THE BODY LANGUAGE OF LISTENING
Remember to Be Gentler
by Patti Wood, MA, Professional Speaker www.pattiwood.net
You’re
sitting in the office with your client or customer as they talk about what they
want or perhaps sharing the problems they are having with a product or service.
You want them to know that you’re listening. You know it’s important to show
concern, but you’re a little tired, or they’re going on and on or maybe they’re
saying some negative things and you’re feeling a little defensive.
Or you might be wondering if the person you are with is into you. How can you tell? What body language cues show he/she is into you?
Below are some body language cues that will help you in your business and personal relationships:
Give
Facial Feedback
It
is so easy to zone out as a listener, but when you do you can give a blank,
open-mouthed look that resembles the face of a kid after five hours of
cartoons. You’re not winning friends and influencing people. Drool is not very
appealing. You must work your abs to have toned stomach muscles, and you must
work your face to have toned empathetic skills. Let your facial expressions
show your emotional response to the message. If they are concerned, show
understanding by furrowing your brow. If they are unhappy, frown and lower your
eyes. If they are mad, close and flatten out your lip like a sealed envelope.
Briefly matching their facial expressions not only shows your customers that
you are listening, it creates the same chemicals in your brain that body
language shifts are creating in theirs and you will feel what they are feeling
and understand them more effectively.
Eye
Contact
A listener
should give more eye contact than the speaker. Research suggests that if you
want to have good rapport you should maintain eye-contact 60 to 70 percent of
the time that someone is speaking to you. Females have been shown to be better
at this than men and actually, need more eye contact from listeners in order to
feel comfortable in the conversation. Even research on small children shows
that little boys told to converse on a topic sat side by side and talked to
each other staring off into space and little girls moved their chairs to face
each other and watched each other with full attention for their entire
conversation. This may be because dominance is communicated by either staring
or a lack of eye contact. You need to make good eye contact. Research shows
that a normal business gaze focuses on the eyes and the upper forehead and in a
social gaze, the listener’s gaze drops down to include the nose and the mouth.
Eye contact
is a good indicator of how interested someone is in you. For one thing, straight
on eye contact makes people attractive. So, it follows that if your date is
holding your gaze, they are both showing that they are interested in you as
well as presenting their most attractive self.
That eye contact tends to be straight at you to show high attraction and
to be highly attractive to you.
It's
All in the Feet
If
you really want to know how someone feels about you, Wood says to look down —
all the way down — because feet don't lie. Feet pointed towards you is a clear
sign that someone is into you. It’s a limbic brain response, where the feet
point the heart follows.
Their
Body Language is Open
There
are windows all over your body. At your eyes at your neck, your heart, the palm
of the hands your knees and the bottoms of your feet. They keep their windows
open to you to show they feel safe and want to connect to you.
Nod
Your Head
You
do not have to have a bobble toy head, just occasionally nod your head to show
you are listening and empathetic with the speaker’s message. A bonus of nodding
your head is that it releases endorphin-like chemicals into your bloodstream to
make you feel good and feel more affable about the speaker. Be aware that women
nod their heads whether they agree with the speaker’s message or not. Men may
think that you agree with them if you nod too much; so be careful not to give
mere feedback “I’m Listening” nods if you disagree with what a man is saying.
Turn
Off Technology
We
have become so accustomed to answering the phone while looking at our
computers, leaving our hands on the keyboards when someone comes into our
offices to talk and leaving our cell phones and PDA’s on and attached to our
waists at all times that we forget how rude all those things are. Signal your
intent to really listen by turning away from your computer, letting phone calls
go to voice mail, ignoring or turning off your cell phone or pager and saying
out loud, “Let me turn this off while we talk.” It’s amazing what a difference
it will make in the impression you will give to your customer--- because so few
listeners take the time to be that polite
Lean
Forward
Proximity,
that is, being physically close, signals your desire to be emotionally or physiologically
close. I don’t mean get in their face but, merely lean in toward the
speaker. Research shows that in a seated conversation, a backward lean
communicates that you are dominant. A forward lean shows interest.
In
addition to keeping their body language open, the experts say to pay attention
to the angle of their body. If your date tends to angle themselves toward you,
that's a good sign. If someone is into you, they'll lean forward, their feet
will point only to you and they may cross their legs towards you. This is
especially true if the learning occurs when you are the one doing the talking since it shows real engagement and interest.
They
Give You A True Smile
If
someone is really attracted to you, the experts say their smile is a dead
giveaway — that is, if it's a true smile. But what is a true smile? “A smile
with both eyebrows raised extra high for a moment or a longer look than he or
she gives anyone else. A true smile is one that also extends beyond the mouth
and into the eyes. The easiest sign to look for is the smile with the mouth
only, not with the eyes. True engagement is shown all with a smile in the eyes!”
Expose
Your
Heart
You
do not need to unbutton your shirt and show your superman “S” to show you’re
listening; just make sure that you turn towards the speaker. Orient the heart
and ideally the upper portion of your body toward the speaker. People self-disclose
more to listeners facing toward them. Even a quarter turn away signals a lack
of interest to the speaker and makes the speaker shut down. It also says
something about your response to the message. Research shows that when people
feel under attack and/or defensive or have low self-esteem they protect their
vulnerable heart area on their chest. Body language is a wonderfully symbolic
language. To communicate you are an open, confident speaker and listener, you
need to show your heart.
There
are gender differences. When men are sitting directly across a table or desk
from one another, the desk or table almost acts as a castle wall and the direct
heart-to-heart message changes to a challenge, creating a feeling of
competition between men and making them share less than they do when they are
seated side to side.
Remove
Barriers
That
means take away things that block the access or view of the speaker and you. The
barrier used most often is the arms. Though we have over sixty different
motivations for folding our arms, speakers see any arm fold as a barrier and a
cue that you are not listening. In fact, of all the different body language
postures, the arm fold is the most obvious indication of a lack of interest.
You retain 30 percent less information from the speaker when you listen with
your arms crossed. So, unfold your arms. In addition, move the phone, books or
stacks of papers on the desk that sit between the front of your body and the
speaker’s view. You can even show that you are blocking a speaker’s message by
holding your beverage glass in front of your upper chest.
There
is no greater gift to give to someone than your interest. Be GENTLER with your
listening.
To
learn more about using body language to increase your business success or contact Patti Wood at www.pattiwood.net.
