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Young Man Shot Through Door., Why Do Men Assume Someone Is Dangerous When They Are Not? ,Gender Differences in Reading Body Language, Ralph Star Shooting



Someone is knocking at the door.

Today I’m sitting at my desk, my puppy at her little dog bed desk working on a speech. As always, I look for the most recent scientific research to support my points and recommendations.

In my speeches, I often ask my audience who is more accurate at reading body language males or females. Because I know that that’s not fully inclusive the first thing, I looked for was any research on not just males' and females’ ability to read body language but, LGBTQ differences in ability. As I suspected, there wasn’t any research on that. You probably know that many research studies are just done on males because you must have so many more subjects in your subject pool to consider gender differences. In fact, In medical research often less than 6% of the research includes female subjects.

Overall, the research says that females are more accurate than males at reading body language. But here is something interesting. New research shows that women are more accurate at reading negative emotions such as anger and men are more accurate at reading happy body language cues. And one of the studies they were looking at displays of someone knocking on a door the men could more accurately read the happy knocking cues and the women could more accurately read the negative cues such as anger.  And were far more accurate at reading the neutral knocking.

And that made me think of the horrible Ralph Star Shooting Story in the news that broke my heart and continues to haunt me.
A young man went to pick up his siblings a few blocks from his house but accidentally went to the wrong house, and knocked on the door. The owner of the home opened the wood door but not the glass door, saw the young man look him in the eye, and said, “Don’t ever come back here.” and shot the teen in the head through the glass door then shot him again once he was down. Did the man do this based on racial profiling? How often are men’s violent responses to strangers also triggered because they are less able to accurately read facial cues of danger so they assume someone is dangerous when they are not? 

Also shattering me is the fact that when I went to look up the story again I googled young man shot through the door at pages of other stories about other young men being shot through doors came up. I am so upset. 


Here is the research study mentioned.

 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00016/full#:~:text=The%20findings%20show%20that%20gender%20affects%20accuracy%20rather,to%20excel%20in%20recognition%20of%20hostile%20angry%20knocking. 


Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Can You Say to End a Conversation Politely? 37 Ways to End a Phone Call, Zoom or In Person Conversation Politely.

 

                                       by Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood         

Be aware of your last impression. Exiting, impression:  Have you ever had someone abruptly turn away and leave a conversation with you? How did it feel? We have forgotten how to say goodbye. Technology can train you to end text and social media conversations abruptly without the normal bridges to a positive goodbye. It may seem inconsequential but last impressions are critical. Research in Persuasion Theory shows that people not only remember their FIRST Impression of you but also their last, or lingering impression of you. Ideally, you want to end on a high note before the awkward lull.

 Knowing how to end a conversation well can not only improve people’s impression of you, but it can also increase rapport with the people you are conversing with and maintain positive emotions. It’s not just a form of good etiquette it’s an essential relationship-maintaining behavior. If you do it will. After the conversation, people will think, “I enjoyed that conversation.”  Ideally, you want to end on a high note before the awkward lull and link those good feelings with you. And want to maintain the relationship with you. Know as you use any of these phrases you can reach out your hand to shake hands goodbye or hug if appropriate as you say goodbye.

              You can be polite and a bit abrupt, but not necessarily end on a high note by saying -

  1. “Please excuse me.”
  2. “Please forgive me I need to go.”
  3. “Please excuse me, It was great talking, I need to go.”

Or You can show you were listening and end on a high note by saying -

  1. “I am so glad we talked. I enjoyed your story about your dog, that was so funny, It’s been great talking.”
  2. “Oh, that was a great conversation about (fill in the blank) I need to go. See you later.”
  3.   Forgive me, it was great catching up, I need to get to class. See you later.
  4.  “I enjoyed talking to you about______ forgive me I need to go now.”(Again this is a great option because it also lets the other person or people know you were listening.  
  5.  “Have a wonderful time with (Insert plans they shared about a future event.) See you later.
  6.  It was great talking let's meet this week for lunch. I need to get to class see you later.”
  7.  “Another thing I wanted to mention before I go_______” “See you later.”
  8. “Oh, I see Frank over there and I need to ask him about a meeting I missed.” Forgive me I need to go.”
  9. “Oh, I just noticed the time, forgive me I have to run. Let's talk again soon.”

Right now, write down or put in your phone three conversation exit statements that you would feel comfortable using. Also, notice what other people say as they leave a conversation in a way that makes you feel good. Of course, if the conversation seems to be winding down you can say goodbye. I know it might seem easier to just walk away or leave, but it feels better for everyone if you smile and say something to create closure and show the other person or people you respect them.  Sometimes it pays to stick around and/or make yourself visible. Stay after a meeting occasionally. Remember to always be respectful, use a friendly tone, and thank the person for the conversation. It's also a good idea to leave the door open for future conversations or meetings.

      Here are more ways to say goodbye gracefully.

  1. "It's been great talking with you about [topic of conversation]. I should get going now. I hope we can continue this another time!"
  2. "I'm glad we got to discuss [topic of conversation]. Unfortunately, I have to go now. It was really nice speaking with you."
  3. "Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me on [topic of conversation]. I have to leave now; I hope we can talk more about this in the future."
  4. "I enjoyed our conversation about [topic of conversation], I have to head out now. It was lovely talking with you."
  5. "I appreciate the insights you shared with me about [topic of conversation]. I'm afraid I have to go, but let's catch up again soon!"
  6. "Our chat about [topic of conversation] was really interesting.  I am sorry, have to go now. It was nice meeting you."
  7. "I learned a lot from our conversation about [topic of conversation]. I have to leave now. I hope we can continue this another time."
  8. "Thank you for sharing your perspective with me about [topic of conversation]. It was a pleasure speaking with you. I have to head out now."
  9. “I really enjoyed our conversation about [topic of conversation]. I'm sorry to leave so soon. Let's catch up again soon and continue where we left off."
  • Asking for forgiveness is a way of exciting a conversation.
  1. "Forgive me. I have another appointment. It was a pleasure talking to you."
  2. "I'm afraid I have to leave now. It was nice talking to you. Take care!"
  3. "I need to get going, but it was really nice to chat with you. Have a good day!"
  4. "I should head out, but it was a pleasure speaking with you. Let's do it again sometime."
  5. "I have to run an errand, It was really enjoyable talking with you."
  6. "I'm sorry to cut this short, but I have to be somewhere. It was nice meeting you, and have a good day!"

It's also a good idea to leave the door open for future conversations or meetings.

Giving a reason to end the chat.

  1. "I hate to end our chat, but I have to head out. It was great talking with you!"
  2. "I have a meeting coming up, but it was lovely speaking with you. Let's catch up soon."
  3. "It's been a pleasure talking with you, but I have to go now. Take care!"
  4. "I should get going, but I really enjoyed our conversation. Have a great day!"
  5. "I'm afraid I have to leave, but it was wonderful meeting you. Thank you for the chat."
  6. "I don't want to keep you any longer, but it was great speaking with you. Goodbye!"
  7. "I have to make my way to another appointment, but it was nice talking to you. See you soon!"
  8. "I need to head out, but it was a pleasure chatting with you. Let's do it again sometime."
  9. "I'm sorry to cut this short, but I have a deadline to meet. Thanks for the conversation!"
  10. “I hate to end our chat, but I have to head out. It was great talking with you!"



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Tips for Creating a Great First Impression And Making New Friends Your First Week on Campus By Patti Wood MA, CSP


Author of SNAP: Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma


1.      Be open: You have the rare opportunity for a fresh start at your impression. Smile as you walk across campus, walk down your dorm or class hallway or enter any room. Take the initiative to make eye contact, say hello, and introduce yourself. Keep your body language open.

 

2.      Keep your body language “up”: Up body language means walking, standing, and sitting with your upper body relaxed upward. Instead of hunching over, keep your shoulders back, and your head up (not bent over your electronic device), and open your hands and move them upward when you gesture.

 

3.      Gesture: Moving your hands occasionally while you speak actually helps you think and speak more clearly. The location of your hands also affects other nonverbal behavior. When you are conversing with someone standing up, if you place your hands and arms at your sides your energy goes down, your voice lowers and can become more monotone, and you show fewer facial expressions. If you’re nervous, bring your hands to the level of your waist, and you will become calm and centered. If you gesture occasionally with your hands at the level of your upper chest or above, your voice automatically goes up, increases in volume, and has more variations; you actually become animated.

 

4.      Start new habits: If you always texted your friends in high school to see what they were doing, now you can initiate face-to-face interactions. Knock on a dorm room door or catch people at the student union and invite them to do something with you. You be the one who says, “Hey you want to go get a coffee after class, hang together to study tonight, or meet at the cafeteria to eat?” If you used to study in your room with the door closed try studying in the college library or outside. Don’t bring your old screen habits with you to college or spend hours watching Hulu or Netflix when you get to campus. People make lifelong friends in their first week of college. Put yourself out there to meet as many people as possible as soon as you step on campus.

 

5.      Know a rebuff is seldom about you: If not every single person says hi back or takes you up on your offers for plans remember college is stressful. Most freshmen feel a bit insecure at times and, if they seem distant, don't take it personally. Most body language rebuffs such as lack of eye contact and scowls are motivated by what is going on inside the person and not really about you.

 

 

6.      Be helpful and considerate: Having roommates and being in a new living situation can be stressful at first, even if you click as friends. Before settling into your new space, offer to help your roommates carry in their belongings or bring snacks to share. Ask them about their interests. Introduce yourself to their families. Invite them to dinner with your family if they’ve arrived by themselves. Laying the groundwork for a positive relationship with your roommates can go a long way to help things go smoothly.

 

7.      Help people form a positive impression of you in class: Your professor and your fellow students will respond to you and perhaps judge you by how you act in your classes. If you're late all the time or if you don't go to class, they notice. They also notice if you come prepared for class, slink to the back to sit, pay attention, ask thoughtful questions, doze off, or spend the class texting. In high school slack behavior might have been cool; in college, it will get you ostracized. Each class has a different set of “rules of engagement,” so be aware of the size, structure, and instructor’s preferences for behavior. It is easier to set a positive impression at the beginning of the semester than try to erase a bad one.

 

8.      Learn your classmates’ names and use the formal title to address your professor: For example, “Dr. MacEnulty” or “Professor Camel.” People respond to their names, so learn them! It’s a skill that will serve you well in most settings.

 

9.      Be aware of your last, or existing, impression:  Last impressions are critical. Research in Persuasion Theory shows that people not only remember their FIRST Impression of you but also their last, or lingering impression of you. Don’t just every abruptly turn away and leave a face to face conversation. You can say, Forgive me I need to get to class it was great catching up with you.”  “I enjoyed talking to you about______ forgive me I need to go now.”(This is a great option because it also lets the other person or people know you were listening.  There are other things to say as well. Right now write down or put in your phone three conversation exit statements that you would feel comfortable using. Also, notice what other people say as they leave a conversation in a way that makes you feel good. Of course, if the conversation seems to be winding down you can say goodbye. I know it might seem easier to just walk away or leave, but it feels better for everyone if you smile and say something to create closure and show the other person or people you respect them.  Sometimes it pays to stick around and/or make yourself visible. Stay after class occasionally to speak to the professor or other students who are lingering to talk about the lecture. Also, attend your instructor’s office hours to ask questions and initiate discussions around the class topic.

 

10.  Mix it up when choosing who to talk to: Whether you’re at college in your home country or an international student beginning school in a brand new one, make friends with people from other countries, cultures, and backgrounds. International students who came from another country to attend college will especially appreciate your friendliness and that you include them in activities. Ask others about their home countries and try out their favorite foods.

 

11.  Volunteer, go to activities, and be a joiner: If there is a movie night on campus, a student union game night, or dorm room function, go! The first week of my freshman year I joined the fencing club, went to a freshman dance though I had been the girl no one ever asked to dance, went to the dorm watermelon eating contest, and volunteered to referee the impromptu volleyball game on the campus green. I met great new friends with each activity. In fact, I met my best friend in college in a hallway popcorn party in the dorm and my first college Boyfriend playing volleyball the first week of class.

 

12.  Go early rather than late: Research shows that arriving early actually reduces your nervousness in new situations. It’s easier to get acclimated. You can stand or sit near the door when you arrive and greet people as they come in. More anxiety-reducing tips are in the book. 

 

13.  Ask to help: At parties, you can ask for an anxiety-distracting task like taking coats from new arrivals or offering them drinks or food. Nervousness comes out of your body in many ways. One way is through your hands. When your hands are confidently occupied with useful tasks, that confidence message goes to your brain and affects your entire body. It also gives you an easy, repeatable script, questions such as “Would you like me to take your coat?” or “What can I get you to drink?” These types of questions open up the conversation.

                                                                                                                                                          

14.  Look for an “open” person: Search for people who are already speaking in a small cluster or someone who is standing or sitting with their feet apart a few inches, rather than crossed, pressed together, or in a “cowboy” defensive stance (for guys that is fourteen inches apart). Research shows that someone who is gesturing with open palms and smiling and occasionally moving their head is more open to approach. If you are super shy, look for someone who looks happy and confident and does what they are doing.

 

15.  Trust your radar: Steer clear of people who are negative or give off bad vibes. Look for people who have the top two first impression factors from my book SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma. That usually means people who are warm, likable, and make you feel comfortable.

 

16.  Go first and initiate conversation: I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Patti, you are insane. I hate to talk to people and you want me to initiate? I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.” Put down the fork. Research shows that when you initiate and move forward toward them to greet them, you appear more confident, and other people immediately feel more at ease. In addition, when they feel at ease, the comfort transfers back to you. A quick tip for when you feel anxious: take one small step forward; motion tricks your limbic brain into feeling more confident and that replaces the “Freeze or Flight” response that may keep you from meeting people.

 

17.  Introduce yourself: You can break through any awkward silence that occurs when strangers meet by simply sharing your name as in, “Hello my name is Patti Wood.” Giving your name to someone is a form of self-disclosure that shows you’re willing to be open and be vulnerable. It gives the impression that you are nice. Purse snatchers don’t typically say, “Hey, my name is Max Brewer and I’ll be taking your wallet today.” Breaking through the silence by sharing your name may be a pretty basic suggestion, but it works. We are sometimes afraid to break the silence because we fear we will be met with silence or rejection. If you don’t get an immediate response after sharing your name with someone, ask, “And your name is..?”

 

18.  Introduce people to each other: This gives you something practical to do. Making introductions is appreciated by others, and it takes the pressure off you. As you stand and move to bring people together, you are creating a visual connection between yourself and other people in the room that makes you look powerful and popular. They see you move toward people and act as a connection, and they think, “Boy, she [or he] knows everyone.” 

 

19.  Ask a question, then simply relax and listen: So much anxiety comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it well. One of the smartest things you can do to meet people is to make a positive statement like “Great T-shirt” or ask a gentle question such as “Did you see the concert on the student green last night?” or, “What did you think about class today?” This completely takes the talking pressure off you. You don’t have to be super funny or super hip to be a good listener. It’s amazing how cool people will think you are because everybody loves someone who really listens to them. More conversation-starting questions are in my book.

 

20.  Nod your head: I love teaching men this simple body language cue. Men generally only nod their heads when they agree, while women nod to show they are listening. So guys, if you’re interested, nod as you listen. Women love it and nodding your head actually releases “feel good” chemicals into your bloodstream.

 

 







Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How Many Words Do We Utter in One Minute? How Fast Should You Speak When You Give a Speech? What is the Difference Between How Fast We Can Think and How Fast We Can Talk?

How Many Words Do We Utter in One Minute?

I am a research rabbit; I love going down the rabbit hole of a particular topic related to nonverbal communication. This weekend I’m customizing a speech on nonverbal communication and selling for an upcoming program. No matter how many times I have given a speech on a particular topic I always spend at least three hours reading the latest research and information on the topic and or industry. I love research so much that can spend entire days on one small topic. (Today I spent hours on an academic website and bought two textbooks. I have a serious research rabbit problem.)

I am updating my section on how we process nonverbal cues vs verbal cues.  Here is one section.

Are you a fast talker, a moderate speed talker, or a slow talker?

How many words do people utter in one minute? Of course, there are a lot of factors, and not all researchers agree but the range is between 120 and 180 words per minute.

Most experts say that people who are presenting should speak more slowly at 100 to 150 words per minute. But I believe, that unless you are talking about something highly technical or difficult you should speak quickly to keep the attention of your audience. In an average speech only 2 out of ten audience members are thinking about the topic, the rest, according to research are mainly thinking about what is called the top three, food, sex, and religion. In that order. 

Top professional speakers tend to speak more quickly. For example, an analysis of the top five most popular Ted Talks found the speaking rates fell between 154 words per minute for relationship Guru Bren’e Brown and 201 Words per minute for motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

Audiobook narrators, radio hosts, and podcasters speak slightly faster than they would during a regular chat: around 150 to 160 words per minute. 

It makes sense to speak quickly to keep your audience engaged. In college, I was a reader for the Blind Service Office, and I read textbooks into their special recording equipment that would speed up the recording for the listeners because we can understand at a faster rate than most people speak. The average speech rate is 140 words per minute. Research shows the average adult can readily comprehend spoken audio at two times that speed, roughly 275 words per minute.

I am a professional speaker and I speak very quickly when I give speeches because I know we can think faster than most people talk and I don’t want my audiences to have time to drift off and think about lunch. I want them to focus on the speech content. 



 



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

The Origin of the Hug, by Body Language Expert Patti Wood


The origin of the hug.

            You may think of the hug as only a touchy-feely greeting. It may surprise you to learn that the hug actually originated in Egypt as a way for men meeting strangers to check for swords hidden under their long robes. It continues in modern day as a “Let me pat you down” weapons check in many Arab greetings.

             It is only in the last century that the full frontal hug has morphed into the embrace showing warmth and affection. This full face-to-face hug shows others that we trust them and are willing to give them ready and full access to our vulnerable heart. 



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.