little prompts such as, “What did you do a school today?” and coaching such as, “It’s your turn.” And “Look at me sweetie while I am talking.” In fact, research says you need this modeling and coaching at dinner three times a week for 17 years or so to learn complexities of social interaction. If you don’t get it, it would seem like everyone else knows French but you: as if you were from a foreign country. It would be very scary to go to someone’s cubical and talk them. You would send an email instead. Hummm? Scary, and considering how I am communicating now, a rather ironic thought isn’t it?
How to show your listening with your body language
Tuesday the 13th of December
I teach a three day public seminar on interpersonal skills for technical proffesionals and one of the skills we talk about is empathetic listening. One of the ways that you show you are listening is through your facial expressions. Now I know you techies might think its corny and a little to touch feely to display your emotions but touchy feely people like me really need your smiles and frowns to feel heard. Below is the first step in my GENTLER listening reccomendations.
G-ive facial feedback
It is so easy to zone out as a listener. When, but when you do, you give a blank, open- mouthed expressio. You know that look that resembles the face of a kid after five hours of cartoons. A blank face does not help you win friends and influence people and drool is not very appealing. You have to work your abs to have toned stomach muscles, and you have to work your face to have toned empathetic skills. And contrarey two what your moma said, your face will not free that way. Showing you empathy helps the speaker share more effectively and helps you listen more effectively. So make some funny faces and listen up.
Let your facial expressions show your emotional response to their message. If they are concerned, show understanding by furrowing your brow. If they are unhappy, frown and lower your eyes. If they are mad, close and flatten out your lip like a sealed envelope... Briefly matching their facial expressions not only shows your customers that you are listening, it creates the same chemicals in your brain that body language shifts are creating in theirs and you will actually feel what they are feeling and understand them more effectively.
I teach a three day public seminar on interpersonal skills for technical proffesionals and one of the skills we talk about is empathetic listening. One of the ways that you show you are listening is through your facial expressions. Now I know you techies might think its corny and a little to touch feely to display your emotions but touchy feely people like me really need your smiles and frowns to feel heard. Below is the first step in my GENTLER listening reccomendations.
G-ive facial feedback
It is so easy to zone out as a listener. When, but when you do, you give a blank, open- mouthed expressio. You know that look that resembles the face of a kid after five hours of cartoons. A blank face does not help you win friends and influence people and drool is not very appealing. You have to work your abs to have toned stomach muscles, and you have to work your face to have toned empathetic skills. And contrarey two what your moma said, your face will not free that way. Showing you empathy helps the speaker share more effectively and helps you listen more effectively. So make some funny faces and listen up.
Let your facial expressions show your emotional response to their message. If they are concerned, show understanding by furrowing your brow. If they are unhappy, frown and lower your eyes. If they are mad, close and flatten out your lip like a sealed envelope... Briefly matching their facial expressions not only shows your customers that you are listening, it creates the same chemicals in your brain that body language shifts are creating in theirs and you will actually feel what they are feeling and understand them more effectively.
The power of hot pink and Pride and Prejudice
Hi,
So you know from my profile that I'm an expert in nonverbal communication and now you may be wondering "What's Up" with the hot pink border? My friend Michael set up the blog and picked the bright color out for me. Do you think he chose it because I have 4 hot pink business suits and 12 hot pink shirts that I wear when I give speeches? Or do you think it is the hot pink winter coat I bought last year with a hot pink fake fur collar? Perhaps it's the hot pink suede high heels or the hot pink fedora I wear on grey winter days. I like the color so much this year some friends got me hot pink Christmas ornaments at IKEA for the chartreuse tinsel tree they got me last year! Ok, so now the world knows I am crazy for hot pink. Nonverbally it is a color that energizes you. It gets you excited and the deep shade of magenta on women is an attraction magnet for men.
My friends Elaine and Judith and I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie last night...so romantic. The eye contact between the leads should be required “reading” for all students of body language. The eyes are the very first thing we notice about a person of the oppposite sex. Ok, I know what you're thinking..."It couldn't possibly be the eyes". That's what I use to think too, even though the research was in the body language textbook I taught from at Florida State University. So for 4 years, every single semester I did a paper and pencil poll of my college students. Every semester all 100 to 150 students, both male and female, said the first thing they noticed was the eyes. It makes sense as the eyes tell you what action a person will be taking next. Looking at the eyes keeps us safe and makes us feel connected.
Take Care till next time,
Patti
So you know from my profile that I'm an expert in nonverbal communication and now you may be wondering "What's Up" with the hot pink border? My friend Michael set up the blog and picked the bright color out for me. Do you think he chose it because I have 4 hot pink business suits and 12 hot pink shirts that I wear when I give speeches? Or do you think it is the hot pink winter coat I bought last year with a hot pink fake fur collar? Perhaps it's the hot pink suede high heels or the hot pink fedora I wear on grey winter days. I like the color so much this year some friends got me hot pink Christmas ornaments at IKEA for the chartreuse tinsel tree they got me last year! Ok, so now the world knows I am crazy for hot pink. Nonverbally it is a color that energizes you. It gets you excited and the deep shade of magenta on women is an attraction magnet for men.
My friends Elaine and Judith and I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie last night...so romantic. The eye contact between the leads should be required “reading” for all students of body language. The eyes are the very first thing we notice about a person of the oppposite sex. Ok, I know what you're thinking..."It couldn't possibly be the eyes". That's what I use to think too, even though the research was in the body language textbook I taught from at Florida State University. So for 4 years, every single semester I did a paper and pencil poll of my college students. Every semester all 100 to 150 students, both male and female, said the first thing they noticed was the eyes. It makes sense as the eyes tell you what action a person will be taking next. Looking at the eyes keeps us safe and makes us feel connected.
Take Care till next time,
Patti
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