Spotting a Selfish Guy, How to Deal with a Selfish Boyfriend, Dangers of a Selfish Boy Friend

How to Spot A Selfish Guy

My new boyfriend seemed a perfect southern gentleman, but as I went to drive out of his condo parking garage for the first time, he did some things that waved red flags that he wasn't perfect. He said, "Let me get in the driver's seat and drive you out of the parking garage so I can use my pass, and you don't have to pay." "They have cameras so that they will see me, I can use my pass, and you won't get in trouble," Nice? No. He wanted to break a rule, and that's a red flat. I told him I preferred paying, but he insisted. He tried to break a rule, and that's a red flag. Then it got weirder. I told him no that I preferred to pay. But he took my car keys and got in my car to drive. Another red flag.

I set a boundary, saying I wanted to pay, and he broke it. I again said I preferred to drive out myself and showed my discomfort, blinking my eyes, grimacing, and pulling my body away from him. He did it anyway. Even worse, I could see him smile and get this pump of energy from cheating. A huge red flag that he would ignore my needs and get pleasure from breaking rules and my boundaries. A selfish person lacks consideration for others. They are concerned first and foremost with their own needs. To spot them early on is to see if they break boundaries, rules, and laws for their advantage

A friend was being sued, and she was scared. She had done nothing wrong, but she was a tiny goliath going up a big corporate giant. She was a successful and confident person and had never needed advice from her boyfriend, but in this instance, because he had several companies and had fought more than one lawsuit, she asked for his advice and shared that she was distraught and wasn't sleeping. He brushed off her needs, saying it wasn't a big deal. It happens all the time. His bright red flags were waving. And she said she saw them and thought it was a sign she was too needy. AGGGGH. If you are dating someone that doesn't acknowledge your pain nor gives comfort, be wary.  

 How to deal with a selfish boyfriend if you choose to stay with him. 

Have conversations about your needs and concerns. People can change and grow, but it takes work from both members of the couple.

 Pick one thing they have done and how it affected you, and ask them how they might act differently next time, or ask how you would like them to behave next time.

 For example, "You went by the store on the way over and got snacks for yourself and didn't think to get anything for me." "Next time you go to the store on the way over, what could you do differently to show you think of and care for me?"

Or "Typically, when someone visits for the weekend, they bring a hostess gift, food or wine or offer to help with fixing meals or take the host out to show they care." "This is the third time you have stayed with me over the weekend, and again I bought all our food, fixed it, set the table, and cleaned up, and you didn't even say thank you."The next time you come to stay with me for the weekend, what could you do to show you care for and value me?"

And though it seems very simple, ask them to do things for you and others at the moment and see if they can grow into a more caring and empathetic partner. For example, "It would make me so happy if you could clear the table." "Hey, can you run the vacuum real quick in the living room before our friends get here while I fix the food?" "Hey, it would make me feel so loved if you could get up and hug me when I come through the door at night, even if you are watching something good." "Can you do that for me?"

See if they can learn to think about and do for others. So, for example, if they go to the Gym every day after work before seeing you, you have to wait and eat very late. Have a conversation with them expressing your lack of comfort eating late every night and see if you can negotiate a change. For example, ask if on Fridays they can change their workout to start your dates earlier. It's a simple and reasonable request; if he isn't open to any negotiation, that is a red flag.

When you watch tv shows and films together, have him guess the character's feelings. You can make it a game, but it is also a way of teaching someone to read verbal and nonverbal cues and empathize with others. You can even ask him what he would do or say to help or comfort characters in distress.

There are so many adverse effects of dating a selfish partner: If they lack empathy, they may ignore you when you are sick. They may even act out and get mad if you are ill or in pain and can't serve their needs. For example, if they are sick with a cold, they expect to be cared for and comforted, but if you have a cold and are too ill to fix it, dinner and they may get irritated with you.

Another issue is a lack of predictability in their emotions and actions. You may find yourself trying to predict their behavior and prevent them from acting out, for example, fixing their favorite snacks they expect you to have ready when they watch a football game to prevent them from getting upset. Or having sex with them when you don't want to so they don't get upset.

You might go out to dinner and have a great time, but they may act out with you and others when they don't get their way. Think of an angry boyfriend who doesn't get the customer service he expects and acts out and yells.

Look for red flags and decide if you want to leave or stay, work on the relationship, and see if they are willing to think of you.

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

     

Relationship Tips for Empaths by Human Relationship Expert Patti Wood.

What are the biggest challenges female empaths face in
Relationships?

Being taken advantage of by selfish, immature people or people who are unhealthy on the "path" range.

People with narcissistic tendencies are drawn to empaths, and deeply feeling people and narcs know that, on some level, they personally are lacking in emotional depth and substance. By being in a relationship with a nurturing, loving, empathetic person, the person with narcissism is able to consume that person's authentic love and extract narcissistic supply. Once fed over the course of days, weeks, or months, the person with narcissism is satiated and may grow bored with their partner. They must secure the supply of another target and or need so much narcissistic supply they create drama/trauma to extract it.

How can female empaths protect themselves in relationships?

The number one red flag for you to notice or point out to friends is, do you feel uncomfortable? Next, notice what is going on in your body. Are you feeling; overwhelmed, stressed, hot, cold, nauseous, headachy, tired, or overstimulated with behavior in a conversation or overall when you are with them? That's a sign that your central nervous system is alerting to danger with a FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL FAINT or Friend (play passively nice cause you are scared) response. 

Of course, we all want our relationships to be happy, but if your friend's or partner's happiness comes at the expense of yours, it is not healthy. If you are in a relationship needs constant attention and emotional validation, be wary. Empaths may define themselves as good, kind, caring people who forget to care for their own needs or expect loved ones to take care of them occasionally. Beware of

someone who monopolizes the relationship and who never compromises, just demands. narcissists tend to want someone "who is low in 'harm avoidance' and high in 'cooperation.'" If you tend to give in easily to the wishes or demands of others at work or in your personal life to avoid conflict, you might fit the ideal profile of a potential partner for a narcissist.

Suppose you often put your needs and opinions aside for the sake of avoiding conflict in the relationship. In that case, you'll more easily fall prey to a narcissist who thrives when others provide the empathy and attention they crave. Yes, being willing to compromise in a relationship is important but being a doormat isn't compromising.

What are the best traits female empaths bring to Relationships?

Empaths have the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside your own perspective. You sense and feel what others are feeling. Their pain becomes yours their happiness becomes yours.

Empaths have an incredible ability to read nonverbal communication. Empaths pick up on cues, and you "Know" when someone is not themselves or feels down or depressed or off and have the desire to comfort them.

 Empaths want to help. It makes you feel good to be of help and service to others.

 Empaths show their emotions and are easy to "read" It's tough for them to lie as it makes you extremely uncomfortable to feel one thing and say another.

 Empaths tend to be great listeners, and because they internalize and feel what others are feeling, empaths can easily put themselves in someone else's shoes and give excellent advice.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How Does Your Posture Effect Your Mood? Body Language Expert Patti Wood

1. How can posture affect your mood?
How you hold your body can change how you feel in less than 1/40 of a second. If you hold and move your body the way you want to feel, your body's chemistry can change in a fraction of a second. Your posture and movement create a message that acts like a doctor's prescription. The message goes to your neural synapsis to the brain's pharmacy. The brain notes the posture and movements and creates chemicals that match and send them out into your bloodstream, so you begin to feel chemically how your body language is held or moves. For example, if you drag around head down feeling tired, you will get the chemicals that make your feel more tired. You think your body language reflects your fatigue and lack of energy, but you can change your energy by how you hold and move your body. I have been writing about the biochemistry aspects for over 30 years.

2. What about posture is related to mood? Typically, we think, "I feel some emotion and my body language reflects that emotion." But the inverse is also true. You can change your body language/posture and change how you feel. 

3. What can good posture do for your mood?

Keep your body language/ posture "Up." Up energetic body language is beautifully symbolic–you go up when you're feeling up. In addition, body language brings your posture up to allow more deep full lung capacity breathing, with gives you more oxygenated blood, thus, more energy. Though the steps may seem wacky, if you feel sluggish and just want to lay down and take a nap, these methods can charge you up very quickly.

4. What does bad posture (describe bad posture) do for your mood? Bad downward posture brings your energy down. Bending over your electronic device, bring your head, neck and shoulder downward. Bringing down your energy. Even with the cocaine-like hit from social media, new information charges, and social likes, you stress your body when you are bent over. In fact, the charges we get from staying connected to social media and the downward positioning of the body focused on the device create an odd mismatch in the brain. (I can explain that further if you are interested.)


5. What's the relationship between the way you carry yourself and
mood?
Youthful, energetic, self-confident posture is UP. So, the body is held up--the head, the shoulders, and the chest are all up


6. What are tips for improving this connection? Try any of these postures and movements anytime to recharge your batteries and feel UP with energy. Your gestures move up, your head comes up, your chest goes up and out, your shoulders come back and up, and your step upwards. Think and act "UP". Your body moves upward when you are happy, joyful, and excited. Think of how children skip and move up when they are happy and bring your head your, gesture your upper chest, and walk upward to convey energy and happiness when you enter a room. Notice how you greet or begin every interaction and how you end or say goodbye

 

 

 

I am a researcher and writer on nonverbal communication and hold a degree with an emphasis in nonverbal communication. I coined the term "UP" body language, which is now used in scientific references about this kind of body language.

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to Write a Condolence Message, Letter or Card. How to Offer Your Condolence. By Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood

 I am a body language and human behavior expert. I speak on body language and dealing with grief loss and trauma. My primary audience for those programs is social workers, counselors, therapists, law enforcement, and groups and camps that deal with grieving children. I have had Parkland students in my audience and parents who have lost their children in a school shooting. My work on this started when I lost my father during my last week of college. Few knew what to say or do, so they did nothing. It seems even more remarkable that my professors in the College of Communication did nothing. My college student friends in the weeks after my father died not only didn't send a card, they avoided me, even walking on the other side of the street when they saw me on campus. I understood. They were young like me and didn't know how to deal with my grief. They knew how to give a great speech, but no one had taught them how to deal with grief and loss and write to me. 

When sending condolence messages, what should people keep in mind?

Your task is to comfort the grieving. People who are grieving can feel alone and isolated and communicating with them can help them feel heard, seen, and supported.  Don't let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from communicating. Send a message as soon as you can, but if time has passed don't be afraid of sending a message later. If there is a service, you can even bring the card with you. Don't discount the loss, by saying it was better they went quickly, and don't say it will get easier, or say it was for the best. All those comments are dismissive and can be hurtful. When someone is laid bare in grief, they look for and value sincere messages rather than platitudes. 

1. Acknowledge the loss.

     Say the name of the deceased. That can be comforting. 

2.  Express sympathy, 

     You can say, "I am sorry."  "I am sorry for your loss" "I'm sorry it's a terrible loss." "I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Marion." "I know losing Frank is a terrible loss, and I am so sorry."

     3. Personalize your message.  

          Share a memory of the lost loved one.

"I remember how you and Roy loved to sing in the car together when we went on trips, and I will miss hearing his voice joining with yours." 

"I remember Tom teaching me to sauté spinach with garlic at the stove in your kitchen." "He loved being in the kitchen with family and friends, and I will miss him."

If you have never met the person they lost, you can share a story that they may have shared about them.

"Though I didn't get to meet your sister, I remember the many stories you shared about your trips together to the beach and her love of seashells."

"You shared with me the wonderful times you had with Steve while building your house and how he always had the right tool and good plan."

"I remember you showed me a photo of your daughter and her big smile as she leaned in close to you." 

  4.    Remind the bereaved of their strengths and caring.

         "You took such good care of Lyn through his long illness, with all those

        Nights in the ER." "You have shown such strength and courage." "I know

       This loss is huge, and I know you are a strong person."

 

 5. Offer help, but make it specific and concrete.

      Rather than say, "Call me anytime if you want to talk," say I would love to talk

      to you when you are ready." "I will text you this week and see if it's a good

      time to talk." Or "I will call later this week; you don't have to pick up the phone

      if you don't want to."

      You can share three things you want to do for them and ask them which of  

      those three would be the most beneficial now. For example, "I can call

      you every day this week at 4:00 to check in, or I can stop by Thursday for a

      short 10-minute visit." Or "I can drop off dinner one night next week for you."

      "Which of those would be the best for you?" "You can ask them if they have a

      Caring Bridge set up or a dinner delivery plan set up so you can join it.

      If you are close, open, and willing to be with them and listen to them, and if they can share their truth, you can say, "You can share your deep pain with me. It's safe to tell me how you are feeling."

     You can say, "I want to spend time with you, to sit with you, to be with you, to talk on the phone with you. So let's find a time that's good for you."

6. End with something hopeful and or personal.

   "I am thinking of you in this time of loss." "You are in my thoughts as you go through this loss." "I am here whenever you need me." "I will continue to pray for you and your family."

 Does the medium matter? Is it okay to send a text message to a friend rather than A card in the mail? When in doubt, use all mediums. This morning I sent a text to a friend who lost her sister two days ago. Yesterday I messaged her on Facebook since that is how she shared the loss, and we set up a call via text to talk next week on the phone. Choose the medium through which THEY like to communicate.

Continue to connect.

If you don't have a close relationship, it's okay to send a card and let that be it. If it's a close friend, don't write a condolence card and say to yourself, "Well, I've taken care of that." If you can and are able, check in a week later and say you are thinking about them. Check-in on the anniversary of the loss in a year. Don't be afraid to bring up the lost one's name or trigger the bereaved person's grief. If the person had a healthy relationship with the person they lost, they love hearing the lost one's name, sharing memories, or knowing you still think of their grief and continue to think of the lost loved one.

Sending a message also helps when someone you know is dealing with a loved one with a long-term debilitating illness. When I was in graduate school, my boyfriend at the time was shot in a hunting accident. He survived, but it was touch and go and a long recovery, including painfully learning to walk again. No one wrote to me. My friends and colleagues didn't talk to me about him at all. I know now that they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing.

• If you are unsure of the RIGHT thing to do, you can even say, "I don't know the best thing to say or do, but I care, and I am here for you; please forgive me if I say or do something wrong." Again, your caring makes a difference.

Again a reminder to keep reaching out

Grief can continue for months or even years. So check in as time passes.

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What is the Number ONE Thing To Do As a Speaker? What is the Most Important Thing to Do When Speaking to an Audience. Professional Speaker Patti Wood

Connect With the Audience

 

Your job is to connect with the audience so they will listen, remember and do something positive with the information you give them. You have to deliver your presentation in a way that will captivate your audience. You're not doing your job if you don't have a connection and merely stand or sit in front of your audience, reading your slides or notes. Your ultimate mission, if you accept it, is to connect with your audience. That means you must stay focused on the audience, be aware of their body language, adapt to their needs, and keep them with you.

This is the single most important thing to remember as a speaker. Sometimes you get so caught up in the momentum of the presentation you forget it, but if you're pouring information on the audience and they have their umbrellas up, it does not matter how much your pour or even how great the data is. They won't get it. You may think they are like this with everybody, or only a few people are bored. Each presenter sets the standard and the behavior of their audience. You are responsible for getting your audience to pay attention. So do it. Be radical if you have to. Run around the room, move your arms and hands, change your voice, sit down on a high stool, wave a white flag of surrender, and ask your audience what you can do to help them get this information. Don't attack them. Take responsibility. It's your speech. Get 'em Tiger!

One of the ways I connect with my audience is to be waiting by the door of the speaking room and greet and shake hands with each of them as they enter to the room. In this way, I have a rapport with them. Since I am an expert in nonverbal communication, I also am able to read their body language and see if they are having a bad day or seem uninterested in being there. I can try to shift them to a more accepting and open energy.

  It's About Them

But you say. I am the one that did all the work. I am the one that that stayed up late and spent hours putting together all the numbers. Why shouldn't I think it's about me? Because it's really about them. From the first moment you put pen to paper or fingers to keys, your whole focus is to create and deliver a speech for your audience. Connected to their needs, their interests are delivered with a style and energy to suit and captivate them. We sometimes give our speeches as if our audience was our first date with someone. We worry about how we will look, agonizing over clothing decisions and getting our hair just right. We worry about what we will say, create the perfect setting, and try to sound really smart. But we forget we are doing this all to make a connection with our date. The focus should be on that. So find out about your audience and what they like. Have a 'Conversation" with them that flows back and forth. Make significant eye- contact, and they may want to go out with you again.

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.